Well, just yesterday I posted that I thought Plan A was going well and felt hopeful that my H would reconsider separating. We had a great weekend and saw him off to the airport for a business trip yesterday.

Lastnight, we talked about our son and I told him he was already feeling insecure with him being gone. He asked how I thought our S would do when he returned in 3 weeks with our situation. I took this to mean that he still planned to leave us upon his return. His whole attitude toward me was stiff and once again I felt all my hope wash away.

I started to get the feeling that so many of you are right about him having an A. I didn't want to believe it. I clung on to the hope that you were all wrong. He denied it time and again and I believed him and felt bad about doubting his faithfulness.

Well you were all right. I was wrong. I decided today to find a way to get a copy of his cell phone bill (it has never come to our house and have asked him about this). I went online and with some luck was able to retrieve it. . . in all its gruesome detail.

The OW with whom he had had a EA with this summer and with whom he supposedly had no more personal contact with anymore, was on his bill EVERY SINGLE day for the past month (I couldn't access previous bills). As soon as I saw her number, (I had saved it from this summer), my heart sank. He has been lying to my face all along. He swore to god that he wasn't talking to her any more. I am crushed. How could I have believed him? Why was I so trusting? What do I do now.

As I printed out page after page (84 calls in one month), I felt as though a boulder were lying on my chest. My first instinct was to call him and tell him to never come back. I wanted to call the OW and scream at her how could she ruin my life and more importantly my precious son's life? What about her 3 little boys? I want to call her H and tell him, tell him, tell him!!! But as all my thoughts were running through my head, my little boy came in the room and sensed my anxiety. What's wrong, Mama he asked. So, I sucked up all my pain for that little boy. I took him to swim practice as planned even though I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. While he practiced I ran the track. And as I ran, I became so angry, but also more controlled. I want to find out more before I confront him. Is what I have found enough? I'm afraid if I let him know to soon, I'll never know the extent of this relationship he is having? I can never believe another word that comes from his mouth.

Please help me to know where to go from here.

WAT, I should have listened to you and everyone who said it was so obvious.

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Don't beat yourself up like this. You were trusting, which is what a good wife should be like. And don't take his lies too personally. I know it is hard, but they all do the same thing.

Keep reading here. Stick to the MB program. I have been here only 4 months and it has made all the difference in the world. Don't give up hope.

nid -- How wonderful that you restrained the impulse to call immediately! I probably would have! Let's hope this will serve as a good BUMP to get some of the experts to tell you how to confront the situation.

Nid, I know you are in despair but it is better to know the truth. This is a STEP FORWARD, not backward! Now you know exactly why he didn't want you to snoop on him. He has something to hide.

It changes NOTHING in the way you treat him, though. You MUST continue your Plan A. Threatening him will change nothing. You still must attract him back.

However, that does not mean that you do not do everything to end this affair by exposing it. I would start off with the OWH. Call him up and just tell him what you know and tell him that your H has planned to leave you, possibly for his W. Tell him that it is very possible that your H thinks his wife is preparing to leave him for your H.

It would be helpful if the OWH could watch his wife from that end to see if he could gather more facts about the situation. And it would be even more helpful if he could come to Marriage Builders so he doesn't make typical mistakes.

But often when the OP's spouse finds out and confronts the WS, the affair quickly ends because they don't want to lose their marriage. Hopefully, this will be a positive for you!

After you have calmed down sufficiently in a day or two, I would tell your H that you know he has continued contact with the OW and ask for an explanation. Just see what he says. He needs to know that you know. And if he asks for "proof", which some do, just tell him that you don't have to "prove" something he already knows and leave it at that. You don't want to give up your source.

The reason I restrained myself is because he is in training and I knew if I called he would not be able to concentrate and learn this new business. It took everything I had not to call. The reason I didn't call the OW is because I knew she would call him and then what I was trying to avoid would happen anyway.

When he called tonight, I tried hard to hide my pain and act as if all was fine here at home. He didn't respond to any of my emails that I sent this am (before I found out) and didn't call us until 8:30. Then he was so short and quick to go.

After I put my S to bed, I took a shower and just had a melt down. My chest hurts from the crying. I am so depressed. I have so much work to do for my job and I can't concentrate.

What I need to know is whether I should gather more evidence before I confront him. Should I call the OW or wait for him to return? What about the OW's H?

Any advice is appreciated,

nid

PS How do you put the information below your name?

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Melody, I'm glad you mentioned that about my source. I was ready to flash the print outs with the 84 calls in one month right in his face. That was my mistake before. Every time I discovered something and confronted him, he was able to cover his tracks better.

