Hi Roman,

i hope you don't mind the new topic, but i have not heard from you since i posed these questions to you and you have been on my mind a lot.

so i am repeating here what was in my thread...

do you understand why Friday's are bad for you? I worry about you. i worry you are keeping it in too much. i know you can take it to God and that is a great thing to do, but i truely believe you also have to take it to you W. You have to share this pain, you have to let her see it, how else can she help you heal??? and her helping you is not only good for you it is good for her too. please think about that.

check in when you can.

FL,

I literally just signed on and saw you post. I had been preparing a note for you for the last hour. I am sorry I had not checked in sooner. However, I don't beleive in chance, but I beleive evrything is in God's timing. My W & D were going away this morning on vaca and I had to help them plus work. They will be away, but its not related to our circumstance, so don't be concerned. Thanks for your concern, I really appreciate it. I know my wife is still struggling and I really want to avoid bringing guilt upon her. I try to stay positive and just love her. Love is a choice we make even in the face of rejection. Things are improving with time. I have my tough moments and get discouraged, but the trend is up. She gets a little more loving each week. Your prayers are appreciated.

I read all your posts and replies, so I have a feel for your rollercoaster ride. Your emotions are running wild as you face an uncertain future with your H. I know how scary that feels. I remember the worry and sleepless nights. I think I went well over two years without one good nights sleep. You feel responsible and you want all this to be over. But you know running away won't solve anything. So what you are left with is a choice that you will have to make over and over again. You need a commitment that does not count the cost.

You wrote you want to be there for your H since he was there for you. I think that is a good place to start. The only problem is the uncertainty of the circumstance. You're not sure he will accept you and that he may reject you. What will you do if he rejects you or at least holds off committing to you and the M? Will you just give up? No way!! I think at this point you need to commit. I think a commitment will give you the resolve you may need to get your family through this turmoil. Maybe he needs to see your commitment. We both agree that your words mean very little to him right now. So your actions and reactions are really critical right now. You need to put your needs second.

I mentioned a cost of commitment. What are you willing to do to save this M? How far will you go? There will be a cost to you and for a time it may be very steep. I learned from my circumstance that M is not an equal partnership. In fact there are many times it is very unequal. I see M now as 100% give and no take. I'm sure many won't agree with me. But I would argue that wanting you "rights" in a M is what draws us into unhealthy addictions and affairs. But when both partners are at least committed to each other in mutual submission, the tough times can be overcome.

Also, I saw you had a little anger about the way everything is unfolding. You may be saying what happened to your resilient H. The guy who turned you around and kept fighting for your love. Trust me, he is just venting. That guy is still there, he is just sorting out his feelings and trying to make sense out of all of this. His mind is working overtime. You said he keeps a lot to himself and probably isn’t saying half of what he is thinking. I said before you need to keep the family together at all costs at least until he gets past this point. Right now you want this M more than he does, but it does not mean it is over. It just means you have to continue to endure this time and be there for him. I would say that most troubled marriages are saved by the resolve of one partner.

I know you will have many weak moments. Would it surprise you if I said that’s where God wants us. He wants us weak because that is when we come to Him and He provides the strength. You need to keep seeking God in this. You quoted the song about finding yourself. If you want to find yourself, God is the key. He will help you see things clearer than ever before. Please be encouraged, you M is a long way from ending. One way I looked at my situation was to say every day is a day closer to the day my M is restored. I wish I could say I was always that positive, but God patiently taught me how to look at my circumstance through His eyes. The eyes of God see us with hope and love. If you want a taste of God’s love, just take a look at I Corinthians 13: 4-13.

I know this is long, but I hope it helps. You can do this. I know you want to do it. You have to keep things going forward. Work through your guilt and other emotions. If your H is not supplying your needs, God can and will. Its okay to feel pain because its part of our maturing process. God will bring the comfort and grace to endure the pain. By the way, don’t forget to smile!!

Christ’s Love,
Roman

hi roman,

it does seem as though we are posting at the same time. i'm glad you are doing ok.

i just posted in my topic too...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am very tired tonight. H decided to go see a friend that wanted H to take photos of some furniture and then they are going to have a drink or two.

at one point H said we would talk tonight, i'm not sure if that is still going to happen now or not, but i'm just not going to worry about it. i'm too tired to worry about it tonight anyway. this will all be here tomorow and the next day and the next. if H really wants to talk, he will get home, if he does not, i'm ok with that. i don't really like the lack of time we have had together since this has all happened but maybe this is best for right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm really too tired to post anymore. but thanks for you note, i am sure i will read it again tomorow. although i will look up the bible reference before going to bed tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i know i have to be fully commited for the long haul. i just doubt myself sometimes, that i actually have the ability to be anything like he has been. but i won't let that doubt get to me!!! there really is no reason why i cannot be that type of person too. so thanks for the encouragement.