My FWS and I are 4 years this month into recovery.

Two days ago he recieved an email from an old girlfriend. I have no idea how she got his email address.

Just an inquiry as to was it him, and how was he, as she had mentioned to her son she knew a great drummer in the late 70's who was also an awesome conga player.

Next day she sends another email with her old last name at that time and asks him to respond. I did notice that she has had 3 last names in the last 25 years.

Today there is an email with 27 minutes of music attached. Always ends her email with a smiley face.

I told him this disturbed me and made me feel insecure. He doesn't understand why I would feel that way. I asked him how he would feel if I recieved an email from an old boyfriend. FWS responded this would not bother him at all. He was angry at me for my feelings. This makes me feel like I cannot share how I feel with him, so I have backed off and am not LBing.

FWS has not responded to these emails yet. He doesn't know anything about the music email as I just found it.

He says it was nothing really, between them. However, he kept all of his letters and pictures of his girlfriends, and there were a few letters from this woman, and she obviously cared a great deal for him at this time. By the way he was unfaithful to her. I don't know if they had and exculsive relationship, but I know she was hurt.We have been together 19 years, and he did get rid of all those letters and pictures about a year and a half into our relationship. These things are long gone, I just have a looong memory. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !!

What should I do? Is this a red flag? I am not comfortable with this situation, and am disturbed that there have been 3 emails in 3 days.

Please you guys, could you help me out with this one? I just don't know what to do about this. I have never asked for help before. Perhaps I should have posted on recovery but I am more comfortable at GQ.

Thank you in advance. I have to go to work in a bit and will check in when I get home tonight.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Ayup.I would be suspicious.

Did you ask your H if he contacted her first? My guess is that he may have started something,not sure yet.Also,his rebuff of your feelings regarding the e-mails and his statement that he wouldn't be bothered if you received an e-mail from an old boyfriend makes me say Hmmm.

Ok,time to put the armor back on.Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing but be prepared for something.Also,delete the song e-mail and see if he brings it up.Also,can you check the e-mail history on your comp? Check the files too.Do a little investigative work.

I don't like that he has a stash of momentos from past girlfriends either but that's JMHO.Ugh.

O

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

O

Thank you for your reply. No, my H did not contact her first. He was surprised and more curious about how her mom was. He knew her dad first, who was a drummer, and her dad passed away sometime ago.

The stash of pictures and letters was thrown in the trash long ago. He kept them for the first 1 1/2 years of our relationship. Long gone! LOL. And good riddance too.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Miss M,

I have done that before re e-mails -- not to old boyfriends, though. You can do a search for an old friend's e-mail address. The internet services will list some potential e-mail addresses. I'll e-mail the person and say, "hey is this you?"

If they do not respond, I don't e-mail more e-mails. So that is the only thing, why is she still e-mail'g if he hasn't responded?

SD

SD,

Thanks for your reply, and for shedding a light on a way this person got our email address.

I am with you. Why would she email an old boyfriend, and why 3 times now?

Octobergirl,

Too late to delete, he knows, I am so honest I already told him. Oh well, we'll see what happens next.

Thanks and will talk later, as I have to go to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Bumping ^ for more replies. 3ISACROWD? Pepper? Orchid? Anyone else have any ideas what I should do?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

SD,

Thanks for your reply, and for shedding a light on a way this person got our email address.

I am with you. Why would she email an old boyfriend, and why 3 times now?

Octobergirl,

Too late to delete, he knows, I am so honest I already told him. Oh well, we'll see what happens next.

Thanks and will talk later, as I have to go to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Bumping ^ for more replies. 3ISACROWD? Pepper? Orchid? Anyone else have any ideas what I should do?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

after all youve been through with 4 yrs of recover, and he says that to you. i just dont get it. what the he?? is wrong with people.

i would stay strong in how i felt and let him know-nicely- that this is non negotiable. no private e-mailing other women. PERIOD

and if he doesnt agree tell him you are angry for the way he feels!!

Ok,glad to hear the momentos are gone! Whew. But I wonder.Even if WH says he didn't e-mail this woman first doesn't mean he is being truthful although we hope he is.

Given his past,the appropriate response here,at least to me,is something like "I'm sorry honey,I don't know how this woman got my e-mail address. I understand how this must disturb you so I will delete her messages and never e-mail her back and I will tell you when she e-mails me so you can watch me delete them.I love you". But I want to keep the friendship he might say? No not if it upsets you.He really has no business starting or keeping a friendship with a woman if it comes between you.

