Hmmm I was just wondering if any of you folks that are trying to make it work after your spouses affair have reached a point where we are now.
Its been almost two years since I learned of my wife's affair and and year and a half since she had last contact with the op.
We are at a stage now where we don't talk about it at all and seem to have nothing in common other than our kids and daily activities.
She has tried hard to rebuild our marriage but I am at the point where I just don't care anymore about our relationship.
I just can't seem to get back that special feeling that I once had for her and our sex life has dropped right in the toilet as well.
We are very civil to each other but it feels like we are marking time and she is waiting for me to finally end the marriage.
I am not sure what I should be doing at this stage as we have three kids.
Will the special love I once had for her ever come back?
All I can think about is the love they had for each other and the sex that they had.
Of course the lies and badmouthing and the soulmate crap they shared also weighs heavy on my soul......any advice for me folks?

Danny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Read His needs/Her needs if you haven't also sounds like you guys need some alone time to reconnect but read the book it's good. Actually both of you read the book.

Are you familiar with the Marriage Builders basic concepts? It sounds to me like you guys may not be meeting each other's most important emotional needs. The book Tinman recommended can help with that. Also read the "How to Meet Emotional Needs" section in the Q&A column (the link to Q&A is at the top of this page). You both could also fill out the ENs Questionaire on this site. Just some suggestions...

Thanks for the replies, yes we have read His needs Her needs and After the affair and Not just friends and many more books.
We have also been to therapy, her more than me.
It just seems that I can't get over the affair and all the info I have bouncing around in my head about it.
There was so much said and done during the affair that I can't seem to move forward and forgive her for her misdeeds.
I know we are growing apart as she is tired of trying and I am tired of it all too.
We haven't discussed what I am talking about,I am scared to rock the boat so to speak.
I just feel that I can never get over what she has done, how can anyone forgive their spouse for cheating after over ten years of marriage?
I can't sem to have sex without images of them poping up in my head, she told me that she enjoyed the sex they had even though she is very very sorry for doing it.
Is it possible to ever get that love back now?
I feel trapped in a dead marriage and don't seem to know what to do next.....I guess time will be the judge of that.

Dan

Dan you are here so that is a step in the right direction, maybe you and your W should set up a counseling appointment with SH I hear he's really good. Just a thought.

Daniel,
You asked....
Will the special love I once had for her ever come back?

Normally I would say yes, but in your case, not until you forgive your W and stop living in the past. For whatever reason you are holding onto the A. Have you considered why you still think about it so much? The past is over, not even God can change it. You said she worked hard on the M. What have you done? M recovery depends on both you and your W working together to rebuild a M. Also, consider forgiveness and what it means to forgive. It means that you no longer hold the A against her. What has she done that keeps you thinking about the A?

You can have that special feeling if you want it. It does not just happen, especially after an A. Love that lasts a lifetime is a choice that we all make at some point. Because that special feeling doesn't last forever, it is fleeting. Maybe she is waiting for you to join her in recovery. Do you think a D is really the answer to your problems. You'll just take that baggage to the next M. What about your children? Do you know what D will do to them. Yes they will survive it, but then they will carry that shattered dream into thier adulthood.

I am asking you to consider an alternative route. One that will reward you if you are willing to work at it. You can have that special feeling again and you can recover your M. No it won't be the same, but it can be better than before. It really depends on you and how much you want to rebuild your M. What will it hurt? Give the alternative time to work. Take a look at the resources on this site and others who are here. Do it for your kids and your M. You can do this, but it will take committment on your part.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Good post Roman

Dan,
I just read your post amd I am really encouraged you can do this. You know the problem revolves around forgiveness. You have got to try to forgive her. You can make that choice. Everytime those thoughts come up, forgive her. I mean say it over and over. Also, when those thoughts come up, don't dwell on them, you don't have to be controlled by them. You are letting your feelings guide your life. If you choose to forgive, your heart will eventually follow. Please let your choices guide your life, not your feelings. I really think its wortha try because it should be obvious to you that what you have been doing is not working. The real truth is none of us are perfect, we all have done things that need to be forgiven.

Hope this helps,
Christ's Love,
Roman121