What did WS do to finally convince you to work on the marriage instead of seeking a divorce? Was it a change in attitude, behavior, specific action(s), series of events, others? What got you past the anger and caused you to be willing to seek MC for both of you?

Thanks guys

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> What did WS do to finally convince you to work on the marriage instead of seeking a divorce?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing.

Divorce never entered my mind. It was not an option for me.

In fact, my WS would have been quite relieved if I had filed for divorce - then she wouldn't have had to. I was trying to work on my marriage continuously - before and after discovering the affair.

I think you have an invalid premise here - that BSs immediately want a divorce and have to be convinced otherwise. That may be true for some - especially those who never post here, because they're not interested in saving their marriages. Perhaps your question should be directed to WSs whose BSs didn't initially want to work on their marriages. There are a few here (or in the Recovery forum) that fit that description, I believe.

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Well my first instincts were to leave and I did. But she sought me out and found me.

As I both learned about her abuse and watched her overcome it she became the person I thought I had married 18 years before. Of course we had lot of emotional baggage to work through. We pretty much got it down to a shaving kit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Upon discovery she immediately wanted us to got to therapy.

Without knowing what no contact was she went into no contact two days after discovery.

She put me first in her life other than her faith.

She quickly changed from hiding things to trying to help heal my pain.

She was wonderful if such an expression can be used to describe someone that has strayed.

WAT's posting is right on. I never thought about divorce. Not even now, after having implemented Plan B last night.

What she did: Turned toward me, and turned toward God. The change in actions flowed out of a change in attitude. What I did: read up on what the Bible says about divorce. It is allowable, but not God's will. In fact, God HATES it.

Two other things were relevant. I knew that most second marriages end in divorce, and I did not know why this had happened (she had called me "the greatest husband in the world"). I wanted to give myself time and opportunity to find out, so I didn't find myself in a similar place 10 years later, still clueless.

Immediately after her confession, in answer to my questions, she told me: “We have a good marriage. It wasn’t about you, it wasn’t about him, it wasn’t about sex.” Those statements seemed ludicrous to me. But, it was partly curiosity about what those words meant that kept me around. My wife is a very intelligent woman. I didn’t understand how she could really believe what she had just said. My dominant thought was probably that she was lying to herself. But, I had a sneaking suspicion somewhere in the back of my head that there was something I had missed - something I didn’t understand about those words. I wanted to knw how she could possibly say that. Part of recovery was for me to find out what was true about them, and for her to find out what was false.

^^

I am asking BS that initally wanted to obtain a divorce what WS did to change your mind?

I realize that most that post to MB want their marriage to survive but there are some BS that at least initally wanted a divorce.

Thanks

Beau

Can I answer even though I am a girl?? I initially wanted a divorce. I was too disgusted to stay married to him and just wanted him gone. YUCK! I kept thinking to myself that I was married to a "scumball" and a "low man."

I lost all respect and feelings for him when I found out about his affair and told him to hit the road. But I agreed to go MC with him out of a sense of..............maybe JUSTICE?

I wanted to be able to say that I "had tried" before I gave him the bum's rush. But when I started MC with him, my plan was to go a couple of times and then give him the boot. Well, here I am 3 years later and I adore the man!

Thanks Melody

I am talking with a WS who's H is set on divorce and I am looking for clues from people that were also determined to get a divorce but later changed their mind. WS is doing everything right. But, H is very angry and resentful and can't commit to MC. So, I am looking for ideas from people that have been in this situation.

Beau

First of all, it's cheaper to keep her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok, now real discussion. When I first found out, I mean the minute she told me, my first thoughts were not about divorce, it was trying to control myself. I was afraid that I would actually hit her, I had to step away to get out of arm's reach. I have never hit a lady, I am proud to say that I was able to step away at that time. Divorce was in my mind, but I just could not see myself without my W. Children also played a huge factor. Plus, when my wife confessed (she told me, I did not discover), she was an emotional wreck, and at that time, I could see she needed some stability. See readily agreed to NC, despite the alarm bells that might set off with friends who knew the OM. Luckily no one else found out, that would made this situation even tougher. Bottom line, I needed my wife, she needed me, we wanted to work through this so we needed to stay married.

