Last night marriage councelling was a disaster. He was tired, in a bad mood and told the therapist that it was over. he was moving on. I thought therapist were supposed to help us recover the marriage. Well, she didn't, she just said "well, it sounds like you have made up your mind". I dont buy that for one minute. I am not giving up. Well we walked out into the parking lot and I was hysterical. I couldn't even walk, I was so weak. I did not follow this man around for 12 years of my life, give him three kids and stay faithful to him for him to give it up to another woman. A woman who only wants him for his money and status.

The rest of the story...
He says he still "loves me" but not on a sexual level. The feelings that were dormant for soo long on both parts have come back for me in full force. Unfortunately, the feelings that were dormant for him, he has given them to another woman. He wants to try to make love today after work to see what feelings come back with me. he wants to try to get the spark back. I have said that it will not happen over night, it will take a while to fall back in love.

I am now in competition with another woman for my own H love and passion. What can I do to help this along and go in the right direction. I know this man, and I know once I show him I can be a good lover again, he will see the light...Or maybe I am just wishing too much.

Any of your comments will be appriciated. Thank you!

Hmmmmm

Part of me wants to encourage you to find a way to spark up the sex life so as to try and meet his expressed need.

But I think the problem with men who grow "tired" (for lack of a better word) with just one woman is they are selfish. In other words they want more PERIOD not just more of you.

And there is only so much one can do in the way of providing variety if the variety he seeks is the thrill of someone different.

So I guess the big question I would have you ask him is "was he happy with your shared sex life early in the marriage? And if so what parts made him happy? And if not what parts made him unhappy?"

The competition part bothers me. You should be focusing on meeting his needs not on out performing OW. Getting back the spark shouldn't equate to become a better clone of the OW.

So on the one hand I want to tell you try and spice up things. And I say so because it appears to be an important need for him....one that made him stray.

On the other hand I would hate to see you become someone or do something you are not comfortable with.

Hopefully there won't be a conflict between the two. Hopefully you had a quality fulfilling sex life early in the marriage then the stresses and strains of being married kicked in.

Passionate Marriage by Schnarch deals with the sexuality of distressed marriage, you might find some help there.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...102-4874475-9032165?v=glance&s=books

Hi mom.

First of all, I've been following your posts and am so sorry to see you go through all of this. When I read your most recent one, I just had to comment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants to try to make love today after work to see what feelings come back with me. he wants to try to get the spark back. I have said that it will not happen over night, it will take a while to fall back in love. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This makes me sooooooo mad. How unromantic! How inconsiderate! How selfish!

Let's make an appointment for sex and see how you do and how I feel!

Does he not know anything about women??

IMO, it's a set-up for failure!

Sorry, but this is not the olympics or a race or a competition. The decision to give your H or your M another chance is strictly up to you...not your H.

Please don't follow him around anymore. Please don't let yourself get into some kind of competition.

IMO, It may be time for another plan to get your H off the fence.

And, I would get a new MC.

Take care of yourself and your kids momto3.

sss

Oh, it is very hurtful.. HUG. and Pray.

I think that his suggestion is NOT OK.

What do you feel about it? How did it make you feel? The title of your topic indicates you might see it as a positive thing.

How did his request make you FEEL?

You do not want to get done with what you think of as "making love," and him see as a "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am," and be more heartbroken than you feel now.

Does that make sense? He is coming at this from a totally different perspective than you are. You are seeing it as one more chance, and he might see it as proof that he feels nothing for you.

He is a WH right now, complete with fog and babble and selfishness, and NOT your best interests at heart.

You must look out for yourself. He will not be doing that for a while.

SS

Mom,

If you are in a Plan A I say it might be a good idea to have sex with him, especially if it is one of his top EN's. To do otherwise would just give him justification for his A.

BUT if he is still in contact with OW I'd make him wear a condom. Actually if he still has physical contact with OW I don't think I could personally have sex with him at all, but that's me.

If it makes you feel cheap and used then I'd say don't do it.

The part about making an appointment doesn't bother me at all, though it clearly bothered stillsosad. My H and I *do* make appointments sometimes, if it's been a while. We've found that if we wait for a "convenient" time, that convenient time may not roll around for weeks.

