I know everyone here that has followed my story has told me it was time for Plan B. I just couldn't do it. Now I feel as though it is entirely too late. I feel as though everything I have done since d-day (Feb 14,2003) has been a complete waste. WH said yesterday he was leaving, told me to do what I wanted with the business, keep it or sell it he didnt care. He needed time to straightened out his head. He is basically tearing down what we have worked for for the past 6 1/2 years.

I knew right now I am out of control and all I am doing is driving him away, I give him no peace. He looks at me with nothing sometimes and with such anger. How do I stop hurting him with the things I say? How do we ever find the love we once had when things are this way? I know we cant continue to live together but I know once we seperate that is it. Plan B letter is written and waiting to be given but at this point WH will not understand how I can still love him. It wont do any good. I cant write anymore..I cant see through the tears.

Lisa...I swore to myself that I wasn't going to post to you anymore...it's too painful and frustrating!

You can't stop LB because he won't stop cheating...it's as simple as that!!!!

LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have no way of knowing that he won't come back once you separate. Only God could know that.

Lots of people here have separated, gotten help and went on to a successful recovery.

I do not know how you and your H could continue to put each other and your children through this.

Being without him couldn't be worse then being with him....how could it??????

You've survived this horrible nightmare you are definitely strong enought to survive without him until he gets his act together.

Plan B is your only choice. Just make sure once you start it you do not slip and have contact with him...until he does the things he needs to do...into IC with a therapist who can actually help him, stop contact with the OW, agrees to MB principles, etc.

Lisa,

Come on dear, give me your hand and step out of your view right now. I want you to see yourself as if you were another poster here. ok?

Now what do you see? I found it helpful to do that to my situation. It made the plan B option much clearer.

Remember plan B is for you. Contact with him angers and frustrates you. He is already frustrated and angry whether you are nice (plan A) or the 'supposed' cruel (plan B). See his reaction has been the same. The kicker is you are falling for his WS babble when he BLAMES U for his anger.

It is NOT your fault. Don't accept his anger. If he says he needs to go clear his head, tell him good. Don't say too much to a man with a stuffed head. Kinda like telling a person whose sinus' are clogged up and can't breathe to blow their nose and smell the flowers. He just can't. Yet his eyes are watering and snot is flowing out of his nostrils. Boy does that paint a 'memorable' picture! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok, enough from me. Let's hear from you now.

Hugz,
L.

Why is it “too late for Plan B?”
You can do Plan B at anytime. It may not save the marriage but it will help YOU through this.

Plan B letter is written and waiting to be given but at this point WH will not understand how I can still love him.
That is why you give him the letter. Then at least it is said and understood what you are seeking.

It wont do any good.
Sure it will. It will let him know what you are thinking and feeling.

Lisa,

How are you doing?

L.

Hi Everyone,

I am doing okay. Yesterday was just terrible..you should see how puffy my eyes are. You are all right, I just cant do this anymore. WH said to me everything I have been doing wrong and whether he was to stop contact or not he was probably still leaving. Mind you now he is also cheating on OW. I think it is so unfair for him to tell these things, which I have acknowledged are my weakness, and expect to give me nothing in return. I guess its just his way of shifting blame. Reality has slammed me in the face like a brick wall today. I am going to let him go. I am done talking to him about anything, it only makes matters worst.

His impression of us seperating is that he is still going to be in my life on a daily basis. I told him this is not going to be the case. His response: Its gotta be all or nothing with you doesnt it. I said I really dont think it is unfair for me to ask you that. I did not enter this marriage with the understanding that I would be sharing you with other women.

I am actually starting to feel sorry for OW1, crazy as it may seem. I realize now this is totally my WH..he is so screwed up. She actually thinks she is special in his eyes. My WH holds no one special in his heart, he is incapable of it.

