I just read all the posts from "This Roller Coaster Ride Sucks," started by Amy. I cried throughout my reading, and am still crying. I haven't felt this bad in a while, but today is a bad day. All of your posts just brought home how much this friggin affair does suck, and the huge toll it has taken.

Today finally is OW's last day working for my H. It has been 6 weeks since the truth slowly began emerging. He fired her the day after he told me they had an EA for months, and then I found out it was a PA 4 days later. Within the last week I have really realized how hard having her be there every day has been.

OK, so why am I so sad? H was up at 3 am, which hasn't been unusual for either one of us these days. I knew that he was upset because he would be saying goodbye to her today. He ended up going downstairs because I know he wanted to spare me having to comfort him. Frankly I don't think I was capable of doing that. This morning it was obvious that he had been crying. We talked, and I said to him, "I know this is hard for you. But it's hard for me realizing that you are crying because you have to say goodbye to your girlfriend today. I feel like I am second best, and I don't want to be second best." I told him I felt anxious about their goodbye. I asked him to not hug her. God, I hope he doesn't do that.

I'm also sad because his business partner, my good friend who was also screwed by the two of them, is moving to Florida tomorrow. I am going to H's business today to say goodbye to him. I asked him if I could go to Fla. with him. I said, "Why not divorce the H, let the OW keep working for him, I'll get half the business, and move to Fla. Bye, Bye!." Ok, it's just my little fantasy.

Like so many of you I am amazed that H could have brought this poison into our lives. Last night I was reading Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and actually felt angry. For those of you who read it, the couple Sue and Jon's story really got me mad. Sue seemed like a spoiled brat. Every consession seemed to be made by her H, the BS. And as far as LB's, isn't an A the biggest LBer of them all?

I am in such awe of all of you. Right now I am speaking of the BSs who have stuck this out, in much worse circumstances than I appear to be in. I don't think I could do what you all have done. Truthfully, if it weren't for my 2 boys I probably would have packed it in by now. This is just way too painful, and we haven't even begun recovery. As someone said, now we get to spend our lives looking over our shoulders, trying to rebuild a trust that might never be rebuilt. Yep, this sucks! Sorry for my negativity. I have chosen not to tell my family. If H regresses I will. But right now only 2 good friends know, one being partner, H's 2 sisters, and all of you. I have been carrying this load alone for a long time, until one month ago. So thanks for allowing me to vent my extreme sadness today. To have to go through this pain, brought on by someone else's bad choices, is beyond my understanding.

CV55,

I wish you well. I'm not one to give advice as I have logged on to ask for support myself but I read your post and I just wanted to let you know that someone is thinking of you, hoping for you, and wishing you all the best.

CV55,

How did the day go today? Were you able to talk to your H when he came home?

Try to keep that communication open by encouraging him to talk to you.

Hopefully things will get better now with her gone.

Well, yesterday turned out to be a very interesting day. My friend, his partner, was going to call me when he was leaving for H's business, so I could meet him there. As I was waiting for that call it became very clear to me that I needed to talk to the OW. I just knew it. If I didn't do it yesterday, I would never do it.

When I saw my friend I told him my plans and he said "If you need to talk to her, then you should." I then saw H's sister who is a BS who is recovering. She told me the same and that 1 1/2 yrs. later she has the desire to talk to the OW who she never has met.

After a very tearful goodbye with my friend I told H I was going upstairs to where offices are to talk to OW. He totally flipped out. I said, "This isn't about you or her, it's about me and my healing." He then wanted to go upstairs and warn her I was coming up. I told him "No!" So I walked upstairs and plopped myself right in front of her desk. I told her I needed to talk to her for my own healing. H immediately showed up at the door, telling OW he was sorry and saying to me, "It's not fair of you to ambush her like this." He told me not to yell. The only yelling was telling him to leave and let me talk to her. Like a robot she got up, grabbed her coat and her purse, while H is telling her not to leave. It was like a soap opera. So I very calmly said, "I can talk to you now, or I can go to the bar you hang out at, or I can talk to you at your parents' house."(where she now lives) It was amazing how fast her coat was off and she asked me where I would like to talk.

