firefly...

I sat on this post yesterday....

It is unbelievable on some accounts....

My question is regardless of his actions...
what are YOUR boundaries...

the issue of you driving him to leave you for OW...is mind boggling...
and my jury is still out whether it's really a smart thing of you do have done...OR if it is enabling...and codonement of his behavior....

how are you two today...
what plan are you in...

ARK

Ark:

Thanks for your response. I was beginning to think I was just writing to myself.

I need some direction because I am starting to feel like I am going in circles.

1. I did a great plan A for 6 months. My H noticed changes in me and was happy to be around me, but he wouldn't end the affair. Plan A became too good and too easy on him. I felt like I wasn't holding him accountable just showing unconditional love. I very rarely LB'd. I do think it is enabling, but I couldn't bring myself to Plan B. I was hoping OW would get annoyed with him not wanting to leave me and she would end the R. We came close, but it didn't happen.

2. I think I am on the verge of Plan B. I did not want to ask my H to leave to begin it. I thought it would be better for him to leave first then start in B. But I do have doubts of going N/C with him. I worry that he'll forget about me.

3. I am in limbo now trying not to fight him leaving because I know that something has to change so we can see what will happen next. I am very afraid of being lonely, of never getting to have children, of never finding someone else to love me. I never planned on getting divorced and I don't know how to deal with the possibility.

4. I think this would be easier on me if my H wasn't nice to me (other than A time away with OW), didn't say he loved me, or didn't act in a caring way. We had a good relationship and we still do during all of this. I feel very conflicted. Sometimes when we have been together, I have thought if I was in Plan B right now this experience/memory would not take place and I don't to live without him. I feel like I need to wait through the bad times so we'll get to have more good times.

5. I don't know where my boundaries should be right now. I was so good at Plan A that I am having a hard time putting consequences in place now. I got so good at being at suppressing my own relationship needs that it is difficult to assert myself now. Going to plan B means that I have to come to terms that our relationship has a strong possiblitly of being over. I am not dealing with that well.

6. I didn't drive H to meet OW. When he got in the car to leave, I got in the passenger seat to prevent him from leaving. Instead he drove off with me in the car. However, if I hadn't gone after him I don't think he would have even taken the car. He'd probably have hitch-hiked like he has done several other times since his car broke down. I just felt that if I let him walk out the door again to leave without doing something drastic then I wasn't standing up for our M. That night I let all of my hurt and frustration flood out at him. I held him and cried so hard. I felt helpless.

H wasn't there when I got home from work and he didn't come home all night. However, he hasn't taken his belongings. I am trying not to destroy all the good things I've done in A by acting crazy now.

Any thoughts?
firefly

firefly..

we all have to find some peace in this life..by balancing what it is we want and what it is we have...

you speak well of what you want...and none of it is wrong....or even unrealistic....

But to get what we want...can sometime lead us down paths that while on the outside look and appear normal or right.....the reality and depth to what we have is greatly lacking....

Betrayed spouses can get so lost in the pain...that they themselves become subject to a fog....

WS are masters at changing the definitions of words to justify their actions....
BUT things become really scary when the Betrayed also begin to change definitions in an attempt to have things they desire.....

There is nothing you do or can do to MAKE you husband chooose....infact he has been choosing all along...and choice is to bring great pain and disrepect to people....you and the OW...all in the new changed definition of his use of the word "love"

Regardless of what he does, says, or is...
YOU alone must find the strength to define what YOUR marriage means to you....and then find the path that lives those beliefs in actions....

Your momentarily loss of control or show of emotions...or even complete break down...are not incidences in enough of themselves to MAKE him do anything....

he will do what he chooses period...
the choice is what yours in what you allow to exist in your world...

did not want to ask my H to leave to begin it. I thought it would be better for him to leave first then start in B.

all this is, is protection from the reality of his actions and choices....


I worry that he'll forget about me.

that is an unfounded thought....don't hold on to it...OFCOURSE he won't forget you...but right now he doesn't have to give you any thought at all...
he knows where you are
he knows what you emotional state is..
he knows you are pining and ready to take him back no matter what....

didn't say he loved me, or didn't act in a caring way.

people that speak words of love...but continually act in a unloving way...
love in action if nothing else...is CONSISTANT...in action....
to me that is an almost perfect definition of the word love....

his actions are not loving they are hurtful to many people ....

