Thanks all for the words of encouragement and for heroswife for you insight. I guess i would also like to say (in case i have totally confused anyone) is that my MIL and FIL have never been anything but nice to me. The only exception is the not being allowed to sleep in the same room. but truly they have been very good to me. his mom has always sent stuff to me whether it was a framed print or a card that says how thankful she was that i married her son.

they have always been very supportive of me in everything. whether it was coming to my college graduation, nursing graduation, commissioning ceremoney (my H was TDY during this time) or sending me pictures, things for christmas and birthday. even though we are not of the same religion, his father has talked to me almost as i was. by that i mean he would be talking about something and say well RR you know what it says in the Bible, or sticking up for me when i declined to participate in the marriage ceremonies of their daughters.

but i guess now i'm thinking that with what has all happened now are they maybe changing their minds? don't know. i'm still going to call them on sunday but because my H has agreed to talk to SH on monday, i really will keep it brief, mostly just see how they are doing, etc.

hey heroswife, i know you say you wouldn't have been strong enough to take your H back if it had gone further (i'm just paraphrasing) but i guess there is some truth to the saying "you don't know how you'll be in a situation until your faced with it." well it goes something like that. but look at how strong you WERE! and ARE! it is only by the grace of God through all the prayers that i've been able to do what i have the past weeks. i guess after i was taken to the hospital after i took the bottle of pills, i just finally realized that i had just done just basically what i wanted to in my life without regard to my husband's feelings, the feelings of others, and tried to a lot of times justify what i did as what God would want (because it wouldn't happen if that's not what he wanted.)

still a lot of soul searching going on but i am starting to feel good about what i'm doing. i have started to pray also for the OW and her family for the past couple of weeks (thanks to lostnhurt for telling me that's what she was doing because i hadn't really thought of it before). these people truly have no idea about the reality of what's going on. i'm not mad at the OW or her family, if i could pinpoint one feeling it would just be of jealousy and mainly because he is my H and i didn't treat him the way I should have or he wanted and she's been in the position to do that. Anyway! hope all of you have a good easter and remember the true meaning of this special holiday. Christ died for us but he did rise again! God Bless and prayers to all of you.

well had my 4th session w/SH this morning and we mostly talked about my H and the session he had w/SH yesterday. Praise God he did actually go through with it! I'm not sure when i will be able to afford another session w/SH but it won't be at least for a couple of weeks.

SH always wants to be brought up to date (since the last session) and I told him that i talked to my IL's on sunday that we didn't talk a lot but i did manage to say that i still love their son and want to remain married to him. SH has also said that i need to initiate some kind of contact w/my H every other day. so i'm going to try email, mail, phone, etc. yesterday i sent a short note that just said that there are so many things in bloom right now (trees, flowers, etc.) and that it reminded me of the time that he (my H) took some flowers and was going to "press" them (one of his cute ideas) and he put them in one of my textbooks from college and wondered if they were still there. also that it reminded me of all the lupin flowers along the road in nova scotia where we went for our 5th anniversary and what a good trip and surprise that was. then i just said i hoped this made him smile and signed my name.

now to the session SH w/my H. SH didn't come out and tell me as much as i wanted (i wanted specifics) but i'm sure SH knows what he's doing. basically (this is a summary mind you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> SH talked how my belief system has changed because of what has happened and that my H has noticed the changes but he sees it more of a crises management. my H also talked about how he tends to keep things inside and tries to avoid conflict and SH feels that even though my H has talked to me about how he feels etc. that he doesn't think that my H has truly shared how he is feeling w/me. SH has the impression that my H isn't really sure about the R w/OW that he hasn't made any long term plans but that my H tends to think that he still needs to get out on his own no matter what.

SH assured me that whatever was talked about that the seeds were planted and that's all we can really hope for right now and that i need to continue working on me and show that my changes are genuine and for a life time. that if the M ever came up between us that i am to treat that like enemy territory and need to get away from it as soon as possible (as long as the OW is still involved). but if we do talk about us that i should validate his feelings, talk about what I (the bs) have done or realized such as not meeting his needs, that i wasn't the wife he wanted me to be, etc. because when we are dealing w/a taker (which is what my H is right now) we have to represent ourselves in a way that is not offensive to the taker. normally, my H is a giver and that dealing w/a giver can be just as difficult at times. this is because it's hard to know what they really want because they are so busy giving and not concerned w/what they will get in turn that they don't share what their needs are.