I must now focus on taking care of myself and my kids...as far as I am concerned this marriage is over. Please keep posting to me even though I may sound like I dont hear, I do and now I am finally ready to stop this. I need you guys now more than ever. Thanks

Lisa

Lisa - I've been in Plan B for about 2 weeks and it is wonderful. I had just gotten to the point that I couldn't stand the constant deception, it was literally killing my love for H. I spent days crying, could hardly go to work and was constantly miserable and sick. I wrote him Plan B letter and gave it to him. It was good to have it in writing because he does not listen to my words, remember what we talked about, and is always shifting blame. Since I have been in Plan B I feel much better about everything. Each day I get more content. Done a lot around the house, cleaning, painting, fixed yard up, organizing. Been to Mexico for a two day vacation, gone out with friend, just a whole new life. I'm taking care of my spiritual side too. Before I was so distraught I could hardly do anything. Plan B does work, believe me. Hang in there and start doing something for YOU.

Lisa,

What I did -- also two weeks ago -- was drum up the last remaining scraps of love I could feel for this man, and sent a PBL, which was also a final love letter.

No matter what happens, no matter how much my feelings change in the coming months and years, I can look back on that letter and know I gave it my absolute best shot, with the last dregs of love that I had. I don't think I have it in me to live up to the forgiving person who wrote that letter -- odds are, I won't have to! But I know I did what was true and just and honorable to the end.

That makes the PBL worth it, whatever he does.

Also, a PBL is a strong final note -- much better than just drifting into a (possibly) permanent silence. It clarifies for oneself one's aims and goals, and makes it clear you aren't just avoiding conflict or withdrawing by NC.

Hey Guys,

I am still here..hope some of you still care. I have some questions to ask but I am afraid. I know you guys think I dont listen. These questions are not about what to do anymore..that has become painfully evident to me the past couple of days. I have some other questions about emotions and feelings and hope. So let me know if that is okay..I know you guys will come through for me. Thanks

Lisa

My dear Lisa,

Ask away. U know us, we speak our mind and our heart. May sound a bit funky sometimes but it is meant with the best of intentions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know you are listening. Don't be afraid to ask. ok?

hugz,
L.

Ask away....we still care about you...it's just hard watching someone you care about continue to let someone hurt them.

Orchid and Forever,

Thanks for making me for safe enough to ask these questions..I cant tell you what that means to me.

Well, here it goes: Well it has been established that he will be leaving..right from his own mouth. I guess I need to know how do I act until then. I am so hurt I really cant even look at him right now. I dont know how to be. Next, How do you still have hope when you hear no hope from your WH? He more or less has stated that this is over, but really doesnt know how he is going to feel once we seperate. He has also said to me the other day fixing our M is not a priority, his top priority is his kids. Well I just dont understand that, I am their Mother, how can he just detach me from that. And finally how do I deal with the emotions I feel, when he looks at me and I see nothing, the anger and blame that comes from his mouth, the distance that keeps building between us? Well I guess that is it..I am sure I will have more questions later.

Thanks

Lisa

Lisa -

I hope you are doing better- I'm not going to offer any advice because I'm in about the same spot as you are.. I just wanted to wish you the best. L&C

L&C

Thank you and I wish the same for you. It is all so unbearable at times.

Lisa

Lisa...he says this because he is temporarily insane!! He can't survive what he's done unless he detaches to some degree. Imagine if you'd done these awful things...you'd have to detach to survive. He's in so over his head.....

Until he gets help (his IC must not be any good) he will keep spouting this stuff and self destructing.

Neither you nor him know what the future holds for you.

Have you given him a date to move out? As for how to treat him while he's there...I would try to do what you were doing awhile ago...steer clear as much as possible and when you have to interact do so as unemotionally as possible.

Don't give him reasons to put the blame on you...that's what people do who are as messed up as he is.

Believe me...he is not any happier then you are.

Hang in there!