Going to plan B means that I have to come to terms that our relationship has a strong possiblitly of being over.

this is your choice...but I will tell you that I believe that we have more value in our selves as children of GOD to believe in our selves more than just accepting and settling for reflections of someones warped definition of a relationship...

you are coming to the point of deciding that being part of a triange is less scary that being true to your own values....

that is a slippery hill you are standing on....

I just felt that if I let him walk out the door again to leave without doing something drastic then I wasn't standing up for our M.

for six months you have done nothing but stand up for this marraige...when will it be his turn..
why should he take a turn when you keep doing it...

firefly...the removal from his chaos that you fear so much in my opinion is way way way way less scary then continual dragging down of yourself into his nightmare....

read the lighthouse post...not because I "wrote" it...but because I believe you believe you husband is rational and he is anything but that....

you are living my worst nightmare...more so than any plan b,c,d,e,or f....

find yourself first...before you look to find your husband...

ARK

F, I see myself in you. Ark offered very good advice. It is very hard to go to Plan B. But as the time moving along, i am leaning more toward it. Orchid told me that only yourself know when it is ripe for it. My heart goes out to you. Pray to GOD and get yourself ready.

bumping and wondering how you are firefly....

ark

Thank you Ark and LNH for your replies. Ark- your advice was good. I just feel so sad, disappointed, and angry.

I confronted H on Saturday about spending our money on OW. It angers me that he would do that and especially since he is complaining that we don't have enough money. I think that putting my paycheck into a private account might be better. Then he can try to live off his $100 per week pay check.

He didn't come home last night. I have been feeling really used these last few days as I have reorganized my schedule to take H to and from work (he got a job as a waiter 2 days a week).

I am still feeling so lonely. I have no friends or family in the area. H is it. I almost went stir crazy being at home alone again. I guess I need to tell him to leave and go to Plan B, but we all know that I'm all talk when it comes to that.

H says that OW really pushes his buttons so he isn't sure if it would work with her. Yet, he really enjoys the "passion". I guess in Plan B, I have a greater likelihood of the passion wearing thin and her pushing his buttons. I am just really afraid.

I thought I was stronger than this. But all I have ever wanted was for someone to love me. Then I had my dream man. Now I've lost him. Now I'm back to being lonely again. Uuuggghhh!

I hate my life right now.

firefly...
there is no way to skirt the issue that so much of this is your choice....

quit confronting and power struggling...that will never ever work....

please try making some goals for yourself...
summer is coming and lots of lots of things are going on in the community...
you need to find something...

you don't have friends...dammit go make some...firefly....what else can people tell you to do....

you cling to the one person who is outrageously disrespectful to you....
how sane is that??

join something that challenges or interests you...

think of things that you never thought you'd do..

how's your golf swing....?
what about art lesson...nothing like throwing paint on canvas...
or boxing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

if you are feeling used it is because you let yourself be used...

odn't leave him if you are not ready...
but minimally pull some severe 180's on him..

you are exactly where he wants you..
doing exactly what he wants...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>
there is no way to skirt the issue that so much of this is your choice.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mean because my choice is to go to Plan B, but I haven't? How else is this my choice? Should I just sit back and let it happen?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>
quit confronting and power struggling...that will never ever work.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand about confronting and power struggling. What could I have done better?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>
you cling to the one person who is outrageously disrespectful to you....
how sane is that?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess that goes to setting appropriate boundaries for how I want to be treated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>
odn't leave him if you are not ready...
but minimally pull some severe 180's on him..
you are exactly where he wants you..
doing exactly what he wants... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't know what to do differently. I am tired of playing this game.

Thank you for your help Ark. I just need someone to reflect some of this back to me. I get so caught up that sometimes I just can't look at this objectively.

firefly

firefly..

it is your CHOICE not to have friends...
the way you have friends is you MAKE them..

