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Just read this whole thread.

Thanks for all who have the patience to reply to S.H.

What a display of courage and passion to save someone from the pitfall of an A!

Your posts made me cry.

S.H,

I can't add anything, nor can I hope that whatever I say will change your mind. You're heading where every WS is heading to. Print Melody's last post to you and I challenge you to deviate from the outcome that she's given, if you chose to continue with your affair. You won't be able to (so much for your "independence"). If I could bet on it, I'd sell my house.

Regarding your kids...

My daughter (12) expressed the desire to tatoo "I hate OP" on her arm, so that her mother can understand how much she's hurting. Think about it. Your children will put a brave face and will smile to OP when they meet, but don't trust that facade. An affair destroys their childhood, their safety, their world. Can you take the heat for doing that? All because you found a "soulmate". They will hate the "soulmate". The "soulmate" will hate them. You will be the one to take sides (how "independent" your choice will be then?). Who will you defend? OP? Your OWN kids? It's a tough choice. One should never put him/herself in this position. That's what you're doing now. Stepping into the trap laid up for you.

S.H., I know you don't want to hear what everybody is telling you. You haven't experienced the aftermath yet. You're experiencing the "high" of the affair now. I admire your courage to have come here whether accidentally or not. Comeback when you really get hurt. It will happen sooner than you think.

BigStar


P.S.

There is a reason why pro-marriage counsellors don't accept couples when one of them doesn't want their marriage. YOU have to want it first, but to get there, you have to hurt yourself. Go ahead, hurt your husband, your kids and yourself, but if your husband is with someone else when you want back, don't blame him. Blame yourself.

I wish you all the best.

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My first post!!!
A bit about me...
-4 year marriage/no kids
-noticed wife's best freind avoiding eye contact with me
-started snooping and found wife involved with her boss
-my d-day was hell, theirs was probably more so
-divorced 8 months with no regrets
-I'm kinda forensically filling in the blanks, great website

I work with a woman with kids about your children's age and who was unhappy with her husband returning from an 11 month reserve deployment. There was no infidelity involved, she just kinda wanted her hubby to start looking for a new place to live the day after he returned.
They had problems before he left.

Her husband got a lawyer and she was removed from the house about a week later. It seems the judge felt her husband needed to re-establish his relationship with his children and that she could have handled things differently. She was given lots of incentive to work things out with her husband.

My point is that you're only in a position of strength because of your husband's...kindness. I'm not judging you, your soulmate/guy you're banging sounds like a real winner. I'm just saying your problems at the moment are nothing compared to what may happen if your husband gets an aggressive attorney and pushes for full custody.

I don't mean to sound harsh, its good that you're full of self-confidence. But you may well lose your kids, lose your job, and wind up a single woman who has to explain why she doesn't have custody of her kids and why she felt the need to cheat on her hubby while he was serving his country in time of war. There are some judges out there who may take a very, very dim view of your smug journey of self-discovery.

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I have been following this thread and find it amazing how so many people with experience have been trying to lift S.H. from the fog. Also, it is wonderful to see that S.H. has the incredible courage to visit and post on the site, and be willing to at least educate herself.

I truly hope that you, S.H. can find it deep within your heart the same love and passion you once did feel for your H that you now think you feel for OM. I'ts there, and you KNOW it deep down in the back of your mind. Please, I implore you to just let it re-surface and give him the chance to start meeting your EN's again and I believe the passion will return with time and committment.

I also, truly wish that my WH would have the courage to come to this site, because I did tell him about it when he asked me where I learned about the FOG I told him he is under. Unfortunately, I don't believe he has visited it yet, simply because I think he is not as courageous as you S.H. to seek out help or to see if what he is experiencing is just infatuation and fantasy.

I apologize for venting on your thread, but please keep educating yourself, and don't shut out the great people who are fighting for you and your marriage.

God Bless,
FF

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^^^

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Saving your marriage is always the right thing to do!!

Beau

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H is back and things still seem awkward and forced. I find myself thinking more about the hurt I have already caused H and how I would hurt my kids if I do not try to make this work. H and I talked about seeing a MC. He called me this morning at work to tell me that he thinks I should be the one to call. I haven't yet b/c today at work was hectic. I have tomorrow off and plan to call. I tried to find Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, at the library. Of course they didn't have it. Our library kind of sucks. I did find a pretty good one. When I got home I found out H called OM. He wanted him to come over and talk. (They had spoken about the A previously.) OM insisted that I should be here when they met. I had H call OM back and tell him that I didn't think it was a good idea. Partly b/c H had been drinking all afternoon. Partly b/c that would be just too awkward and I would feel forced into talking about things that I feel should be left alone until I am thinking more clearly about them. Partly b/c I think H and I would benefit more from talking about this with a MC than with OM.

I am going to go start reading the book and perhaps browse this site some more--looking up things like FOG, Plan A, Plan B, etc. Thank you everyone for your valuable inputs.

