For those not in the know.... Here is thefurnitureman's story ......

Anyway, here is my question. D-Day (#3 for me! Yay!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> was approximately a month ago. WW is plowing full steam ahead with her A. Don't want to work on the marriage, blah blah. I have been in Plan A since D-Day and seen the most microscopic amount of anything from my WW. So I am going to keep on in Plan A for a while, but I am preparing a Plan B letter for the future, b/c I'm fairly certain that Plan B is going to give me my best shot at recovering my M.

I spoke with MIL last week (She's been really supportive, btw...) She said that my WW has met the OM's parents. MIL said that OM's parents said "it was ok, these things happen" or something to that effect. I'm finding that really hard to believe. His parents have been married for 25+ years. I personally can not imagine a situation in which I could bring home a married woman and my mom would be ok with it. So, I'm thinking that there's a pretty big lie in here somewhere. Either (a) OM lied to my WW about telling his parents, (b) perhaps told them & made up some horrendous story about me (I'm probably the nicest guy you'll meet, but if he paints me as an abuser or something), or (c) they told him to stay out of it (which is what my parents would do.) Of course, he wouldn't tell my WW any of these things. There's still a chance that they are OK with it, too.

That being said, I have OM's parents contact info. Here are a few questions:

- What do I stand to lose by contacting them?

- Do I damage my current Plan A by doing so?

- I realize WW may be a tad angry about this, if I contact them. What is my ideal response to that?

- Is there anything else about this sitch that I'm not thinking of?

I appreciate your replies and insight into this topic.

Ethan

Unfortunately, I don't see you gaining anything by contacting OM parents. This is between you, your wife, and to some extent, the other guy. If there are lies being told about you, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't stop every lie that's going to be told. His parents have nothing to do with you getting back together with your wife. Leave them out of it.

Ingreatpain you are wrong. Tell them tell everyone it takes the fun out of the affair. It makes it a reality instead of Fantesy. If I could find his parents I'd let them know. I'm thinking of calling the numbers I find for his name just to see if they are his parents. I was told to tell everyone just short of taking out a bill board. So do it, if you know your going to have to go into Plan B what do you have to lose.

Furniture, don't find it so hard to believe OM's parents are on board with the situation. I remember my brother taking me to meet his GF's parents. She was single and 10 yrs younger than my 18 yr married with 3 kids brother. Do you know the OW's mother said to me "what are we going to do about these two". In another words sort of joking about the situation. All I could think of was I don't know what you're gonna do but this guys gotta back to his W and kids within the hour.

I don't know the formula but I say why not put some cold water on the situation. If that is really his parents position why not at least let them know your a real person being very hurt by their son and your W's behavior. They may not be your problem but I think it will be satisfying none the less.

She was single and 10 yrs younger than my 18 yr married with 3 kids brother. Do you know the OW's mother said to me "what are we going to do about these two".
And you were visiting the ow's parents with him because? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It's one thing to not cut off someone having an affair, especially if they are family, but this seems to condone what he was doing.

My concern here is that the "damage" I inflict, will be greater than the "reward" I reap from finding out. I'm trying to weigh the +/- on doing this.

From what I've read, if you are going to do it, you would want to do it in Plan A (so that you would have a chance to do damage control). As far as responses, I've seen some posters recommend:

"I understand that you are angry."
"I can understand why you would feel that way."

Just basic validation of feelings, but not much else (no apologies, explanations, justifications, etc for the A outing).

I wish I would have spent some more time outing the A while in Plan A...now I really can't do much (as I am in Plan B). Whether it would have helped or hurt, I don't think it would have made much of a negative influence (I was MASTER Plan A person, and you see where that got me...WH left, moved out, and is full steam ahead in A, even though he admitted I had changed, was not responsible for the A, could not have been a "better person" if I tried, etc).

I think if I were you, I would go for it. But take that feedback for what it is worth...a person who did not out the affair, masterfully played Plan A, and now has not much else to show for it! :-)

There can be no greater damage than is being done right now.

If she is "okay" with the affair, then she should be okay with anyone/everyone knowing.

What do I stand to lose by contacting them?
Nothing more than you stand to lose by doing nothing.

Do I damage my current Plan A by doing so?
No. THis is not something you do to be mean. You do it in a matter-of-fact way. You are simply letting them know that you are still married and not separated, you want to remain married and you do not approve of your wife "dating".
Many times the ws will tell everyone the bs threw them out or separation/divorce papers have been filed. This sets the record straight.

I realize WW may be a tad angry about this, if I contact them. What is my ideal response to that?
She WILL get upset.
Your response will be, "I'm sorry if it upset you. I simply wanted them to know where I stand on this."
Don't argue with her about it

I'm with Chris as usual.

Yeah, they have met this poor girl who married the wrong guy and has now found her soulmate in Jr (pause for puke).

...but they have not met the earnest young man whose life is being destroyed and heart broken with the assistance of their son.

So you expose it, set the record straight and maybe ask their assistance. Worst case they don't care.

But if nothing else OM is going to be seriously PISSED about this and it is going to start an argument. Fantasyland ain't set up for thunderstorms.

..and if WW is pissed why is she mad? "Well honey if there is nothing wrong with what you are doing why do you hide it?"

Let her be pissed off. Plan A is not about being a doormat. It is about showing the WS you do love them but also that you are not giving up and are willing to fight for them.

Make things uncomfortable for OM. Anyone who can exert morality and common sense on his narrow shoulders can help - yeah, he digs his GF but her Husband is SUCH a pain. Remind me to send him flowers and a nice sympathetic note.

