We have been married for 14 yrs and have 2 kids, 9 & 10. It looked as if all our plans were finally coming around--healthy, happy, smart children, promising careers, financial stability. I basically had/have everything. However, we did not make it thru my husband's overseas remote in one piece. I am the WS. I finally feel confident and independent after having to take care of the kids, house, career, bills etc. while he was away. I also fell in love with a co-worker.

H and I still love each other, but there is a lack of passion. I feel fiercely passionate about the OM and that I may be missing my chance if I try to stay in a marriage that is merely not bad. I have never felt this strongly about anyone. I don't regret the A and have only apologized for the hurt that it caused my H. I feel that trying to keep the marriage is not always the thing to do. I believe my H is strong and can go on to recover and find happiness and hope he does.

I believe my kids will do well thru it b/c there is a lot of love. H & I are dealing with this calmly and rationally, but slowly. If my kids found this kind of passion, even if they were married to someone else, I would want them to pursue it and live it. But I also know if they were on the other end it would really eat me up.

I am interested in hearing opinions from all sides on this one...

You may want to read nursedg4 thread titled
please give me your opinions.. She was the WW that had an affair with her OM, now her fiance, two years before she left her H and kids. It's now been three years that she and him have been living together, and now she discovers that he is having an affair with an OW and wants to go live with her. This is a very sobering story about the old saying 'what goes around comes around'. And before you say 'that can never happen to us' please ponder the following question What kind of man is it that has an affair with a married woman with kids? Not one that respects the institution of marriage. So consider yourself warned.

The passion you feel now you once felt for your husband a long time ago. Perhaps it wasn't the same as the passion you feel now but that was a long time ago and you were a different person. That passon can be regained but not while you are with the OM. You might want to consider the consequences of your A. At this stage in the A you have no understanding of the pain and suffering that you will bring down on your H, your children and yourself. Plus the fact that 85% of A's never result in marriage because as soon as the relationship becomes "normal" guess what?The old problems begin to reoccur just with a different guy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by S.H.:
<strong> We have been married for 14 yrs and have 2 kids, 9 & 10. It looked as if all our plans were finally coming around--healthy, happy, smart children, promising careers, financial stability. I basically had/have everything. However, we did not make it thru my husband's overseas remote in one piece. I am the WS. I finally feel confident and independent after having to take care of the kids, house, career, bills etc. while he was away. I also fell in love with a co-worker.

H and I still love each other, but there is a lack of passion. I feel fiercely passionate about the OM and that I may be missing my chance if I try to stay in a marriage that is merely not bad. I have never felt this strongly about anyone. I don't regret the A and have only apologized for the hurt that it caused my H. I feel that trying to keep the marriage is not always the thing to do. I believe my H is strong and can go on to recover and find happiness and hope he does.

I believe my kids will do well thru it b/c there is a lot of love. H & I are dealing with this calmly and rationally, but slowly. If my kids found this kind of passion, even if they were married to someone else, I would want them to pursue it and live it. But I also know if they were on the other end it would really eat me up.

I am interested in hearing opinions from all sides on this one... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear S.H.

Thanks for having the courage to post this. You show that down deep you are a person wanting integrity. Even though right now you're not living in integrity.

Please see this post and read what I've written. Carefully consider the direction you're headed. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=025538

You have no reliable way of predicting the ultimate pain and suffering you will cause by quickly dismissing your marriage covenant made before God and man.

The fact that you are troubled NOW, should speak VOLUMES TO YOU!!! LOUDLY!!!!

Please don't dismiss this nagging voice inside. It comes from a very highly placed source....

Also, inform yourself by reading here. You are living in "The Infamous Fog"!! All who are in an Affair, do so. It is devastatingly devious. It is always wrong!

I pledge my prayers for you and especially for your wounded spouse and innocent children as well as those who will pay for this on the OM's family side.

S.H.

One of the classic mistakes you are making is the belief that this is something good for your children all in the name of your happiness...

You are choosing a path that in which the father of his own children is made in to a visitor to his own children...all in the name of your happiness...

Is that ever a good thing?

And even more scarey in the name of your happiness and passion this OM will attempt to replace their own father....and darn it..they should like that and be happy about it...

You are so caught up in the emotion and "passion" of all of this that you can only rationalize it into being OK..it's not...

I feel that trying to keep the marriage is not always the thing to do.
No one here does either...
abuse, addiction, neglect all kinds of bad situations exist out there that clearly point to people should not stay married...
this site exist not because dr. harley fiercely believes that people should stay married no matter what...BUT because in his course of counseling over and over couples came to him...and said they wanted to try to make it work...

