First, I'll start by saying I'm terrified to do a Plan B. I've gone all day today without contact just because he hasn't called me. I left a message on his cell, and I'm sure I LB'd with a couple comments (not bad...but just asking if I misinterpreted when he told me he thought it was nearing and end (the A), and asked if what he really meant was that we are nearing an end.)

Anyway, no calls yet from him. I'm very lonely (teens are both out with friends), tired, cold, shaking from anxiety and just basically a mess today.

Husband gets occupancy of his apartment on Monday (moving to an efficiency because he needs "serenity"). Plan A is obviously not working. I don't know if I'll immediately go to Plan B on Monday, but wanted some advice on the letter, because I feel it will probably become necessary sooner than later.

I may take out the part about the alcohol. Though I really do want him to get sober, I'm not sure I'd refuse to take him back even if he were still drinking if I had solid proof the A was over.

Okay, my next post will be the letter. Comments please!?!

I am so sorry for not recognizing that our marriage was going downhill over the last few years, and that my being away at work all the time and not taking care of our home like I should have left you feeling taken for granted. I know that helped create conditions that lead to your affair, and I believe your affair and the struggles it’s creating within you contributed to your drinking again.

I wasn’t there when you needed me, and someone else was. Now it’s destroying both of us and our family. Though an affair wasn’t the answer, it’s not just you who is at fault. We both are.

I am working to get the help needed to control my anxiety and my angry outbursts and to do my best to create a better home life for you and for our family. I want to meet your needs. I want you to feel respected and valued and loved. But right now, it’s impossible for me to do that, as long as you are in your relationship with Sherridee, and as long as you are drinking.

Until these things change, I believe it’s best if we live separately and that we don’t communicate, except to discuss issues related to the kids or finances. I think it will be difficult for you to sort things out and for me to heal if we hear each other’s voices or see each other all the time. I do appreciate your offers to fix things around the house or work on the cars no matter what, but right now, since we are not together as a couple, I think it’s best if I take care of these things another way if need be.

This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever considered doing. I’m asking you to respect my wishes, not with the intention of losing each other, but in the sincere hope that by doing this we can save what I believe to be a very special marriage. You have to know how much your relationship with Sherridee hurts the kids and me. I know you hurt, too. I can’t continue to go on day-by-day like we are, not seeing improvement in the situation. I don’t see you making attempts to break off contact with her. It is killing our marriage.

As soon as you are willing to permanently break off contact with her, and seek help for your drinking (through Jerry, through AA, through outpatient treatment…it doesn’t matter how as long as you are making an effort to get sober again and have a support system in place for days when it’s especially difficult to remain alcohol-free), I am most definitely willing to discuss rebuilding our marriage.

I pray daily for you, and for us, that we weather this in the end. I want so much to have a future with you, and I have every hope that we can have something MUCH better than we’ve ever had in the past, because of what we’re learning through all this, however painful the learning may be. I want us to be able to make each other happy, to meet each other’s needs. (I want to go on those long Harley rides—I really mean that!) If we can learn to do this, we neither one will risk getting into this type of situation ever again. We used to be best friends, John. I want us to be that again. Nothing is more important in a marriage than being your spouse’s best friend, with whom you can share everything, or to whom you can tell anything. Everything else, the passion, the “in love” all builds off of that.

I do believe what the Bible says about God hating divorce, and I believe He wants us together. I believe if we are together and living as He wants us to, that He will bless our marriage. Conversely, I don’t believe He blesses things when they go against His will. Look at all He’s done for us in the past! Look what we’ve been through and survived. You and I may not be on the same level where beliefs are concerned, but I know you do believe.

I loved you very much when we married 19 years ago. I still love you very much today. My feelings for you aren’t gone, nor do I believe yours are for me. I just can’t continue to live in this situation or help you as long as you continue your relationship with Sherridee and as long as you let alcohol control your life.

My love and prayers are with you,

I am going to give mine the plan B letter tonight. Maybe we both can support each other when we have our down moments during plan B <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't know about the letter part. What i did was just copy the examples here. Almost word for word except for the name and all. I am too tired to think and write my own.

