This is my first time in this forum. I have been looking for answers to my issues and have come up dry. Maybe someone has some insight into this.

Here is my story. My wife and I never had a great marriage. In fact, it was quite miserable during the last 5 years. It was three years ago this past November that my wife was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was a surprise and a shock. She was perfectly OK physically and then all of a sudden she started having seizures. All the trouble that we had simply got put on the back burner due to the new "enemy" in our marriage. I felt so guilty when she was in the hospital. I thought that somehow this was my fault. We were soon informed that she had a Glioblastoma Multiforme and she only had a few months to live. At any rate I began to research on how to keep her alive. To make a long story short I convinced her to go natural and I spend the next 18 months feeding her all sorts of herbs, vitamins and the like. She did well for a while and then she needed emergency surgery to remove some of the tumor. This was a scary time for me and our four children. I was not sure that she would make it and the MICU doctor said she would not survive the surgery. I had a difficult time with this. She made it through and began to recover. Then seven months later she began to go downhill again. She quit the herbs and went conventional with radiation. This required her to move 300 miles away for treatment. I stayed home to take care of our four children. I was very scared and very lonely during this time and I began to reach out to anyone who would pay attention to me. About a year ago when my wife began to really go down hill. (She lived 300 miles away and we only visited her on the weekends.) I found a woman who would be my friend and support during this trying time. We became great friends. Both of us agreed that I did not need a relationship with another woman but someone who would help with the children and cheer me up. As time went by we got closer and closer. Before I knew it we had a full blown affair. My wife got worse and worse until finally she died in November. She never knew about the relationship but I now realized that I was wrong in what I did. I feel terrible and want to die. If it were not for my children I would have already killed myself. There is so much that has happened this past few months and I am literally on the edge. I am still seeing this other woman and she wants to marry me someday in spite of my issues. I find it hard to forgive myself. I am lower than pond scum for what I did. What do I do to get out of my depression and guilt?

Wow, alot going on here. I am not one of the "advisors" here, but I will try. First, stop beating yourself up. What happened was wrong, but you cannot change the past, you need to move on. You were in an incredibly difficult situation, and you made a mistake. I would recommend IC and time to think about marriage with this woman. There is no need to rush.

BTW, how are your kids doing?

mandolinman -

Sorry to hear how bad you feel. Try to get the book called "The Grief Recovery Book" by John James and Frank Cherry. It is an excellent book on moving beyond loss.

You will find that your feelings are absolutely normal. If it wasn't about this OW, it would be something else you regretted.

Of course you know now that it was not the right thing to do. But we are all human and make mistakes, especially under stressful circumstances. Read some of the stories here.

And finally, work thru the process of your grief. If you can, join a grief group through a church or hospice. No one will understand like someone who has suffered from a loss.

Take your time, and also read all of the information here. It will help you realize how to become a better person and have better relationships in the future.

Hugs to you and your children from California.

Normally you could expect an anti affair tone on this board.

Mandolin

Yours was not the normal affair and your circumstances are so much different than the average person.

You KNEW what lie ahead unlike most in an affair you knew the time would come when you would be alone. This was not a case of feeling lonely and not giving her the chance to meet that need.

You were understandably scared. Whether you loved your wife or not she was part of the team that handle the home and parenting duties with you. She was there for all those years. And while you may or may not have been giddy in love you still knew she was there. You could count on her for some things even if your greatest needs were not going to be met.

Four children who once counted on mom and dad (and in the beginning probably in that order until the cancer took over) suddenly are looking at you. Counting on you. NEEDING you to fill the role of both mom and dad.

All these painful unknowns came crashing on you all at once.

Did stumble maybe..an affair is an affair no matter how you spin it. But most affairs are selfish affairs. Most affairs are undertaken with the knowledge the betrayed spouse has a committment for the rest of the cheating spouses life.

This was not your case.