So,a heart to heart talk might be in order although I know you already have spoken about it.But just be prepared.I too find it odd that this woman keeps e-mailing if supposedly he hasn't responded?

O

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hi Miss M, long time, no see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I can certainly understand your being upset and hurt, and even moreso after your husband's response. After 4 years of recovering he knows (or should know) that the correct thing to do would be to reassure his love for you-NOT get angry at you-- and not encourage any of this by responding to the emails.

You know, sometimes men behave in the strangest ways. Maybe he's a little flattered that she went to the trouble to look him up--and he's NOT interested at all, and has no intention of responding. Even so, he needs to be respectful of your feelings.

Be calm and use those "feeling" words to describe how you feel about him receiving those emails...and to describe how you felt about his angry response. When my H finally really listened to me instead of getting defensive and taking for granted that I was just angry and fixing to blast him for something that came up about the A, it was a major roadblock removed.

Good luck

Hi I am here!!!!

While reading this keep my personality in mind and things we have talked about , I don't want anyone to 2x4 me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

4 Years in recovery , so JMVHO ,,,,, THEY FORGET!

Yes I know I said those words , and how can anyone forget , but you have said, he has that personality of LETS PUT IT IN THE past where it belongs .

I think (JMHO) that some WS have moved on so much from the A that contact of the oppiste sex FOREVER is just not that same thought anymore as it was "early in recovery "

I am sure him acting as if its no biggy hurts you alot and confuses you and brings up bad triggers up his lack of understanding .

What to do ?? Have a nice dinner and talk . Maybe by saying I feel silly some times feeling this way by , this recent e-mail from an old gilfriend makes me very uncomfortable ,, and I do trust you and know that you love me and our M has over come so much , I feel your being honest and althought this may6 be harmless , she was an X so I would prefer if you did not have anymore contact with her.

Because of the feels it brings to me , I don't want to make more out of it then need be so this would help .

Something to that affect .

I belive this N/C With any oppisite sex or freindship is very diffucult . And when a M has come so far I belive it is so hard to have to keep to each and every agreement ever made after recovery was achieved .

I do agree he should stop talking to her if it upsets you in anyway or makes you uncomfortable.

And another thing I have family in bands and I think its a hard thing . With music and gigs all the time there is always solizing with alot of people and those people share the same intrest .

I know YOU would never deprive him of his music , so there are certain things that will always be there.

I would be alittle weirded out why this women popped up now? YES she may have a different agenda , (so I wouldn't trust her LOL )

BUT DO YOU TRUST HIM , ?? AND deep down are YOU satisfied with the recovery he did and done on his part .

FOCUSE the attention on the good , and communicate your best .

I am not saying let it go , cause you should feel secure . YOU ARE TO WORTHY to feel less then great inside ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Talk to ya soon !!!!! Alot going on in this world over here!

PS----TO4T HI <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BUMP ! For a good freind!

My only concern is him keeping old love letters and photos of ex girl friends.

I will admit that I kept one photo of me and an ex-fiancee that I carried into our marriage but it was the only photo of me I had when I was in my late teens other than high school albums which aren't the same thing.

I dumped all my old love letters and photos from different girls just before I got married.

Hello,

Thank you all for the wonderful responses.

SDFR,
My FWS and I have been together 19 years. He kept the pictures and letters of old girlfriends for about a year and a half. Oh yes, I saw them all and read all the letters. But he threw them out after I insisted that he at least put them somewhere where I could not see them. So that hasn't been an issue. I just remember the letters that this old gf wrote him way back when and am disturbed that she has sent him 3 emails and he has not responded to them yet. This old gf had more of a connection than my FWS did. He liked her parents more than he did her, I believe.

Okay, I just edited my first post to clarify that my H does not have all these pictures and letters. He got rid of them just before we got married. No more confusion, okay?

The only curiosity he seems to have is if her mom is still alive, how her mom is. Thanks for your concern. Sorry about people getting the wrong impression. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all for your responses, you all made me feel better.

NIKKO, you are right, but this is not happening. He will respond. He told me this last night. aargh.

TOFT, you are right. My H has never got to the point where he has lost his defensiveness about any questions I ask about the A. I don't mention it anymore. He still gets angry. Sigh.

Yeah, he needed to reassure me.