Is it weird that I want to HEAR them have a conversation? I want to know what they talk about. I know even if he stops seeing her, he will never reveal the details. I want to know every detail. Why do I feel this way?

You might want to wait until your H returns to confront him if he is in training. You would be calmer then, have more information and he wouldn't be able to hang up on you.

I would NOT CONTACT the OW. There would be no reason to do so. I would contact her H and gather as much information as you can about the affair in the meantime.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong>
I want to know every detail. Why do I feel this way? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe because it IS YOUR LIFE?? And because the facts are being CRUELLY WITHHELD from you?

But if I contact the OW's H, don't you think he'll confront her? I'm scared to call him even though I know they are doing something very wrong, even if its not a PA, which it could very well be for all I know. And that makes me sick, because he's been with me all the while.

you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hope came &went, worst fears now realized, please help </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The discovery of that phone bill put you ONE STEP CLOSER to recovery than you were yesterday. You cannot possibly recover your marriage if you don't know the truth. The truth is now coming out and at least you are on the right path. Yesterday you were groping around in dark. The lights are coming on now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong> But if I contact the OW's H, don't you think he'll confront her? I'm scared to call him even though I know they are doing something very wrong, even if its not a PA, which it could very well be for all I know. And that makes me sick, because he's been with me all the while. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopefully, he WILL confront her. That is the point. But I also hope that he investigates on his own before he does that and shares any information with you. Usually, the OP's spouse knows that something is going on already.

But should I contact OW's H now or wait until my H returns? Anything that happens at her home she is sure to tell my H. How can I be sure the OWH doesn't tell her I talked to him? He doesn't care if my H's training and possibly job are ruined. Should I wait until my H gets back?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong> But should I contact OW's H now or wait until my H returns? Anything that happens at her home she is sure to tell my H. How can I be sure the OWH doesn't tell her I talked to him? He doesn't care if my H's training and possibly job are ruined. Should I wait until my H gets back? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nid, I think the sooner you contact the OWH, the better. That gives you more time to gather evidence while your H is gone.

It's perfectly ok if the OWH tells the OW you called. You are not the one who has something to hide here, remember? If your H asks if you contacted the OWH, you would tell him ABSOLUTELY! [and how would he even know this if she hadn't contacted him? hmmm] You have nothing to hide and have no obligation to help them hide their affair. The faster it is exposed to the light of day, the faster it will die.

okay Melody, I will gather up the courage and do this soon. Maybe this weekend. Should I just talk to him on the phone about it or should I ask him to meet me somewhere? Does it make a difference?

Nid, you will have to judge what is best, but I would definitely plan out what you are going to say beforehand and call him at a time when she is not home. AND maybe call from another phone so your caller ID is not on his phone.

Nid, just a reminder. You have done nothing wrong, you are not the guilty party here. Please remember that, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

nid - excellent advice by Mel. Excellent.

Contact OW's H BEFORE you confront your H.

When you confront your H, do it exactly as Mel suggests - do not reveal your source. The perfect approach is to be calm and confident. We know this is extremely hard to do. Just picture a detective who knows the guy he's interviewing is guilty and he's reeling him in. You can do the same. Practice in front of the mirror.

BUT - expect him to continue to deny everything. At that point you can let her name slip out.

Believe it or not, you are in control here. You have a LOT more knowledge about what's going on than your H does. And you have the vast resources and good heads here to help. There is no need for urgency. Time is on your side. Knowledge is power.

I strongly suggest you arrange a counseling session with Steve Harley. You will not find better advice. Do this even BEFORE you contact OW's H. If you can't arrange with Steve first, then at least hold off confronting your H until you CAN arrange with Steve.

WAT

nid

I rarely post here these days but as you can see I have been around here awhile.

I am responding to you because I have been where you are (not that that is unique on this board).

I was the BS and after three years my WW and I are working our way to divorce.

I just wanted to post to say that ML and WAT have given you very good advice.

I would just echo what they are saying about telling the the OWH. In my case I waited a bit longer but finally did tell the OMW...she had no clue and I would be willing to bet this OWH doesn't know what is going on either.

But by telling him you take this to a new level and it is one that needs to be reached...he has a right to know.

I realize this is a difficult decision. It is one I wrestled with for the same reasons you are but ultimately I found that it was the best thing to do. I think you will too...

Good luck

E

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Elad ]</small>

Elad means he was the BS......... A typo.

Oops...I did it again...

It's fixed.

Thanks WAT... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

E