I was wondering why there is such an intense emotional reaction in the first stages of withdrawal by WS. My WW was literally bed-ridden for two days after her break-up with the OM. From all that I've seen here, this is a pretty normal response. I was seeing someone when my WW came to me about reconciling, and even though it was hard to let her go I did so fairly easily even though I didn't have much hope or desire to work on things with my W.

I was just thinking back about the break-ups I have had with women when I was younger. It was always hard and took some time to get over, but it never got any where near the emotional turmoil that occurs so many times when people split with there A partner for whatever reason. It seems like it should be harder when you are younger to split with someone since you haven't experienced as many of life's lessons yet but that isn't the case.

You have to remember that Dr Harley equates an affair with an addiction. He should know since he ran a number of drug rehab clinics some years ago, and his observations with regards to the withdrawls that addicts go through and WS's go through are very strikingly similar in nature. The neuro-cocktail that develops inside a WS's head during the affair is pretty potent, and when there is no more of it, the WS goes through some very bad withdrawl symptoms. Does this help in answering your question?

Starman, I agree with TMCM. When you're a teenager or even a young adult and you 'break up' with someone, it's disappointing and on occasion depressing. But with withdrawl comes a really really REALLY heavy dose of reality. It's sobering, sickening, and overwhelming.

It is very much like a drug addiction isn't it? That's what I'm wondering though, WHY does it get that way? Is it not so much that the OP was sooo wonderful but the heavy dose of reality like h4f said that makes it seem like they can't live without the OP?

Why does the drug addict crave the drug when going through withdrawl? Because the drug makes him/her feel good? NO, it's because the drug takes away their pain. Now let's translate that with a WS going through withdrawl, and ask why does the WS crave the OP when going through withdrawl? Because the OP takes away the pain of knowing the damage the WS caused to others and to him/herself. Almost no one wants to realize that he or she has committed a horrible thing against loved ones, because it is an almost unbearable thing to endure.

That's a great answer and makes perfect sense. I think it would really help people to look at it that way. Sometimes all you can see is how much the WS misses the OP and it's very hard to deal with. Knowing the reasons WHY makes it a lot easier to handle.

There's some great answers here, starman!

One more thing: I think that the imma2re kind of infa2ations that we all felt when we were young and thought were "real" at the time are similar 2 an "older person" having an A - they're trying 2 relive the magic of those early loves. Only 2 do it, they have 2 compromise so much in the process: their integrity, honesty, the quality of their primary R... the list could go on - the PAIN.

One of our few-time posters, The Man I Am, whom I know from another board, describes "romantic love" as "chemical love," 2 describe the endorphines or whatever na2ral chemical stimulants the brain soaks itself with when we're "in love." And most of us "abuse" substances like that 2 numb pain, like 2MCM describes.

I've even heard that joggers can become addicted 2 jogging, because the brain produces endorphines as a response 2 the jarring caused while jogging, versus sprinting or walking...

-ol' 2long
"Every Phys-Ed major knows why there's air!" - Bill Cosby.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

"there's air to blow up volleyballs and basketballs. whaddyamean, 'why is there air?'."

*sorry. i couldn't resist. i have few possessions that would make me sad if i lost them. among them are my cosby records.*

whippit:

"I need a car that can go 200 mph so I can get 2 work!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-2long

Starman,

I agree with the others, but want to put emphasis on the "addiction to the feelings" regardless of where they come from.

My FWH's withdrawal from his PA was difficult, but not as difficult at his recent withdrawal from his EA. His feelings almost of euphoria that he benefitted from his fantasy relationship.

Same feelings my BIL gets as a result of his gambling addiction.

It's their feelings they become addicted to; what the OP brings out in them & how they see themselves in the OP's eyes.

That's why many say affairs are so selfish. It's all about WS; less about the OP and even less about the BS. Took me a long time to really get this. CSue

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

I was wondering why there is such an intense emotional reaction in the first stages of withdrawal by WS. My WW was literally bed-ridden for two days after her break-up with the OM. From all that I've seen here, this is a pretty normal response. I was seeing someone when my WW came to me about reconciling,

Well, I for one do not totally buy into the "withdrawal" because it is like an addiction theory. I believe it has more to do with the BS taking the WS back too soon and not allowing them to go through the PAIN of withdrawal from YOU and the "crisis" they may need to be in to be motivated to make changes.

Why have posters such as Hopeful Person, and Jen Brown, and Diamond Girl and many others who have been the WS posting on this site never seem to have gone through a "withdrawal" of the OP?

