I am hardly into this Plan B (saw him Sat due to "finance" ?'s, which as some of you have pointed out, set me back) so it has only been Sun, Mon, and now today. How can I do this for months?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I feel uninformed. Like, I really want to hop online and check his cell phone and see if he is calling her. But I won't let myself, because it just hurts (and literally takes my breath away). I don't know why I feel the need to do this, because I KNOW that he is up her a$$ right now. Or I want to employ other methods of fact finding, sleuthing, or detective work, and it will only garner the same thing, discovery of more of the same stuff I've been watching for months. But I think this goes back to my control freak side of me, I want to somehow impact this, and I just can't. So I tell myself not to look, and silently ask God to deal with what the truth is.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I feel like ruined goods. At the same exact moment I feel like a chump for putting up with things that are UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE to any relationship, that I did not have more self respect to just kick his [censored] to the curb instantly, and then, feel like I owe it to WH to show that I meant I would love him for better or WORSE. This definitely classifies as worse.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I feel scared. The whole addiction analogy freaks me out. I can TOTALLY see how the A is an addiction, and when I see WH, he looks empty, deflated, that light that used to be in his eyes is gone. And his family fights with other addictions (alcohol, smoking, food, etc) and so I fear that he might be lost forever in this.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And that brings me to the next feeling. WORRY. I worry for WH. He has such a sordid childhood, horrifying things that he never dealt with. I KNOW THIS A is not about me, or underdelivering on this marriage (although I admit what I missed the mark on, and clearly see what ENs I was not meeting that exacerbated (sp) his issues, and clearly see now how to meet those needs). This A is about WH. It is about escape. Escape from himself...from all those demons in his heart from his past that he has never exorcised.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> So that just has me feeling more hopeless than ever. I can't fix that part of him. I wish I could. I wish I could take away all the pain and all the dissappointment and all the crap in his life. But I can't...he has to toss it out. And I can see why it would be so compelling not to face all of that, but to get lost in a fantasy love, a fantasy life, a fantasy joy. And so the addiction continues.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And so then I feel conflicted. I can't fix any of this. NONE of it. I have already fixed what I can. I faced my own demons (praise God for that). I took a good, hard look at myself and I can see now what baggage I was carrying around, and how I tried to make WH carry it (as if he didn't have his own) and I have now given it to God to carry for me. I fixed all I could...me. And of course, this is an ongoing "project," but, that is where my influence ends.

I Plan A'ed my heart out. My husband is hurting. I feel so bad for him. I hurt now, not only because if the betrayal, and the A, but now I hurt because I am losing him...because he is losing himself. The man he is. He looks sullen and empty and just destroyed. He is literally self destructing right in front of my face and I can't do anything about it.

So, do I watch in horror...or do I turn and walk away?

ChristyV,

I'll help as best I can. I can empathize with you because I have felt / am feeling a lot of the same things right now, and what I do to cope.

1.Uninformed. Stay this way. Your WS is having an A. Right now, the sordid details will carve you up. So stay away from them. You have done your part to end the A. That is all you can do. Plan B forces the OW to meet all of his ENs. Let that happen. Soon after D-Day I called my WW to have her uninstall the spyware on our PC. I didn't want it to keep sending me reports, b/c I would keep opening them. Just stay uninformed, it's a lot less painful that way.

2.Ruined goods. Get off that crap right now. 99% of people WOULD have kicked your WS to the curb. You didn't. I didn't. All of us here didn't. We're doing our best to hold the love of our M for us and our WS's. That takes way more strength then most can even fathom. These things are utterly unnaceptable to a relationship. That's why Plan B forces NC until there is NC with OP and an agreement to recovery, honesty. B/C you don't want that relationship anyway.

3.Scared. Of what? Your WS is responsible for his choices. An addiction, yes. If they beat it, they beat it, if they don't, they don't. You have offered actively and passively to help. It's up to them to accept.

4.Worry. Of course you do. I worry about my WW a lot. If you focus on #1, I've noticed that this fades a little. That's helped me.

