RR,

I've been following your story though missing pieces apparently - I only today read about your 4th session with SH.

First of all, thank goodness your H did talk with him! I'm sure SH did a great job of planting seeds without putting your H off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your note about the flowers, and pressing flowers in a textbook -- that was wonderful. It is sweet, and thoughtful, and happy, and newsy, and it forces your H to recall that there *were* good times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SH talked how my belief system has changed because of what has happened and that my H has noticed the changes but he sees it more of a crises management.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This seems to be a common fear among WS. Why didn't you "love" be before? And how do I know your changes are going to last - what if you're tricking me into coming back, so you can get lazy and go back to being exactly like you were? Then I'll be stuck again!! So your H is normal and healthy on that count <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Keep doing what you're doing and your H will see you in a better and better light. He'll also begin to realize that this is a permanent change.

Thanks for your updates. You have lots of people cheering you on.

You guys are so special and so good to me! I wish i could figure that darn link thing! but turtlehead i guess if you want to find out more or fill in the pieces, just do a search under my member number. i've been so touched coming here and of course contribute it all to God leading me here. It was very sad to read one of the new posters, liana(sp?), say she's was going to leave the MB forums and she'd only started posting. maybe we planted seeds of our own and she'll be back some day.

i hope all of you have a good weekend and by that i mean that come monday you will look back and consider it "good." whether that means having a few cries, punching a pillow, 10miles on the treadmill, going out w/friends, and sticking to whatever "plan" you're in. i'm still in this marathon and will do what i can to stay the course. prayers to all of you.

back from the weekend and hope everyone is doing well and just wanted to thank everyone for the continued prayers and wish the same to you.

RR, hope you had a good weekedn. I got some books too and walk. It made me tired, so I can sleep.

RR -

I hope you had a good weekend as well. As always I've been thinking of you.

I think you are doing the right thing by avoiding the subject for now.

Keep it up and the fog will lift.

i've got my 5th session scheduled for next tuesday. i will as always continue to post here what is discussed in the session. i hope that it helps others and also gives me a record of how things are going. i gave up writing in a journal because it was all one sided and i can type faster than i can write. prayers to all of you.

got my next session w/SH in about 30 minutes. will let you know how it goes, i feel like it's going to be a "doosey (sp?)" giving the way things seem to be going. continued prayers to all of you.

very dissappointing but i wasn't able to talk w/SH today. he was just too far behind so i rescheduled for tomorrow. my intent was to talk to SH before i talked to my H again. but he kept calling and i didn't feel i could keep putting him off. so we talked about 30 minutes will post that recap under my post on "it's coming...."

well, i had my 5th session w/SH this morning. of course the majority of the time was spent on me updating on what has happened since our last session (2wks ago). so i told Sh some of the things i have sent to my H (email, mail, and phone stuff), updated him on the conversation i had w/MIL on suday, conversation i had w/my mom on sunday about her conversation w/my H on saturday (he called her). told him about the conversation i had w/H yesterday. I wish i knew how to do the link thing to take you to where i talk about those conversation but i don't know how. you can look under this forum under my post starting "analysis appreciated.........." if you really want to know.

of course i'm going to generalize a lot of what was said but basically SH said that the only thing i did "bad" was what i said to my H when
he said he was going to have to go because he had a final in 20 minutes, i said that he has made some choices and that he chose to call me and needed to see it through. he said he couldn't be late for his final but he still had 20 minutes to talk.

so w/that i continue to learn from my mistakes, he said i'm still doing a good job w/the changes and that in the future i still need to avoid any relationship talk but that if i can't then i need to be EXTREMElY sensitive to where my H is at and not come off as being controlling or manipulative. so if he says on the phone that he has to go then i need to let him go. i still need to keep in the back of my head that what i might say might ruin any progress that i've made and what my ultimate goal is, which is to save my M.

