My husband is a liar and a snake. He's been cheating for a few years now, same girl. He keeps saying it is over with her, but then he calls her up and makes love CD's for her, and crap like that. He swears he loves me and the kids.

I am taking part of the income taxes and I am leaving him. I need to find myself. I tried everything to get him to turn away from her and towards me, but I don't seem to have what he needs. To be honest, for the 12.5 years of our marriage, I have been giving the love and getting not much in return. I have done everything to keep us together. I have been slowly dying in this relationship and I have decided I WANT To LIVE!

I can't describe my husband to you clearly enough for you all to understand him of course, but I can give you pieces. When we married, I was pregnant. Maybe he was feeling forced into it, I certainly felt that way, but we both (said) we loved each other, and that this was the future plan, just moved up a bit. He can be a wonderful man, when he wants to be. He is also a sociopath, a liar, neglectful (his computer and his toys and his status mean way more than me and the kids to him). He can be emotionally abusive (usually towards me and our 11 yr old son, he likes the daughter, she isn't treated as bad). When they were babies, I couldn't leave the house for more than a couple of hours, because he wouldn't take the time to feed them (it would take away from his computer and his online friends). As a friend, he'd give the shirt off his back to any of you, but then again he doesn't have many friends (2-> but one has dropped out of sight the last few years)

He does work. He thinks that that solves everything. He has bought a nice house (which he reminds me everyday that he bought cause I am a stay at home Mom/writer, who contributes nothing to HIS financial status, and he swears is HIS house) I used to work, but when you have babies to raise, and you have to work 12 hour days and clean, and cook, and find some time to SLEEP, somehow the money I made didn't seem to aid us at all. Plus my last good job I ended up sick in bed for 6 months after I quit. The doctors said I truly had a physical break down. (And yes, I quit because he begged me too, said it took too much time away from him and the kids. And yes, I am sure you already know that he spent no more time with us then, as a matter of fact, he got sent to Korea within a month after that, so I had no job and was still doing it on my own.

I have been looking for work since we moved back to michigan two years ago. Unfortunately no one seems to want to hire someone that has been out of the work force for 10 years, and worked erratically before that. I am going to get a waitressing job (if they'll take me)anything to not feel so smothered by him.

Rereading this, he sounds awful, and the sad thing is, he isn't. He can be loving and sweet and put us first, but those good times are so far between, you know? The kids are walking on egg shells, I'm an emotional wreck, and he's been cheating again. Same girl as before he left the army in 2001. He met her when he was TDY up here, and so we moved close to her. (I wanted to come home, he didn't pick here exclusively...I was told they were done.) He said originally he was lonely cause I couldn't come with him TDY...DUH! Does he not think I was lonely too?

I have tried marraige counseling (he refuses, I went alone for a time, he refused to let me tell her anything, said his job in the army could be affected...cause of the adultery). I have suggested a christian weekend getaway for marriage troubles, he said, (and I quote, "There's nothing wrong with us, why should we?" He swears they are friends, and that he has done nothing wrong, but he has slept with her, and when he swears it's over with her, he still calls her.

I know I have overstayed my time here, but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then something would happen and I would end up finding out.

I am tired of trying and trying, and running headfirst into a brick wall at a full run. His family (except his parents, they don't know any of this), and my friends and my family keep saying to me, go run. Get the heck out! So finally I am going to.

I am scared to be on my own with two kids, but I am not leaving them behind. I will allow him visitation, but I am KEEPING my kids. If he fights me on it, oh is the stuff going to hit the fan! I have family and friends from way back that will testify that he has no business having control over my kids. He has NEVER been a parent to them.

I don't want to hurt him any more than necessary, and I know that sounds stupid, but I really do love him. I hate him too, but I still hurt pretty bad, so I must love him.

Just wanted to kind of put this all out there. Hoping for some kind words, and GOOD advice. I am lucky and have family support, and great friends who support and love me, and have all offered to take me and the kids in (and the 3 cats, that's some loving friends and family, haha). None of them understand that I USED to live alone, I USED to stand on my own two feet, i USED to feel comfortable in my own skin. I NEED to find myself again, bacause a small part of me feels responsible for his actions, and If I can stand alone (well, never alone, the kids stand with me always) maybe, just maybe I can start to write again, and be confident, and learn to LOVE myself again. Cause this simpering, soft spined girl is not who I AM.

Two of my best friends tell me often that I am wonderful. You know, maybe I could start to believe that again if I can just get out of here.

Thanks for listening (if anyone did, lol)

Wilma FlintStone

married 7/91
kids 12, and 11 (one of each)
+4 furry children 3 cats and a dog

Wiima,
I too am married to a man, no not a man, yes you said it right, a snake similiar to yours. Everyone in "his world" thinks he is wonderful, and he uses that against me. He is without a doubt the most despicable person I've ever known. He's a liar, a drunk, and has the character of a dog in heat. Forgive me canine world, I'm sorry to insult you. My husband thinks he has friends but he only has one. If someone at work is nice to him, he considers that a validation of himself rather than indicative of the character of the person who is kind to him. As your husband, he can be nice when it suits his purpose and only when it suits his purpose. His parents were the same way and died with very few people in attendance at their funerals. I never saw a tear shed at either service.

Now, why I'm posting. The title of your topic said that his behavior was your fault? Do you REALLY believe that???? Telling the counselor when he was in the service about his adultery would have been a good lesson for him. I dare say that's the only thing you have done that could have been changed. He's responsible for his actins, you are not!

I am responsible for these reasons: 1)I brought a LOT of emotional baggage into this marriage. 2)I have NOT been there for him emotionally since our daughter died (he wasn't there for me either though), and 3) I too had an affair. About a year after my daughter died, and it ended almost before it started.

I KNOW he has to bear at LEAST 90% of the blame, but I can be honest and admit that some is my fault too. It doesn't make me any less of a person, only more human? (not sure if human is the word I am looking for, but will do)

I appreciate what you are saying though. It took me awhile of reading the concepts and stuff here to get the idea that I was to blame in part. I was ready to throw this whole website into the trash bin and find somewhere else, but then I got it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I in no way feel GUILTY for living, and surviving as I have, because I have grown up and realized many things from my tragedies, and become a much better person for it.

I only take on the blame that is mine to bear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will soon be free of him, and am feeling pretty good remembering that!

Wilma