Forever,

Yes I agree, WH is more messed up than I thought. Last week when he was jailed for a day and half, his sister called me and asked if I needed any help. Well we got talking and she was saying no one in the family could believe he could let things get so out of hand. They knew about his A, but did not know all about our financial difficulties...etc. Anyway she went on to say the same thing you did about self destructive path, she said its a pattern he keeps repeating that started in childhood. She said she loved her brother dearly but could not possibly understand him at this point, meaning everything going on with our lives and his A still ongoing. She also said I have kept my mouth shut but maybe its time to start talking to him.

As far as me and WH, yes I am steering clear only interacting when absolutely necessary. He has been sleeping on the couch. He did talk to me some today. He told me he got a 2-hr lecture from his parents about this whole situation and about me. He did say he owes me a hugh apology. He also said that nothing in his life feels right anymore. I did not say anything about OW or our marriage. I am done with that for now. I just listened. He asked me if he could call me later to talk, all I said was I would be home. I guess letting his parents in on our whole situation last week while he was in jail may help, I dont know. BTW his parents are the ones who bailed him out of jail. As far as a deadline, I told him Nov 1st, because there was no way I was going through the holidays like this. Well I have been unemotional now for 2 days and I am going to stay that way. In your honest opinion, if he wants to talk about things should I talk or should I just listen at this point and let him figure some things out. When I start to talk right now I get to emotional. Or should I just say I really cant do this right now. Thanks

Lisa

Lisa...while he's out of control and erratic like he's been I would stay in listening mode only...he can't comprehend what you say or deal with your emotions...he's just not capable. Don't offer your thoughts on anything, just listen as impassively as you can. He's like a little kid..he's trying to push your buttons, get a reaction from you so he can justify his behaviour...don't give him that!!!

Has he thought about switching counselors?

Lisa, just a note to say I'm as confussed as you and Lost&Confussed. So do not feel alone on all of this. Hang in there and a ((((HUG)))) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>Orchid and Forever,

Thanks for making me for safe enough to ask these questions..I cant tell you what that means to me.

Well, here it goes: Well it has been established that he will be leaving..right from his own mouth. I guess I need to know how do I act until then. I am so hurt I really cant even look at him right now. I dont know how to be. Next, How do you still have hope when you hear no hope from your WH? He more or less has stated that this is over, but really doesnt know how he is going to feel once we seperate. He has also said to me the other day fixing our M is not a priority, his top priority is his kids. Well I just dont understand that, I am their Mother, how can he just detach me from that. And finally how do I deal with the emotions I feel, when he looks at me and I see nothing, the anger and blame that comes from his mouth, the distance that keeps building between us? Well I guess that is it..I am sure I will have more questions later.

Thanks

Lisa</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Lisa,
Sorry the response took sooo long. I don't post from work so I have to wait until I get home.

As for his babble, right now you need to be the better person and look past it. Just as if he isn't talking. All that junk spewing out of his mouth which he may not even recall once his santity returns.

So use this time to work on you. I know you have already but you have been through a lot. He doesn't want to work on the M and is a bit confused trying to make the children his priority when you are a main contributor. Let him try. He will fumble but you need to let him fall all by himself.

I think this may be harder for you than if you were to walk over a bed of nails but honey, you need to do this. DON'T HELP HIM.

Go to plan B and see how he likes not having a W. He will act as if he is enjoying it but you will still see his grumpy side.

At one point during the A, I asked the angry WS if he could please do me a favor. He grumpily asked 'what?'. I asked him to please go and find my real H, ask him to come back for 1 last time so I good tell him I loved him, give him a hug and a kiss for the last time. With tears in my eyes, I asked as soft as possible.

Brought him to tears also. Wow, should have gotten an oscar for that performance. It was real though. Painful to even think about but the point is that I reached his heart. It was not completely hard like he wanted me to believe.

Wait your turn and keep an eye out for that soft spot. If he is still breathing then it is there somewhere underneath all that anger.

hugz,
L.