Don't back out of plan B. I have been feeling low the whole day...LB a few times...even thinking i should delay plan B but i know i should stick to it. Plan B is to save our marriage.

Lordslady - I think you need to make it much shorter. WS's have a short attention span. When mine wanted to reconcile, I asked him to look at the letter I wrote. He asked me "What letter?" The Plan B letter is the only one I wrote him in a year.

Zizzycool, how long has the A been going on in your marriage? How long have you Plan A'd? Just curious, for comparison.

Believer, Urgh! (Not at you, at me.) I'm not good at being concise. Evident by most of my posts. I'll try and condense and maybe post a 2nd draft.

Second attempt---a little shorter: Opinions?
----------------------------------------------
I am so sorry for not recognizing that our marriage was going downhill over the last few years, and that my being away at work all the time and not taking care of our home like I should have left you feeling taken for granted. I know that helped create conditions that lead to your affair, and I believe your affair and the struggles it’s creating within you contributed to your drinking again. Though an affair wasn’t the answer, it’s not just you who is at fault. We both are.

I am working to get the help needed to control my anxiety and my angry outbursts and to do my best to create a better home life for you and for our family. I want to meet your needs. I want you to feel respected and valued and loved. But right now, it’s impossible for me to do that, as long as you are in your relationship with Sherridee, and as long as you are drinking.

Until these things change, I believe it’s best if we live separately and that we don’t communicate, except to discuss issues related to the kids or finances. I do appreciate your offers to fix things around the house or work on the cars no matter what, but right now I think I should take care of these things another way if need be.

I’m asking you to respect my wishes, not with the intention divorcing, but in the sincere hope that by doing this we can save what I believe to be a very special marriage. Your relationship with Sherridee hurts us very much. I can’t continue to go on day-by-day like we are, not seeing any improvement in the situation.

As soon as you are willing to permanently break off contact with her, and seek help for your drinking (through Jerry, through AA, through outpatient treatment…it doesn’t matter how as long as you are making an effort to get sober again and have a support system in place for days when it’s especially difficult to remain alcohol-free), I am most definitely willing to discuss rebuilding our marriage.

I pray daily for you, and for us, that we weather this in the end. I want so much to have a future with you, and I have every hope that we can have something MUCH better than we’ve ever had in the past, because of what we’re learning through all this. We used to be best friends, John. I want us to be that again. Everything else, the passion, the “in love” all builds off of that.

I loved you very much when we married 19 years ago. I still love you very much today. My feelings for you aren’t gone, nor do I believe yours are for me. I just can’t continue to live in this situation or help you as long as you continue your relationship with Sherridee and as long as you let alcohol control your life.

My love and prayers are with you,

How about this shorter version:

John -
I am so sorry for not recognizing that our marriage was going downhill for the last few years. I'm sorry I did not meet your needs and you felt you had to turn to someone else.
I always thought our marrriage would last and we would grow old together. I want you to feel respected, valued and loved.
As soon as you permanently break contact with Sherridee and seek help for your drinking, I want to see you and work on making a better marriage.
Until that time, to preserve my love for you, please do not contact me.

Believer,

What about contact related to the children or to finances (my telling him each week that I txfr'd my $ from his account).

He doesn't have email at work and won't have a computer at apt. Cell phone only. Ideas?

LL

Tell him you are going to transfer money each week. Set an amount that is high enough to pay bills. If your kids are old enough, have him contact them. Otherwise set up a schedule.

Kids are old enough. They're teens. D is 14. She's very angry at him right now. S is 17 and has never really been close to H. Thus, my comment about custody probably not being an issue. I'll be solely responsible for them.

$ issue: I went to the Iowa child support guidelines and figured out what he'd have to pay if we were divorced. To that I added 1/2 of my daughter's orthodontia. It's still probably low because I'm paying for his health/life insurance, but don't want to risk him not paying at all.

I'm getting really frightened. Still no call today. I feel he's walked away and that we're over. I love him. I want him back. I can't imagine life without him.

When you get in Plan B, you will have more clarity. You will be able to imagine life without him. I think Plan B is your only option. Go for it.