MB friends:

Why am I struggling with this Plan B?

WH has STALKED me the past week (since Tuesday pm when I plan B'ed him). I have avoided all contact until today.

He finally e-mailed me at work (after calling me at the office, leaving a message on my voice mail saying he will come there and confront me in person if he has to, etc). He sent me an e-mail detailing several points...

1.) That I won't talk to the kids when they are at his house.

This was of course crazy, I had spoken to them every night, and even went over there one day to have lunch with them before Plan B. I did not talk to them last night because I was out late at a Hockey game with clients.

2.) That I do not foster or encourage proactively communication between him and the kids when they are with me.

Again, bull, as I have them call him everynight, encourage my S to call him when he is hurting from all of this, and I WAS THE ONE who suggested WH start a weekly Wednesday visitation.

3.) That his account was overdrawn.

Damn shame. Not my problem. I have not taken any funds from his account, and offered to set up his computer with quicken to track his finances, etc (this used to be one of my tasks in the household...but let's not mention how WH has spent his whole professional career in finance...so WHY he can't figure this out, who knows.

4.) That we need to go back over the budget, finances to agree upon, again, the circumstances with current bills, etc.

5.) That he is going to need to take a second job to make ends meet

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I called him tonight. We talked about the points he had raised and we agreed to meet tomorrow to go over finances AGAIN (I figure I owe it to him to get all the loose ends tied up AGAIN, so that he can have no excuse to say he doesn't know what is going on, etc).

I brought up some inappropriate conversations he had with our S, and we agreed on future action. I was especially unhapy b/c he told S that I wanted a D. He said "Well that is what you said." I said, "NO, I want to be married to my H, but I cannot do that if he insists on having a girlfriend." He said the Plan B letter sounded like I was ending it (WHAT)? I asked him why he thought that. Well it is b/c I outline how he's to pick up the kids, a couple of financial things, and do not contact me. I explained, "Well yes, but I also spend 2-3 paragraphs talking about how I believe we could repair this, could heal this, could be happy again." I then quickly wrapped up the conversation, and he sounded depressed when he hung up.

Just goes to show you how through the fog they only see what they want to see.

SO...any advice on how to handle the meeting tomorrow. Should I try and work on connecting somehow, or just try to be as disconnected as possible?

HELP. I need some expert advice (I had hoped to hold out longer than 2 days in this thing, and maybe I am making an impact)?!?!

Yes. You are making an impact. You are showing him you don't mean what you say, and not to take you seriously.

You are showing him that you will continue to meet his ENs while he has a lover. (And some ENs will be met simply by meeting with you.)

Christy, your post calls out to me, because your H is as manipulative as mine was. He is pushing your buttons. He is bringing up controversial topics that he KNOWS you won't be able to let lie quietly. As AM Martin said quite directly, you are showing him that so long as he puts up a fuss, you aren't going to stick to your guns, and that you WILL give in.

Take it from someone who did exactly what you are doing, every time my STBXH brought up something that I disagreed with, I fell for it and called him back or went over to his place make my point clear with him. I really was just giving in to him, and being one big pushover, and in the process showing him exactly how I was willing to be treated, rather than only allowing him to have contact with me if he treated me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated.

Don't give in to his taunts and button pushing. If absolutely necessary, communicate regarding the children and shared custody via a 3rd party of some sort. CUT HIM OFF from you completely, MAKE HIM experience life WITHOUT YOU, that is plan B, however amazingly difficult that it is (I am a bit of a hypocrite here, b/c I never really had the nerve to do a full and proper plan B, and my love bank got drained as a result, and in the end, my marriage ended).

Be brave. Don't contact him or go see him, UNLESS he assures you that OW is out of his life and he's ready to write the NC letter with you.

Take care,

Jen

So did you meet w/ your H???

Jen

Ugh. Do not listen to this crud from him.

He is manipulating you.

He is trying to find out if you mean what you say.

He's making threats and you're caving in to them.

Stop it stop it stop it.

And if you need an intermediary who can handle this stuff, check with Penny over at SYMC. She's setting up an intermediary service.

Please please please please please. DO NOT CAVE IN TO THIS STUFF ANYMORE!!!!!

Wow. You guys are right. I read AMM's post and it knocked the breath out of me. Seriously....I felt utterly deflated and defeated when I heard it from that perspective. I'm an idiot.

