With Cerri's permission to break Plan B, I sent my H the following email:

"Thank you for your kind forwarding of the FRIENDS' NAME email. I’d really love to hear from you when your affair is clearly over. While I don't see Ms. X around, I cannot assume you are not in touch with her, or that her absence is more than temporary. I was not trying to challenge you with arbitrary lines-in-the-sand when I outlined conditions for contact two months ago -- I was merely trying to protect myself from further harm. Let me know when it's safe to go back into the water again."

I had a sentence in that each contact was setting my recovery back, and keeping me from moving on, etc. Cerri convinced me to nix it -- as she said, he probably doesn't give a monkey's about my recovery at this point.

Can't tell you what a relief it was to clarify things -- if his contact is testing limits, I've explained that he is harming me; if he is trying to let me know the A is over, he will have to be more overt. This email has taken me out of the mind-reading game -- and that is a relief.

I learned today from a friend that the idea that the A is over is unlikely, however: He has talked to my H who says that OW will be back for holidays, after three month absence. This may or may not be true. She is not a well-joined-up person, and her plans are likely to go back and forth, anyway.

Nevertheless, this news is not a surprise, but it is a downer. I had hoped that her exit was permanent. While things between the H & OW don't look good, it looks like we are due for a few more scenes.

Advice welcome.

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Well, I've thought about it a few hours, and the idea of OW being back will be a REAL downer.

I know y'all will tell me that I have to let this unspin...I know, I know.

But should I really be in Plan B right now? It's been so quiet, except for the few weird moments he's contacted me unnecessarily...

But a few weeks ago, OW's D told a mutual friend that she didn't know what her mother was doing. Now I hear she'll be back. OW could be lying to H, or her plans may have changed... The frantic retrieval of furniture might have been a different chapter in the story...

I just want her gone, gone, gone -- Plan B for two months doesn't seem to be working, at least as far as H is concerned, it doesn't seem to be having any effect at all. He's too dense. And too dense to file. If he'd filed when he moved out, he could be married to Crazy OW by now. But he'll neither fish nor cut bait. If he knows OW is coming back, why do I even have to send him an NC email?

Does Plan B ever have the intended effect on the WP -- at least more than occasionally? It's whetting my appetite to have him file. But even if he does, I'd rather have OW out of the picture. She's odious.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Plan B is very quiet. I've been in it for 6 weeks and it is very peaceful. Finally I'm off the rollercoaster and getting on with my life. H and OW are now living together happily. I'm hoping that A will end, but not counting on it. They are having financial problems (I can access his bank account on line - several bounced checks, lots of transferring money back and forth between 3 accounts and total balance $27.00). I think we have to trust that Plan B will work in our recovery, with or without them. Hang in there and don't give up.

But should I really be in Plan B right now? It's been so quiet, except for the few weird moments he's contacted me unnecessarily...

Miss martin..please know that is not a challenge but a real question for you...

If not Plan b...what would you want to be "in" with him...

what is the realistic way that the scenarios play out...
what is the fantasy ways that the secenarios play out...

if he replies it should be interesting...
can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to watch someone make such choices and decisions that create such chaos and pain and learning little to nothing from it...except how it is not their own "fault"...

the blinders one needs and must maintain must be exhausting...
and the fact that no matter where he goes to hide...there HE is...

I think clarifying was a good idea...Men (ooops I mean people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) can be dense at times...

ARK

Ark, My guess is that there was a window of opportunity to make a difference. I think she didn't have plans to come back until recently -- my best guess. If I'd been pro-active Plan A, the winds might have changed. But maybe not.

Leaving for three months at the beginning of a relationship is bad news, despite the PR excuse being handed out, and I have no doubt this buggy is rolling downhill, but on a longer curve than I can deal with.

I never sent the PBL to OW. My reasoning: since she was rumored to be unhappy and about to leave, it seemed unnecessary to stir the pot -- I figured it might even stir a territorial urge and convince her to stay. Moreover, I had hoped that H didn't show it to her -- a wedge between them, then.