3, THANK YOU for coming out of lurkdom and answering me. You of course, were right on about everything. You always amaze me with your insight into my situation, and how you see my H point of view. Yes, we are so far down the recovery road that methinks he forgets.

I made him read this post and it did open up the avenues of communication. He did take exception to me saying he was angry about my feelings. He says he wasn't. I stand by my original post. There was some anger.

3, you are right, this woman is nothing to him. I do trust him, but I do not trust the old gf. She had a lot more invested emotionally than FWS, and has contacted him once before, after her dad died, whom my husband really cared for. This was all before we met, and just to let everyone know, this was all about 25 YEARS AGO.

You are so right on about him saying lets put this in the past where it belongs. Uncanny. Right on the money.

My opinion is that I am distrustful that she emailed him 3 times already, and sent 27 minutes worth of music. I told him she is looking to connect with him again. That he needs to be aware of that.

He has decided that he will email her back, 3 or 4 lines, tell her he is married, kids, etc. He is curious about her mom. So I said, okay, we will see where it goes from there.

We did not finish our somewhat heated discussion as the daughter came home.

So that is where we are right now. I am still not comfortable with this situation. What do you all think?

By the way, thank you for all your responses, especially TOFT and 3, thank you girlfriends, I knew you would come thru for me with those calm and rational answers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Well Miss M , I will always come out from lurking for you LOL .

I am happy to hear you did not just back off from this and you went forward to talk some more about it .

You know me some times my opion comes from left feild , I love MB'ers and think everyone here is wonderful and truely listen to everything all has to say. BUT I do not agree with all princepals .

Just because all FWS are different and should not be judged by one standard , there are many like you FWS and mine that hyaven't done some of the SAME work that others have ,but that doesn't make them any less remorsefull to what went on .

Every one deals with recovery there own way ,with the personality that they know of there FWS .

I think its great that you both have come to an agreement that he e-mails her and says I am doing great wife and kids are wonderful, hows your MOM ?

and sorry but I am not much of a chatter so take care and nice hereing from ya . END , CLOSE this chapter .

NO harm , if she isn't lokking for anything she should not give a crap to continue to e-mail him.

HE needs to be wise enough to know if those e-mails continue its a bad sign , even if HIS actions are inocent.

With everything else going on in life theres no need that even he would want to waste his time and energy making this a topic in your Marriage .

IS there anything else at all weird that he is doing or re-acting in any way ? If not then I say move on with this honey and hopefully it will close down as fast as it opened .

These DARN computers nothing but a world of trouble !!!!! LOL

I will catch ya soon , don't know if I will post it here or e-mail ya .

I don't like posting some times people get wrong imprestion of what I am trying to say . I end up getting more offended and thinking worse things then i should .

Miss M,

You know,the past has a way of coming back to haunt you.

I agree with a lot of what 3 says too BUT I am wary that your WH is going to land on that slippery slope and start something,innocently at first,but then insidiously it becomes more than it should.You both are at a crossroads here.But instead of ignoring her(xgf) e-mails and putting your feelings first,WH is e-mailing her.It's these little seemingly insignificant actions that start to snowball into hurtful behavior.

I just don't like it.The only way I can see that this wouldn't turn into anything is if he let's you see what he writes to this woman and lets you see what she writes back and then that's it.No more communication.There doesn't need to be any.Especially if it bothers *you.Once your WH starts discounting your feelings then resentment festers and well,you know what path that can lead to.

It is possible to put things in the past and focus on recovery but this has all the makings of a disaster waiting to happen.Nip it in the bud and tell him not to rekindle any type of relationship with her for your comfort and safety.

I'm sorry if this post seems overly cautious but like you,this scenario bothers me.Hmmm.Anyway,I hope all goes well.Keep us posted.

O

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miss M:
<strong>I asked him how he would feel if I recieved an email from an old boyfriend. FWS responded this would not bother him at all. He was angry at me for my feelings. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have learned that "how would you feel if it happened to you" simply does not work on some people. I don't know if they lack the imagination to really consider how they would feel or if they aren't self-aware enough to catch themselves not even bothering to put the shoe on the other foot. The fact remains that some people insist they wouldn't mind even when circumstance later proves that they would in fact mind EXTREMELY.

Anyway, I'd suggest not trying that tack again, because it just gives him an excuse to be self-righteous and angry about stomping on your feelings, since in his imagination, *he* would serenely rise above any such provocation, no matter how out of character that might actually be for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your replies, they are appreciated.

