RR, I just read the sentence you posted to me. I stop writing now and pray for you and your H.

RR, I sent you an e-mail. Please check it when you have time.

going there now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Prayers to you always RR.

I hope you are well. Please post soon so we will know how you are.

CHIN UP! CHEST OUT! You are going to have a good day today I can feel it.

hello and thanks heroswife, hope you and yours have been well and have been thinking about you but didn't want to say "hey, HW, where are you?" because i know you went out of town are busy w/your recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i had asked that SH call me if he didn't talk to my H so that i could use the session for myself. i didn't receive a phone call so i assume that my H did talk to him, praise God. i know that it may not make a difference now but that it might down the road if seeds were planted and/or watered. i know that things may not work out between my H and i but i just have to believe that i'm doing all that i can. i know God blesses me no matter what but the fact that my H talked w/SH says a lot given the fact that i lied to my H last week about the letter he sent. but i asked God to forgive me and to help me not do it again, beat myself up over it for a day and then wrote on a post it "DO WHAT'S RIGHT !!! WWJD?" so that i'm constantly reminded.

i'll post tomorrow on my session w/SH, it's at 1130 CST. it will probably be my last, i can't afford it anymore. prayers to you, RR

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR, you said you can't afford to consel with SH. Did you check into any employee programs? I haven't make appointment with him yet, I feel that it was not very productive last time. I will give some more time for things to develope before calling him. Prayers for you.

Good morning, RR. Thinking of you and prayers for you. Hope today is another good day.

well, how good today is remains to be seen, but i'm alive and have my health and a good job. see my post on your thread.

i did somewhat look into an employee program where i work but they wanted to know more about why i wanted to see a counselor and i just don't feel comfortable w/having even more people know my problems. i work at a hospital and people are not tight lipped around here and all the patient records are on computer so just about anyone can access information.

so for now, i'll counsel w/SH today and try to do the best i can in the mean time. i think i'm going to have to start using one of my other credit cards to pay for any kind of lawyer fees which i want to be prepared for. oh well, i just don't know what else to do but to do what i can for as long as i can and i'm afraid the financial aspect of everything is going to be cutting my time short. but maybe God has designed it to be this way. i gotta go and do some serious work today. prayers to you and thanks for thinking of me.

RR, did you talk to SH yet? How did it go? I know that you are busy today. I kept praying for you.

unfortunately i got the times messed up and i thought that my appt was at 1130 but it was at 0930. fortunately they let me reschedule for 130pm so i'll be calling in a few minutes. i feel so bad that i missed the time. i especially want to talk to him to find out how the session went w/my H yesterday and this will probably by my last session for a long time. i'm just not feeling myself today. i'll let you know how it goes and thank you so much for the prayers.

RR, glad you get another chance. GOD is blessing you.

as is custom i will let you guys know how my latest session went w/SH, which was today. i think it was my 8th session and my H had his 2nd session yesterday w/SH.

also as custom SH wants to be brought up to date. i told him that i did send a letter to my H on saturday and what it read. the only other things were a card i sent to my FIL for his b-day, which is tomorrow, and that my mom had sent my H a postcard (versus sending him something he has to open).

SH said that my H took up the hour if not more in talking to him and even though nothing specific was really discussed (i'm being general here) it was more of just talking about my changes, the ideal scenario, wanting us to be happy, and planting seeds even if it's on rocks and hope that they fall through a crevis (sp?) and find some soil to germinate in. he said that my H did talk again about the changes he's noticed i've made but that if it had only been done a couple of years ago. SH said not to beat myself up over this because he doesn't know that my H would have necessarily been where he needed to be in order to be receptive to my changes at that time.

i said that is what i believe, that if my h considers at all about coming back, it's the fear that my changes won't stick that's keeping him from trying. SH agreed of course that's what my H believes and that he (SH) tried to instill into my H that i was under a different belief system at that time about love and M and that i don't have that belief system anymore, which i don't. again it was more of an academic discussion based on what is logical and what my H's logic is at this time, using emotions to predict the future.

i asked if i should call my H later this week to talk about the letter we both sent to each other and he said yes. we discussed what i would say to WH because i'm still trying to avoid "what" questions. but he said it was okay to ask "what did you think about the letter i sent?" of course depneding on what my H said i should say something along the following lines:

"i just know we have the ability to have a great future together."
"i'm a work in progress, i'm not done yet."
"Mr. Harley said something to me the other day about the ideal scenario and that is for us to be in love w/their spouse and that sums up why i'm struggling. before i ask the question if it is possible to be in love w/your spouse, i want to first find out how or what has to be done and experiment w/it before i know it's even possible."
"emotional predictions are not reliable because they don't fact in change."

if my H says that he still doens't feel that way about me or just wants to move on blah, blah, blah then i can say "i know that and that's part of the problem but doesn't change the ideal scenario. i know you would be happy w/the ideal scenario when that happens."

i asked SH if i should still do the contact every other day and he said i could probably go to every 3 days w/the amount of interaction i have w/my H. to just say stuff that is a newsbrief for lack of a better term or commentary (weather, work, something my H is interested in, etc.). i asked SH about some ideas i had about stuff to send to my H, a picture of us, the movie the family man w/nicolas cage, a photo copy of a card he sent me. SH said that if the picture was taken during a time when my H felt he wasn't happy then it would not be a good idea to send. he said that he wouldn't send the movie, even though it's a very good movie, that it deals w/kids and would make my H think more of how the last few years have been so bad. he did say that the a photocopy of the card he sent me (when we were engaged) would be a good idea w/a note that said something along the lines of:

"here's an example of how feelings can change. because how you once felt about me and now you feel differently. our feelings for each other can change but because of what we now know we have the ebaility to end up different. in addition, how we can maintain them once they become what we want them to be because i want you back knowing that i'm not the person that i used to be. "

SH said that sending my H something like the card and note every 10days would be good and still do the other contact every 3 days. so i've got some work to do.

i talked to SH about my trip to our house the end of next month and how i didn't want to be there the same time my MIL was there. SH thought that i shouldn't try to avoid my MIL. that even though she has different values and blood is thicker than water that i could use the opportunity to show my changes and re-inforce things provided i could hold my tongue. i said that's why i thought maybe i should avoid her altogether because if she was coming to our house to help get it ready to sell and i'm trying to drag my feet w/that, i wasn't sure of what i could say. SH said that it's okay just not to say anything. and to look beyond what my MIL says/does and say that "i'm not a position right now to be ready for that (sale of our house)". if nothing else not to say anything.

i figured since i had july 5th off that i could probably go down to our house on the 30th of june and wouldn't have to take a lot of time off from work. just not sure if and how far in advance i should tell my H i'm coming. i also reminded SH that our anniversary is on the 17th and what i had planned to do which was to send something to the house that said what we were doing 11 years ago today, what i love about him, and if i had to do it all over again i would. i also thought about sending something to his work. SH said that the letter was good and to do that but that sending something to his work would not be a good idea.

i asked if my mom was sending stuff to my h too often, if she should spread it out (she has sent him 3 things within the last few weeks). SH said that she should keep doing what she's doing because it's working. SH said that my H mentioned that he was glad or felt good about the support my mom was giving him and their relationship. i'm not going to tell my mom this because i don't want it to influence her in anyway and just want her to continue to listen to what God is telling her to do. but if she asks i'll tell her. God truly is amazing, i was kind of afraid she was saying too much stuff to my H but that's just silly for me to feel that way.

i discussed w/SH about what he thought the letter my H sent was supposed to mean or what his intentions were. SH said that my H doesn't want to be the bad guy and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone. that he felt my H was being sincere but the fact was that he did feel bad about what he was doing and was trying to get out of feeling bad. i told SH that some of the people on the forums have said that the WS may not be as happy as we think they are or as happy as the WS tells us they are. SH said that the WS is more in a pursuit of happiness and that they are headed towards a mirage of something they can't really see which includes the future that the BS sees.

so that about wraps the session up. regretably i don't know when the next one will be or if there will be one. the money just isn't there. i just can't keep making appts w/SH every time something happens. but i hope that people are reading about my sessions and learning what they can. i know that not everyone can afford to talk to SH and certainly i can't either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but i still have some energy left. at least to the end of august which is when i will have to have my house hold goods moved if i want to have it done for free.
i need to get back into my working out routine and continue to follow my words w/actions so when i do see my H again it will just be more reinforcement that i'm serious about my changes.

continued prayers to all, God bless, RR

RR, thank you for sharing your experience. I feel like we can share one session. Sh pretty much told me the same thing.

RR, hope today is another good day for you.

I didn't sleep too well b/c of Wh's disrespectful act last night. He just left when I came home without any discussion. Now I recall all these years, it is his disrepectful actions caused me resentment to him. I had tolerated for so long. But I don't know how to act on it. Plan B is an answer?

yep see my email and post to you, today is another day and will be a good one thanks to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i think plan B is a valid answer is AN answer but the question is whether or not it's the right answer for you right now. unfortunately there can be many right answers and that's when we need to pray for God's discernment in choosing the best right answer. i think if you plan B that it needs to be before your anniversary, by at least a week or maybe wait a week until after your anniversary. my thoughts on this is that when you get into recovery (notice i said WHEN) that you don't want anything negative to surround your anniversary. even though it may not be a happy anniversary, just the fact of having the plan B "hang" on that day i think would always leave a mark in your mind. does that make sense?

glad we could "share" the session time. do you have another session scheduled w/SH? maybe you could wait for a couple of weeks and then talk to him about going to plan B. don't know, just throwing that out there. i think that you need to involve SH in your implementation of plan B given that he has talked to your H and none of us here have. but that's JMO. gotta go, have a good day, God Bless, RR

RR, what do you do in your free time? I really have to make some plan for myself to get busy.

lost, i just posted on your thread about what i do in my free time. not sure how much it will help because i mostly go to work, go to church, and sleep. but maybe it might get you thinking about other things to do. i think starting a new thread about "things to do" would be a good idea. in fact, i think i've seen that before somewhere here on the forums about stuff to do to pass the time.

prayers to you, RR

RR, I think you can get a cell phone with long distance, usually you can get free minute for night and weekends for as low as $30/mon. If you shop around, you can get a free phone and no activation fee. So you can talk to your mom and friends as long as you want. you can get rid of the land line too.

RR, good morning.

Another good day for everyone. Mine is already bad, but I will try to make it good.

yes today is another day.
i already have a cell phone and my H is paying that bill for now. it would cost $200 to cancel that cell phone so i can't shop around right now. the phone bill i was talking about was my calling card (AT&T). i don't use a home phone. i have one but it's not mine it's my friends so i don't make any long distance calls on her phone. i was actually thinking about getting a phone card like you can buy at the store. do you think it's cheaper to use those than to use your calling card? not sure, i would have to find out more of the specifics of my calling card plan but maybe if i could get a phone card that's only 3 cents a minute maybe that would be better.

i'm going over to your thread now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i had a few more ideas of some stuff you can do. God Bless, RR