Perhaps the real guilt lies in what you didn't feel. Its tough knowing that you don't love someone in the way you thought you should. Even tougher when that person thinks you do and dies thinking that. Is that the real guilt that you didn't love her like you should? Did the affair only convince you more that you did not love like you felt you should?

Let it go Mand.

Don't fault yourself for being human and reaching out in what truly are desperate times for any normal person.

I believe unless I am mistaken you honored her in other ways all the way to the end. You looked after the well being of her children (yours too but that's not the point), you looked after her as best you could going every weekend. You stood by her and helped her meet her maker in the most comfortable way you knew how.

So if you want guilt you can find it but you won't find much here. As stated so many affairs are about selfish reasons far and away worse than what you did in pretty desperate times.

If you must punish yourself if you must somehow make right what wrong you think you did then do this in her name.

Love and cherish the children you both brought into this world in the same manner she would have.

Let yourself be loved as she first sought to love the day you took vows.

And make certain the person who holds her spot in the future (no one can take her place) is someone she would be happy for you over. And someone she would feel comfortable helping you finish the job of raising them.

She would not have wanted you to feel this pain and most definitely would not want you to end your life because of all of this.

Go to her grave. Confess all. Ask forgiveness. And pledge to honor her and her children till your last day on this world.

Then find peace and move forward my friend.

Wow. I really wasn't expecting this. Thank you Glad-man, believer, and stunned dad. I would be glad to answer some of the quesitons and get more feedback. This is the best I have felt since Nov 15 when W passed away! The children are doing well. I tried to prep them for the ultimate outcome almost a year ago. I would say that I am blessed because W was not taken suddenly but that we had three years to prepare. At least I and the children did. W chose to believe that God would restore her and her faith was great. I think that she died in faith. She was a strong woman. I wish that she had prepared the children more for her passing. About three months before she died she lost her ability to speak and since she was paralized she could not write. All sho could do was look at us lovingly with her beautiful blue eyes. She was bed ridden for the last 5 months. And I was not there when she passed away. I feel bad about that too. Perhaps you are right when you say that alot of my guilt was due to not loving her as much I could have during our marriage. If there ever was a message that I would give to everyone in this forum it would be to be true to your man or your bride whichever the case because life is short and you never know when you time is up. Now here I am in my 30's and have to start over with a new relationship (someday). In the meantime I have four children to raise (13, 9, 6, 4) and they are all so precious. I appreciate the advice in not rushing into another relationship. I will heed this. I miss her deeply.

Mandolinman -

Get that grief book and start on it soon. Just like MB, their step-by-step process is counter to what our society teaches us. I got it from a man in his thirties who lost his wife and left him with 3 children. He got it from a church grief group. (By the way, he is now happily married to a woman he met there who lost her only son, but that is another story).

Keep reading and posting here. The relationship information is great. The ideas of how to change yourself and spend your time will help you too.

You don't know how close to home this hits .... this is my cousin's story. She died of brain cancer 3 years ago, her husband was cheating on her at the time. (I've since found out he was cheating on her for most of their marriage)

They had three kids and she always knew about his infidelity. Breaks my heart to know she died knowing this. He married the OW and now her parents have nothing to do with him, only their grandchildren who were all teens when she died.

Personally I think you need to stop seeing this woman. She was willing to cheat with you while your wife was dying. What happens if the situation now becomes you that's dying, will this OW cheat on you when you most need loyalty and support?

Probably, there's an old saying "If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you."

End contact with her and go to IC and heal yourself -- without her there as a distraction. You need to heal yourself so that you can be the father AND mother your kids need.

way2

P.S. Often times the BS does know, even when the WS thinks they don't.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

One more thing ... if you marry this woman and you feel so bad and guilty now, what will you feel like later ... especially if your kids find out?

If they beleive that their mother is looking down at them right now and Daddy has been shagging another woman, right through their mother's illness and death you will loose your connection with them. You will cease to be their hero.

And what will you have taught them? That love, loyalty and fidelity are transitive values?

Do they deserve more .. for what you teach them will be what they expect from their marriages -- what if they were dying and their spouse did this to them?