Even when people get divorced with out an affair...with children involved...there needs be a long time of mourning and adjustment...
When divorcing people really care about the well being of their children above their own they xet clear boundaries that support the real TRAUMA their children experience...
and divorce on children is traumatic...arguabley even more traumatic when there is no gross chaos in the home...and the root is a parent discarding a spouse for a passoniate stud in their bed..

If you divorce I suggest you no matter what have no contact with the OM for one year and (he) none with your children......that you focus soley on your childrens needs for that year...and through the natural mourning process they will go through..before bringing studly in..
If it is meant to be...both of you will still be there after a year..
it's a small sacrifice in relationship to your childrens well being and adjustment to an unjust divorce...

Believe that you can drop dad and introduce the OM as if he is the greatest thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...
and you will be throwing them and their emotions and developement to the wolves...expecially in their ages..
they love their dad..
they deserve their dad in their home...

are you considering that dad gets full custody..and you visit on weekends...because that would be more acceptable to them than being forced to live with a new strange man as their dad...that's some thing you should consider..why is their father made the visitor and replacable when it is you that wants him replaced...

Love is not enough..

Do you really see the big picture of what you are trying to rationalize...

life is not just about our own needs...kids deserve their dad with them as their dad...over your need for passion which exists not outside of yourself..but because you are putting all your energy and focus their creating it with your OM and withdrawing it...like you have for a long time with your husband...

life is not about love...love is not just a feeling love is action and if your action of love with a person outside of your marriage results in trauma and chaos to innocent children...then is serves no good...

justify,
rationalize,
blow off the reality of your actions and choices..

you are headed down a path of destructive pain...
caused by you...
orchestrated by you...
all in the name of selfishness...

you know the truth is that it is less important who we lie next to each night than it is who the person is we face in the mirror each day...

Your poor kids are just gonna be tossed around ...
aren't they...I mean really that's where this is headed...

I believe my H is strong and can go on to recover and find happiness and hope he does.

toss hubby out there ....with the thought the sooner he finds himself someone else the sooner that will make you feel less guilty..

and two years down the line..these kids now have
a new step dad...new step mom...
visiting here and there...
splitting this holiday and that one..
half time spent here
half spent there...
this is what you are offerring them..
sounds peachy huh??

sad sad sad sad..
BUT if mom is happy ...that's what is important...

I know you believe you and your OM are different..
that somehow the passion will be just spill out from the two of you and your happiness will infect all others in to magically being happy as well...

it never works that way..no matter how much we believe it...

these are not judgement..
these are realities of your path...

I hope you change the path you are heading..
for the sake of your husband and children..
i pray you do..

ARK

Remember that what he does WITH you he can do TO you. Why? for the same reasons you have stated. Afterall, if you divorce your H and marry him, he meets an OW whom he beleives is his true 'soulmate', doesn't he deserve to be happy even if it means your emotional devastation? Until YOU become the recipient of your own 'reasoning', you will never know how selfish and thoughtless it is.

What you are doing is just plain wrong. You are only thinking about yourself and what you want. This is YOUR life and YOU want to feel happiness and passion. I completely understand your feeling. But, having an A is not going to bring you what you seek.

Think about your kids for a moment. Their Mother is having sex with another Man not their Father!!! And you think they will not be affected because there is a lot of love?? They are at and age that they can understand what you are doing and I can tell you from personal experience that deep down they feel that what you are doing is disgusting. They are ashamed of you and your behavior. Their feelings about love and trust have been destroyed. And the consequences of your actions will follow and hound then the rest of their lives. Oh, outwardly they put on the smiley face to make you happy. But, inside they are feeling so much pain and anger over what has been brought into their lives by you that if you truly understood what they feel you would never ever have any contact with the OM and would do anything in your power to restore your marriage. Your kids deserve a better Mother and a better life that the one you have created.

Check out the post “Children of infidelity.”

Beau

I don't regret the A and have only apologized for the hurt that it caused my H

What a classic display of "the fog". No not the movie with Jamie Lee Curtis. S.H., what is the fog you say? Well, many of the veterans here will give this and that about it being rationilization and not seeing clearly. I have a different term for it. It's called hedonism. Every read Dorian Gray??? NOT a happy ending.

