Help!!!

I have not spoken with WH since last Wednesday, HELL DAY, when he dolled out the most hurtful, awful, cruel, damaging comments I have EVER heard in my ENTIRE life. When I fell off of the Plan B wagon, I did it under the guise of a "financial discussion" that my WH asked for. Which then turned into the 3-hour long conversation, I like to call "Why Christy has made my entire adult life a living hell-- by WH"

SOOOOOOO...he just called my work. ****! Why???????? He knows not to call me. He wanted to confirm he was still supposed to get the kids tonight. NO **** SHERLOCK!!!!! Come on. We had already talked about this stuff in GREAT, GREAT detail.

So, should I shoot him a short e-mail saying "Got your voice mail. Kids are looking forward to seeing you tonight. Have them home by 9"

I HATE THIS. I WANT TO TALK TO HIM. BE WITH HIM. TAKE THE BAIT. But, I also know that I can't if I want a chance of hell in not HATING him, and potentially healing my marriage.

HELPPPPPPPPPPP!

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

DOOOOONNNNNN'TTTTTTT pick up that phone!!!!

IF,and I mean IF,there is ANY doubt about this pick up time for the kids then send a very short and curt e-mail that says yes get the kids tonight have them home by 9pm.Thanks.THE END.

Christy,if you contact him again especially by phone it is going to be painful,just don't do it.Trust me I know.Because you have kids you do need to have messages sent back and forth like I do and if you have no one else to do this for you keep it to short brief e-mails.

He's testing you and being selfish and disrespectful so don't fall for it!!

O

Ah Octobergirl you stole my thunder. That's exactly what I was going to say. Jennifer told me that if there needs to be contact have my W send me an Email. So if WS does say something that upsets you it's easy to walk away from the email and come back and respond later.

Sorry Tinman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So you want to be with him, eh? You mean you didn't get enough last week? You thought another convo like that would be fun?

Do you like the OW that much? You want to be a threesome again?

Whenever you pick up the phone to call him, think of OW. Think that she is still in the picture. Think of him talking to you, then going back to her.

The guy you want back you can't have for now.

But there is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO doubt that he is supposed to get them tonight. NONE. We have spoken about kids/drop off/pick up ad naseum.

BUT...last time I dodged him at work, he got really aggressive, told me he would come here if he had to, and then made comments about how he was very concerned that I am not taking measures to keep the lines of communication open "for the welfare of the children." Almost sounded legalistic, like I was putting them in jeapordy by minimimzing contact with him. And then insinuated that I was influencing the kids to also stay out of contact with him, which was TOTALLY not true, as I ask them to call him nightly.

Christy STOP IT!!!!! Yet again he's trying to suck you in. Are you going to let him? Do you want this to be a weekly thing. He made his bed let him lay in it, if your H can't realize that this is his fault and he put you in this situation where you had to go into Plan B let him deal with it. Jennifer said this plan isn't just for you or your H alone it's for both of you. Stay strong Christy, stand by your guns.

So, hardcore Plan B'ers...is a curt e-mail enough? He has already called my bluff and won on this front a couple of times.

Uh Oh.

Christy,

I hope that you have started documenting things that transpire between you and your WH.From what you said he sounds like he may be the type to use the children to his benefit and even so much so as to try and portray you as an unfit parent.Be careful.He could be just bluffing but when a WS starts trying to use the kids in an inappropriate way,I see red flags.This could be just the tip of the iceberg.But with a WS you never know to what depths they will go to justify their behavior.

If you know for certain that there is NOOOO doubt about pick up then do not e-mail him in return.Do not engage in his power struggle.He doesn't like the fact that you are shutting him down so he's going to be mad.That is the worst time to have ANY contact whatsoever.Let him implode first before ever talking to a WS that is mad.Unless you are an expert at refraining from an LB fest during that time,just stay disconnected.

O

Christy,

I still have a very uncomfortable feeling about your H. His aggression and threats to come to your work place. Lets not forget his "plan" have me feeling not right about him.

I think the short email is the answer.

Also documentation of EVERYTHING that transpires between the two is in order...a journal if you will. Even if you have to print out your posts and sign them that this is you and place them in a safe place. You also need to tell someone OTHER than us about his thoughts of planning your demise. It may just smoke..but if this does come to divorce and he feels cornered who knows what he may do.

It's that "gut" feeling I think even you have in this. Just like Nicole Simpson did so she documented and placed it in a safety box BUT she gave someone else a key in case something happened to her (Nicole was a member of my Parish). This maybe why I am freaked by this aspect of your story. The mistake she made was not saying anything seriously to anyone. AND letting OJ know she is documenting things.

I will write more have to take a call

Keeps getting better and better...

So, WH called my cell too. So I caved in and sent very short e-mail "yes... get the kids tonight have them home by 9pm.Thanks."

SOOOOOOOOO...now he just responded with:
"I was checking to see if it was ok if I spend some time with the kids this evening. I have something for you and the kids from New York. Thought I would just come by the house. Plus I have some laundry that I can do while I play with the kids. If it is ok with you I will pick Cameryn up and pay Ms. Edie for this week."

For those following my story, he really pissed me off last week because he did not pay the sitter (Ms. Edy) last week even though it was his week to pay.

I have bible study (divorcecare class) tonight, won't be home, and by the way, we are in Plan B.

But I don't want to be mean.

