from some of the other posts i've been reading, it seems like the general consensus is that the BS should not contact the OW. i plan on trying to talk to the OW parents tomorrow night and exposing the A. however, say that don't want to talk to me, is it okay then to contact the OW? I want to make sure she knows that 1) we were never separated 2)i'm going to fight for my marriage. i would also like her to know she's in over her head and is headed for a rough ride but i guess that would be pushing things.

So if i can't talk to her parents, who knows maybe they are not even in town right now (no clue), would it then be okay to contact OW (she still lives at home w/parents)?

thanks for the input.

You are very astute.

You're correct, the general consensus is NOT to contact the OP.

HOWEVER!! I believe this consensus regards repeated contact.

See the post linked in my sig line below and the embedded link which discusses this topic.

It makes a LOT of sense to contact OP once - to set the record straight that 1) WS is married and 2) the BS wants to STAY married - contradicting two very common lies made by WSs.

Once this is communicated, further contact is likely counterproductive.

Makes sense, huh?

yes, thank you! and i will check out your link right now. other than a few words on the phone when i first found out i have not had any conversations w/the OW or even met her.

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR,
I would recommend not contacting OW. Even if you are very level headed, she may present you as the psycho to WH. Is that the image you want right now?

Here are my personal experiences:
OM #1: He & I were "friends." I felt necessary to contact him. I believe this was the day after dday #1. I confronted him in person. I came up with a pretty good line. I believe I said "if you as much as breathe the same air as my W again, I'll bring you to the gates of hell..."

OM #2: Talked to him only once in person, before I knew he was OM #2. I was actually trying to figure out if he knew anything about OM #3, whom I assumed was my current problem. I was thoroughly impressed by his ability to lie.

OM #3: Asked him, before I had any idea of what was really going on just to stay away from my wife in a really nice way. He said he would never stand in the way of a marriage. What a stand up guy he is, huh?

It's great to be me, isn't it?

My advice: Don't directly contact the OW. It will only provide the two another thing to talk about.

Ethan

...oh yes. Your contacting the OW justifies thier existence on the planet. Your issue isn't with them. It is between you and your WH.

Ethan

thanks ethan for the post and i'm not really trying to convince anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but in my position i have never met this OW, never seen her, only have had a few words w/her when i first found out. I live in another state (not because of this) so i would not even be able to have any repeated physical contact w/her. i pretty much know that calling her all the time would definitely be counterproductive.

i actually don't really want to see her or talk to her but (here is that but again) i want her to be very clear that I will fight for my M (however passive it may be by plan A, no LB, etc.) and that i am not just going to slink away even if I am in a different state! again we'll see how the exposure goes w/her parents.

hey WAT, just read the posts and other links, i'll wait to see how the exposure goes and go from there. if i'm not pushed either way i'll discuss it w/SH when i'm able to get an appt and afford it. thanks for the links though it helped me more w/what to do w/my IL's, will have to think about that more and definitely pray more.

I spoke VERY civilly with my husband's OW and with the other chick he was flirting with via email. I did my talking with them on the phone- intercepted emails with their numbers on them--
for me, it was the best thing I could have done. I learned that neither one of them had ANY emotional attachment to him at all- they were playing him as much as he was playing them (all for attention!).
You might find out he's lied about a few things. What I found out was that he'd been telling the truth, mostly. I few differances, but nothing major.

It helped me with my recovery, for what its worth

I wish I was in the OP doesn't know that my WW is married boat but since I met this guy at my WW work functions and he knows she's married probobly better if I don't contact him at all. Oh well. Besides I don't want to give them any ammo to talk about me so they can console eachother, they will just have to talk about real life issues. We'll see how long that last.

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

roughroad,
You can contact the OW if you want. However, speaking as a former OW (to 2 different men) I can tell you that she might not be honest with you.

In my case, with MM #1 (now my H) I was honest with his W. We also worked together. I NEVER lied to her.

However, I have also spoken to MM #2's W on more occassions than I would have cared to. I was not honest with her at all. I lied about even knowing her H. I would also always tell MM #2 what I had said (he even listened in on the phone w/ us twice when he was at my house) so he could concur. She even emailed me a few times. I never responded.

I guess it depends on what the OP is looking for. I had no desire to be w/ MM #2 full-time, but I did not want to quit being with him either. That is why I lied to her.

MM #1 I told the truth. I also told him upfront I would tell the truth if confronted by his W.

Fast forward 3+ years and I married MM #1 after living with him for a little over 2 years. We also now have his daughter with us full-time.

Call the OW if you feel it will bring you some closure. At least then you will know she knows the truth about your M from your own lips.

Also know that depending on what she is looking for in the relationship she may cover for your H. Good luck to you. tew aka female sargeant @ TOW

Not contacting the OP if you are a BS is for the recovery phase - when NO CONTACT is in place.

For now? It is far better to do anything you can to pour stress on their fantasy and help it crumble.

The thing NOT to do is meet her face to face if you are afraid of losing your temper.

Call her, don't threaten, see if she will talk to you. Worst case she spends the evening *****ing to your WH about how she doesn't want trouble and he spends all night dealing with placating her.

OP's require a lot of placating, big bubble buster for the WS to deal with - affairs work because reality and real-world problems aren't part of them. Once she has you explaining the facts and sees you are not an evil witch and has daddy spanking her [censored] for this things will get tense in fantasyland. That is the goal.

The ideal thing would be if you CAN be calm and she is willing to hear you out. Explain what he was telling you when it started, explain that he has been lying to you and ask her, very seriously "Look, I understand your confusion - but if he can lie to and fool his wife do you really think he is truthful to his mistress?"

If hse has either brain or soul that will leave a very large bruise and screw up his day but good.

Fight, but fight intelligently.

Yer OK, hang in there

thanks guys, i'm getting so nervous. i won't make a decision to contact her until after i have talked to her parents. if i did talk to her though it would have to be in person, it's too easy to hang up the phone!

supposedly they (my H and the OW) and some other people are going to a local theater production friday night (we'll see if that still happens after i talk to her parents). If so i just might show up at the theater and wait for them to walk out together.

Broken record time:

Chin up, back straight - you are tough enough to handle this.

If you confront them in public it is a major fantasy buster but watch your temper!

I'm serious about that - J is not violent and on D-Day she hit me so hard i almost blacked out - driving no less. Unless you are sure you can keep it together having a friend there for the confrontation would be wise to prevent you from doing something dumb.

Please listen to 2OAK, he's got some absolutely great reasons why busting this little private club of theirs is a good idea.

thanks guys! i wish spending time here was mandatory for everyone who is about to be married. you guys have been great and will try to do the best that I can. prayers to all.