That's right I'm giving up on my WW found out today that she went to Portorico (or however you spell it) with the OM. My SIL told me so all gloves are off I'm done protecting my wife. I went to WW work to see if OM truck was there of course not and then I went to the his apartment to see whos cars were there. My WW is there his is not. So I called my MIL to let her know just how much her daughter has been lieing to her. I've suffered enough, time for her to face the reality of her situation. My MIL is a very religous lady. I'm going tomorrow to get a DV lawyer and get a seperation agreement. My MIL asked my WW if we could reconcile and my WW said no. I know fog talk but I've suffered through this believing that reality would set in I'm going to send her a Plan B letter and then I'm done with her. I'm still young, we have no children and she doesn't respect me. I might have put her into cake eating but I wanted to believe so bad that it would work out I don't know if my pain is over but anger has a hold of me now, but as my friend put it I will kill her with kindness. I won't LB her, I know she is going to call Monday when she gets back from her vacation and talks to her mom but I will be nice. Thanks for letting me vent

Johns98ck

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

John,
I posted to you before and gave you advice, but you don't seem to regard any of it. It is time for you to take a hard look at where you are in your life? I know it's not fair and all that crap, but you have to quit having reactions to this situation based totally on emotion. You really need to stop doing what you feel and start choosing your behavior. Telling everyone about how your W is cheating on you is not a good start.

Do you really want a D. They are painful. If you want help, I suggest you go back and look at some of the great advice on this board. But if you give up, your M will fail and you will too. Do want to take this baggage to the next M? It's time to get real and get honest with yourself. Yes you are in a tough spot. Yes your M dreams are shattered.

There are others, men and women here who have endured what seems to be endless rejection from thier WS. Look to there example. They have learned more truth about who they are and they are doing the hard work of changing themselves. They are committed and take their M vows seriously. Life does not get instantly better if you D and run away from your problems. It's your choice. You can cut and run or you can stay committed and fight. I promise you will be a better person if you choose the right thing. It's up to you.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Roman121 I was just venting, I know I love my wife I told my MIL that. I don't want a D in fact my MIL said don't be too hasty to get D so I will respect my MIL wishes. I've read the SAA. Now I'm on His Needs Her Needs. Trust me I don't want to give up but I feel my sit is hopeless, I was just wondering if I should Plan B and other people told me to expose the affair. If my WW doesn't like that well that's too bad I'm not protecting her anymore. She needs to face reality and not live in her fantasy world with out facing concenquences of her actions. My M might fail but I won't I will just move on.

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

I am glad you changed the title of your thread. I wasn't going to post if you were so in your anger that you didn't want out of it.

But I can see by you changing your title that you are seeking assistance.

The thing is, an A is an A is an A. The fact that she is on vacation with him sucks, but has anything changed? She still has feelings for this guy, she is still with him, and she is still not with you.

If you were willing to do this program yesterday, what has changed? Nothing. Your feelings are hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt and fear.

Do not make decisions from a place of anger. Go running, vent here all night and day, clean your garage or automobile or your house, play your music so loud you can't think of anything!

You must come out of the anger. Until you do, all of your decisions and perceptions will be skewed. And some things you might not be able to take back, that you might regret when you are calm.

This is all from my personal experience. Anger is a HUGE deal for me, too. In fact, I believe my WH is afraid to tell me certain things, because of my angry reactions.

For the past 6 weeks I have been working on building up his trust, that I will no longer REACT to him from a place of anger.

Does that mean I don't get mad? Yeah right! I still get mad. But I call a girlfriend, post here and let people talk me down, exercise, SOMETHING.

It will take just 1 moment of coming at him from my anger to destroy the trust I have built with him up to now.

My favorite quote from this site:

"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

And my second favorite quote from this site:

"This is not Rocket Surgery!"

Chin up, and calm down. Keep posting.

SS

Thank you SS I didn't tell my MIL out of anger. I was very nice and thoughtful to my MIL. We don't get along real well. I told her that I still love her daughter I know I need to get away from my anger, I'm feeling better now I just wish I would have took WAT advice about getting the affair out in the open and I'm now taking the advice on the Seperation Agreement. I apoligize to all who read my first post. Sorry.

John, you have better options here than to file for D. You haven't even tried Plan B yet. I would suggest you try that before you move into Plan D.

First off though, I would expose the affair whereever appropriate, ie: family members and friends. I think you told me that he is also seperated but married? Have you spoken to his W? Exposing the affair often hastens it's demise so this is an important step. You shouldn't help her hide her dirty little secret or you become an accessory to the crime and essentially enable the affair.

So, I would read up on Plan B and start working on a good Plan B letter that you can give her when she comes back. It might wake her up a bit if she thinks you won't be sitting there waiting for her to make up her mind. And ending contact with her will help you detach emotionally if you DO have to move to Plan D.