My Dday was 5 months ago today. Up until New Year's day I had been contemplating divorce because my WW would not be honest with me about her feelings and continued contact with OM. She had not seen him since Dday, but there were still phone calls and mail going between them via the neighbor's house. She also refused to send a NC letter.

Everytime I would try to talk to her about her true feelings, she would turn it into a shouting match and I had reach my limits with her. I calmly explained to her on New Year's day that I was tired of her lies and cheating and that since she was not willing to go to C and end her contact with the OM, I was left with no choice but for her to move on. I further explained that she had been living in such a fantasy world regarding her A with the OM, that even the OM would never be able to live up to her expectactions. I was unwilling to go any further with her and that she needed to move on. At first she readily agreed, but within a few hours, finally came to the realization that what I was telling her was actually true.

We have two sons, a 26 year old and a 20 year old that also had told her that they would never have any contact with the OM and that the only way that she could ever see them again was if she came to their homes and made it very clear to her that he was not ever welcome there. Even with that, she was unwilling to give him up.

Anyway, for the first time since Dday, I feel that we may have a chance at recovery. She has agreed to start MC and for the first time in two years, she is being honest with me. NC letter will be written this weekend.

Larry

NC letter will be written this weekend.
This is something which YOU will read and YOU will out in the mailbox, correct?

SonofWF,

"Was it a change in attitude, behavior, specific action(s), series of events, others? What got you past the anger and caused you to be willing to seek MC for both of you? "

For me it was all of the above. My WW did not do anything specific, she did everything she could to help us recover, and our M is going great. Her doing everything she could was not enough. I too had to play ball. I had to work on our M as well. It takes two people to make an M work.

My imeadiate reaction was that it was over. Her immeadiate reaction was that she would do anything to keep us together. I decided to try, to give it some time. At that time I had no respect for her.

So for me it was all of the above. She made it very clear that she wanted it to work. She did and does everything to instill trust back into our marriage. Happy to say, it is working.

You say that the WS is doing everything right. If that is the case, then maybe the person that you should be talking to more is the BS. He has many issues to deal with. When was d-day? How long was the A? Was it EA, PA or both? How did he find out?

H was told by WS. The A lasted two months and involved EA and PA. She immediately went NC and is very remorseful. Both are in C but H is having alot of anger and trust issues and disprespectul judgements. H wants the A kept screen. WS is trying to let the criticism roll off but H pounds her daily. He is very controlling and has emotional issues of his own. D-day was about a month ago. I realize that H feeling are very raw but was hoping to get a couple of ideas that may help H get past his anger. H will not post to MB, I've explored that already.

Beau

Hi Beau,

So the H is in C, but does not want to do MC. Is he in C for an unrelated reason or because of the A? Did the OM tell because she told him the A was over? When you say "he pounds her daily", does he ask her questions about the A or calls her names? What does "he wants to keep the A screen" mean? secret?

Yesterday I was at a clients office and they had a motivational speaker come in. I noticed on the whiteboard a motivational quote. It read something like this,"For us to achieve our goals first there must be the will to achieve them." So I am assuming here that is your goal to at least give the H the WILL to improve on their M.

One month is not a very long time and as you said his feelings are still raw. At one month, I had alot of anger and trust issues. At over 8 months I still have trust issues although they are not even close to what they were and are constantly on the decline. One month is not a very long time. If after one month, I could have chained my wife to me, just to know her every move I would have, and she would have done it, and she still would willing do it if she thought it would help our M.

I guess my next question would be, what led to the A in the first place?

I could go on and on and it would just be MB's Principles in my own words.