It's been two months -- I tend to think I've missed my timing. If she's wavering on return -- and I hope she is -- it might convince her to come back and fight, which would be bad. My guess is that she would be outraged H didn't show it to her (if he didn't).

Oh well, I'm pulling at straws.

I suppose H's little email(s) was an attempt to show friendly -- no hard feelings. (Rather like the murderer going to the bereaved family and saying: "I bear you no malice.") He's not used to clear boundaries, people refusing offers of friendship, and I suspect my email caught him offguard. I reminded him I'm a wife, not a pal. No one says no to him.

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

AM,
If he had wanted you to break Plan B while OW was gone...my thought is he would have been far more overt in contacting you.

I doubt you would have gained anything by a pro-active Plan A during this time, except perhaps that you'd have been more hurt. Wasn't he gone for most/some of this time?

I think you saved yourself a roller coaster ride, rather than missed a window of opportunity.

Thanks, Lor. You are probably right. However, H is very afraid of rebuff (which, in fact, he got), so he would be unlikely to make more of a gesture.

A.M.Martin,

R U coming w/ your freind & your D to chill out at Metreon ?

-hxk-

A.M., I think there are lots of ways to drive yourself crazy, and second-guessing someone who's in the fog has got to be in the top ten!

So.... I have to ask. Do you feel crazy yet? And if so, I'd recommend not contacting your husband. (Oh, wait, I would've recommended that either way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

No matter how accurate your suppositions about what might have happened if you'd done things differently (and honestly, I suspect the roller coaster answer is correct), you're better off where you are now. For all that you're still spending a lot of time thinking about all this, you sound a good bit less stressed than you have in the recent past.

So... just stay dark. Go to the Metreon (whatever that is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and have fun. And can you get out of town for a while? You keep talking about what a small community you're in; can you get away from it for a week during Thanksgiving or sometime soon? I just have this sense that it might really be nice for you.

Went out for the evening. H was there. Went to big party afterwards. H was there too.

I was a good girl. Avoided him. He seemed miserable, and lonely. To me, anyway.

Finally made eye contact at the end of the evening. Maybe it's my imagination, I felt like he is trying to tell me something. I just feel he is miserable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> Went out for the evening. H was there. Went to big party afterwards. H was there too.

I was a good girl. Avoided him. He seemed miserable, and lonely. To me, anyway.

Finally made eye contact at the end of the evening. Maybe it's my imagination, I felt like he is trying to tell me something. I just feel he is miserable. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm when I see you this morning I would give you 2x4 ... eh, bigger one 2x6 !.

"He seemed miserable, and lonely"
"I felt like he is trying to tell me something"
"I just feel he is miserable"

What brand of sake you are drinking ?. You try to find something (bread crumb of love) that wasn't there ... Even it is exist he has to make the move, not you.

Do you notice that you use H instead of WH for him ?.

I know I am beating you up on this but you have one good excuse. You still have contact !. Yes you don't have contact verbally but both of you have contact non-verbally.

Plan A with your guts out or plan B in a pitch dark (not even listeing or seeking any gossip about WS), there is nothing in between. You just looking to get hurt over and over again.

-rh-

AMM:

"Oh well, I'm pulling at straws."

Um... ....WHY???

Get out of the drama, that's what ol' 2long believes is the primary purpose of plan B, though as you know, I've never done it.

Plan Aing, while LIVING with the drama in one's face is hard enough, which is why the Harleys recommend giving it 6 months before going 2 plan B. Then, send the PBL and go dark 2 the WS. And while you're at it, drop the drama. Stop 2nd guessing what your WH is doing. Who cares? Let him figure him out. The OW is a nutball? Even LESS important 2 YOU.

I'm going 2 recommend 2 you the same thing I recommended 2 Mortarman. A li'l ol' 2long experiment. Post away, but post NOTHING about your assumptions or updates of what your WH is doing. Tell us about A.M.M. How is SHE doing recovering HERSELF? Let's hear about what you've learned about YOU. I bet you're a fascinating person (I KNOW you are). Much more intriguing as an MBer with a good head on her shoulders than as a 2nd-hand reporter of what some confused WH or putatively bonkers OW may be doing (I'm pic2ring fish flopping around on a boat deck on a hot, sunny day).