You get yourself out there and do something that involves you with the world..

what about habitat for humanity...talk about getting involved with something that spans all walks of life...and exposes you to new experiences...

you don't have kids YET...so why in GODS name are you sitting home.....

and talking to him about money spent on the OW>..is insane is it not...
he will just defend that action...
he will just deny that action...

you are not a victim in this unless you let yourself be one...
you wait for him to make a move
a choice
a decision...

and he doesn't...
he strings you along
dangles carrotts in front of you and the OW>..
and you let him....
cake eater extroidaniarre...

no consequances
no limits
no boundaries...

and you are in the fog believing SOMETHING you do or don't do will be the cause of him leaving YOU....
so you accept him with you on the most pitiful terms....

even plan A is not accepting insane things....

even plan a while meeting needs has boundaries...

ARK

Ok so how do I set boundaries if I am not supposed to confront him with the things he is doing? Just give the ultimatum? I don't understand this.

I thought I was setting boundaries by confronting him about the money he spent on OW. If I didn't say anything he would keep on doing it. Do I just move the money and not say anything?

I am probably frustrating you. But your advice is very helpful. I hope you will be patient enough to help clarify my behavior some more.

firefly

firefly...

though I can off as being tough...please know that is not my intention....

tell me realistically if confronting him over the money issue has really changed anything...

If it did then that's great..but what did he really say about it...

deny?
justify?
rationalize?

agree to quit?

Or did you two just get bogged down in some verbal back and forth ....

boundaries have nothing to do with setting ultimatums...
you have every right to move your funds that he is spending on her...and if/when he asks you just say without disrespect...

"dear I thought about it and I decided that I don't want the OW spending my money...so I took care of that...."

here read this...
this is just one of many reasons to love ZORWEB

The major mistakes I see in Plan A are:

1) The BS doing nothing to interfere or attempt to break up the affair in acceptable ways.

2) Plan A’ing for too long, to the point that it becomes a lifestyle with great payoff for the WS and little for the BS.

3) Tip toeing around the WS by not telling them how the affair is hurting the BS. Basically acting as though the BS is afraid to upset the WS in any matter. This can lead to great emotional abuse of the BS.

4) The BS does not do Plan A for the WS or for themselves. It is done to break up the affair and begin marital recovery.

5) Totally misunderstanding what is and what is not a love buster and thereby never setting proper boundaries.

While becoming a better, more patient, more loving spouse can be a side affect of plan A, that is not it’s purpose. Plan A is a strategy to separate the spouse from the lover. (Or perhaps to pull a spouse out of deep withdrawal, but that's not your issue right now.) Nothing more, nothing less. Plan A will not save or restore your marriage. It is simply a tool to show your spouse that you recognize the contribution you've made to the deterioration of your M, and that you are willing, able, and determined to change those things.

Plan A is also about meeting needs as much as you feel you can. If you can make love with your H and not go away angry and resentful... go for it!! But if not, then Be pleasant, courteous, thoughtful, respectful. No demands, no disrespect, no losing your temper, no dishonesty, and no doing things that annoy or offend your spouse. (annoying behavior does have a qualifier when there is an A, and we will talk about that too.) Plan A is not about being perfect, being a doormat, or being a perfect doormat!

Plan A can be done in a letter if that is all you can muster. Plan A should have a deadline, as it's not an indefinite lifestyle choice. Most women cannot do Plan A as long as men. Some cannot even do it for a day, the pain of knowing their H is with OW is too great. Most women plan A for about 2-3 weeks, most men for about 6 months. Plan A is not a life style.

When it is said that the BS should do nothing to break up the affair, it’s a bit of a misleading statement. Plan A and Plan B are attempts to break up the affair. Acceptable and unacceptable ways to break up an affair.

It is unacceptable to try breaking up the affair using tactics such as threatening or using violence, stalking either the WS or the OP.

Acceptable ways to put pressure on the affair in Plan A/B:

1) Plan A and then if necessary Plan B.
2) Tell everyone: your parents, his parents, your religious leader, your other loved ones and close friends. Ask for their support in ending the A and saving your marriage.