I told her "I want you to look at the face of the person to whom you caused so much pain." I then told her I knew it was a PA, not just an EA. And then I just told her everything I needed to tell her. The words just flowed.

My H tried two more times to stop me. I actually told him "Bye, Bye!" and shut the door on him. When I was done I told her I don't wish her ill will, but I'm not ready to forgive her. I hoped our paths would never cross again, and I left. I felt a total sense of closure. Whether he were to end up with her or not, I felt I could leave her behind. I have no regrets that I talked to her.

I left there feeling intense anger at H. Actually seeing how he cared for her more than me really hurt. I actually said to him while he was trying to protect her, "After the months of what you two did to me you think I'm not being fair?" Amazing! I went home, cried with a friend, and asked if I could be with her last night. I actually had to do therapy with a client. Came home, left the kids pizza money, and took off. I couldn't even stand the thought of seeing H. I ended up out until midnight and never called him. I know, major LBing, but I just didn't care. I came home and slept in the guest room. We barely talked this morning, and he left for work without saying goodbye.

I'm not into games, but I don't think I want to talk to him. I have been encouraging him to talk for months. Even about his dang feelings about OW. He couldn't even empathize with my need to talk to her. This could have been the nail in our marriage coffin. I also realize that now he truly is going through withdrawal. If anyone has ideas of how I should proceed please let me know. Yesterday, after his support of her, I really didn't even know if I wanted to try anymore. I am feeling like the love bank has run dry. It's time for him to start kicking in here. Thanks for any replies!

CV55,

I am glad you did talk to OW. However I suggest you strongly to put plan B letter and ask him to leave the house.

Hope you listen this time. It is not for him but for you ... to protect what ever love left for WH.

-rh-

cv55

Very interesting post. You didn't mention any of the OW's reactions to your "chat".

What you did may have given you some closure, and if that's so, I'd say great. I am certain you are filled with disgust at your WH's actions, but they are textbook responses, coming directly from the FOG.

Now that the smoke is clearing (not the fog, mind you), you should go right back into Plan A. This will be the most productive thing you can do. Now that she is "gone" you need to show WH that you are the better choice, but this will take a Herculean effort on your part.

The withdrawal has only begun, and will only continue in your favor with No Contact. The FOG will take about the same time to fully clear as the withdrawal. They are terribly co-related.

Don't expect miracles to happen overnight. Plan A to the very best of your ability, don't LB, DJ, or do other things that don't work in your favor, or worse yet, work against you.

Fasten your seatbelt. You have reached an important milestone, but what that really means is that you have just got off one rollercoaster, and onto another. So be prepared. Refresh your memory on all aspects of Plan A, and prepare for the ride. Plan on setbacks and dissapointments, and most importantly, work on making you a better you, so as to help him see clearly you are the better option for him.

I am somewhere between the fog/withdrawal point, and recovery beginning, and my greatest failure is being impatient, in thinking this should all go much more quickly than it does... We are 5 weeks into NC, and the fog and withdrawal emotions from my WW ebb and flow. Every day is different, and although it's agonizingly slow, the fog seems to be clearing a bit, and withdrawal seems to be less intense.

I have decided that it's going to take close to a year of recovery (after NC begins) to really decide if we can fully reconnect. I had deluded myself to think I could "control" that time frame, but other than providing a safe and loving haven for the WW, and making deposits in her love bank (3 bouquets of flowers yesterday, the first since DDay in September 03) there is little I can do to "speed" up the process. It just takes time.

I hope this helps.....

SD

I agree with Redhat. If you are feeling your love bank balance nearing zero, you must protect.

Maybe he needs to go through his withdrawl by himself. There is only so much we as BS can take. Which is why there is a Plan B.

It sounds like you have done an awesome Plan A, which is probably why your love bank balance is so low right now.

Best of luck and keep us posted. This ride does suck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But we have each other. We can do it!

Hugs and love, Amy

Redhat,
Put out your 5 stages of grieving thread link for CV.

CV,

You have done good. Kept your cool and made your point. Anger at your WS is to be expected. You see you accomplished one hurdle but more are still in front of you so he is the next one.