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sh ... this is very good news. it's going to get harder before it gets easier from here. but i, for one, am proud of these first setps you've taken.

it would also be a good idea for your husband to start coming to the site and learning the mb principles. when you can, maybe instead of going to library for surviving and affair you go to the bookstore and purchase two copies: one for you and one for your husband.

please keep coming here.

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On occassion all the parties do have a group conversation, but it is rare, and of dubious value because of the intense issues. If you can all be highly rational, altruistic, and healthily focused, more power to you, but I doubt it. The only time this makes any sense is two couples, hashing out the issues, each coming from common ground, balanced so to speak. The moment you have a threesome, where 2 suitors are haggling (or euphemistically discussing in any context at all) over one mating opportunity, you got trouble with a capital "T". When you throw in children, and financial issues, well..... lucky if it ends simply without violence, but nothing good will prevail. The best would just be the op showing up long enough to apologize, pledge NC, and leave....and that can be done one on one with the bs, or by other means (phone etc.).

If perchance you all decide to do this, it should be done on neutral ground with a facillitator (such as a counselling professional, or religious leader).

SH I have a question (and it is not meant to be disrespectful). At some level are you feeling anything "good" (so to speak) about having 2 men want you, and being the center of that kind of struggle?

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 07:57 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

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S.H.
Congratulations…you made the correct choice to discuss OM with husband during MC. I am proud of you for taking the first step on the road to self-discovery. Continue to post questions and we will do out best to guide you as you go forward with MC.

I know that you get tired of us saying to stop all contact with OM and direct your energies toward making your marriage all that it can be. The reason is simple – if you continue to see OM your head will be telling you one thing and your heart will be saying another. You will continue to be conflicted about your choices.

Look other e-mails of recent and you will discover that every wayward spouse says the exact same thing about the OP, e.g., “the love of my life”, “my soul-mate”, “ I have never felt this way about anyone.” Sound familiar?

Well, if you follow their stories a little further you will also discover that they come to understand (fog clears) that their thinking was irrational and their feelings were totally unfounded. In fact, OM is not special, not the love they though he was, and in fact he may have more problems than husband.

If you read the story of Nursedg4 - the short story is that she took her children and left her husband and lived with OM for 3.5 years. At the end of the affair she discovered that the “love of her life” had a series of affairs while she was living with him. The pain that she caused her husband suddenly rained down on her. And she grieved terribly.

She left OM and moved back home. She is now living in the same town as H and has maintained a certain level of contact with him because of the kids. Now, she “sees” the terrible damage that both OM and she caused and is hurting every minute of the day because of OM’s betrayal of her. Betrayal is about the worst thing that you can do to a spouse.

Remember we said, “if they do it with you they will do it too you.” That expression is based on many years of experience. If OM, who has been cheated on and is a cheater himself, has no real appreciation of the pain that his affair with you has caused and no commit to marriage because he helped you break your vow, what makes you believe that he will be faithful to you? I know, I know, he is the “love of your life” and he would never do that to you. Just look around on MB and you will see just like Nursedg4 did that “if they do it with you they will do it to you.” The reason is simple – they have no respect for marriage. They have no firm beliefs. Their belief system is very poorly developed and when a new skirt comes along…watch out! There will always be prettier, more attractive, sexier women than you. Had you met a real man at work and developed and emotional connection, the real man would have said, “ I am sorry but I love my wife and kids and I can not be more than friends.” See OM’s are only interested in short-term pleasure. Oh, I know, I know, he would never do that to you.

Beau

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^^^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

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~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ~

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my turn ... ^^bump^^

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> my turn ... ^^bump^^ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In your case I was hoping a cracking whip sound. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

only if she continues to linger in the fog!

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She is a smart woman and shows alot of courage to come here and expose her feels. I hope the fogbank begins to breakup soon.

Beau

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~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ~

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As the wife of a reservist that has been overseas for the last 7 months, this thread makes me absolutely sick. I am going to go hurl now.

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AnnieK:

Agreed. That's why *I* haven't been back in a while. I remarked 2 her original statement that "we didn't make it through his deployment" that, NO, it wasn't "we". SHE didn't make it. He appears 2 have. Then she repeated the we remark.

I do acknowledge her willingness 2 come back and post for feedback, but I still 2uestion her motives.

2 answer her 2uestion, the subject of this thread:

2: "Trying 2 save marriage always right?"
A: Yes. Trying 2 save anything worthwhile like the bond of marriage is always right. SAVING may not be always the right thing 2 do, but trying always is. Because, no matter what she does, she needs 2 get rid of this baggage she's accumulated.

2 answer another implied 2uestion, paraphrasing the subject of this thread:

2: Trying 2 build a fu2re with an OP EVER right, once an A has started?
A: No. Never. End of discussion.

-ol' 2long

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~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ~

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S.H.

Just checking to see if you are alright.

Beau

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