WW called D and accused her of emailing OM. D said it wasn't her so WW called me. She asked if I had emailed OM and I lost my cool. She asked what I said to him and why. I said OM was a piece of *%it and and was seeing someone else. She said it was his coworker, blah,blah,blah. She then starts lecturing me that I was wrong, that she couldn't believe I'd do something like that. I then got even angrier and said she has been wrong for the last 8 months. She then said, well I'll have the divorce papers to you tomorrow. I said fine and hung up...

Boy did I ever love bust, commit disrespectful judgements, the whole gambit. Well, if she does serve me with DV papers I'm about fed up anyway. She puts OM above me even when she is no longer with him. I don't need that, I don't need her, I wish I didn't care...

I wish I could just say I don't give a &*it and end this now. But, I do care and it hurts like hell. I'm so tired of all of this...

I'm not a wealth of advice here, but I will say this: I have a temper, and if someone says something hurtful to me, I have a BAD problem of saying something hurtful back at them.

If your WW is going through withdrawal, she's already super-sensitive. She got angry--she said very angry things.

I can't promise she won't serve you with papers tomorrow, but I'm willing to bet once she calms down, it won't happen. I've thrown the "D" word around several times out of anger and frustration throughout this A my WH is having, and it's NOT what I want to do.

LL

<strong>LWH: WW called D and accused her of emailing OM. D said it wasn't her so WW called me. </strong>

Orchid: How rude. So your D didn't finger you. Why did she accuse your daughter first?

<strong>LWH: She asked if I had emailed OM and I lost my cool. She asked what I said to him and why. I said OM was a piece of *%it and and was seeing someone else. </strong>

Orchid: Did you say yes? Or is she making an assumption? When I was accused of that (I had sent an e-mail pretending to be another OW to the addy setup by the PBR - OW1 to the WS - realize that PBR controlled the WS' addy). Anyway, I said 'yes I did, I must be turning into 1 of you (while making the earie alien sound). LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<strong>LWH: She said it was his coworker, blah,blah,blah. </strong>

Orchid: Notice she didn't deny it but instead made an excuse. So you didn't say anything she didn't already know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<strong>LWH: She then starts lecturing me that I was wrong, that she couldn't believe I'd do something like that. </strong>

Orchid: Let her know there is more she needs to learn about. (reverse babble techinque) but don't give out the details.

<strong>LWH: I then got even angrier and said she has been wrong for the last 8 months. </strong>

Orchid: Ok and justified. Only 8 months? You are too kind.

<strong>LWH: She then said, well I'll have the divorce papers to you tomorrow. I said fine and hung up...</strong>

Orchid: Ok, now here is where I lose it. Were the D papers already in the works? If yes, you didn't LB. If they weren't, does she have magic D powers? Something doesn't add up.

<strong>LWH: Boy did I ever love bust, commit disrespectful judgements, the whole gambit. Well, if she does serve me with DV papers I'm about fed up anyway. </strong>

Orchid: Did you? Why? Your W called you and accused you. She made excuses for the OM. She accused your D of e-mailing the OM. Were you right to be offended and angry? Only if you are human. If you are an alien, you probably LB'd.

<strong>LWH: She puts OM above me even when she is no longer with him. I don't need that, I don't need her, I wish I didn't care...</strong>

Orchid: She is still with him. These A's are not just physical but EA as well, remember? Especially women like to hold onto their fantasies. I know you care and that is what hurts.


<strong>LWH: I wish I could just say I don't give a &*it and end this now. But, I do care and it hurts like hell. I'm so tired of all of this... </strong>

Orchid: I know, but you do so let's work with that care factor. I am sure you want this to end and for her to return back to her human body. Remember to plan A your spouse and plan B the WS.

That's the way I see it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 01:34 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I called WW back last night. I asked, Do you want a divorce? There was a long silence then she asked why. I said I need to know and then she said probably. So, what does that mean? She has some doubts about a divorce or what? I just want to know one way or another whether I should go on like this or not. My life is actually pretty good when I don't think about her. She only causes me pain when I have to think about her and the marriage. Though I'd like to just let her go, its so hard and I don't really want to...

LWH, all I can say is I'm so sorry your going through this. You are in my prayers.

Limboland sucks. I'm not in a position to give advice, I too have a spouse who can't commit. But I can empathize with you and just pray that you stay strong and take care of yourself.

Hugs.

What you need to believe is that you will survive with or without your wife. If she does not respect you or really want to be with you than your marriage is going to be a continuous emotional rollercoaster ride . Life is too short to live this way.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

Hang in there. She may still come out of the fog. It seems impossible to rebuild from here but things could change.