SH even gave me something to say if any R talk happens w/my H or if my H asks my why i'm doing what i'm doing or why i'm not doing something (dragging my feet w/the sell of the house). SH said to say the following: "neither of us is going to be alone and yet both of us are moving on but i've realized over the past months about the things i need to be doing differently no matter what happens here. based on my realizations i know you could be really happy with me because i know why you weren't." so i'll save that for later on.

i also talked about the possiblity of visiting my IL's next month for a couple of days for mothers day. i haven't seen their new house yet and they already might be selling it. i haven't seen a couple of the nephews that have been born and other than just seeing my MIL/FIL briefly here and there i haven't seen any of my IL's for a couple of years. it was just a thought i had and that i still wasn't sure if my FIL or other IL's knew that my H was having an A or not but thought that maybe if i talked them in person we could talk about it then. I told SH that i would say something to my MIL a long the lines of "what would you think of me coming to visit over mothers day?" she said i could still visit when i talked to her on sunday. SH said that if the first reaction is sure or yeah, etc. then do it but if it's anything but that then don't visit because they will probably see that i'm trying to impress them or manipulate them in some way. If my MIL is hesitant or says anything but sure/ok then i should say something like we'll maybe it's not a good idea, maybe steve might think i'm trying to manipulate him etc. and go from there. but whether i visit or talk to them over the phone i should talk to them or bring the subject up (the A) as if they already know.

so still got some work to do, also need try and find some $$ for more sessions. but just thought i would share this w/anyone who wants to find out what SH may talk about in his sessions and for anyone who is following my story. prayers to all of you.

RR, you did a good job. I think that we are in about the same place. Let's keep encouraging each other to go through this difficult path.

Today, I went through some old files, I found two furtune cookie reading from late Jan., when this whole thing just started. Let me share with you:

Wh's: When you speak honestly and openly, others truely listen to you.

Mine: Your path is arduous but will be amply rewarding.

funny how so many things take on a whole new meaning and how almost everything takes on a new perspective. supporting each other sounds like a good idea to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> gotta go, only have computer access at work right now but will check back tomorrow. prayers to you.

for heroswife and chris-a123 if they are lurking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR I'm happy that your H talked to SH maybe that's a start for him to come out of the A. If seeds were planted let's hope they grow and things will work out. Sounds like your session was good with SH and it's very good you were honest with your H. Stick to the plan that SH has given you, just like I'm going to stick to the plan that Jennifer has given me. I'm jealous though I like your plan better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I pray for you and everyone else here every night the same as you do, in hopes that good things happen for us. I don't know about you but I had a little doubt this morning if I was doing the right thing, but I know I am. Hang in there.

thanks tinman, BTW how long have you guys been M? didn't see that in your sig line or remember reading it anywhere. i definitely think there's pros/cons to our plans. but we can on do what we can do right? i'm actually more worried about our taxes right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> H was supposed to fax the W2 to me this am and still don't have them. i have an appt at 1245 w/an accountant. trying not to get uptight but can't help think he's doing this on purpose. oh well...stay the course and prayers to you.

Just fixed it so you can see how long we've been M and together.

thanks TM, you do have heart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

^

Rough-

Sorry I've been away so long. I've been out of town for a few days. A day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you and your pain. I'm glad you spoke to your IL's even if you didn't address the A itself. I'm sure they see your heart when you speak to them about your love for your H.

How could you not love him with every ounce of your being if you would go through all of this for him.

Can you tell us what does SH have to say about OW's parents reaction? Did he say you did the right thing in the way you communicated the A to her mom? Did he say anything about your reaction to her reaction (or lack there of)?

One other very important question: Have you ILs met OW?

no problem sweetie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you know i guess me and SH didn't really go into a lot about the OW's family. i mean i told SH what i did and what happened but it didn't really get passed that so i'll write that down for the next time we talk. NOOOOOOOOOOOO the OW has not met the IL's and I am still not convinced that my FIL that an A is going on. My H and the OW are in FL and my IL's live in NJ. I was stationed in FL and had separated from the AF there and then we were supposed to move to IL. I'm already in IL, have been since last october and he was supposed to join me after he graduated next month but......... you pretty much know the rest and now he's not even graduating next month, probably won't be to the end of the summer.

I can't remember exactly how SH said it, whether it was SH's impression or if my H actually said it but that there have been no long term plans made w/this OW and that my H is not sure about the R w/the OW but almost certain that getting out on his own is what needs to happen. I forgot to ask SH if they actually talked about the OW at all so i'm writing that down for our next session as well.

I tried to dance very carefully about saying anything about what's going on when i talked to the IL's because of what SH had recommended but also because my H was supposed to talk to SH the next day and i didn't want them to call my H and then cause him to think it wasn't a good idea to talk to SH. but anyway....... i guess my "plan" for right now is to continue what i'm doing of course but prepare more towards talking to the IL's in person next month when I visit. of course i would only be visiting giving the conditions SH stated, my suggestion to a visit has to be enthusiastically agreed to by my MIL.

the plan will continue to be readjusted as necessary given this or that happens. i started going to church after i confronted my H in feb and have been attending the same one and feel like it's where i need to be so i'll be going forward for membership on sunday. so i went ahead and talked to the pastor last night after church and basically told him what was going on. I mentioned MB and that i'm counseling w/them, he wasn't familiar w/them but totally agreed to the concept of if needs are met that anyone is vulnerable to an A. He also wanted to know if there was a plan and what it was because he didn't want to be supporting me in contradiction to what my counselor was recommending. so basically we agreed that the plan is wait and see, pray, and adjust the plan accordingly.

lots of stuff but there always will be. thanks for the quick reply once you got into town. prayers to you.

