Good morning all. I’m starting a new thread here to specifically address a new feeling of hopelessness (or maybe just to rant a little… I haven’t decided yet). As anyone who has read any of my previous posts can attest, I love my wife more than anything on earth. Even through her affair, I’ve always felt that I could put that aside and we could recover and build a happy healthy, and passionate marriage. However, I’ve recently found out some rather disturbing information from an ex-friend of my WW concerning her recreational activities during our marriage.

First off, let me explain the relationship to the friend. I’ve known this woman for as long as I’ve known my WW. They are the same age (26) and worked together when I met my WW. For the following 4 years, the friend became a pretty close friend of the family. My kids loved her and vice versa. She would bring her boyfriends over for us to meet, she would watch the kids for us when we needed a night out, she would tag along when we would go a look at our house during construction. All in all, she was a close friend of the family. Along with that, her and my WW would go out on the town occasionally. The friendship came to an abrupt halt about a year ago and the details my wife provided were a little sketchy, but since I had no reason to be suspicious I just let it go.

The friendship basically dissolved due to a fight about some specific details of a couple of events. The fight itself took place via email and voice mail. Surprise, surprise… all the emails got deleted before I had a chance to read them. Part of what I did pick up on was an allegation of a one night stand by my wife and a male friend of the family friend. My wife was adamant that nothing happened and the friend (we’ll call her Jane) was just being vindictive and trying to cause problems in the marriage. Again, I had no reason to not trust my W, so I let it go.

Well, since the current affair and circumstances have unfolded, I’ve found myself more and more suspicious of those events between WW and Jane that led to their falling out. I contacted the friend and met her for drinks last week. She said she was surprised to hear from me but knew instantly why I was calling. She proceeded to fill me in that my wife had a ONS with Jane’s friend and personal trainer one night after WW and Jane went out. They had run into the trainer while out and all went back to Jane’s mom’s house (Jane was living with her mom at this time due to a break up that left her homeless) to talk a little. Since the trainer lived in another town, Jane told him he could sleep in the guest room. After a while of chatting, Jane said she was tired and was going to bed, WW and trainer could stay up and talk if they wanted. A while later, Jane’s mom was awaken to the sound of WW and trainer having sex in the guest room. When Jane confronted the two of the next day, they both said the EXACT same thing: “Nothing happened, we just talked about stuff.” According to Jane, it was word for word the same answer. Jane tolde me that her and her mom got in a huge fight over this, as Jane’s mom was adamant as to what she heard and Jane didn’t want to believe it. In addition, the trainer quit a week later. This was (according to Jane) the straw that broke the camels back and Jane decided to tell WW that she didn’t want to be friends with her any longer. A fight ensued and it was brought up that maybe WW should get checked for STD’s because you never know what the trainer might have. According to Jane, WW left a VERY long and threatening VM saying that if this ever got back to me, that WW didn’t know what would happen to Jane. Jane had better not mess with WW’s family or else!!! The VM was of such a threatening nature that Jane’s employer required Jane to take down a statement and archieved the message for their records. Jane was very apologetic for not telling me a year ago, but was very much in fear of my WW at that point.

Among the other things that Jane told me was that WW was always hitting on guys to get them to buy her drinks, she was always wanting to go to “after bar” parties, she was into recreational drug use (smoking pot), and was smoking cigarettes regularly behind my back. Even things like discipline of our kids was night and day from when I was around to when I wasn’t. WW and I both agreed that drugs had absolutely no place in our lives when we had our kids. She was a recreational user in high school and basically cut it back to just pot in college. I’ve never done drugs of any kind. But, we did agree that since we had kids, that it had no place in our lives. She agreed and seemed very adamant about it. It appeared to me that she had grown out of her partying days. Smoking of cigarettes isn’t that big of a deal to me, but it really bothers me that she was doing it behind my back. It does, and would have then, that she was hitting on guys and allowing them to buy her drinks. And she always claimed that Jane was dragging her to parties and that the people where friends of Jane’s. When in reality, my WW would go out and find some guys that she could cozy up to in order to get drinks and then go to their place for an after bar party and smoke pot and hang out till all hours of the evening.

Here is my issue. I have felt like this current affair was something we could get past and recover from. But, that was when I held the opinion that my REAL wife wouldn’t ever do this, the woman I married was not this way. As it turns out, I have no idea who I married. I’ve held that this would be much easier to deal with if it was a fluke, if they just fell for each other by accident rather than this just being part of her behavior.

