Hi, I really need some help out there..... It has been 19 months since my d-day and I feel as though my world has totally turned upside down since then. To try to make this short, I discovered my H's a due to the outbreak of a STD. I have been an emotional basket case ever since. Although he and I have stayed together I feel as though I am slowly losing my mind. This A was not an EA only a PA, and was disolved months before I ever found out. We always had a good relationship so this totally caught me off guard, he said it was the excitement of it all that made him do it.

Getting back to me losing my mind, I have been to counseling a few times, tried AD's and the nine yards but I have not been the same since. I have never been one to gamble but I started a few months ago and he found out about it and we had a BIG fight and I swore I would never do it again but tonite, while he was out of town, I decided to go to the local casino and just have a little fun. I ended up losing money, locking my keys in my car, having to get a ride with a stranger home, then having to call a neighbor to bring me back to get my car. I am SOOOOOO embarrased about the whole thing I just want to die. To make matters worse I felt so bad that I called my H to confess everything and he ended up accusing me of having problems.

I do not think I am in denial, I think I am still trying to get even with him for bringing home a STD to me.

I guess my question is Am I in denial? Should I still be having all these awful feelings after all this time?

You see, I really do love him, but I hate him some times too. Is this normal?

You know what? It's been 19 months since our D-day, too. His affair was EA and PA that ended when I called OWH and OWH got truth from OW. OW called and left voice message for WH last week, so she certainly isn't over it. And, here I am, 19 months post D-day, typing into MB at 2 AM.

I don't think that there is a normal recovery process. For some, it is harder than for others. That STD, if it is permanent, will be a constant reminder of your H's affair. I have a four inch scar on my arm from when H broke my arm when we were arguing about her. Initially, I thought of it as the Sophia scar. Now I don't. Maybe you are attributing a weakness for gambling and locking your keys in the car to not being able to get over the A when it really has nothing to do with it.

I never did go on ADs -- decided that what I needed to do was face reality and not medicate it. I've done enough medicating with food -- gained 30 pounds in 2 years. Your gambling could be medication -- a temporary escape. It also may be your vengeful way to get back at him by having some "excitement" of your own, only you aren't willing to become deceitful like he was.

There can be all sorts of things going on. Counseling could help you sort things out. Maybe you need more than counseling "a few times." Counseling is helping me, now that I am calmed down enough to try to sort out the whys behind my reaction to the A. Marital recovery hasn't been going anywhere, but I am seeing some things about my H's defensiveness towards me and my willingness to attack him for the A that may be contributing to that.

Going gambling and locking your keys in the car are not high on my list of awful things for a person to do. Put it in perspective. Why are you feeling why you are? One thing I picked up from your post is your H saying "the excitement of it all made him do it." Has he ever taken responsibility for what he did, for not telling you the truth and having you find out in such an awful way? Has he taken precautions to prevent it from happening again? He doesn't sound REAL empathetic.

You can tell him, frankly, you do have problems. You have problems with trust, you have problems with how you feel towards him, and you want to put them on the table in counseling so that they can be resolved.

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 02:34 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>