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#1089559 11/28/03 12:37 PM
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QOBH I wholeheartedly agree with Sarie's post.

Queen here's some questions I would like for you to ponder:

Do you have undeniable proof that the OM's W truly agreed to him having sex with other women?

Do you have undeniable proof that she is terminally ill?


Unless your answer is an unequivocal and resounding yes, then I would seriously consider that you may have been lied to. If that is the case, then you may be doing the SAME thing to the OM's W that your WH's OW is doing to you, destroying a marriage.

Are you sure that he is not having sex with other women as well and thereby jeopardizing your health and life?

As with the previous questions, unless you have positive proof that he is telling you the truth you may be playing Russian roulette with your life.

Are you sure that the sex you have with your OM won't lead you to fall in love with him?

Most affairs start as innocent friendships and without sex. Sex between a man and a woman is the MOST intimate of all physical acts and it seldom is 'just physical' because it's power eventually affect the lover's emotions. Every time you have sex with this man, your emotional investment in him grows and it may one day grow to deep love. I wouldn't doubt that this is exactly what has happened but you have not yet admitted to yourself.

If you have no hope left that your WH is going to end his affair and express a willingness to rebuild the marriage, why don't YOU file for divorce once and for all?

#1089560 11/29/03 07:48 AM
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Queenof

you have to stop all of this chaos in your life...and go back to the basics that you value and that define you...

Your actions that you own are toxic to

you
your children
your husband
the other man
his wife
your children..

what exactly do we have now..

two grown adults that are playing tit for tat and wrapping it up in emotional garbage...

that's what it is..no matter how you spin it...

go back to basics....
go back to the reality that no matter what words we speak and
no matter what emotions we have
our actions define who and what we are...

and your actions YOURS alone regardless of anyone elses are damaging...

If you value committment then act thusly
if you value truth then act thusly
if you value family then for God's sake act thusly...

your children are being sentenced to having the two grownups in their life that they need the most playing the most dangerous game of roulette with thier lives...
the childrens
and yours

when this blows up...
who will care where the children land in all of this...

in the courts it will become a battle of whose screwing who

you can not even claim anything valiant out of this relationship with the om (nor your husbands actions with the ow) when all the actions only lead to pain...and chaos and skewed values and changing the definitions of words to suit your poor choices

stop today and now...

you must look farther down the line to what you really want in this world for your children which should be a safe home environment and then each action must become one that provides it...

period... period .. period..

you are worthy of decency that you create
you are worthy of truth and honor in you life...


I will not powerstruggle with you over your twisting of the reality of the impact of YOUR actions....

on the big picture of your family...and all either of you is doing is stockpiling artillery (?SP) for the war that is coming...

surrender now....
and save your family...


I will pray for you queenof...
you are becoming more and more lost.
and the way to find yourself is to stop...

I don't give a rats behind what your husband does or not do...
I am speaking to you
of you
and your actions....

I believe in you

I believe you do know better
I believe you deserve all the light this world has to offer.

ARK

#1089561 12/09/03 06:34 AM
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An update.

Smashed my car yesterday, with kids in it. Classic scenario. Sitting in a queue and little one starts screaming at back, I make a quick glance to check he´s o.k and bang, drive into the car in front of me. I spent 3 hours with 3 kids organizing everything. Got home shattered and finally lying in my bath and kids sleeping just broke into tears.

Received an e-mail from the owner of the house I rented, that they have to come home 15th of January, so I need to get a new place to live by 1st February <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I was so much looking forward to living here up til July to get the breather I need.

I´ve turned into a firewoman, there´s fires everywhere but I haven´t got the energy to put them out because of all the confusion.

WH.

I still don´t know. When I saw him last on Saturday when I invited him to join Xmas skating with me and the kids,(yes, broke plan B to keep xmas tradition for kids) he told me he loves and misses me so much - And that he finally needs to talk to OW and tell her its over with him and her. When I smashed the car yesterday and tried to call to see if he could help by picking the kids up, his voice mail went over to the swedish answering service (OW home country). He text messaged me and told me he was talking to "you know whom"...whereas I sent him a message to say what happened and I was a bit in shock. 24 hours later and he still has not replied or called to show his concern.