Read RH's link to the 5 stages of grieving. I think it is important for you to know what emotional stages may lie ahead. You may not go through them all but knowing what you could go through is helpful. You won't think you are crazy when in a few days, you want him back or something like that.

Is it time for plan B? No. You are emotionally charged right now and you need to implement a good plan B with a clear mind and a calm heart.

Simmer down for a few days. Give each other their own space. Don't do a lot for him because you can't handle it without LBing.... Let him come to you and when he does, don't be too anxious (I know you don't feel this way today) but don't be too angry. Just look sad. Talk to the wall infront of him if you need, vent here. Practice how you will handle encournters with him.

take care,
L.

RedHat and Amy, I'm not sure why you are suggesting plan B. He fired OW and she's finally out of there. If he now can finally start the withdrawal process, shouldn't I allow that to happen before kicking his butt to the curb?

Yes, at the moment I'm not feeling great love for him. I actually looked at both H and OW yesterday as being very pathetic, especially H. To be honest, until yesterday we were doing pretty good with no LBers and being very nice to each other. Seeing his fog yesterday just threw me for a loop.

SD, concerning what she had to say about our little "chat." Not very much. First of all she looked comotose. It's like she's been the one who's gone through hell for 9 months. I swear I looked better than she did, and she's about 16 yrs. younger than me. She said once, maybe twice, "I'm sorry" in a feeble voice. When I asked her if last summer when my dad was dying she gave any thought to what I was going through, as she was screwing around with my H, she said "No, I didn't think about it. I guess I was being selfish." When I said something about I can't keep them from getting together, she said, "You don't have to worry about that. I can't wait to get out of here today, and as far away from the people here as possible." Finally, this was a bit crude on my part, I was doing a little grilling on what they did sexually. So I said "H says he tried to screw you, but wasn't able." I actually wasn't quite that delicate. She said something like, "I don't know what he means. My stomach hurts. Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?" She then got up and took some pills, I think I heard she's on antianxiety meds, and went to the bathroom. So that was it. Mostly me talking! I so wish this was somebody else's life, and not mine. Oh well, get back to reality girl!

Stay with Orchid's advice. Don't do anything right now. You have gotten rid of OW. Yay!

We can only hope she's gone. H called me from work and is so pissed off at me. I said, "You sound angry. You're not angry at me are you?" Turns out she was so distraught she wasn't able to teach my sister-in-law the payroll. Now he has no idea how to do it. Do you think he gave her too much autonomy? My God, I let him have her there for one month. She couldn't teach somebody or write it down in all that time? I will not be guilted, I will not be guilted!!!! Anyway, ding dong, the witch is finally gone. Yay back to you, and high fives!!!!

CV more babble coming from his office. As for payroll? Inhouse or with a payroll service company? I used to take payroll from employers over the phone. Calculation done within our payroll system and the owners had to report employee file # hours/changes/non-auto deductions etc. Not that hard. But the hardest ones to take payroll info from were the business owners. The office were much easier to deal with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If he is trying to take his frustartions on you, let him know that help is available but of course it will require some effort. Since he is a 'smart guy' you are confident he will figure it out. Build up his ego a bit and then give the work/worry back to him. He is a bit disoriented and now frustrated. It is good to see the OW all messed up. That's her price to pay and if so she is getting of pretty cheap.

Hugz,
L.

cv55

Of course he's going to be angry, The fantasy has come to a screeching halt. He is blaming you for all the misery he is now enduring. Partly because he "knows" deep inside he hurt you, but wants no part of the blame, and partly he displaces the guilt he feels onto your back, as well. Now he has to start facing reality, that the A is over and the OW is gone, and he will continue to be angry. He, too, has changed rollercoasters. The one he was on had his emotional needs met by two people, now he's down to one person to meet them, and that person, you, is torn between meeting those needs, and throttling him. LOL

This now becomes a withdrawal from the addiction to the A, not necessarily from the OW. He will be hurting, and there will not be much you can do to comfort him for a while. SAA says 3 weeks to 6 months, and I'd be leary of the 3 weeks. Fogese will be his language, and you need to learn how to babble back, without LB's. Now is not a good time to speak of the relationship. Just let things chill out, and you will find "moments" the fog may lift a little now and then. You may find some connection at those times, but be wary, fog will pop in immediately if he feels threated. You probably won't feel like he's making ANY effort to reconnect to you, or empathize with any of your feelings for a while. You are still pulling the entire load.