3, once again, thank you for your insight, you are seeing it from my H's side, and I hear what you are saying.

Octobergirl,

Thanks for your reply. You are right on the money. It really does feel like H is disregarding how I feel and perhaps beginning the slide down that slippery slope.

This is a bit of a scarey situation for me.There will be no problem with H letting me read his response and then perhaps hers if it comes. I am sure it will.

My gut feeling is that this ex-gf is trying to connect. We will see.

Thank you for your support of my feelings, I continue to be calm and not LB about this. Will update you as soon as I have more info. Right now all I can do is speculate, and that does me no good.

Waiting to see where the cards fall on this one.

My H is very loving and good to me these days. We have worked so hard and had such a great recovery. I pray that this will not hurt all of our hard work. H is not acting weird or out of character. I know he loves me very much.

Part of this insecurity is me. I have been struggling with my own issues and terrified of H leaving me if I cannot deal with my issues, the major one being alcohol. I am doing better with this, but still struggling. It is something that has crept up on me to the point where it is a problem. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> H has been very supportive and kind to me with this problem.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Miss M,

If you're OK with him emailing her with a short, rather impersonal message like 3 suggested, (Hey 3 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) in your presence, and then no further communication, then it's OK. If it bothers you, it's not OK. If it starts a regular communication, it's not OK.

Our gut feelings are usually pretty accurate. Three emails and 27 minutes of music sounds like more than, "hey, howya doin'" to me too. It doesn't really warrant an answer from your H, no matter how curious he is.

I'm sorry you have this "bump" in the road to deal with. I'm sure when your H thinks about your feelings in depth, he'll do the right thing.

About the alcohol thing, I understand how it can creep up on you. I drank more than usual to dull the pain of the A for months...as that pain grew less, I drank to ease the tension of the day at the office. I finally realized I wasn't solving anything, plus I was putting the lbs. back on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> You are a lovely, intelligent person Miss M and you can do the impossible. I just know it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks to all who replied. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KitG and myownself, you must have been posting at the same time I was yesterday, didn't see them until now.

KitG,

Thank you for your story, it helped me to understand a bit how these things happen. Thank you for your support and understanding on how I am feeling about this.

Am in limbo at this time. My FWS has not answered the emails yet. Personally, I hope he doesn't. So it is a case of we'll see. I don't like being in this spot.

My H is obviously much further along in recovery than I am. I will never go back to pre-affair relationship, or blindly trust. This is what is going on for me.

I have to trust him right now that he will do the right thing. He is a conflict avoider, so it might take awhile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

myownself,

You are so right about my H "being in my shoes".
He has never had the ability to do that. I shouldn't have gone there in the first place. The answer to those kind of questions from me have never made me happy. I guess I was kind of asking for it when I said that. I believe you are right on it though, when it comes down to what my H's reaction would be given the same situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Thanks for the reminder.

TOFT,

Thank you girlfriend, you brought tears to my eyes with your support of me with the alcohol problem. I can see you know where I am at. You have also given me another perspective on this. I don't feel so very bad about myself now. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's just that I never thought I would be in this spot. I have always been a very light drinker and stayed away from alcohol, as there is a history in my family of alcoholism. I have always been terrified of becoming like this. Even my mother is shocked, she told me that I was the only one that she thought would never have any problem, as I have always stayed away from this. Not now I guess.

It is funny how it all happened. I had stomach problems, and after my doctor,(ex doctor I might add) did some tests and found nothing, he told me to drink wine with my meals. Me who never even had alcohol in my house. This should have been a red flag for me. So, okay, a glass of wine, then two glasses, helped ease my tension, then 3 glasses, etc. It helped ease the tension that I feel dealing with my daughters angst, etc.

By the way, my new doctor has me on stomach medication, have been on it for a year and feel much better. The wine didn't help my stomach, I ended up in the emergency room with it. I have severe acid reflux.

So, TOFT, now I have a problem. You made me feel like I can beat this, and give me strength with your words. I have felt so bad about myself, and so worried that my H would desert me through this, but the opposite is actually true. He is trying very hard to help me and keep me accountable.

I agree with you in regards to old gf's email. It really is a how ya doin' kind of thing, which frankly has increased my stress levels. I want it to go away! WAAAAAAH! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank you for your encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hopefully all this will be over soon!

Thanks to you all!

Love in Christ,
Miss M