SH had a hard time believing that my IL's were basically supporting him even if it was through their inaction. especially coming from my FIL who until this day has never allowed us to sleep in the same room when we came to their house because we were not married in the church. i think this is truly sad as well that his dad of all people is not "doing" anything about it. maybe he is talking to my H about it. I don't know. i've only talked to my FIL once since all of this came out. but the fact that my H says that his family is "happy that he's happy." makes me want to puke, again. i told SH that is was considering sending my MIL a mothersday card w/a letter and a Bday card to my FIL next month w/a letter. SH said a card is find that's it is a caring gesture but no letters.

i asked SH about a letter my mom had written to my H but stopped short at the mailbox because she just felt something was stopping her and she didn't want to destroy any progress that i've made. I gave him the general synopsis of the letter which said she was cheering for us and that i have been very domineering in our M, which i have been. that she feels my H and her have a lot in common that they don't like conforntation, they suffer in silence, wish sometimes they could say what the mean like me and my dad but most of the time she's glad she doesn't because it can really tear a person down. she said that she knew my H was in a place where he felt he has never been, w/someone that truly loves and understand you and things are new, exciting and passionate. that she remembers what young love is like and that it can make you physical body do exciting thinggs. but always w/a rainbow there is a a cloudy day.

she goes on to say that if he has been intimate w/"this young lady" that he has commiteed adultery in the presence of God, and that he has also caused this young lady great harem in her life. if this has occurred then he has hurt 2 women that he loves as well as himself. to ask this young lady who may be innocent in so many ways to enter into a relationship this way is doing her a big injustice. she says that she is speaking to him as a fellow Christian and sister in Christ if he did indeed become that way several years ago and that's why she's being bold.

she speaks about how this situation might not really be about me and my H that it might be more of trying to keep him from doing what God wants you to do (my H says he wants to teach religious history). that satan plays dirty and he plays to win and will do what he can to break people down but he can only do what we allow him to do. that if we aren't constantly on guard that satan can sneak in and put us under conditions to make choices we would never make if we were staying close to God and that she believes this is what is happening to him. satan loves to use sexual powers, he is a grand master at it. that my H plays chess and knows how the rules work, it's about outwitting the opponent and don't even realize they have been had.

she ends w/saying that God can work a miracle in his life to Lead this young lady to the Lord not to a ruined life. thanks him for being my true love and being the gentle loving person he is and for loving her as a MIL. she will continue to pray for me and him and this young lady and says that he can call her anytime to talk if he wants to.


well that's about the end of the letter from my mom and SH said if she feels like sending it again that he thinks it will be okay. that my H may dismiss it but it is Biblical in that my mom is rebuking my H but w/love and understanding, still reminding him that what he is doing is wrong but telling him that all can be overcome. that maybe it was just the timing that was causing my mom not to mail the letter that day.

i asked SH that if he could be God for one day and was to make any kind of prediction of things down the road based on what has transpired, what would he say? he said he still sees a lot of promise, that it's not hopeless, but i just need to remember at all times what the goal is and that certainly it will not hurt to expect the worse that way i won't have my cards down and just to keep doing what i'm doing.

so that's about as summarized as i could make it. thanks for hanging in there and reading what i've typed. any comments are welcome and prayers to all of you.

^

hoping for some OT comments, starting to feel like my situation is really different from others and feeling lost in all this. thanks.

rr - you're doing all the right things.

Just minimize those LBs. try to avoid them like the plague.

I have comments I'd like to direct to your FIL, but I won't waste my energy trying to be logical with a hypocrit. Just remember, some parents will stand by their children no matter what crime they commit, because to do otherwise is a reflection on them - or so they believe. This can be the only explanation for your FIL's illogical, hypocritical "righteousness." Puke.

This cuts to the bone because my in-laws were only very slightly less absurd. Fog is contagious. That said, my WS was/is a master manipulator. She could charm the eskimos into buying refrigerators.

Keep up the good work. Steve cannot predict the future - none of us can. If you stay on the moral high ground and take the approach that you will someday have to look back on your actions, no matter what happens, you will be better off in the long run. If you do this, I'm sure you'll agree with me that given a choice, I'd much rather be the BS.