TY Melody for your level headedness. I know I don't want a D but my WW told me she wanted one (FOG). I will work on my Plan B letter this weekend and will post it here for all to read and let me know what improvements I can make. I know I need to tell her to get all of her stuff that she wants out of the house. I can't thank all of you that have posted enough. It really helps to have good people to talk to and bring me back to reality. I'm done mopeing around though I'm going to live my life and carry on. I hold tight to the fact that whoever loves me will get a better person because of these boards. Thank you all again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Roman121:
<strong>Telling everyone about how your W is cheating on you is not a good start.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Roman, I posted to you before challenging this faulty advice, but you didn't seem to regard it.

Unless you can refute the overwhelming evidence of experiences and professional advice offered on this forum to the contrary, please do not advise this again.

WAT

John - I think Mel would agree that getting financial protection for you via a separation document - that nails down your wife's offer to give you the house - is a prudent thing to do and does not have to distract from your work to salvage your marriage.

WAT

Yeah WAT I'm going to take phonebook to work with me and call lawyers and get that done. I shoulda took your advice from the begining oh well live and learn.

John - of course, it's inevitable that your wife will have to become involved and you'll need to take a posture that you're doing the legal separation to make sure there is a well defined financial boundary in order to LESSEN the unknowns and reduce the stress between you. You can stipulate in the separation YOUR desire that the marriage is preserved and the separation is expected to be temporary - but in the event that your desires do not prevail, you get the house, etc. Understand?

If the separation isn't couched correctly, she will accuse you of initiating the legal process towards divorce. She'll hide behind it, maybe. Make sense?

WAT

That's a good idea WAT I'll go along those lines. I'm just not sure if I can last an A that will go on for a year. Not getting any younger here. LOL

John, do a search on this forum for some other Plan B letters to give you an idea. It should express your love, your regret in contributing to the conditions that led to the affair, statement that her actions are threatening any remaining feelings you have for her, your desire for no contact, and a PATH BACK, ie: "when you end your affair with the OM call me and we can discuss where we both stand, but until that happens, I would respectfully request that you not contact me unless an emergency."

You Plan B pros, please help me out here with your suggestions!

Make it short and sweet and to the point. Clear and concise.

The idea here is to PROTECT you from her destructive behavior and give you a chance to detach. Often though, a WS who was sitting on the fence having her needs met by TWO people gets a rude awakening.

And thank you, WAT, for making such a good point about finances! I always forget this and you never fail to remember that important point.

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT, PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE AND STEP AWAY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


[pssssssssst, you are on the wrong thread! lol]

Ooops!

See what happens when I try to multitask??

John,
Sorry for jumping you, I just wanted you to think hard about what you want to do before you do it. As far as who you tell, just remember, if you reconcile, your family and friends will know about your W's affair. When she gets her head back out of the fog, she will feel guilt from all those people she knows.

Some would say they deserve it. I don't agree. The people who should know are those who will help you recover your M. Many accounts I have read say that family and friends will often tell you to move on because they have no idea what an A is and what it does to people. Many are unsympathetic to the WS. So please be careful who you tell. The light of day will break an A and most affairs end when the spouse is found out. I have yet to see in SAA where it says to tell everyone. I will continue to advise caution when telling others about the A. If the WS won't break out of the R, the truth of what is going on will come out. I say give the WS some time to come back before shouting it to the world. I know alot of people and the only affairs I know about are from marriges that split up. Knowing that 60% to 70% of marriages experience affairs, I'm sure that there are many I don't know about. It's your call and hang in there.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Roman121 in the long run it doesn't matter what the family thinks, it just matters what the one you love and the one who loves you thinks. A marriage is between two people (Husband & Wife)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Roman121:
<strong> John,
Sorry for jumping you, I just wanted you to think hard about what you want to do before you do it. As far as who you tell, just remember, if you reconcile, your family and friends will know about your W's affair. When she gets her head back out of the fog, she will feel guilt from all those people she knows.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Romans, actually Harley has counseled people here to "do everything short of taking out a billboard." The greater the exposure, the faster the affair will die. It should not be done maliciously, but as a means to an end. To do otherwise is to help them conceal their dirty little secret which only serves to ENABLE the affair. The BS actually becomes an accessory to the crime when they help the WS hide it.

And she should feel embarrassment and shame about her affair, that is a natural consequence of bad behavior.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Felling better this morning, not depressed not angry. Just trying to think about what to say when my WW calls on Monday after she talks to her mother. I'm not going to LB that's for sure. I actually feel like a kinda normal person today so I guess that is good. One good thing is the A diet is going good 30lbs gone. Just trying to look for positives out of this. hehehe