I found out about WH A on Thanksgiving Day. EA for first 2 years then PA for 1 year (same OW). I don't understand how most people I read about on this site and in books such as Surviving an Affair and Torn Assunder still want to remain married. I can't reattach any emotions to my WH and can't even make a decision if I want to remain married. I have asked for a 3 month seperation to let my emotions settle and see where I am at. But I feel totally lost. Are we as Christians supposed to go on with marriage to an unfaithful person when the like, love, and desire is gone? Is anyone else feeling this way?

Once trust and vows have been broken.....the marriage is never the same. I have heard people say their marriage is stronger after an affair, but I dont see how personally. I would always have doubt in my mind if someone is truly faithful afterwards. I guess I felt like you do.

Teacher, first of all you are brand new to this relatively speaking. You looked long and hard to find the marrying type. One mistake doesn't make him a piece of crap. You have to decide how remorseful is he and how forgiving are you. Also consider that there are several contributing factors to an affair. Unmet needs, opportunity and poor judgement to name a few. And finally, though you will find this very hard to believe, this could just as easily have happened to you and it would be him who was trying to find forgiveness.

Walking

Teacher, not to be harsh but consider this Mexican saying; "to talk of bulls, is not the same thing as being in the bull ring". Your husband knows nothing of your pain, but you know nothing of his; before, during and after.

Walking,

What you say here is so very, very true. I just wish I could get my darling BW on this site to read it. It would help us, I'm sure.

Teacher: please, please, please listen to what Walking has to say here. It'll pay off for you in the end.

__JG

I do feel the same as you just a few months after DDay. H had two PA in the past twelve years that he finally admitted in September and October 2003.

I don't feel love for H or know what I want to do but am trying to allow myself time to figure it out. I talked to divorce attorney to find out cost, time to process, etc., and am putting the money aside in case that is my decision.

I am looking for job that will support me as a single person. I think that is to give myself a sense of control over the situation.

I definitely have been flip-flopping over the decision to stay or go. I think that is why I don't want to do anything yet -- until I know for sure.

I don't know if I can ever forgive and if that feeling doesn't go away, divorce is the answer. I still get the awful images of H having sex with OW. I still find myself questioning everything he says. I thought I was a good person, worthy of his love and faithfulness. He has turned me into someone I don't like much -- suspicious and insecure.

I am in the same boat, have read the same books and have the same doubts. If our spouses say they love us, why would they hurt us like that. Mine did it with someone from her past and who is approaching 60, sick, very low stature (and moral character), with several failed relationships and who would not be able to support her financially. We are in our early 40's, good health, athletic and I am a respected professional. I feel that I was not only betrayed, but insulted, exposed to who know what, and now she wants forgiveness. To top that of, she was lying about me to others behind my back and before I found out she was verbally abusive wanting me to leave the house because she did not love me. Now, she says it was because she wanted to get rid of me before I found out. I have been a Christian with high moral values and now I am struggling trying to make sense of it all. I cannot leave her because she does not work and we have small children who would be torn.

Why me & other betrayed spouses,

FWIW...and remember that this is coming from a WH...your spouse most likely didn't commit adultery to hurt you. In my case -- as it is with others in my shoes with whom I've spoken -- if we knew of the pain that we would inflict on our mates, there is no way we would have gone ahead and strayed from the marriage bed.

When I got caught up in my affair, my wife was essentially forgotten. It was all about me, the OW, and my unthinking selfishness and the selfishness of the OW. It was in no way about my wife and what emotional needs she may or may not have met in the time leading up to the affair.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that an affair isn't a slap at the BS. All that kind of crap comes later as we WS's try to justify our actions. But at the time of the affair, it's simply not about the spouse.

I hope that you can come to understand that.