MTD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by S.H.:
I am interested in hearing opinions from all sides on this one... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you'll be hard pressed to find people to offer you affirmation, here. even from those who have had affairs.

to wit, here's a post from a wayward (former?) that might be worth a moment of your time: Why we have affairs.

you imply the following in your post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">with my husband i have a mortgage, kids, looming college expenses, and any number of real stresses that are a part of family life.

with my om i have great conversation, passionate sex, lunch dates, and few real worries. plus, he "totally gets me."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how does your husband compete with that? right now he can't. after 14 years he should have the chance to do so, yes?

as for how your children will handle it all ... you're quite confident. i am a child of divorce and so is my wife. i was five when my parents ended their marriage. my wife was 18 when her parents split.

both sets of parents loved their children immensely and dealt with each other calmly and rationally.

even after doing their best, my wife and i are deeply affected by our parents' divorces in numerous ways that they never could have predicted. i imagine your children will be affected similarly.

it's good that you're here. my hope is that you will choose to learn from the awesome people here, both betrayeds and former waywards alike.

your marriage still may not survive, but you can be sure you've followed a path toward healing before reaching that result.

(added link in the edit)

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

S.H.

Has anything that has been said make you question your actions?

I clearly do not agree with what you are doing but I don't want you to stop asking questions and learning about A's. Please, do not be afraid to post comments or questions. We are very interested in helping you understand what is happening to you and why you feel the way you do. Don't run away from this because it is to important to you and your family.

Do yourself and your whole family a favor and educate yourself on the reality of affairs--start with Surviving an Affair by Harley and also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Please, I implore you to read about this and break through the fantasy and rationalizations you are giving yourself.

I will pray for you and your family.

S.H.:

"However, we did not make it thru my husband's overseas remote in one piece."

WE??? Or YOU did not make it. Sounds like your H did make it. Be honest with yourself.

"I am the WS. I finally feel confident and independent after having to take care of the kids, house, career, bills etc. while he was away. I also fell in love with a co-worker."

Good for you for feeling confident and independent! But, how is falling in love with a coworker expressing this new-found independence? How is becoming dependent on a SECOND man expressing your independence?

"H and I still love each other, but there is a lack of passion. I feel fiercely passionate about the OM and that I may be missing my chance if I try to stay in a marriage that is merely not bad."

You won't be the first fool 2 believe that passion will last forever. Did you not ever feel passion for your H?

"I have never felt this strongly about anyone."

Passion is fleeting. You won't feel this strongly about the OM someday.

"I don't regret the A and have only apologized for the hurt that it caused my H."

And this made you feel better about having an A rather than getting a DV FIRST? What about the hurt it's causing your children. They aren't idiots. They will know something is wrong. What about the hurt you're causing yourself? Did you find personal integrity when you found your independence? How do you feel about destroying that?

"I feel that trying to keep the marriage is not always the thing to do."

No it's not. But DVing because of an A is usually not the right thing 2 do. As 2MCM has said, you will even2ally have 2 face the fact that you and your partner have become liars and a cheaters 2 be 2gether, and your relationship is based on deceit. Again, the passion you feel now will fade in time.

"I believe my H is strong and can go on to recover and find happiness and hope he does."

He'll have 2, won't he? What about you? And if your OM is married, what about his wife and family?

"I believe my kids will do well thru it b/c there is a lot of love."

And now, with your plans, a lot of cruelty as well.

"H & I are dealing with this calmly and rationally, but slowly."

Wise. Have you sought professional counseling? You should.

"If my kids found this kind of passion, even if they were married to someone else, I would want them to pursue it and live it. But I also know if they were on the other end it would really eat me up."

You can't have it both ways.

"I am interested in hearing opinions from all sides on this one... "

I am interested in finding out whether you are a real person and this is a real si2ation. Do you honestly want "help?" Or validation?

If it's help you're after, there's plenty of it here.

best,
-2long

Bump

I appreciate the responses. I have a lot to reply but need some time to word it appropriately. H and I are currently apart for a week or so. It's actually kind of nice, just me and the kids again. I don't feel like I have to tip-toe around all the time. I will respond to the previous messages--they are truly helpful!

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by S.H.:

I appreciate the responses. I have a lot to reply but need some time to word it appropriately. H and I are currently apart for a week or so. It's actually kind of nice, just me and the kids again. I don't feel like I have to tip-toe around all the time. I will respond to the previous messages--they are truly helpful!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That week apart is NOT going to help you look at the situation objectively if you are going to use it to expand your time with the OM. Use that time ALONE to educate yourself as much as you can on affairs by reading books like Dr Willard Harley's 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'.