Sending lots of love

I posted this on my lighthouse revisted post...but i wanted you to see it..so I'm reposting here...

you know lostwith..you have made a lot of changes..yet you never show her the good changes..you just show her ones that do no good...

lost..
I know I have read your posts...
I am going to be honest and say that I believe that for a long time you have been way to focused on him and her...

that you never were able to pick a strict plan and stick to it...

that when you claimed plan B...and she had left to move in with him....you would call and give her the road condition report...and though you meant well you needed to see her interpertation of these acts of kindness....albeit warped...


and when she left you a letter filled with confusion you went dark on her...when in my opinion you should have gone stable knight standing in the corner...

I tell you this not to add to your pain...but because once again I think that if you can get your energy going in the right direction then you may stand a better chance at this...and even if you don't get back together she will see the man you have become....

Again you need to let her have glimpses and insights in to you being the stable strong dad and man...the one who is moving above this chaos..

You gotta try to see things from her side...
when you attack the OM and call him a piece of doo-doo...she has no choice but to turn that reflection back on her....

case and point...
I once called mr ark a jack-a$$...without blinking an eye he told me yeah well you married a jack-a$$...shut me up...all right...

but you see attacking the OM...attacks her and choices and her warped belief...

imagine if you could have been her friend...this last encounter...
wife I also am shocked at what he did...

letting her take the lead...
being there for her...
taking the high road and not speaking ill of the OM but letting her do it whenever she wanted and agreeing somewhat with her...

get it..lost??

well it's been a couple days...and I assume no papers have come your way...

If you want to get to a better place in this mess no matter the outcome...you are going to so to speak have to humble yourself..and crawl inside your wife's head and feel the confused heart beat inside of her...

if you slay the OM as the jerk he is...how can she ever come to grips that she chose such a jerk...

if you villify him...how do you not villify her in those attacks...

are you giving her any outs...or are you backing her into the corner...

lost with..she is in pain...and that is not to deny your pain...she is in pain...and she is ashamed ...and she is alone....

you have a lot to think about
a lot to contemplate and a lot to reflect on...
you also have some decisions to make that are of grave importance...and then you can begin to make a move...

asked, Do you want a divorce? There was a long silence then she asked why. I said I need to know and then she said probably. So, what does that mean? She has some doubts about a divorce or what? I just want to know one way or another whether I should go on like this or not.

you know if I had a two-by-four that could reach that far north...I'd surely bonk you with it...

that long silence speaks volumes...
well you definitely should not go on like this..cause you "this" does no one any good...

you my friend stand at a point of getting this back on track....
but it is in your hands...

ARK

Ark, I can see all your point about the WS. I also need to learn to see things from my WH's point of view. I am trying so hard, but with no result. Tell me how?

lostwithout

saw you on here earlier...was wondering if you had read my post..

was wondering where you are at in all of this...

was wondering if I could be any more nebbie than I am...as in neb-nose....nosey....etc...

ark...

For me to have compassion for my WH, true compassion for him as a human being, I had to let go of my pride, and control.

These are my issues. WS cannot enroll you in anything - pain, anger, fights - unless you choose to go there with them.

Set boundaries for yourself. Count to 10 before responding/replying. If you realize you are coming from a place of anger, don't respond/reply. When you do, you lose all the ground you have gained.

I calmly responded to an email from WH last night. I showed compassion, honesty, validation of his feelings.

He thanked me.

We communicated.

It was awesome.

SS

Ark ^^ and others,

Thank you for your replies. Ark^^ I have no idea where I'm at in all this right now. I don't know if you read my earlier post for the reason I emailed OMs new friend. Anyway, the reason for all of this if you hadn't read it, was I somehow read an email from OM to his new friend from work. I got the impression that they were a littly more friendly than coworkers, so I took it upon myself to write to OM's new friend. In turn, she emailed OM and he ended up calling WW. Of couse WW took his side and blew it off as just a person/coworker from work. Well, to top all this off, I forwarded email to my WW. I don't know if she read it or not, but I'm pretty sure she did. But, I think this was after our confrontation. Still, I haven't made any further contact with her or she with me. I'm not sure what I should do at this point. Should I apologize or stay dark, or do something else. I just don't know... Any suggestions....

I did read all of that...
and that's why I can't see where your actions are ones that say...

I am here still
I am sorry for your pain
I believe that you deserve better than him.
I believe that I am better than him...
etc...

You do need to decide if you are going for full out villianation of your wife....
(I believe I made up another word...villianation...as to make her the villian...and to villianize her...)

OR are you going to remind her of the good things that inside of her lost right now....

If I were you I would apologize..
sympathize and validate what I could without selling my own beliefs...
your wife is probably sad and lonely...and though much of it is of her own doing without a doubt...
she's still sad and lonely...
and if no one out here believes in her at all...how will she ever begin to believe in herself....

but that's me...
ark