Children learn... decide what you are going to teach them.

way2

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Mandolinman, perhaps the best advice in all of this is the part about forgiveness. You need your wife's forgiveness, even though she died. I don't know what you believe about God and heaven and the soul. I do know that if you search for her to talk to, you'll find her and you'll be able to have the talks you need to have. Your wife... who knows how she'll respond? Will she be hurt and angry? I kind of doubt it. People who've died generally have a broader perspective than those of us who're still alive. Will she forgive you? Hmm, probably. But I'd guess she'll want you to grow and learn from the experience, to become someone ever stronger and more wonderful.

And you need to forgive yourself.

Speaking here, about this very hard thing, is a start toward doing that. You've admitted to someone, though we are anonymous to you, what happened to you. It helps; the burden of the secret and the shame are what's destroying you right now, not the infidelity itself.

The infidelity will also destroy you, of course. It's just a matter of the speed of the poison. All of it needs to go in order for you to be able to rebuild and heal.

Way2 had difficult things to say to you, but they're right things. Your relationship with OW began in infidelity and terrible grief and pain. It's entirely understandable that you turned to someone in a time of need -- your first three respondents nailed it square on the head on that one .... but now it's time for you to stand on your own feet. Your kids need that. You need that.

Opening up your secret and shame are difficult things to do, and will have to be done carefully. There's a balance here between honoring your wife's memory and admitting to the world who you really are.

Given the ages of your children, I think it is wiser to err on the side of protecting your wife's memory. Find one or two trusted family members to talk to and to help you with the pain of your grief and your infidelity, but don't expose your kids to it, nor other fragile members of your family.

Because that's what the parents do -- they protect their kids from harm. Most especially from the harm that they themselves could inflict.

Mandolinman -

Are you still around?

Again I am taken back by the responses. Thank you all for your interest in my situation. I have felt much better since I posted. Last night I wrote a letter to my W even though she is gone. I know she will never see the letter, or will she? At any rate I wrote about what I did and how I felt about it. I asked her forgiveness and promised to turn my life around forever. I am not sure what I will do with the letter. Maybe burn it or keep it in a place to remind me of my commitment to do better. I even talk to her remains that sit on a shelf that I made for her urn. I had her cremated (sp?) and she sits in the den with her picture and a few special things that she owned. I could not stand to put her in some lonely cemetery for the worms and God knows what to get her. She wanted it this way. As for OW we still see each other. I asked her to forgive me for what I had done and promised her that it would not happen again. We are still great friends. She loves the children and they love her too. My youngest especially. She keeps telling me that her Mommy is in heaven with Jesus and that C (OW) is like her new Mommy since she helps out with so many things at the house. I appreciate the advice to break it off with OW. I will prayerfully consider this. I have asked one of the elders at my church to counsel me through this and he has agreed. He has found someone to counsel OW too. She has started going to my church after receiving the Lord in her life recently. Much has changed in the last 3 months. Like I said before I am having a hard time forgiving myself but I think I have gotten off to a good start thanks to everyone here at MB Hotel. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction to get things started.

I don't know if you need to end things with the OW but...........

Please recognize that your feelings for her were born out the desperate times you were going through. They were born in the secretive addictive world of an affair.

I think taking it slow to determine if you would have under normal circumstances had feelings for this woman might be better advice.

manolinman -

I am bumping this up for kamara. She is facing a life treatening disease and her H is in the fog.

MAND...

Re-read Stunnded Dad's post of 2/20. It's straight forward, but with compassion. Your burden is great with the tragic loss of your wife. I pray for your recovery and for the strength you will find for your children and yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> manolinman -

I am bumping this up for kamara. She is facing a life treatening disease and her H is in the fog. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heart goes out to your friend Kamara. I would be willing to talk to her or her H about my experiences. I think that since life has handed me lemons than the only proper response is to make lemonade. Don't know if it will do too much good but I can certainly relate. I have felt so much better after getting into this forum. Thanks to all for their input.