So, his words are still that - words.

Unfortunately have not had the energy in the midst of all of this (plus more) to break contact with "friend" - timing is also wrong to do it. Out of everyone I know he is the only one that has showed concern and worry for me, and I really really need it. I spend so much time worrying about the kids, economy, work, all the practical stuff AND emotional things going on with the rest of my immediate family - sometimes I just need a break. He gives it to me, though in very small dosises, but just a small dosis is enough.

I would have so much more to tell, but wouldn´t know where to start and where to finish. it will have to be another day becauce I have been feeling very de-energized and down the past two weeks. Bit of a sorry update, I know. But theres nothing wonderful to tell.

Queen

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: Queen of a broken heart ]</small>

#1089562 12/09/03 10:36 PM
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Queen,

I'm so sorry to hear about your car! Was anyone hurt? It sounds like not, since everyone was home asleep afterwards, but what a shocking, scary experience! Please take care of yourself and your family. Do you have any family who could come and give you support during the holidays? You know, parents, siblings, cousins, whatever? I feel as though you need someone like that now. Even a friend who would come and stay at your place. (And no, NOT your married friend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I'm also very sad that your WH couldn't give you support during this difficult time. I know that must hurt you. Take care of yourself, please. Take good care of yourself. I don't want you to be hurt any more than you have.

#1089563 02/19/04 12:47 PM
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I am working on a long update of what has happened since before Xmas until now. I will get back with it asap, so others can see what happened. Maybe it can help others.

This is for real. It really is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We started therapy two weeks ago. We have had backslides even since then, mainly from my behalf, because I wanted to just throw in the towel and give up.

But today is the day where recovery begins and today is the day, where our therapist told me when I went to see her alone - > Next time Queen, we are setting up the rules, and both you and your husband are going to stick to them and be accountable for them. She IS the right therapist for us and we both feel she is.

I want to share the last e-mail I received from my WH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was maybe silly to ask you those questions - when all I need is you! So here are my answers to my own questions:

1) I want you in my life in all aspects

2) I want us to stop having other relationsships

3) I want to continue therapy - both alone and together

4) I would prefer you are not seeing any other male friends - at least not unless we at one point agree to that

5) I want to be married to you for the rest of my life - and to grow a better understanding between us.

Kisses your man
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After this mail to me, he wrote a ten page letter to our therapist and cried for help, because he was so afraid of losing me. He wrote to her how much he loved me and that he doesn´t want anyone else but ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My husband would NEVER write a ten page letter to anyone, and he would NEVER cry for help!!!!!


My husband stopped his affair just after Xmas. He has no contact with his Swedish affair whatsoever.

After Xmas, my husband and I had an open agreement that we were allowed to see/date others whilst working on our marriage. BIG MISTAKE! With all the past hurt and the weakness of our relationship and marriage, it went all wrong. The hurt still continued. He dated other women, whilst I continued seeing my lover. We triggered each others hurt, and mistrust.

Him continuing the "dating" scene, convinced me he didn´t want me and he would always be unfaithful and I would never be number 1 for him like always and me continuing seeing my lover convinced him that I didn´t believe in our relationship and did not love my husband anymore. I admit it. I didn´t believe in our marriage anymore. I was on the path of divorce and I didn´t care how we got there - even if was self destructive.

But today my therapist asked me the vital question. She said Queen, if your husband got himself a new girlfriend would you be happy for him? Could you be friends with him? Could you still agree on how to raise your kids together?

I said no. I would not want to be his friend. I would not want to be any part of his life, because seeing him move on with someone else would just be too painful. I would only have the most necessary communication with him concerning the kids. Nothing more.