Some how it makes all the difference in the world that she has done this before. Combine that with all the other lies, and I don’t possibly see how I can ever trust her again. How can this possibly work out at this point? The drug use is a MAJOR deal breaker for me as well. It just seems that she is still stuck in this young adult, party phase of life where she just does whatever makes her feel good regardless of what it does to anyone around her. Even if she did want to come home, how and the hell do we recover this when I don’t even feel like I know the real woman I’m married to?

My 2 year old told me yesterday that he didn’t want mommy to be part of our family anymore. He was adamant that “No! She can’t! I don’t want Mommy in our family anymore.” Shaking his head the whole time. He also told me that mommy sits and cries in her apartment all the time. My 4 year old heard this and came running from across the house screaming that “No she doesn’t!!! Mommy doesn’t cry… no she doesn’t!!!” I didn’t quit know what to make of this. I don’t even know if it matters anymore. I don’t know if I even want her back.

Has anyone else gone through this sort of twist of events? Has anybody else learned during an affair that this isn’t the first time and that the whole marriage has been a pack of lies? I don’t know what was real and what was a lie. I’m very confussed right now. Somebody please tell me why on earth I would want to have this woman back? Anyone…anyone….???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Somebody please tell me why on earth I would want to have this woman back? Anyone…anyone….???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are blinded by your love for her and desperately want to have a happy, healthy, loving home for you and your family. All admirable and understandable.

As I've told you before, your W is sick. She needs some professional help and has alot of healing and growing up to do.

Until that happens, chances of fog-lifting, recovery, etc.. are pretty minimal.

The best thing for you to do is work on making yourself happy...without her. If/when she decides she wants to work on the marriage, then you have a choice.

Yeah, my situation is pretty similiar. I found out that my wife had...let me...Damien, Kelvin, Bruce, and the current one, Randy, four PAs. I had thought that I was her one and only (we met in high school and I was her first).

All the time I ask myself, "why would you even want her back?". The fact remains, we have two beautiful children, 4 and 8 and I love her. I try to convince myself that I don't and that the family would be better off without her. At times, it works. At times, I could convince myself that I don't love her. But at night, I know better.

She has moved out (July 30 of this year) and I am battling anger. She is having an affair with a fool named Randy and pretends that she has moved out because we don't get along. Every night she is sleeping with another man (when the kids are not over there). That is hard. But all in all, she is my wife. I love her, just as you love your wife. They are ours, a part of us. We can't hate them anymore than we can hate ourselves. I know it's hard.

did your wife say mean things to you when she was in her affair? I think I am going to start a thread about all the cruel things that was said to them by their WS. I know, I KNOW I must have heard some of the most cruelest things ever.

Salon-

You said a lot of things that kind of resenate with me. My wife is sleeping with the nieghbor two doors down from us. She was there last night. At mid-night I got up to see if her car was still over there... it was. I had to drop the kids off at her place and couldn't help but notice the freshly scraped windows. She must have gotten home about 20 min. before we got there.

Stuff like that really makes me wonder... why am I even putting myself through this? Is this even right for the kids? How can it be healthy for them to have this woman in their lives? I try to convince myself that I'd be better off without her... but like you, I lay in bed and realize that she is all i want. She is MY wife and I want her back. I just have serious doubts if it even possible to have what we... or at least what I thought we had... again.

My wife has said some of the meanest thing I've ever heard. Once, when she was still living at home, i went to OM's house at 4:00 a.m. and knocked on the door once... then opened it. He bolted up the stairs while she just stood there and chastised me for being such an embarrasment. He got to the top of the stairs and just watched her yelling at me. i couldn't believe it. Looking back, it makes me so mad that I sometimes wish i would have just thrown her out that night. There have been numerous incidents such as that. When i look back... I find myself think often that i should have just tossed her out and said "...screw this... if this is what you want, FINE!!!" But I didn't, and here I am wonder why I'm putting up with all this.

I went to other man's house too! But for me, I had did research on him and told her that I knew where he lived. She didn't believe me.

We had just left a family function and we had the kids with us. I told her that I would show her that I knew. I drove to his house. We stopped and she tried to act like that wasn't his house. I told her I knew it was and she really didn't need to lie. She then said, well...and got out of the car and went to his door. He lives with his mom so she opened the door and said, "Hey, Rhonda". She then went into this man's house with me and the children in the car! I was furious. I went to the door and and rang the door bell, knocked and she came out looking at me like I had done something wrong. That really hurt.

But I believe that one of the cruelest things she said to me was that (in a calm voice mind you) that she does not love me and that she will never love me. She said if she stays in this relationship she will only end up cheating on me...again.
That hurt like I don't know what.

But, from what I read on this board, those type of things are typical and once they snap out of it, they regret ever having said it.