Get a big bottle of chill pills, take them regularly, and relish the moments of connection and open communication as they might occur, and more importantly, don't take the fog speak to heart. THAT is not coming from your H, it's the alien that took over his body.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong> We can only hope she's gone. H called me from work and is so pissed off at me. I said, "You sound angry. You're not angry at me are you?" Turns out she was so distraught she wasn't able to teach my sister-in-law the payroll. Now he has no idea how to do it. Do you think he gave her too much autonomy? My God, I let him have her there for one month. She couldn't teach somebody or write it down in all that time? I will not be guilted, I will not be guilted!!!! Anyway, ding dong, the witch is finally gone. Yay back to you, and high fives!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmmmmm, SHE was distraught!?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Oh dear, we can't have that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In all seriousness, I know you are angry at him but please be careful right now. He is JUST NOW starting to withdraw from her and that would be a BAD MOVE to inflict any major lovebusters right now. You don't want to push him back towards her. Any lovebusters you commit now will only HELP the OW! This is the Help CV55 Program, not the Help Ho-Bag program!

One other thought.... with your love bank running near empty, go out and do something just for you, with someone you are close to. Mom, sister, best friend. And when you do it, dress up a bit, look great, and make sure WH see how great you look, and how strong and independant you have become. (which he will read as Wow, look what I almost lost for life.) But seriously, do something JUST for you, it will recharge your energy. I do the driving range, takes out HUGE chunks of frustration... LOL East to picture whatever you want on a golf ball before you strike it.....

SD

OW has been training my sister-in-law for some office work. Unfortunately the person he hired to replace OW turned out to be a real loser. As I might have posted she almost set the building on fire last Monday, and that's not the half of it. So this week he had to just forget about hiring someone and pull from any resources he has. H basically screwed up his business and our marriage. A double whammy. And let's not forget losing his partner, who was like a brother, for 16 yrs. Partner feels almost as betrayed as me. So H lost 2 main people in his small business. He is feeling very alone. All his anger was displaced on partner. Now he's gone, so I guess I'm gonna feel some heat. H's sister said OW has been like a zombie. She's going through a D, is bankrupt, for some reason has a restraining order in home she shared with her H, can't drive either of their cars, is living with parents who know nothing of what's going on, partner is sure she has a drinking problem, lost her job and future career, not to mention the promised company car, and my lovely H. Right at this moment I feel like there is some justice in the world. This moment might be brief, but they have both gotten some intense karma and I have to appreciate that.

OK, so how should I be acting. I was very nuturing throough most of this. Should I bag that for now and just be civil? Or should I try to meet some of his needs? We are supposed to start MC Tuesday. At this point will it even be beneficial? Keep the advice coming please!!!

CV55,

I am rarely disagree w/ Orchid but in this one I have to. Why ?. Just being close to your WH and watch him in withdrawal are LB'ng for both of you, the best course of action is temporary separation until he is ready to commit 100%.

There is no recovery until withdrawl is done.

I won't even discount that he will relapse to contact or even go to OW.

OW is gone (now) big deal, she could re-appear anytime ... the end goal is M recovery.

Just my 2¢. Send him away to think w/ plan B letter. Otherwise this will always overshadow your M recovery.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong>OK, so how should I be acting. I was very nuturing throough most of this. Should I bag that for now and just be civil? Or should I try to meet some of his needs? We are supposed to start MC Tuesday. At this point will it even be beneficial? Keep the advice coming please!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you choose not to do plan B. BE YOURSELF BUT NO LB. If you don't feel like fillin his ENs then don't ... don't pretend.

One word of advice ... don't expect anything right now, the worst might not be over.

-rh-

CV55, you should be busting your butt to meet his needs. Why are you so certain that contact with the OW will end? He can still reach her even tho she doesn't work for your H. What will you do if contact continues?

Have you told her parents?