You may think we are all a bunch of bitter and biased BS(betrayed spouses) and while that may be the case for some, the vast majority of us are not. We have become very knowledgeable about affairs and hope that you too will before making a decision that is going to have far reaching consequences not only for you but for your family as well.

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

S.H.

We understand the anguish caused by and affair and the terrible pressure and guilt that people feel. But, it is no longer just about you and what you want. You have children and a husband to consider. The children need, want and deserve their parents to be together. A little time away from your husband is Ok, but not long. Stop all contact with the OM.

There are many examples on this board of people that feel exactly as you do. They begin their story by saying that they have found the love of their life. If you follow their story you will find that virtually 100% of them come out of the “fog” and suddenly begin to think clearly and are horrified over their behavior and the pain that they have brought down on their family.

Trust in the vast knowledge of the people on this board to help direct your actions in the coming days, weeks and months. It is going to be hard and painful. But, you will come through this and will be much happier than you were during the affair and your marriage with stronger and you and your husband will be closer and more in love than you ever thought possible.

Beau

WAKE UP....

Passion, = Before marriage. You had it with your husband before you signed a marriage contract and say I do didn't you? The problem I see is your looking at a new body something that creates lust not love. Love is built over time and passion takes effort to keep alive. when's the last time you "two" your husband and you got wild a crazy? whens the last time you looked at all you're family photos of the happy years past? Whens the last time you just set at the beds edge and watch the man you use to have passion for sleep and was greatful to have him? whens the last time either of you went on a date? When is the last time you put everything aside except your husband? Yes false passion is every where you look these days but love well your lucky if you find it once in a life time. If you'd put the time in you're marriage it looks like you're willing to put in to an affair, I'd bet you'd find the passion you say you don't have any more. If the affair is what you want well no one can stop you but beware that you will get what you seek a person like the person you'll have to offer you're new lust a cheater some one that can't put the guilt behind them when in 1,2,3,4,5 years time you're out looking for passion again and no longer fine it in your new husband that you met by cheating and talking the same talk you're talking now. Put the entergy in the marriage. You only ever get back what you give. And do you really think you'd be okay with your childs husband or wife doing this to them and sending them down the long and painful road to recovering. I think not, I never want my son to feel the pain I live with daily nor would I want him to hurt is partner. Trust me every thing you're missing, I beat he's "your husband is missing too. But it takes both partners talking, holding, loving, playing, work at it daily and finding time to be together to keep a fire glowing in a marriage. Please I'm not trying to be mean or nasty. I'm only trying to point out facts. Get wild and crazy with your husband force the passion back you'll both be glad you did.

bumo

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

It must take a lot of courage on your part to post here, where you may well suspect that there are a lot of BSs reeling from the pain caused by their spouses. It shows you are open to what people might say.

Harley had a guy call into his radio show about a month ago with a story that was unusual even for his show. The man had had an affair with a woman while he was married, and they had four children together. He divorced this woman 17 years ago and married his affair partner 10 years ago. He felt like God wanted this union because they shared a common mission that I can't remember, but it had something to do with helping people within the church. Things seemed to go very well for 10 years until his W started an A with another woman.

Harley recommended that the man consider going back to his original W. He said, more or less, that if you behave with your spouse in a lovng manner, the love will come. The love of an A is a fantasy.

I just thought the story was fascinating because the man must have been devastated by the A in a way that few people can be. After all, he left his wife and four children because of the incredible love he felt for this woman, they seemed to have a wonderful marriage for 10 years, and then this...

I do believe that most people meet people who seem to be a better match than their spouse. Trust me, I have! In fact, there is a guy who is the wife of a friend of mine, and I am totally taken by him. He is witty, smart, and very good-looking. What do I do about that? I stay as far away from him as I can!!!!

I think there are people who know their weaknesses well enough to stay away from people they are attracted to, people who decide that they can break their marriage vows if someone comes along who seems to be a better match for their spouse, and people who wander into an affair because they didn't realize they were vulnerable.

If you are in an A because you think that this man is a better match than your spouse, then what is to prevent you from breaking your commitment to him when someone else comes along? Worse yet, if OM is in the A because you are a better match than his spouse, then what is to prevent him from breaking his commitment to you when someone else comes along?

Despite the incredible pain that my H has given me, I am committed to this man for life. I will not remarry. I will certainly not help someone else break their marriage vows. Even if your OM isn't married, he didn't respect that you were. Think about it....

I must say that I admire your willingness to look at what you are doing. From what my H tells me, he didn't want to look at what he was doing.