WAT

WAT, thanks for taking the time to comment, i know it was a long read. of course you're right about the IL's. i had expectations of them and i was let down. i can understand about the loving your child no matter what. i guess again, secretly i was hoping that his father would outcast him and this would wake him up.

i know that steve can't predict the future it's just he didn't really give me a lot of what his impression was when he talked to my H and then given the newest info i wanted to know what he thought. i'm going to schedule an appt for next week and start trying to get more specific w/what i need to do. as my pastor says and i've heard it said here, i feel like i'm walking a tight rope. between cointinuing my changes, not being a doormat, not enabling my H, coming out on the end that i want. of course my views on what is fair is totally skewed now a days. but how am i supposed to know that what i'm doing is what is right?

like dragging my feet on the sale of the house, what conditions a D would be under (infidelity vs irreconcilable differences), do i take everything? does him thanking me for the way i've been say that i'm making things easy for him? is that going to come back and bite me? knowing my MIL doesn't want me to "fight it" will that color a bad picture of me by them to my H? so many unknowns, i'm trying to take one day at a time and of course that happens w/God's help......but you know our 11th anniversary is next month, his birthday is in july, he'll be graduating college in august, what do i do with all these?

well i gotta get some work done. thanks again for all the thoughts. prayers to all of you.

RR,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but how am i supposed to know that what i'm doing is what is right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well if you can try to focus on improving yourself so that no matter what your crazy H does (come back to the M or not), you can look back and say you did your best, you are an improved person, then you are doing what is right.

If you're trying to control the outcome of the situation then you're probably not doing what is right. I think you should pay extra attention to this for a couple of reasons:
1. You have a history of being perceived by your H as controlling
2. No WS likes to be educated or told what to do

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">like dragging my feet on the sale of the house, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let your H own this. He's where the house is, anyway. If he wants it sold, he can jolly well start the ball rolling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what conditions a D would be under (infidelity vs irreconcilable differences), do i take everything?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would try very hard not to worry about these things because there are no D papers sitting on your table. If the day comes that you get served, then hire an attorney and figure this stuff out. For now, it's wasted energy and puts you in a defeatist frame of mind. When you find yourself thinking along these lines, take a walk or do something positive for yourself. I'm not saying put your head in the sand, but don't spend a lot of energy on these thoughts right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">does him thanking me for the way i've been say that i'm making things easy for him? is that going to come back and bite me? knowing my MIL doesn't want me to "fight it" will that color a bad picture of me by them to my H? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't control how other people perceive your actions. You can't control other people's actions and how they affect your H. Let all this go. Do what your small inner voice tells you to do and leave the others to figure out their own path.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but you know our 11th anniversary is next month, his birthday is in july, he'll be graduating college in august, what do i do with all these?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Use them as great excuses to stay in contact with your H? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

RR just checking your situation, I agree with Turtlehead. Don't worry about what other people think, they don't know your plan, they have no clue. Just work on yourself for now like you have been. Are you still working out? Most of us in this situation feel the same way you do like this is hopeless. I never thought that my Plan B would work, I'm not saying it is yet but my W did contact me which I though would never happen. I believe this is some kind of progress. You never know what tomorrow is going to bring, but just live for today. Hang in there and find something constructive to do to keep your mind busy. Prayers to you RR.

RR, sorry it took me awhile to get back to you. I would say again I am quite surprised by your FIL. But I can give you a little ray of hope here. I had the support of my MIL, SIL and W's aunt all along. Well recently W went to SIL and complained about me doing x,y,z. I was not going to here of that and approached SIL. I told here this was all about OM and nothing to do with xyz. It is a smokescreen. I mean, I got off the cell phone and drove directly to SIL's house to speak to her. The result is she is now completely back in my corner. Yes, blood is thicker than water but people can't ignore the facts. So I guess the point is you've done nothing wrong and that has to come out when the dust settles. Take comfort in the truth.