How's A.M.M?

-ol' 2long

Well, okay. As we discussed at Metreon, Redhat & al., I did drop a one-line note off with his mail this a.m. Made me feel better, if he's making the best effort he can. On the way home, my friend came up with a line that was brilliantly supportive and noncommital. It may not be good Plan B, but if Plan B is about helping me disconnect -- well, it helped me disconnect, and my conscience feels clear this a.m.

2long, actually I feel pretty good. My life is fun, and I'm doing interesting stuff. My stepsons are coming over for dinner tonight, and we'll have a nice fire in the fireplace. I don't think my life has ever been better -- except for money worries.

As we discussed at Metreon, in a one-gas-station size community like this one, "going dark" may not be possible. H -- or WH, if you prefer, Redhat! -- has to drive by my house to go anywhere. I'm on the main drag. Everybody knows when I'm home and who's at my house. I don't wish to be stampeded out of town -- and can't be while my daughter is in school, anyway.

I do feel bad for him, but there's nothing I can do. He talks to no one; no one knows how he is -- but I'll lay off it, 2long.

Two questions:

1. What did the note say?

2. What else are you up to these days?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, J, it basically just said that I could see he was making an effort the other night, and it was appreciated. Didn't even say what the effort was. So it was real, real short.

I figured, if he really was trying to communicate -- and knowing he often said that these kinds of remote signals are the very best he could do -- I felt uncomfortable completely cold-shouldering him in public when he might be trying and feeling rebuffed. But he could basically think anything he wants of it -- he can think it's some other kind of effort if he wants.

The note was paperclipped to some of his mail which arrived at my house.

Mostly, J, I am working -- I am one of those people who like my work, so it's fun. Moreover, I'm free-lance, and need to do lots more of it if I'm going to support this showboat alone. I've developed a passion for the late 16th century. Lots of social events and meeting with people -- where, alas, I am also likely to see H...whoops, WH.

Might be coming down with cold from Bay Area this weekend -- woozy, and kids are here. Fire in the fireplace.

Dishes done, and 2 kids just went out.

To continue your thoughts from yesterday, Orchid, I don't honestly think this guy will ever be able to meet me even a quarter of the way. And a quarter of the way just won't cut it. There will be more of these helpless gestures, the increasing panic of a man who wants desperately to be rescued from the situation he has created from his own self-indulgence. But I can't rescue him without his help.

That said, he might be trying as hard as he can, in his own way. Plan B notwithstanding, I'd like to be kind and acknowledge him, in a small way such as this one -- even though I know that this car will never have enough steam to take us anywhere again.

I think he's deteriorated, and whatever moral force he once had he lost. He's going to wait for it to be easy, and it will never be that, so it just won't be. I really know this -- so I don't think there's any danger of me falling into his arms.

Sad, but that's the way it is. Even though the weakness in this particular Plan B can still jerk my chain, and remind me of how much I have loved him, I won't go running back, don't worry. Deep down, I know you can't make a dollar out of 96 cents. Let alone 43.

2long -- I know, I know. This is about him again. But honestly, I am fine. I'm beginning to realize that our reconstituted family can go on WITHOUT him. I like his kids, and I like having them here. His kids and my kids have really become siblings. That's important to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Sad, but that's the way it is. Even though the weakness in this particular Plan B can still jerk my chain, .... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You let it ... sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

-rh-

Received the following email from my beloved H this morning:


Dear W,

This is to let you know that I have retained X to take care of completing and filing the papers for our divorce, and he will be contacting you within the next few days. I have told him that we have agreed in principle to the division of what assets there are, so please let me know if you feel that there are any outstanding issues which would need to be resolved before the divorce can be finalized.

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get around to doing this, and I apologize for any inconvenience that it may have caused.

H.

AM
I'm so sorry that your H shows no sign of being the husband to you he should have been and is now taking action.

How do you feel?

You still have the option of making the D take as long as the law allows. It seems the lawyer wouldn't be aware that you & H haven't spoken for some time, and that there has been no real agreement, in principle or otherwise, about division of assets.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My prayers are with you.