Take it easy on me for the last comment.

Man...he's good...but Christy you are better! Do not let him do this to you!

Who is supposed to be your liason for kid related stuff? Whoever it is have them contact him and tell him that won't work...he can't watch the kids at your house and do his laundry!! How insulting and manipulative of him.

Have the person remind him that you aren't doing this to be mean...but because you love him enough to stick by your guns until he goes NC with OW!!

I agree with the others...start documenting this stuff who knows what his fogbound brain is up to.

I don't have intermediary.

thinking of you and your continued struggle. i will say an extra prayer for you tonight at church.

Since my last post. He called me one more time and e-mailed me again saying "I was hoping I could come by the house." I finally e-mailed back to him "Kids are definitely looking forward to seeing you and were planning on it. Time at the house tonight won't work (I will not be home)."

Have not heard back from him. Trick now will be to see if he is there when I get home from Bible study (doing his frickin laundry).

The man has elephantitis of the balls.

ChristyV,

You can't control his behavior but you could control your responses.

Minor contact will set you back so try not to.

You could have a middle person ... even your pastor might be helpful. Ask around.

-rh-

<small>[ April 07, 2004, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Oh gee whiz Christy, I agree with the others.....

1) Start documenting all of his phone calls and emails, but don't give him a hint that you are doing so.

2) You must find an intermediary. Perhaps a mutual friend, perhaps one of your parents, perhaps a neighbour?

Also, I would bet lots of money that he will get the kids to let him into the house and he will be there doing laundry when you get home. Be prepared for a confrontation.

I'm tempted to suggest that you tell your kids to not let daddy into the house, but I'm posting so late I bet he's already there. Does he still have keys of his own?

Please let us know how the night unfolds. I'm saying a prayer for you!

Jen

Well, Jen, you called it. I got home from bible study at about 8:45pm, he was sitting in the living room watching TV with the kids. So I just walked in, said hello, and kinda acted detached. My son runs up to me all excited...come see this Mommy.

So I go to my room, and on my bed is a knock off Louis Vitton purse my H bought for me in NY (let me add that it is TOOOO cute....he definitely knows my tastes). So I go back out to living room, tell him thank you for the purse, and then just quietly go about my business in the house, picking up, asking the kids to go brush their teeth for bed, etc. As I do this, I DO notice that the washer and dryer are humming along in the utility room. JEEEEEEZ.

He quickly gets up. Get's his stuff out of the dryer, and folds it, loads up his car, and says good bye to the kids. I just acted very composed, calm, confident, cordial, but detached. I looked nice, because I had just come from church (my hair was done, I had this nice little black sweater on and matching slacks, cute little sandals, hair and makeup looked nice).

He was limping through the house, so I ask him why. He tells me his knee is really bothering him...that he messed it up while he was in NY. So far since he has moved out, he has had uncontrollable tremors, now this knee trouble, and he just looks terrible. I don't remember if it was CV or Octobergirl or who else, but I almost have to wonder if God is kinda letting stuff happen to him right now since he is in such rebellion.

Anyway, it sucked. It sucked that he totally disrepected my wishes. Sucked that my kid saw this purse gift thing as some sort of "sign" of reconciliation (and I later had to explain to an angry 9-year old that it was a nice gesture but does not necessarily mean mom and dad will be back together).

Good things include:
I think I handled myself perfectly, and that WH saw it and maybe it impacted the nuclear strength fog.
I got a really cute purse that is fun and perfect for the Spring season (although chances are he bought one for his girlfriend, slut, whore freak, too). But good again, because I will look much cuter with it! Ha!

I am changing the locks next weekend.

Christy, I just read your soap opera. Now I feel really guilty for wanting to Plan B my H just because I'm sick of him. Your H definitely deserves major Plan Bing.

Did you talk to Harley or your counselor about H's "plan"? Let us know. Some of us are obviously concerned.

I'm glad your looking good. Are you too young to remember Billy Christal's character, I think Fernedez, on Saturday Night Live. He would say with the Spanish accent, "It's better to look good, than to feel good." My H's expartner and I used to always say that when either of us felt like crap. Sometimes shallow is good. Especially when you KNOW you're looking better than the skeevy OW.

Take Care! CV

Way to go on handling yourself so well Christy, and finding a way to see the positive in it all to boot (enjoying the cute purse and knowing how good you looked)!!

It's downright rotten how he had to stoop to a level of manipulation that involved getting your 9 year old excited about giving you the purse as a gift though.

About the locks, my H changed them after I moved out (note: he asked me to leave, and I decided I actually wanted to leave rather than live with him with the poor way he was treating me - spending his days with his 2 EA women, and coming home at night expecting sex). I consulted a lawyer, and was told that b/c both of our names were on the land title, I could legally hire a locksmith to change them again myself, and then my H could do the same, and so on and so on. I could've started a war, but I just couldn't be bothered. If I were you, I'd check w/ a lawyer before you change the locks, just in case. Is your house in both of your names?

I'm crossing my fingers for you that if you do change the locks, that he's not so bright and believes you if you tell him it's your right to do so as the sole occupant, and that he has no say. Mention the old "Posession is 9/10 of the law." Don't let on that you know he has any rights regarding the house or the locks.

Perhaps someone else reading this has also gone through changing their locks and can share their story. I recall reading a few different people changing their locks after the WS moved out.

Jen

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>