Like you, I go back and forth, "should I put up with this, should I not". Sometimes, (being honest) I think that it may be an ego thing and that I just want her back because she is mine and it kills me to know another man is having sex with her. But then again, after all she has put me through, I don't think egos are that big. I think love has more to do with it than anything else.

It is really hard. Really hard. And believe me, I know the pain you are going through.

Solon-

That was just one of the times I went to this guys house. When i confronted him (plan A expose and confront) I had my two little boys in tow. They are 4 and 2-1/2. I told him that i knew what was going on with him and my wife and wanted it to stop. He had the nerve to tell me that i was my own worst nightmare and that she was trying to get away from me because of stuff like this. Then he had the gaull to tell me that the kids would always have their mother... he said it in a manner that it would somehow be just as good as us being a family. I couldn't believe him... if it weren't for my boys, I'd be sitting in prison somewhere awaiting a murder trial...I'm certain of that.

Another time, I video taped him dropping her off at her car at 6:00 am at the Wal-Mart parking lot. She was supposed to be out with some friends and was supposed to be home earlier that night. I awoke at 4:30 with no wife and a hunch that she was with him. When i caught them, she didn't say much, just shoved the video camera in my face. He, however, cussed at me for about 6 or 7 minutes (calling me every name in the book, telling me to get a clue, she didn't love me anymore, that she was trying to get away from me), again I have to thank my kids for keeping me out of jail!!! Of course, I'm really not a violent person... at the time I was quite calm, but looking back it makes me furious.

Wow! Yeah, I would be locked up if her boyfriend cursed at me. He called me at my job and told me that he would not back away because she needs him because of the way I had treated in her the past. After arguing with him on the phone about how insane that was I told him its her decision, but not my children's decision. I told him that if they EVER come to me and tell me that they saw as much as the back of his head I'm coming after him. That was in February. They haven't seem him since.

Unfortunately, it seems as though the men our wives are involved with are not respectable at all, which probably means they won't back away unless they get straight fed up with our wives...or, of course, our wives snap out of it and come home themselves. But the men will probably try and talk them out of it.

Wow! Yeah, I would be locked up if her boyfriend cursed at me. He called me at my job and told me that he would not back away because she needs him because of the way I had treated in her the past. After arguing with him on the phone about how insane that was I told him its her decision, but not my children's decision. I told him that if they EVER come to me and tell me that they saw as much as the back of his head I'm coming after him. That was in February. They haven't seem him since.

Unfortunately, it seems as though the men our wives are involved with are not respectable at all, which probably means they won't back away unless they get straight fed up with our wives...or, of course, our wives snap out of it and come home themselves. But the men will probably try and talk them out of it.

Well the guy I'm dealing with lives two doors down from me. I think he is pretty much scared of the nieghborhood at this point. I've told everyone what is going on. He hides in his house and anytime he sees someone while outside, he ducks back into his garage...coward. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to be a thorn in his side for as long as he is living in my nieghborhood. If he so much as takes half a step out of line, I'll call the cops. If he so much as shoots me a dirty look, I'll stand in front of his house with a bullhorn screaming at the top of my lungs that he is [censored]'n my wife... you get the idea. I don't like to be that kind of nieghbor... and I'm not to anybody else... but I just decided that I don't like this guy and if i feel like being that way, I can! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is the idea that i should just go about my business and "let them" have their affair. I feel like I should be actively doing something to stop it. I just want to follow them around and scream the whole sorted story out to anyone who will listen. I was thinking of posting no less than 1,000 flyers (we live in a pretty small town) around town with their pictures on it explaining the story. Then I got to thinking that I would put up a bunch of election type signs throughout our developement leading up to his house. The signs would have little "one line" comments about the caliber of person he is and what they are doing.

Patience is not really one of my strong suits. If you read my sig line, you will see that this has been going on since Labor Day weekend. I am getting damn tired of it. The one thing that I do have in my favor is that this guy's exwife cheated on him, so i don't see how he could EVER trust my wife. Also, he has stated many times (before this happened)that he doesn't like drama queens... My wife is the ULTIMATE DRAMA QUEEN!!! I think this will end soon, especially with the Christmas looming overhead.

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

Sorry fellas....I know this will sting....BUT, I would be gone. What you two are experiencing is NOT marriage....its not what god intended. Your vows were broken many, many times and regardless of the paper its printed on.......both marriages sound over to me. JMHO......so its up to yall to ignore it or not. God Bless you both......you two are much more understanding and patient than I would have been. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, i know it isn't how marriage is supposed to be. I'm hopeful (at times) that she will hit rock bottom and realize what she has and will want to come home and recover the marriage and family.

The problem comes in that right now, I don't know if i want her back. Sure it is what is best for the kids, and I do love her. But I don't know how we could ever have any kind of functional marriage after all of this. I'm trying to just sit back and get on with things, but I'm finding myself getting very angry at the situation.

