I have many questions, as i'm sure other people do that I want to ask my WH but I'm trying to take one step at a time and thought i would pose a few questions that I want to ask my H. Yesterday I read some letters/cards he sent me while he was overseas shortly before we were married and needless to say it said things like i want to spend the rest of my life with you, we can make it through anything, etc. and a card that he gave me not more than 6 months ago that said a lot but said that he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone but me.

so what i want to ask him is (once i share the letters/cards w/him), he obviously felt this way about me at one time, what makes him think that things would be different w/her say in 10 years?

if i've changed who's to say that she won't (she's 13 years younger than he is)? I'm sure he never thought we would be where we are today (neither did I) or else he would have never married me.

why does it mean more to him when she says she'll always love him and wait for him and that they are soulmates then when I say it? I know it's the fog but what can i say to him regarding this?

i guess those are the questions that are at the forefront of my mind. I know that things will never be the same because of what has happened. I also want to tell him that I think deep deep down if he ever considers trying to work thing out that he pushes this quickly away because he thinks things will go back to the way they were and he can't put himself through that (and of course the feelings he has for the OW). did your BS ever tell you that your marriage can be better and how did that statement sit with you?

thanks in advance for reading and your input. I'm only at our house for a week (i live in another state but not because of this) and i'm trying to make the most of my time here but at the same time not rush things.

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

of course i thought of some more questions but not really to my H but to FWS. i've heard several say that it made them think or feel better to know that their BS was fighting for them but was this really what you thought at the time? i know looking back it's easier to reflect what you thought but if you're in a fog did it really help to know that you're BS was fighting for you. Did you ever tell them to get on w/their lives?

^

Morning RR~

I'm a FWW. Yes it helped tremendously to know my BH was fighting for me. My H is a very quiet man, the way he fought for me was in an instant turn around in the way he interacted with me. He began meeting my ENs, etc...

My problem though, he didn't want to discuss the A or know anything significant about it. There were times that I viewed his response as not caring I did something so awful. Like he wasn't acknowledging the gravity of it, as if it didn't matter that I nearly destroyed US as a couple.

Other than his initial reaction, he has never shown any anger over it all. In fact I've made mention to him how odd I find it that he berates me more over the check book being unbalanced.

No, I never just told him to get on with his life. I did, however tell him, I understood he had every right to leave me. I made it clear it wasn't what I wanted, that I wanted him, but still the choice was his.

Not much will get through while your H is still in fog, but continue to keep a stiff upper lip. Do things that fill up his love bank, even when it seems he won't allow it. Even little things go a long way. Take every opportunity, no matter how small, to do Plan A things.

Warmest regards,

~ad

thanks for taking the time and courage to reply to my post. my H has said repeatedly that he can't go back within the context of he doesn't want to work things out. the "impression" i have from things he has said is that he was what i needed for 10 years and that this marriage happened so that he knows what to do in a another one.

I'm glad your H kept w/you when you said you didn't want to leave. it's very interesting that you say how he gets mad at you more over the checkbook then anything else right. yes, my initial reactions were not good and I tried to overdose out of anger thinking that maybe he would see how serious i was that i didn't want to live without him BUT I did a major turn and started to do what i could to improve myself and help him understand we can work things out. now granted our conversations about working on our marriage (we haven't really talked about it) have only been a couple of times but i doing what i can to feel his lovebank.

my mom said something to me a few days ago that goes along what you said as well, she said that she is just so amazed at how i am not mad at him, or at his situation, etc. she just can't believe it. but she also says how proud of me she is because of that. i told her i'm not mad because i know that i contributed so greatly to the situation and how knowing that i had a part of making our M vulenrable that I can't be mad. I forgive and want to be forgiven as well.

i will try to do my best to take baby steps, deposit LU when I can, and make sure he knows he can feel safe with me. because he said the other day all that he wanted was to be loved, well he is loved by me, his wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the "impression" i have from things he has said is that he was what i needed for 10 years and that this marriage happened so that he knows what to do in a another one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it an impression you get, or did he actually say those words? If he said such garbage, making this marriage sound like a "test" marriage, it is fog speak if ever I heard it. It's also a rationalization for him to justify what he's doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> yes, my initial reactions were not good and I tried to overdose out of anger thinking that maybe he would see how serious i was that i didn't want to live without him BUT I did a major turn and started to do what i could to improve myself and help him understand we can work things out. now granted our conversations about working on our marriage (we haven't really talked about it) have only been a couple of times but i doing what i can to feel his lovebank</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your initial response is typical, and is to be expected. I think of my H as the anti-BS, as his reactions were so unlike any I've read on here. I wasn't a typical WW though. I came out of my fog cold turkey...my A produced a pregnancy. It was the bucket of cold water I needed to wake me up to the realities, and help me to see I wanted my H.

You don't have to make "talking about the marriage" as your only opportunity to Plan A him. In fact, that is probably the most difficult time to do it. I meant, take every single little window of opportunity to give him love units. Smile, act in a positive fashion, etc...

Also, I wanted to add...my H was terribly hurt, terribly disappointed, and I'm quite sure terribly angry. He just chose not to display those emotions past the first few hours. He has said since, that my remorse was so genuine, there was really no place or sense for him to show his hurt. He went as far as to apologize that I felt I had to keep it secret for so many months, that I was alone in it, carrying the burden without him...unbelievable!!! I believe he was so relieved to know I loved him, and that I didn't want to go anywhere, that it was so easy to forgive. He said, "all I ever wanted was to know you love me, to know you are happy, and to see you smile"

Praying things will get better for you, ((((RR))))

~ad

Thanks AD, we'll see how i am at the end of the week, after exposing the A to the OW's parents.
When I talked about the impression i got from him was because he said he heard something on the radio the other day that he thought fit our situation. that a lot of people have 1st marriages so that they know what to do or what the want in the second.

gotta get ready for camping trip. i'll check in when i get back probably tomorrow night.

back from my trip earlier than i had planned, bumping post now.