She said, Queen, then stop doubting your love. Doubt leads to suffering and you are just suffering. Remove the doubt and begin to believe and trust that these immense feelings are there because you are still bound to your husband. Your suffering will end when you can see that the only goal is the goal of finding your mutual love again. Queen, you cannot be friends with your husband, because you still love him deeply. But its the hurt and the suffering that is drowning your love and you think that by divorcing him the pain will go away. It won´t. It will take you four to five years to get over your husband if you divorce him, and until then you will not be able to give yourself to another person, you will have a long hard road trying to heal yourself.

I believed her. For the first time in a very long time, I believed that it was true. I still loved my husband and I would have to do what it takes to get back on track.

Our therapist outlined the new rules that start from today being;

1) All communication with opposite sex, besides agreed persons; family, friends...STOPS

2) No more text messaging or mails if there are any feelings involved

3) Start cleaning up whatever "messes" we have left behind us to start our lives seperately and together afresh. For eg. when I was 16 I broke up with a girlfriend and never told her why. So I have to send a card to her and say I´m sorry I never meant to but it is still bugging me.

So thats just the start, and the rules we are going to make together with our therapist on Wednesday next week!

This has been my worst nightmare and it really scares me to go down the road of recovery because I have been lurking those that are already on it. It sure looks like a lot of bumps and unpredictable swings. Really really scary, but I hope we can reach our goal.

I´m Glad to be Back with these good news and I would like to hear what you would like best, Still here making it, Just Learning, Just J, Ark, Mortarman, Dazed blond, Shugah, and gosh, so many many more...

I want to give a special thanks to Keep moving 4ward because his advice and knowledge has proved to be VERY VERY true. Its harsh to accept and acknowledge to be true, because it goes against alot ot the MB principles and values, also ones own - but he was very right, JEALOUSY is the factor that has brought us to where we are now - it rocked my WH hard, and it has rocked him out of his withdrawal to the OW too.

So what do you think guys? Should I start a new thread on Recovery or start a new thread here. I would like to be where my "friends" are....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Queen of a broken heart ]</small>

#1089564 02/20/04 01:06 AM
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OH Queen!
It is so good to hear from you!
I am so happy for you and your H!
It didn't seem possible way back when, did it?

And now look! Yes, you have a lot of work ahead of you, and some of it will be difficult, but it will be oh so worth it!

I have always said that I would rather put the hard work into recovering my marriage, than the hard work to make a divorce work!

Sounds like you have a good professional to work with...

My WH is very close to coming home, I can feel it...I just hope he can do what it takes to make it work!
I'm not posting here as much...but I lurk alot.
My vote would be to Stick around General Questions II, for the most part anyways...there seems to be a lot of activity here...and stories of recovery are so helpful to others.

Keep us posted...and keep up the good work!

#1089565 02/19/04 04:44 PM
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Oh Queen!!! It's so good to "hear" from you!!

This is good news.

Yes, recovery is bumpy, but it's the jealousy (as you said), the doubt, the hurt, the unfinished business, our own sludge that gets in the way. M can be so joyful!!! I just don't write about the happy times, only the frustrating ones.

Looking forward to "hearing" from you. Yes, post on recovery or here, wherever you feel comfortable. You know your own situation better.

Sometimes lurking and posting gets me a little down because it reminds me of what I left, and how close to the brink my M is (isn't nearly every M just a phone call or car accident away from disaster?). I just have to trust and love, and enjoy the ride...

Good to hear the news!!!!! Sounds like you have a peach of a MC. Keep posting, others can learn from you too!!

#1089566 02/20/04 10:51 AM
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Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, I'm so VERY VERY glad for you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You sound as though you have a wonderful therapist who's got just the right "tough love" approach. I've wondered how you were doing over the last several weeks, and I'm so glad to know that you're doing better!

Please do keep updating us here -- I'm never going to find you over in Recovery; I never go there and things are so busy with me that I barely manage to read here a lot of the time.

Yayayayayayayayayay!

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