HTH,

__JG

Javaguy, I am quite surprised at all the negative responses from BS's. This does give you some insight into your W's mindset. I'm not underestimating these peoples pain as I have been there. But my initial reaction was, "OK, we can fix this and I can forgive". Quite honestly that approach has gotten me nowhere and allowed a continuing EA that has been more hurtful than the initial confession. If this is your only indiscretion and you have been remorseful and adhered to no contact I would expect your situation to improve. You need to be patient. Just before I read your post I was thinking a drunk driver doesn't intend to hurt anyone but it doesn't lessen the pain of those hurt. I was comparing the two situations and you have confirmed this. If I thought anybody would purposely inflict this kind of pain on me I would be much more devastated. That thought is what keeps me on the straight and narrow while my W continues to vascilate. I think we could help eachother.

Walking

Walking,

I totally agree with you on this point. As the BS, I keep hearing from my WH that he never meant to hurt me. I believe him. When he strayed, he was thinking about his own desires, his own needs, which in turn hurt those he loved; however, he wasn't thinking about the consequences that went along with his actions. He never thought how it would affect everyone around him, how it would affect our M, our children, our whole entire family. Yes, this has caused quite a lot of mixed emotions from everyone around us, but I don't believe that the WS thinks about that as they are in the midst of their A. It's only afterwards that they look around & see all the destruction they've caused by their actions that they truly want to be forgiven. And I believe, as Christians, we need to pray, pray, PRAY, to be able to forgive them. After all, when we make mistakes, we are forgiven as long as we ask our Creator. I cannot stress enough to PRAY for the ability to forgive. This is an ongoing process and will take a while, but believe me, it will come in time.

I can agree that when the WS is in the affair and it is not known to th BS they are not doing it to hurt the BS, and that they aren't even thinking of the pain and suffering they cause.

But, once the A has been discovered, if the WS continues in it and/or leaves the BS to be with the OP, is that not a different story? By then they must know they are causing huge pain and suffering to the BS and the children. Right or wrong?

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

in the beginning, d-day, over 2 years ago, my husbands answer to why? was that it was his way of hurting me in the worse possible way. so i have dealt with the feelings of doing this intentially to hurt me. i also knew that was a load of bunk! his way of not making this about him and his responsibility. his affair was about him, not me. he hurt me on purpose, but i knew in my heart of hearts it wasnt true. it was just another way of him hiding from his own truth.

i stayed. i learned. i grew. i still dont know if we will make it but i am glad i am here. whatever the outcome i will have my head held high knowing i have done everything possible to save my family.

I suppose I have hijacked this thread but hopefully for the right reasons. I agree with the idea of forgiveness. It is a gift you give to yourself and no matter the outcome of your M you want to be able to look back as Nikko said and know that you have done everything possible to save your marriage. If I am honest with myself I know the shoe could have easily been on the other foot. And further I don't think my W could have handled this burden and our M might have ended. So in some ways I am the stronger person in being able to deal with this. I say that because I have hurt my W with gambling and other things through the years. So now she has a chance to see that I can forgive and love her inspite of her errors. One thing I learned about affairs is that the gain is not proportional to the loss. What a price to pay for what was intended to be a little fun. I suppose as a WS it takes a long time to be able to look at yourself in the mirror once the reality sets in.
And maybe that's why so many remain in the FOG for so long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by teacher42:
<strong> I have asked for a 3 month seperation to let my emotions settle and see where I am at. But I feel totally lost. Are we as Christians supposed to go on with marriage to an unfaithful person when the like, love, and desire is gone? Is anyone else feeling this way? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">teacher, many do feel that way, and you are well within your rights to end the marriage [from a Christian standpoint] if you choose. Adultery is so destructive that it was the one justification that Christ gave us to end a marriage.

Some come here feeling their marriage is salvagable, and often they ARE, if the adultery is an aberration of character rather than a WAY OF LIFE. When it is a way of life, the BS has to accept that they can't change a person's character and learn to live with it if they stay.

But, I will just tell you this, teacher, and I would hope you would just consider it. When I found out about my H's affair, I was disgusted and wanted out. JUST LIKE YOU. I told him to hit the road and made arrangements to sell the house and move. He asked me to give him another chance.