5.Hopelessness. Your M may not make it. You have to face this. I have. It was easiest for me to look at it like this: I no longer want any part of the M that I had. My part, while loving her endlessly, undyingly had me not paying attention to some major things that pushed her away. Her side was filled with lies, cheating, deceit. I don't want that anymore. I DO still want to be married to my WW, but only if we are truly trying to make it right. You can take away the pain in his life. If and only if he allows you to help.

6.Conflicted. You have fixed / are fixing all that you can.....you. You will benefit from this, regardless of your WS. Find the strength in that.

I too, have watched my WW self-destruct. It is the single most painful thing I have ever experienced. But maybe, it's not all bad. There were parts of her that needed to go away, be torn down. Hopefully, those parts will go and the good parts will stay. Each time that she is able to drag her head up from this, I have been there, supporting, loving, believing (as have you.) When Plan B hits, she will lift her head up and not see me. It will make an impact. I feel it already has with your WH.

Do you watch in horror? You already have. Walk away. You haven't yet, why should you now? Do what Plan B offers. Protect yourself and your love (remember that YOU carry the love of your M right now) from the pain that the A inflicts. Protect that, so if recovery happens, there will be something to build off of.

Sorry for the MONSTER long reply, but this really hit home to me. I have felt everything you have, to the letter.

Stay strong. Good Luck.

Ethan

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

ChristyV I'm not a long time poster on here but you have to remember Plan B is not for him it's for you so you don't lose your love for your H but it's also so you can find that person you used to be before all this happened. That's what I want the most, I told my W that she took that person away from me and now I have to find that person again. I can't put a long post up because I'm at work and my boss is here. I'll check up on you later.

Hi christy,

They don't call it the rollercoaster for nothing.Al these feelings are par for the course and it takes a toll. Once you have been in Plan B a while longer these emotions will start to stabilize since you will no longer be on the crazy ride with your WH.It did for me and boy am I wishing I could be in it now.Ugh.

Hang in there,you're doing fine.I've read some of your other posts and you have grasped the MB school pretty well.Eveything you talked about I felt too just like ethan.I think we all do to some degree,it's normal.

The first phase of Plan B is how are you going to do it,then the second I think is,ooh this is nice,I feel stronger and then the third phase is,just how long is this going to go on(but if you are "lucky" enough to have a WS come out of the fog and work on the marriage,it might not be too long).This is a long, slow ride through he** so take care of yourself,keep posting here,get all the support you can,read,read,read,and see your counselor.You need to be healthy and strong to endure this.

O

Everyone's replies just made me cry. I just feel like I am going through the grieving process all over again.

ChristyV,

I just read this whole thread and it's exactly what I'm experiencing (except that I'm not in Plan B because I screwed it up). Your worries and fears and feelings that you posted are EXACTLY the same as I feel, and have felt, especially the one about watching our WS "self-destruct" before our eyes. I think that is the single most painful part of this whole thing for me. Mine not only has gone to OW, but has also started drinking again after being dry for 2 years (granted, never went to AA, so wasn't prepared for the stress of an A).

I do still love him. Sometimes I wish I didn't, because then it wouldn't hurt so bad.

LL

ChristyV,

Your post was so eloquent. When I try, I can write concisely, clearly, and completely. But YOUR post - was beautiful.

I have felt *everything* you felt. Especially the damaged goods, the simultaneous anger at self, fear, worry, and determination to stick by him through "worse".

Your closed your post with a question:
So, do I watch in horror...or do I turn and walk away?
You don't watch, exactly. You live to be the best "you" you can be. You enrich your life intellectually, creatively, and physically. You deal with yourself emotionally. Eventually he will come back or you will be ready to move on. That time will come, and there is no need to rush things in the interim.

You sound a lot like me - wanting to know how this will all turn out so you can plan accordingly. You can't know, so you focus on yourself until ... a fork in the road appears. Perhaps your H will be standing at that fork, asking you to walk with him. Perhaps that fork will contain a new path of independence and you'll be ready. You aren't there yet, so you don't choose just yet. Instead, focus on the journey and where you are now.