WS's have to keep secrets to preserve the illusion, turning on the lights and letting everyone see the truth might hurt feelings, might hurt the affair, sure doesn't hurt your effort to toss some ice cold water on OM's ardor.

well furniture man, i actually have lots to say on this having just gone through with it myself (talking to OW"s mom last week). you can read what happened when i met her mom under the GQ II questions and roughroad needs help w/exposure.

I would say do it because what if this is the one thing that wakes your WW up? i don't know what a lot of good it did by me talking to her mom but i'm glad i did it. the situation didn't unfold the way i thought it would. the OW's parents knew that my H was married the whole time, they liked him, have tried to talk to her (i don't know how much sinch she still lives at home), and her mom told me she didn't want her daughter to get hurt either. i wasn't prepared that they would be so accepting of the situation their daughter was in.

i didn't bash their daughter or my h but made it very clear that what was happening was wrong, that i was going to fight for my M, and that i love my H. overall, i think i did pretty good. was my H upset? yes, but not really the way i thought he might be. i didn't tell him what i was going to do. i didn't even tell him i did it. but he was at work and when i was leaving her house i was on my way to his work to talk to him. he called me and said "what did you do?" i got to his work and we went outside and talked.

he again asked why i did that and i said why not? i want to save our M. I did very good at not LB's, doing DJ's or AO's. he said that i've probably ruined what they had going on, i didn't say anything but was thinking like i really care. when i went to the OW's house the mom invited me in without knowing who i was (she was on the phone when she answered the door) and i was waiting in a foyer area for her to get off the phone and guess what was in there? a huge bouquet of long stem roses w/a card that said i want to spend forever w/you and it was signed by my H. i also saw pictures of them together at their house.

hell yeah i'm glad i went over there and it was one of the hardest things i've had to do in my life but i couldn't not do it if it meant it might make a difference. most of all it put a face to all this hurt and even though they knew about me and that my H was married, i made it clear that i wasn't going to give up. will they try harder to talk to their daughter now? don't know but after i left apparently the mom called the OW and told her (not sure what exactly, meaning i don't know if she told the truth of our interaction) and then apparently the OW freaked out and went to my H's work and told him (that's how he knew what i had done.)

if you want more assurance of what to do i say schedule a counseling session w/SH. plan A is about trying to meet your WS needs when and if they let you, an opportunity to not LB and make LU deposits, and most importantly END THE AFFAIR.
good luck to you and if you want to talk to me over the phone because i can truly relate, you can email me at chewey75@hotmail.com

BTW i have my first counseling session w/SH tomorrow. not sure how much he can really get from one session but it's a start until i can afford another one. the only person in my H's family that I know knows there's someone else is his mom, i don't think anyone else knows so that's something else i'm going to have to deal with. if FIL is supportive of me i'm considering asking him to call the OW's parents and talking to them or even her himself. I mean do they (my H and the OW) really expect his family to welcome her w/open arms? it remains to be seen.

Thanks for the input. We have actually had a decent day today. Email conversation, with no LBs. WW got mad b/c I ran into one of her friends, who didn't know and I told her what was going on. Friend calls her, WW thought I told her to "call on my behalf." (I didn't)

Anyway, I began IC last week. I asked my wife, if she would go and speak to my counselor on her own to identify the things that I did wrong. It sounds like she is considering it. So that's good, right? I'm going to hold off right now on contacting the OM's family because I feel like I'm making incremental progress with the WW. I don't want to take any backwards steps right now.

Ethan

In reponse to Chris' assertion about my condoning behavior. Point well taken.

WOE

In reponse to Chris' assertion about my condoning behavior
I was not necessarily "pointing" a finger but hindsight is 20/20, ain't it? (I have done the same thing with a friend) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Until you've felt the effects of infidelity, it's easy to brush it off.

You are imagining any progress you think you've made.

I went back and read your ENTIRE post in the other forum with your story. (all 11 pages! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

You cannot interpret feelings or thoughts from an e-mail. And that is apparently the jiist of your relationship right now.

You should expose this affair to everyone. Its part of the process. If you are avoiding this because you think things are going "good" then you are simply trying to skip out on the MB program. This is all part of what needs to be done.

Expose the affair to everyone. Especially those who might put pressure on the happy couple. Affairs thrive on lies and secrecy. Expose the lies and let them live out in the open.

Have you done your homework? Have you identified her needs you weren't fulfilling?? Do the EN questionaire on her behalf and work on filling those needs you think are most important.

At the same time expose the affair.

Also set a time frame for Plan A -- its not supposed to be forever. And something in your posts tells me that she will react VERY strongly to Plan B from you.

Personally -- I would advise you to expose the affair(s) immediately, followed by Plan A of meeting her most important needs for a MONTH...then send her a loving Plan B letter and GO DARK.

Good Luck!

Lexxxy,

Thanks for the input and thanks for reading all 11 pages.

Our relationship is about 90% email right now. There is some phone and some face to face contact (about once a week right now.)

I have exposed the affair to everyone, about 3 weeks ago, with the exception of the OM's parents. I am not trying to skip out on the MB program. I am trying to follow it to the letter. I have been busting my butt to Plan A as best as I can for us not living together. My WW has warmed up "some", not much, and I don't want to push her back down immediately. I am trying to paint the best picture as possible with my Plan A, before going to Plan B. That is my hesitation for calling the OM's parents.

I have done my homework, and I am trying my very best to fill the EN's she allows. I know that sometimes she will not allow me to do much.

I do have a timeframe set for Plan A. And I also believe that Plan B will have an impact, but I've read that it is best to Plan B only after doing a good Plan A, first.

Thanks again,
Ethan

Ethan,
The general consensus here seems to be to tell them. I think you've gotten some good advice.
Listen to the advice you asked for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Keep up the good work!