And I am here to tell you that it was the best decision I ever made. I not only got over my anger and disgust, but we have the most wonderful marriage I could ever imagine now. Had I not given it a chance, I would have missed out on all this.

Mine is NOT a unique story around here. Many do recover from adultery. You just have to decide if it is recoverable. And the question I would be asking myself if I were you is if this is a WAY OF LIFE with your spouse or is it an aberration of character that is not likely to happen again? If it is the former, you might be wise to move on down the road, if it the latter, you might have more to think about.

And let me leave you with this thought: you won't be angry forever, but divorce is forever.

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

teacher, a couple of afterthoughts. It might help you sort out your thoughts if you got some counseling from a Christian counseler and didn't make ANY decision about your marriage for several months.

And secondly, don't let ANYONE wrongly condemn you and make you feel guilty about possibly leaving the marriage. You will have nothing to feel guilty about if you choose to end the marriage.

P.S. so many good posts on this thread that I had to add another thought [so shoot me!] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

he WS may not intend to harm the BS, but that in no way EXCUSES their adultery and is really an irrelevent point. That doesn't mean that they DON'T KNOW that adultery is the cruelest betrayal one can commit against their spouse. Saying the WS didn't intend to hurt the spouse ignores the fact that they KNEW IT WOULD. AND DIDN'T CARE.

Nor is it a "mistake." It is a premeditated, conscious course of action. Putting on ill-matching socks is a "mistake," choosing to betray your spouse isn't.

MelodyLane...you said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he WS may not intend to harm the BS, but that in no way EXCUSES their adultery and is really an irrelevent point. That doesn't mean that they DON'T KNOW that adultery is the cruelest betrayal one can commit against their spouse. Saying the WS didn't intend to hurt the spouse ignores the fact that they KNEW IT WOULD. AND DIDN'T CARE.

Nor is it a "mistake." It is a premeditated, conscious course of action. Putting on ill-matching socks is a "mistake," choosing to betray your spouse isn't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FWIW -- and remember I'm speaking now as a everyday, run-of-the-mill FWH -- what you say 'taint necessarily so. I know it certainly wasn't in my case, and I'm sure that I'm pretty "normal" in this regard. I think other first timer's are the same, whether their affairs came earlier or later in their marriage.

Here's what I mean: my adultery came after almost 30 years of marriage -- so I wasn't real experienced in the matter. I had absolutly no concept of the pain that I was about to cause my wife. Absolutely no realistic idea of the consequences of my actions.

Secondly, my adultery wasn't anything like premeditated. I was able to stand firm in the face of my XOW's sexual advances quite well...right up until the time when she hit me with exactly the right words at exactly the right (weak) moment for me. And she did it via email!

Like I say...I think that other FWH's are going to pretty much be in the same boat as I. Well, perhaps I should caveat that as, "other FWH's who've had no more than a single affair."

I sure hope this helps,
__JG

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaguy:


Here's what I mean: my adultery came after almost 30 years of marriage -- so I wasn't real experienced in the matter. I had absolutly no concept of the pain that I was about to cause my wife. Absolutely no realistic idea of the consequences of my actions.

__JG [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JG, with all due respect, if a WS does not KNOW that adultery will hurt their spouse, they probably shouldn't be married in the first place. They probably shouldn't be walking around free either.

I don't believe that a rational, sane adult doesn't know this truth and I know, as a BS, I would not stay married to such a dangerous person. One doesn't have to be "experienced" at cruelty to know it's profoundly cruel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Secondly, my adultery wasn't anything like premeditated. I was able to stand firm in the face of my XOW's sexual advances quite well...right up until the time when she hit me with exactly the right words at exactly the right (weak) moment for me. And she did it via email!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is still premeditated, no matter how spontaneous. You did think about it before you did it. If you were conscious, you knew full well what you were doing, so you can't act like it just "happened" to you. You made a choice. Feeling overwhelmed by your feelings don't change that fact.