I am stuck, between a rock and a hard place. I have read many posts and I am just thankful I am not the only one out there going through what I am.

I have been married for 7.5 years and have 2 children, 3 & 5. My husband was diagnosed with major depression and anxiet about 6 years ago and was on social security disability for most of that. We had to sell our house because he got fired from his job. We relocated, he went through 3 schools and 3 jobs and has finally been with this current company for almost a year. He is an independent contractor and works ALL the time. I understand he needs to in order to keep his job, but that leaves me with all the house work and tending to the rugrats. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Because of my H depression, he isn't the same as he used to be and he even admits, which I am sure is inpart to the medications he is on. He doesn't make me laugh, all I feel I am good for is sex, which is very few and far between. I have no desire and I think it is more because I am tired and I don't want to make love with someone who is "dull".

Within the past 1.5 years I have been working pretty closely with a male coworker of mine. We are extremely close and I have become pretty good friends with his wife. He is a man that makes me laugh, we have fun, we go out to lunch, he fills the voids my husband leaves. After starting some online chatting when we got home and on the weekends that led to be kind of sexual, we ended up kissing. It was the BEST kiss I have ever had. To me kissing is a very passionate and sensuous thing and my husband sucks at it. So to have a wonderful passionate and sensuous kiss from the OM, that put me over the edge.

We haven't kissed since then, not because I haven't wanted to, but because "we work together". I know I can never see a future with this guy, he is 17 years older than me, but I just like the casual relationship we have or more that could come.

However, I know 110% it isn't appropriate. My and my H have been in counseling for about 4 months and we had 1 good month, rest have been so/so or downhill. Deep down I want to workds things out, but it is really hard to keep the OM out of my mind. Like others, I obsess. I think about him all night, when I go to sleep, and I dream about him.

The problem is, I can't stop seeing him. Our jobs have to work together and we are the only 2 that do it.

My H told me Sunday he was going to take me to Vegas so we could have some alone time, which we haven't had since we married. Haven't done anything. I was really excited, but now I am scared. I know divorce isn't the answer, I know an affair isn't the answer. But I want things to work with my husband more for my children's sake, not mine. I love my husband, but right now I am not "in love" with him. He touches me and it makes me cringe.

Before now, if someone told me this story and it was about them, I would wonder where their morals are and look at me now. My friends tell me how much my husband loves me and I know that, he would do anything, but there is this OM that fills so many voids that I love.

WHAT DO I DO????? I am screwed!!!!!

Hi Rebec9770,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am a WS (Wayward Spouse) and I have been where you are, I am now in NC (No Contact) with the OM. I can empathize with your emotions, and I can tell you that right now you are in what is called "The Fog".

Start reading this thread:Letting Go of OM
This thread shows a lot of us WS's that are making it thru the withdrawl of the OM and OW. There are also tons of excellent honest advice from experienced MB'ers, you will probably hear yourself in a lot of what us WS's say about the OM or OW.

Be prepared, you will get a lot of replies by very experienced people (who much are farther along in their recovery than I am.) Please accept the criticism as you are probably going to get a lot of very honest answers and most of them will be painfully frank, and definitely will not validate your A or be sympathetic of your feelings for OM.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone here and if you stick around, I promise you that things will get better. the people here are truly amazing.

mrsx

Rebec,

I’m also a FWW who was involved in an inappropriate friendship (mostly e-mail) with a co-worker at the same company. This inappropriate friendship developed to beginning of emotional affair during 3rd year. Like you, this co-worker is also much older than me (15 years). I’ve developed a strong emotional attachment and dependency towards him because of unresolved childhood issues at the time. Although there was no physical involvement (like hugging, kissing etc.), I know it was very close to that point but luckily my involvement with him stopped before it could progress that far. Currently I have NC with him – I send him a NC-letter last year, but we still working at the same company and there is always the possibility of accidental contact. I can tell you from personal experience it is very difficult to recover from residual feelings if you still see the person from time to time. During the past 2 weeks he tried to contact me again and emotionally it put me a few steps back in my personal recovery. Other than you, I don’t have any working or professional relationship with the OM. If I accidentally bump into OM I can handle it and ignore him, but I struggle with anxiety issues when it happens.

Rebec, I have been where you are, so I really understand what you’re going through. I really have empathy with your feelings, but you and I both know what happened and the ongoing contact with this co-worker is VERY WRONG and not fair towards your H. What is your chance to find a job at another company? I strongly recommend it. Personally I don’t think you have another option than to find a job somewhere else. In my opinion recovery for you and your M will not be possible if you still sees the co-worker daily and working with him closely. You can’t even stay “just friends” with this man. The boundaries were crossed and there is no turning back.

Since you still have to work with OM though, please read the following thread, maybe it will be helpfull: Advice needed on how to do No Contact at work

Here is something you can also keep in mind (copied from another thread on Emotional Infidelity at work):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HOW TO KEEP TEMPTATION AT ARM'S LENGTH

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs. Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations. That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish.

* Monitor your marriage. Realize if there is something missing. Be willing to try to fix it. Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. Be very careful of getting involved in the first place. Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.

* Don't flirt. That is how affairs start. Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.'

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office. There is safety behind the computer screen.

* Keep old flames from reigniting. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. 'Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible. You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rebec, the next step will be to tell your H about your affair if you haven't done it yet. I know it will be hard, but this is something you have and need to do. Be prepared that this will be a very big shock to your H and hurt him tremendously. It will take much time and patience for both you and your H to heal. You both need to discover what lead to the A in the first place and then both of you need to learn to fill each other’s EN’s and working on your M. For instance, I'm sure you can learn your husband to became a great kisser! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Affairs can also happen for others reasons than problems/issues within a marriage, but if you and your H can became aware of your weaknesses & vulnerabilities you can take preventive steps to avoid a situation like this again and affair-proof your marriage. For me, I know close friendships with someone of the opposite sex will never be an option for me again except if it is a friend of both me and my H and preferably another married couple where both persons is known to me an my H.

Hope my post could be of some help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />