Whenever I read about the BS insisting the WS write a No Contact letter or promise to never talk with the OP again, it makes me think of this Aesop fable about the Wind and the Sun.

FORCING someone to do anything against their will, does not work; it only works by gentle persuasion and a willing heart !
(He or she has to be committed to saving the marriage and believing that 'no contact' is the only way; again they have to BELIEVE this in their own heart and not be forced!)

With my WH I allowed him to call the OW in my presense twice a month for several months...Sometimes I even requested he do this!

I felt if I insisted he no longer speak with her, it would make him crave her and want her that much more. (Like a child when he is told he can't have a cookie; wants it that much more!)

And in time, he no longer had the NEED or the desire to hear from her; he let her go on with her life with her new man. (She was a single lady when they had the affair.)

Plus of course, the conversations lost their excitement and romance, with me, his wife, hearing what was being said!
And he PROMISED 'no contact' other than in my presense and I believed him!
Sincerely, Julie

The Sun and the Wind

Once long ago the Sun and the Wind made a bet. It happened on one summers day long long ago...and this is how it came about....

The Wind said boastfully "I am far stronger than you are."

The Sun just looked at the wind and said nothing.

So the Wind went on to say, "I am so much stronger than you are that look down at that traveler on the road. I bet I can make him take off his cloak before you can."

The Sun just kept looking and said nothing still.

So the Wind then said, "So I will go first as I know you will never be able to do that." So the Wind proceeded to blow and blow and blow. But all the traveler did was clutch his cloak tighter to himself. Finally the Wind was so tired he gave up, saying, "Well if I could not do it then surely you cannot...So there is not really any sense in you trying to remove his cloak."

The entire time this had been going on the Sun had decided to hide behind a cloud. So the sun then came out and began to beam. Very slowly it began to get warmer so much so that the traveler willingly & gratefully took off his cloak!

Moral:
Gentle persuasion is often more effective than strong force.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blessed TIME:
<strong>

FORCING someone to do anything against their will, does not work; it only works by gentle persuasion and a willing heart !
(He or she has to be committed to saving the marriage and believing that 'no contact' is the only way; again they have to BELIEVE this in their own heart and not be forced!)


</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, of course forcing someone to do something against their will does no good. If the NC letter is not sincere, it is worth little. However, it is essential at some point in the recovery process. When the WS does this, it is an indication that he/she is sincere about recovery and taking steps to protect the BS.

It is a necessary boundary that is essential for the BS to set. It is up to the BS to set clear boundaries about what is and what isn't acceptable, and a no contact letter is the often the first step in recovery. If the WS is unwilling to make such a demonstration, then the BS has to determine if that doesn't demonstrate a lack of sincerity on the part of the WS, and often it does. It is an indication that the WS isn't willing to end the affair. The letter is the LEAST a WS can do if the BS is willing to stay with him/her and that is why Harely insists upon it as a vital first step.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
With my WH I allowed him to call the OW in my presense twice a month for several months...Sometimes I even requested he do this!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you aren't proud of this destructive behavior. This is nothing more than irresponsible enabling behavior that probably prolonged the affair. No responsible professional would ever advocate this as it is simply an attempt to make the unacceptable acceptable. I assure you the Harley's would never condone it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blessed TIME:
[QB]

I felt if I insisted he no longer speak with her, it would make him crave her and want her that much more. (Like a child when he is told he can't have a cookie; wants it that much more!)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, it is the opposite. He probably craved it MORE because you allowed him to continue getting a "taste." Affairs are addictions and the addiction is often not arrested until ABSTINENCE takes place. Just having a little "taste" only makes the addict want it MORE, not LESS. Just ask any alcoholic or drug addict.

This is WHY the recovery does not even start until contact has completely ended. Like Harley says, until contact has ended, there can be no recovery. Then withdrawal takes place. Your H probably would have withdrawn much sooner had you not enabled his affair through continued contact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And in time, he no longer had the NEED or the desire to hear from her; he let her go on with her life with her new man. (She was a single lady when they had the affair.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which he would have done anyway when the affair ran its course. And probably a lot sooner had he been under ANY pressure at all to end the affair. He had no such pressure, though. You practically enabled him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
And he PROMISED 'no contact' other than in my presense and I believed him!
Sincerely, Julie</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Contact is contact, in your presence or not. And I suspect that he probably had contact outside of your hearing, too. Why you would believe his word that there was no other contact is mystifying and unbelievable.