Me too. At times I am enraged. I know I could literally kill someone when I'm at my peak in anger. I have to let it go, for my own good. But letting go...it is easier said than done. And you know what, part of me believes that because of the horrible things she does her conscious won't allow her to come back, even she wanted to. She figures that after all of what she put me through and said, how could I REALLY want her. I think she would be paranoid, thinking that I am only pretending to want her back to get back at her. Even though I will never do that I can see her thinking that.

I don't know. she is my wife, she is the mother of my children. What if she does change? How could I not take her back and at least try to make things whole again? I just don't know.

Hey Solon-

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your wife? Your kids?

Just curious.

"and the truth shall set you free"

coach

We are both 29. My son is 8 and my daughter is 4.
You know, I wonder...I have been going through this since Feb. of this year. There WAS a time I had won her back. Yeah, she told him that she loevs me and that she wanted to work on our marriage. But back and forth, back and forth, she could just not take it anymore and ended up devoting herself totally to him. I BET, I know I'm right, that in her mind she said, "I am going with him all the way, no looking back this time." That is why she is not thinking at all right now. My kids tell her that moms need to be home with their children, they ask her to come home and she looks them in the face and says, "I'll see you on Monday". She may be in the fog, but her mind is made up to be in the fog. Looking back, once she sent him that email and told him she was working on our marriage, hmmmm...I don't know what I could have done. I should have just been cool with that and treated her like none of this happened and we were the perfect couple. I should have attended more to her needs instead of questioning why she was not attending to my needs.

For you, I Want, I think there is hope. This is pretty fresh from what I understand. There still seems to be hope. Has your wife ever mentioned divorce to you? Has she told you things like she does not want to be with you...ever? How often does she see the kids? What about the OM? Does he see them too?

Well, yes it is relatively fresh in terms of me actually knowing what is going on. Remember, she seems to have had an affair a year ago as well. It was like the friday of Labor Day weekend, we were totally in love... commited... happy... eager to make things better. The next day, this guy expressed feelings for her and it has been a downward spiral since.

Yeah, she has expressed a want for divorce many, many times. She has told me really since Labor Day weekend, that she doesn't love me anymore and that she will NEVER be with me again. When i started to do the plan A stuff (exposing and confronting) she claimed that I was just too cruel and she could never be with someone like me. She claimed that MB has done more to destroy our marriage than anything else... HELLO!!! She is having an affair!!! She sees the kids about 50% of the time. I don't know if the OM ever sees my kids or not. He had better not be.

Wmwb and what was it you said to me about that ? Why does it matter.. I believe that was it .. umm yes , now that I think about it .. it was more with a 2x4 swing ..LOL plan B plan B

Solon - I'm sorry to hear about your situation, like WMWB my situation is the same as his .. and sounds like yours.. with a few different twist . WMWB back can vouch for.

Well, of course it doesn't matter at all... in terms of what she says...fog, fog, fog, ect...

I don't listen or even care what is coming out of her mouth these days, as far as I'm concerned... all I hear is: "...waun, waun wan waaa, whuuun whaa whaa." (meant to sound like every adult in the Charlie Brown TV specials <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )


...and hey pal, what the hell are you doing up at 1:30 in the morning anyway... get some frigg'n sleep already! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey Want,

How you holding out today? Anything new happen? What do you think of the guy that said our marriages are over?

I'm doing pretty good today. Nothing new, same old sh*t... just another day!!!

I don't know what to think about the folks who give advice like that. I've had quite a bit of folks beating up on my wife on the JFO board for the things that she has done, not really too productive if you ask me. I don't need people telling me it's over and how rotten things are with the marriage... i can figure that out on my own. I'm here for help and hope, not someone telling me to give up. I assume it is the same with you as well. Giving up would be easy, but it wouldn't make me feel any better... on the contrary, I'd feel worse and probably more than a little guilty for giving up so soon. At this point (and don't take this the wrong way... I love my wife and want this to work out more than anything) i don't think i really care all that much if she comes home or not. If she does... great!!! I will give it my 110% to make it work. But if she doesn't... oh well, life goes on and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Maybe that is a little cold sounding, but I've been hurting and trying to pull this out for every waking hour of the last 13 weeks. I'm tired, hurt, angry, getting bitter, tired of only getting kicked in the teeth for my efforts. It is out of my hands, I've done all that I can do, what will be will be. I'm ok with that at this point. It is kind of a peaceful feeling, ya know... and i usually need complete control to feel any peace.

How are you? Anything new with you? You can email me if you want, I check that inbox semi-frequently (a few times a day).

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>