I've been married for over three years now and the current fissures in our marriage are turning into major cracks. Before we got married he was loving, caring and made me feel so incredibly special. I have had some of the most remarkable moments of my life with him, but those great days seem to be over. After we got married he slowly became more and more critical of me. He's bothered me about my weight, about not being "cool" enough, my taste in clothes, my hair. . . It's really out of control. The strange thing is I've lost over 25 lbs. since we got married(I think I look pretty nice BTW and I've gotten a lot of compliments too) and instead of being encouraging, he says it's barely noticeable. Just last night he said that he wasn't attracted to me and that it was affecting our relationship. He also said that he didn't understand why I wasn't thinner with all the hours I spend at the gym!! He also said that he thought marriage was difficult and that he didn't feel free. It's really was a devastating conversation not to mention that I'm continually dumbfounded by his constant criticism. Granted, I do believe that he's very unhappy with his own life and I'm the one receiving all his negativity. I also feel that I made a big mistake marrying him and that he presented a whole different side of him. Now he is this very negative person that I hardly recognize. Some days he tells me how wonderful I am and how his life would be such a mess without me, yet other days he says the cruelest and most hurtful things. I'm a bit tired of his inconsistent behavior and I long for the days with my ex who was so positive. After this horrible chat we had last night, he told me he loved me very much (?) and that I was good for him. He's tried to be loving and tender all day(I think he's feeling guilty), but I'm so hurt I just want to run away and end this. I do think marriage has been very hard for him and I feel guilty for marrying him because I think he's more the independent bachelor type than the husband type.
Fidelity is also a concern, I believe that if he found a willing partner he would be unfaithful. I'm seriously thinking that we should separate. I don't think he is good for me, I haven't felt this insecure since I was a 13 years old. I was more confident about my looks and myself as whole when I was 25 lbs heavier! He's wearing me out.

Sometimes when people are lacking in self esteem they think anything that "belongs" to them must be defective. I suspect that this is what is going on with your H. Before he married you he saw you as the wonderful person you are and hoped that marriage to you would make him feel better about himself, but when marriage to you didn't make him feel wonderful, he began to see you as defective. None of this has anything to do with you-you could have the perfect body and you'd still be "too fat" because you are his wife and how could he have a wife who is perfect when he sees himself as far from perfect? That is what you are up against.

I wouldn't blame you for dropping him like a hot rock, but since you came to a Marriage Builders site my hunch is you want to save your marriage if possible. Have you read the concepts on this site? I would suggest you pay particular attention to the concept of Radical Honesty, because I think you need to be honest with your H, in a non blaming way, about your doubts about the marriage and your desire to leave. For instance, you can tell him that you don't see your efforts to improve your appearance as having had any effect on him, that this makes you feel a loss of confidence and that as a result you are thinking of leaving him.

Another technique people use here is to make requests using the formula, "I would love it if". If he makes a hurtful remark about your weight, you could say, "I would love it if you could find something about our relationship that you do like and tell me about that".

It is also possible to validate what someone is feeling without agreeing with it. So if he says something about not being attracted to you and that it is affecting your relationship, you could say, "it sounds like you are saying that my staying attractive is important to you in order for you to be happy with our relationship." You can combine validating his feelings with being honest about your own, and follow it up with a suggestion that you both seek help.

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 04:00 AM: Message edited by: elspeth ]</small>

How long were you div'd before you M'd your H?

Could it be you did not give yourself enough time between relationships to become comfortable in your own "skin" - and now he's dictating how you should feel/act/etc?

And why do you think fidelity is an issue with him? Has he given you any reason not to trust him? Have you given him any reason?

Become your own person. This will be attractive, sexy to him! DO NOT let him dictate who you should be/become.

Show him a loving, caring W, but love yourself as well.

God Bless,

First of all, thank your insights and comments. Yes, I love him very much and I want to make things work because we were both so happy at one time and I want to recover that. You seem to have read my mind, suddenly I'm not good enough because he has married me. All of our problems started after I met his family (we met them a year after we got married-long story, basically they are super critical and although he loves them, he doesn't get along with them). We talk a lot about our relationship and his needs and his family. I'm definitely the Giver in our relationship, but my ability to give and be compassionate is running out. He's mentioned separation a few times, although I don't really think he would leave me; however, I think he is sabotoging the relationship so that I'm the one that leaves. It's very very hard. I'm in the middle of a Ph.D. program and it's such a stressful time. I just had a birthday too and looking at my life I feel my marriage is such a fraud, this is not what I wanted. I'm seeing a counselor and I'll continue to keep the lines of communication open with H although, I think he needs to deals with his issues and must see a counselor too-An option he is not open to. As far as he is concerned I'm the problem that needs to be fixed and he is fine. I don't think he's leaving me many options.

I consider myself very faithful and would never cheat on him. It seems wiser to deal with the marital issues rather than fish around for a emotional bandaid with some other guy-in the end it all becomes very messy and dishonest. Not to mention that I think it's an awful thing to do to someone you love. Unfortunately, a while back I caught him chatting with some girls online and they were sending pictures to each other. Of course we had a huge fight over this. He cried, asked for forgivness and promised he would never do it again, but the seed of doubt has been planted and his constant criticism makes me even more insecure about his ability to be faithful. His behaviour is so contradictory-days of tenderness followed by days of saddness and criticism. I was a very happy and postive person with so much love to give, but slowly all that happiness has been drained from me---And now here I am, completly weak and insecure and I hate it! I was never like this, in fact my friends always admired how independent and strong I always seemed to be. I feel like I have to start working on me again and let go of H. I was married before and I was single for 4 years before I met new H and waited 2 years before I remarried.