</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SDFR . . . doesn't it feel wrong though that you cannot feel those feelings for your W? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it does and part of me resents her for that. She or the affair stole something from I can never get back. My therapists says I will in time. Says I will once again take pride in her, once again trust her....but alas she has no comment when I say "but I will never be able to use the word faithful again".

But that is part of the trade off. A stronger more connected marriage is the upside. The loss of that "innocence" is the downside.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SDFR . . . a personal question for you. Do you think that you can open yourself up completely to make your M better than it was before?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well for me this was easy. First of all I always wanted to be closer to her. I waited to get married until I finished college and since I took a break from college for a couple of years I was almost 27 when I married. I dated a fair amount. Had a modest number of lovers the vast majority of which I was close to I was not a ONS guy for the most part.

So I felt like I knew what I was looking for when I finally married.

So I wanted to be her soulmate. I would tell he regards to intimacy that we were missing out on something special. But in her scarred mind she thought I was just pushing for more sex.

Jazzey this is important. She always said I was her soulmate...even while in the affair. She had no role model of what a good loving relationship. Or as she put she was lost trying to find her way to me but life had left her without a map. She wanted to be more open and closer to me too.

And she did as she worked her way thru therapy and overcame most of her deamons (she still has things to work on but the mountain is a small rolling heal soon to be a molehill).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just curious because if you can than how do you get past the pain? It does seem that we have/had similar feelings even though the situations are different.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really didn't think I could. In fact my sister was with me supporting me when I first found things out. At times I would go to stay at her house early on when things were crazy. She talked to my sister (they were and still are close) and my sister warned her that I was a black and white kind of guy.

I got past the pain because I always wanted a closer marriage and I could see that I would have that if I could get past things....BTW I can't say I am past the pain but the good feelings far outweigh the bad and the pain is fading fast.

And I got past the pain because my wife would not let go. Curse her, run her down, tell her I hate her, tell her she ruined my life, and so on it did not matter she refused to stop loving she refused to let go.

Ironic that scared little girl that was too weak to stand up for her marriage during the affair was strong enough for the two of us after the affair.

Jazzey yes things are very similar for you and me but I see a big difference between my spouse and yours.

Mine was convinced she would lose me over this. That fear drove her.

Now I am not saying you should play games and try and scare you husband into putting more effort in and opening up.

But perhaps he too wants to do this but is paralyzed with fear. Handcuffed by shame and guilt.

I really wish you two could sit down with a trained professional and work on this. His pain tells me he is remorseful and sincere.

But alot of men are not skilled at dealing with their feelings.

I am not your average guy. My dad had an exit affair when I was 1. Mother didn't remarry until I was 10. My iister was my best friend growing up so I always had a deeper respect for women and a greater understanding of them as individuals.

Downside with that is I truly value love and intimacy. Its not a game for me and I take it quite seriously...did so even in my hormone driven teen years. So this hits me harder than just my pride. Adultery goes against my very moral fiber and is one area I did indeed have to learn how to see gray.

Jazzey make an all effort to go to or get professional counseling where your husband will feel safe to open up. Read up and see what you can do to help him with it.

The cost of a divorce money wise is very high even in lightly contested divorces.

The cost emotionally is staggering. Most men are bitter after a divorce slightly more than 3 years. Its even worse for women who are bitter just under 10 years.

Cost of going to counseling, reading up and making the effort......

PRICELESS!

JG,
Before you throw in the towel completely, I would like to suggest one more option. There is a marriage weekend that has had a success rate of 85% marriages surviving as of 2 years later. And these are marriages that consisted of people already considering divorce, not just stale marriages. At our weekend, you could tell as people came in that many were not even on speaking terms. The body language spoke volumes. But by the end of the weekend, there were people snuggling together, laughing, and enjoying each other. If nothing else, you end up feeling that your spouse has really heard your feelings, and it is done in a manner that is very "safe" for all involved. This does not happen in front of others, and their method avoids hostility. The name of the program is Retrouvaille. Their web site is www.retrouvaille.org or you can call 800-470-2230. Please consider it for after the baby is born.
Unfortunately, my husband still had contact with his OW, so things aren't going well for us, but if that were not the case, I think it would have worked for us.