Just coincidence? Or is it possibly because the BS in their cases "let go" of these people and let them wonder if maybe they had lost them for good? (maybe that's why your WS wanted to come back when she sensed you were interested in someone else)

For example.. Here is a post from Diamond Girls FIRST thread, which is just about one month ago....

quote:

Do I sound lost or what? As far as my OM goes, again, no guilt whatsoever and I love being with him. I associate nothing but good feelings when I think of him. There's no fog here. Just enjoying my self for the first time in a long time! Why does this feel ok to me when I know it shouldn't?

A week or two later, she discovered her BS was interested in an ex.... Go check her threads now and see if you see any signs of "WITHDRAWAL" from the man she associates such good feelings with....

Argue all you want about withdrawal, but my studies of why and when they come back have more to do with how the BS handles the situation, than in believing this theory about addiction....

What it really boils down to is that they have NOT LEARNED how to be happy with themselves... They are searching for happiness in people or things, instead of within... And until they reach that conclusion, as well as each one of us, then we will always be in pain about one thing or another.....and will be constantly searching to find something to end the pain.... so if that is an addiction, then maybe it is an addiction to the PAIN....

Keepmvn4wrd

I beg to differ with your post because you seem to treat all affairs as being the same and they are definitely not. Affairs can range from ONS where almost no emotional attachment is involved (Jen Brown) to Soul Mates where intense emotional attachment is involved (Nursedg4). With the former one, the WS does not want to end his/her marriage despite their short lived PA, and thus is not addicted to the OP. But it is the latter one that has the WS acting like drug addict, and thus the hardest one to end before the marriage does. It is also are where a great number of exit affairs are found (ALostSoul's, goodguy's and rookie's stbxw's), and with these it doesn't matter what the BS does or doesn't do, the WS is gone whether the affair ends or not. The approach of the BS immediately letting go of the WS probably does work on the ONS types and those affairs that fall very close to it, but has mixed results with the Soul Mate types and those closest to it as well.

As one who's 'been there', i can confirm that the attachment to the OP is very very much like an addiction..even after the 'fog lifted' and i KNEW the A wasn't right and wasn't going anywhere, even after my OM had proven to me that he wasn't near the man my H was, it was still soooo very hard to let go. After a while, and after examining my feelings over and over again, i came to realize that it wasn't the OM i was so addicted to after all..it was simply the feeling he brought into my life, basically the same feeling i got from my H in the beginning of our relationship.

not to put blame on my H for my choices, but i also came to see that although problems in our marriage most likely drew me to the A..it was the addiction of the 'new love' that kept me there, even after my H began to turn around the behaviors that gave our marriage problems...after a while it had nothing to do with H, nothing to do with how great my 'real' life was...it was all about that rush that the OM brought to me..

i think that's why 'plan B' works so well, it pretty much 'waits out' the rush of feeling and when the WS comes down to earth, they realize that the love they have built on for however many years is the 'true' love..

jmho

As one who's 'been there', i can confirm that the attachment to the OP is very very much like an addiction..even after the 'fog lifted' and i KNEW the A wasn't right and wasn't going anywhere, even after my OM had proven to me that he wasn't near the man my H was, it was still soooo very hard to let go. After a while, and after examining my feelings over and over again, i came to realize that it wasn't the OM i was so addicted to after all..it was simply the feeling he brought into my life, basically the same feeling i got from my H in the beginning of our relationship.

not to put blame on my H for my choices, but i also came to see that although problems in our marriage most likely drew me to the A..it was the addiction of the 'new love' that kept me there, even after my H began to turn around the behaviors that gave our marriage problems...after a while it had nothing to do with H, nothing to do with how great my 'real' life was...it was all about that rush that the OM brought to me..

i think that's why 'plan B' works so well, it pretty much 'waits out' the rush of feeling and when the WS comes down to earth, if they truly loved their spouse to begin with, they realize that the love they have built on for however many years is the 'true' love..

jmho

There's a lot of good stuff here. I can see now that it was a combination of things that made the attraction to the OM so strong for my WW. That feeling of "new love" all by itself just wasn't cutting it with me for being the reason she was willing to destroy her family and then to be so overcome with emotion after there break-up. But add to that the escape from the reality that being with the OM afforded her and it starts to make more sense.

Another big reason (maybe the BIGGEST) for the attraction was the way he made her feel about herself. She has always had low self-esteem and for reasons I'm still trying to figure out (to see how I may have contributed to those feelings), would feel like she wasn't good enough for me so she went and found someone who she felt was more on her "level". Several times she told me during her A that she "made him a better man" by being with him. Of course everytime she said that I would think, "How could you make him BETTER, you're JUST LIKE HIM!". Anyway, that was obviously something that made her feel good about herself.

It really does boil down to self-centeredness doesn't it? All the things the WS FEEL become the most important things in their lives. Nothing else matters but keeping those good emotions coming. So even when the OP starts treating them like **** they keep it up. Anything to get a little more of that fix. Is that about right?