RR -

My feeling is that there hasn't really been much change. You H is still with OW but it appears he has no long term goals. So if he wants time alone then why is he with her? Chances are he does not want to be alone. Do you know if he has any issues with being alone?

If that is true then maybe your living in another state made me the most vulnerable. Makes sense to me but I might be way off target.

I'm glad you still have your head on straight you seem to be doing great considering the situation.

I'm glad to hear you have found a church home. Your church family will help you through this. One can never have too much support.

I'm going to recommend that you read the book Torn Asunder. I think you will find this helpful from a Christian standpoint. You might have already read this book. Just thought I'd mention it.

RR where you at in IL if you don't mind me asking I work in IL but live in WI.

thanks again HW, like i said i don't know if my H actually said that to SH or that was SH's impression (about being alone). I think to a certain extent he is "buying" his time. of course i don't know what's going on in his head but i am more inclined to think that he doesn't feel he can be out on his own until the house is sold and as far as i know it's not even on the market. i'm not stopping him from doing that but i'm not doing anything to help it along either (i never bring it up and don't say "well did you get the stuff fixed so we can put the house up for sale?"). SH in our last session said to treat any talk about us as enemy territory, like i'm out on the battlefield unprotected. so i don't bring anything up along those lines.

yes, i sincerely believe that he has issues w/being alone and has told me so in the past. when this really hit home is when i was deployed for OEF/OSW and he would email me or when i called him and he would say how he was just so stressed and would just be crying for no reason and just couldn't stand to be at our house alone. of course i didn't feel there was anything i could do from where i was but i did contact the health psychologist that was in the clinic i worked at back in the states and asked him to call my H. The group commander said that the hospital would counsel any spouse who needed it. he did go to counseling, a couple of times i think but don't think he thought it helped and i don't think it did either. i think he was having more of a reactive/depressive episode and when those go away he's fine. of course i wanted to spend more time w/him when i got back but felt i "couldn't" because he was either in school, at work, or in play rehearsal. when he was available he was studying or i was too tired or too occupied w/myself to even consider what was happening. of course now i know that he was just keeping himself busy because he was just so miserable at home (his words). I really feel my H needs IC from the standpoint of being his W, our M, and from a medical POV. but for our whole M any of the counselors that either one of us has seen (up until now w/SH) has been ones that were "covered" or didn't have a choice about due to our military involvement.

i don't really necessarily see a change in him, kind of hard when your 12 hours away. and he hasn't done anything else to prove to me otherwise. at the same time i'm not looking for him to change right now so i'm not expecting it. does that make sense? the important thing is that he has noticed my changes and i just need to keep w/those so that he doesn't feel i'm just in crisis management (per SH).

i can honestly say i will never be the same, i've had a traumatic experience and i can recover but i will never be the same. i can have a lot of the same qualities that i had when we were first married but my goal (one of them anyway) is to be BETTER and that's not just w/my M either. I truly feel that if i'm "better" in all areas of my life that it will easily spill over in my M. SH made sure to discuss w/my H that i have had a belief system change and i feel that later down the road I will be able to prove this and "say" what SH suggested, that i know my H could be really happy w/me because i know why he wasn't.

thanks for all the thoughts and insight and yes I know being a part of church is where i need to be. i really have known that all along but was hesitant because i knew i was never going to be in one place for a long period of time. but as i told my pastor last night, if i move in 2 months so be it, i'll just transfer again because i know this is what God would want and of course he agreed w/me wholeheartedly. haven't read the book torn assunder but if you (i've read others recommend it as well in other posts) recommend it, i'll order it tomorrow. I just thought it was more geared to be read by the WS. prayers to you all.

Tinman, i'm in southern IL, in the belleville area, about 13 miles outside st. louis, MO. I actually work in st. louis. this area just had such great things to offer. it was mid-west but still had city stuff and had opportunities for me in forensics and/or the medical field, and opportunities for my H who does theater type stuff. anyway, if you email me at chewey75@hotmail.com i'll tell you exactly where i'm living. what's your commute like?

My commute isn't bad, back country roads all the way takes about 20 min to get to work great scenery.

okay chris-ca123 where are you?

RR, just thinking of you. How are you doing today. I feel a little bit better. At least not much in my mind now. I love this feeling and hope it will last long.

RR how you doing today I hope things are good with you. I'm doing fine today keeping busy at work and have a ton of projects to do this weekend so I should be good to go with keeping busy. You take care and have a good weekend.