I did go to meet with him. I went over all our finances verbatim. He was singing this "I'm facing financial disaster" song. "I will need to get a second job." "I will send you as much money as I can." BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Finally, I said "You could avoid all of this and just come back home. Be a husband and a father."

He said, "I am just not ready for that."

Whatever. The love bank just took a nose dive. You know, it didn't even really hurt to see him, go through this, any of it. It doesn't really hurt anymore.

Then I tried to make the analogy that she is preying on his life, his marriage, and his family, and for what? What reward had he promised her? What benefit would there be? I told him a "good person" doesn't knowingly chase after a married family man (quick history, this woman was after him for weeks while he was in India on business...before he got involved with him he even made comments to my best friend, his manager, that this woman was "stalking" him and he couldn't get rid of her...although he admitted it was flattering. She flattered her way into his bed and his heart). He claims he has made her no promises. But I know her major reward would be passage from India to America, avoidance from a culture where women are second best, and a ticket out of that arranged marriage her family had all set up for her...but I didn't say any of that, just wrapped up our financial coversation. I told him any future questions, regarding money, the kids, ANYTHING else, needed to go through my Mom.

Thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow. Thank you for saying what is the truth, however hard it is to hear. Thank you, MBers, for your support, honesty, and friendship.

So now what? How do I undo this (if it can be undone)?

You just go on with things. Now you know why breaking Plan B doesn't work so well and you won't do it again. 'Cause if you do, we might just take a few more of those 2x4s to ya, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad it wasn't more painful than it was... but now it's time to stop that stuff. No more answering calls or e-mails, no more listening to his whining. He got his sorry self into this, he can surely get his sorry self OUT of this without messing up your finances even more. GRRR.

(I just spent two hours looking at my finances. And you know what, boys and girls? I am paying TOO DARNED MUCH FOR A SITUATION I DIDN'T CREATE. Child support, legal bills, parenting coordinator... they add up to almost as much as my mortgage, and I live in one of the highest rent districts in the country!! So just at the moment I have NO sympathy for a WS who's whining about money. None.)

Amen to that. I does kinda piss me off about the $. I am the main breadwinner (something I am realizing now pissed WH off...he wanted to be the provider...but I didn't try to outpace him, I just had a drive and a passion for what I do, and I went and did a damn good job of it), and I have stupidly agreed to absorb about 85% of the bills. He makes less than half what I do, so he cannot possible even afford to eat if I handed off more to him.

But, now I can't shop as freely, live as freely, do things as spontaneously as I used to...now I have to live ever mindful of my budget, and it pisses me off. I did not ask anyone to go out and screw up everything we had worked so hard TOGETHER to achieve.

I hear you, Just J, this sucks.

And thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Hey, just though I'd pipe in that it seems like your Plan B is having the desired effect... (NOT that I'm an expert at either of the plans)

If it was me, I'd make sure he understood the point of Plan B and get right back to it...

That's what I'd do, not what I'd advise. I'm way too emotionally fried to be giving anyone any actual advice. (Just thought I'd speak up...)

Didn't mean to punch you in the nose, Christy...well, actually...I did rather.

Well, there's nothing to do except go back into Plan B. If he tries to email you, resend the Plan B letter. Let him know you mean business.

Of course it didn't hurt to meet him -- might even have filled YOUR ENs a little. But each time he (successfully) jerks your chain, your own LB drains a bit, and should you go eventually into recovery, you won't have the steam. You'll have plenty of resentment instead.

Plan B is to protect you from the draining of your LB. And if he doesn't come back, it helps you get a head start on the rest of your life. Either way, you win.

Don't even worry about it. Lots of us Plan B'ers have fallen off the wagon.

One of us even slept with WH while in Plan B. Oooops. But you will get the hang of it, and find Plan B kind of pleasant and peaceful.

AMM, Just J, Believer, dewt, Jen...what the hell, all my MB friends:

Thanks all, seriously. From the bottom of my heart. This board is saving my life right now. You are all an answer to my prayers for insight, friendship, and well-planned directives for my life right now! I have been praying everyday for a friend that has gone through this that can help me, and silly me, God had already answered!

Thanks again! :-)

Don't read his emails.
Don't listen to his messages.
MAKE him do everything through an intermediary.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
This shows him you are capable of making changes necessary for your marriage to improve as opposed to you only saying you are working on making changes (and not doing it).

Okay, Christy, let's play hardball.

Why are you paying ANY OF HIS BILLS????