I also agree with the more recent trend on your post urging you to let go a bit. For the last two years all I did was put myself inside the mind of WW. It just made her enjoy the pursuit of two men even more. In the last 6 months or so I have totally detached from what she is thinking and simply put my plan in place. I don't waiver or negotiate it at all. In fact I hardly discuss it with WW. The change has been dramatic. She is now trying to guess what I'm going to do next. The balance of power has changed dramatically in my house. It took a long time to get here but I know I'm on the right track. I'm not winning anything, I'm just trying to get my marriage back on the right track. So don't think it's a power struggle. Just try to go semi Plan B and get him wondering a little. As far as SH trying to predict the future, I can tell you I get more information from W about her discussions with SH than I get from SH. That is fine but he is very honest in his dealings with both parties. He does a great job of doing a very difficult balancing act in my opinion. Hope you get that sense of peace and strength soon. Something good will happen if you keep improving you.

turtlehead, tinman, and WOE, thanks for reading my posts and replying, it means a lot to me. sometimes i need to post and be replied to more than others, you know what i mean? i also talked to my mom this am and brought her up to speed. i hadn't talked to her since last monday night. of course she helped me realize i should feel good about what i'm doing. she still reminds me that God will see me through this and no matter what happens to cling to him. trying to do this day to day but also pray that i will be given another chance at my M, i can't help but do that.

my also said that she will probably go ahead and mail the letter she wrote to my H and that maybe he'll read it. i told her that SH gave his "blessing" to send it even though SH said my H might dismiss it, so in turn i was giving her my "blessing" to send it if she felt the timing was right and that i needed to let go more and let God's will unfold. sometimes that's easier said then done as we all BS know all too well.

i'm still working out not as much as i was but i'm still losing weight. as of last tuesday i was at a 38.2lb weight loss. i'll weigh-in again tomorrow and see where i'm at. still looking for another place to live. not having a lot of luck due to my 2 dogs but we'll see..........prayers to all of you guys.

hey chris, what's it going to take for you to read my post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> maybe it's too long?

had a 1 pound weight gain this past week. even though in the grand scheme of things it's not a lot but it's not going in the direction i want. so i need to get back in the groove again. i'll probably see my H the middle to end of june and want to WOW him again w/my weight loss. he was absolutely shocked when he saw me in march (i'd lost over 20lbs since the last time he saw me). i've lost another 10lbs since i saw him in march and hope to lose at least another 10lbs before i see him again.

anyway, just bumping this up for others. prayers to all of you.

RR,

You need an incentive! One of them is knowing that you are going to see your husband in June, BUT you should also do something for yourself and that will give YOU an incentive to keep on with the weight loss.

One thing that I did was I bought a cute little summer dress that did not fit me. I put the dress on a hanger on my closet door so that I could see it EVERY day. Every time I got tempted to eat chocolate or others stuff, I would run upstairs and look at the dress. It really helped me.

You also mentioned that you are going to a gym. I have made an effort to talk to women at my gym who I think have terrific figures and I ask them for advice. Most are very happy to help me out and I have not encountered one rude person. It actually helps me become more outgoing. I have received terrific tips on weight training, nutrition and made some new friends. ;-)

I now fit into my dress - it's a size 4!!!

Hopefully I will continue to fit into it... That's the challenge.

Do you have a girlfriend in your area that you could maybe recruit as a mentor for yourself? One of my good friends joined a 'boot camp' fitness groups and it has literally changed her life.

Just some ideas for you...

Kati

RR -

Just checking your thread.

I think it would be a good idea for your mom to send the letter. If nothing else it will show your H that you have her support. I think it will also show him that she loves him and will forgive him as well.

And for what others think: FORGET ABOUT THEM This is your life. Not theirs. You do what is right for Rough not what looks right for everyone else. You are a grown woman and you can make your own decisions. I know you are aggressive and that's where this comes into play. When someone judges you for making the decisions you have made stand up and tell them to worry about themselves and not you.

OK, now for the weight loss point. I am very proud of you. So you've lost 40 lbs?!?!?! Is that right? Good for you. Keep it up. As for an incentive I'd say do it for yourself not for your H. I got MILF'ed (slang acronym) by some college students this weekend while I was with my girls shopping. I wasn't prepared for that but it sure made me feel good. It's been a long time since I have noticed someone else notice me...cept maybe in the shower at the gym...my weight loss has been extreme and to add the boob job on top of that seeing myself naked is a shocker.

OK, so enough of that. I'm sure you are beautiful. So keep up the good work. I hope you aren't starving yourself. Lose it the hard way and it'll stay off.

Sending you hugs and loves of love!!

XXXOOOOXXXXOOOO