You're right that it will take time and he can't expect to get together tonight and base a decision of whether or not to reconcile based solely on this one time. That's just goofy.

Like everyone else has said - this isn't about out-performing OW. It's about being the best W you can be for your H, while taking good care of yourself emotionally.

Oh, and get another counsellor - one who is going to try to help you save your marriage, not one who is going to try to help you each feel good in the short term.

MOM - as much as I understand (believe me) that you feel you are in competition with the OW for your H's love - you cannot cannot approach your recovery or healing with this as your primary reason for working on your marriage.

You must plan A - simple as that - this will help your own healing and well being as well as benefit your H and your marriage. The key I think is to LISTEN. In After the Affair - the author discusses way to talk about things and that when things hit a wall and stop being constructive you just STOP right there, even if nothing is resolved because you will just get to a point of LB'ing big time. She also points out low-cost and high-cost behaviours that you can request of your spouse. For some reason I think you have this book - it is just wonderful.

In my case MOM, our sex life ignited the day after DDay - even when my H did not love me and was in love with his new "soul-mate" ! I know it sounds strange but for some reason we couldn't get enough of each other physically during this difficult time and ever since then, with our marriage fully restored,our sex life is just the best. But, I think our immediate turn to SF was our way of staying connected. So, it can be good, even without the I Love you's in place. (But believe me there were many times I had to go into the bathroom and have a little cry afterwards cause I just wanted to hear I love you SO BADLY...)

I know I'm repeating myself here, but I think your H needs to be HEARD and needs to know you will LISTEN. It needs to work the other way as well, and I know it just seems so darn unfair to be the BS and have to support the WS, but that is the way to get the gates to open. If all he thinks he's going to get is pain and hurt from you he just won't connect with you.

Come here when you are frustrated and don't take it out on your WH.

Hope this helps.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: Alberta ]</small>

It's not necessarily the *appointment* that got me. I've made *appointments* with my H too.

I guess it's that it appears this *appointment* is going to be a deciding factor for him.

How's it going to work out? He's not meeting her needs, says he wants to move on...oh I'm sure that's got mom's motor running. I would think that she is going to be so nervous and uptight that no *spark* will be there!

I agree with the others momto3 that you should do only what you feel comfortable with.

Wishing you the best.

sss

Thanks for all your commments. I really dont look at it as an appointment. We have three kids and it is so hard to do ANYTHING without them around. Last night we were very emotionally drained we could not function, not sexually, period. I think the reason he is giving me this second chance is because we hadn't been intimate in so long, that he doesn't know what it is like, and he needs to see if he can reconnect on that level. Yes, we did have a great sex life before kids, etc...but it just sort of took a 7th seat in our relationship. He knows it will not "happen" overnight. He is not seeing this OW, but he does speak to her very breifly on the phone...only 2 minutes at most. I do not know what they are talking about or whatever. I imagine OW is saying how much she loves him, etc...I did find out that this OW has been after him for a year now...and she finally won.

of course the first and most important question is how do YOU feel about being intimate with your H. Do YOU want to be close to him.

I worry about this stmt:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he is giving me this second chance </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you really think it is about him giving you a second chance? or is this stmt more reflecting how you feel about the concept? i think if you are too focused on "doing good" you are setting yourself up for disappointment. However, if this is how you feel then this is how you feel and I would not ignore those feelings. Acknowledge them and then decide what is the best course of action to take. Feelings do not have to dictate your actions.

So even if this is how you are feeling you may still very much want to be with him anyway and if that is the case i would first like to say, i think that is wonderful of you to want to give to him. that is what sex is about afterall, giving of yourself. it is a very precious gift and your ability to give to him in the midst of all this hurt is remarkable. and your should be proud of yourself. you are a very strong and loving person.

so i think the best advice to you 1. decide what YOU want. (i get the impression you want to be with him but if you really don't then DON'T.)

If you do, then relax and try to enjoy the time together. i would imagine that it will be difficult for you to turn your brain off and stop the internal stream of thoughts that is going on in your head. especially the thought that you are competing. as someone else said, this is not a compitetion!! it is about you and your H trying to connect with each other in a very special way. I pray that you can both relax enough to do just that. Let all other thoughts quiet down for a bit. there is always time for those thoughts to start up again later. I pray that this can be the start of your path towards healing together.