3) Tell the WS that they are hurting you (the BS) every time there is contact. Do not give the WS the impression that you can get by.

4) Tell the WS that they are offending you grievously, that you are hurt beyond belief and that you are in pain. All of this helps break the shroud of secrecy and protection around the affair. It puts pressure on the affair.

5) Confront the OP. Tell OP that you love your WS and that you want your marriage to survive. Tell OP that he/she is contributing to the destruction of your home and your family. Beyond this do not contact the OP. Do not set up a relationship with them. They are incidental to the problems in your marriage. Given time the affair will almost always end whether or not you and you WS remain together. Affairs are based on fantasy. Tell the OP’s spouse.

6) Tell your children. Yes... tell them. They already know, so give them the gift of honesty.

7) Now, in the interim, there are things you can do. Confront the OW.

8) If your spouse is in the military talk to the Chaplin, their commander, family support and anyone else you can to get support. Their commander can put a lot of pressure on them, change their assignment to interfere with the affair, and so forth. Criminal charges can be filed. And so forth.

This will make the WS angry. The Policy of Joint Agreement does not apply. The marriage has already been breached. Telling is a way of stopping the bleeding so to speak. A way to end the A, to pick of the pieces of the destruction he is wreaking.

Affairs do not survive in the light of day. Doing everything you can to end it is encouraged. Once again, this is against every instinct we have, but it works.

Affairs do not last long when the OP is meeting limited needs and the WS is just having a wonderful time having their cake and eating it too. All the while the BS is.

Plan B is risky. At first it will certainly push the WS into the arms of the lover. But almost all affairs die a natural death. And that is hastened by being exposed to the light of day. Affairs exist and thrive only in secret and in fantasy. Once the harsh realities of life... kids, schedules, finances, laundry (!!) intrude, they lose their appeal.

Soon the arguments set in, withdrawals to the LBnk are made and the A comes to an end.

The time to go to Plan B is when: You are LBing more? Not sleeping well? Poor appetite? Losing your ability to concentrate? These are things that you need to take into account. Plan A is not sustainable indefinitely, and the more your love bank drains, the harder it will be to continue.

The 2 biggest mistakes with Plan B are not going to Plan B in time, and not insisting on the conditions for recovery. NO ONE wants to do Plan B. It goes against every instinct we have. But MB is about going against instincts. Harley says it over and over again on every topic he covers. Doing what our instincts tell us to do only gets us into trouble.

A Plan B letter should be short and to the point. It must include these

1. I love you

2. I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.

3. This thing you are doing is too painful for me to bear; it is destroying the love I have for you.

4. As long as you have contact with this person, I cannot see or speak to you.

5. When this affair ends, I would love to discuss reconciliation and recovery with you.

6. Until then I ask that you not contact me. All issues relating to children/finances/etc should go through____ who is acting as intermediary.

There is so much emphasis on ending the A and plan A, that people lose sight of the fact that ending the A is just one of two equally important parts in rebuilding the M. The second, and probably toughest part, is recovery. If the BS has very little love left for the WS, the recovery part may already be doomed because the BS will not put the sufficient effort to work his/her part and may use the WS's equally lukewarm response as enough proof to jettison the M and head straight to divorce. This is why plan B is an important component to the goal of rebuilding the M.

---------------------------------------------------------
COMMON MISCONCEPTION ABOUT LOVE BUSTERS

Many BS believe that insisting on no contact would be viewed as a love buster by their WS. Technically, it's not. A lot of posters talk about a LBer as anything that the WS finds unpleasant. That's not the case. If it were, then honesty, especially radical honesty, would become impossible.

A Love Buster falls into one of these categories:

1. Demands. Insisting that your spouse do something for you regardless of how it would make him or her feel to do it. Refusing to accept "No," to your request, graciously. Either overtly or insinuating some threat if your wish is not complied with.

There's a whole layer of subtleties around Demands. And it is defined by the one being asked to do whatever. I tend to be VERY sensitive to demands. My H saying something like, we need to change the oil this weekend, or I need you to come and look at (whatever his current project might be) will almost always fall into the demand category for me.

Also, we cannot insist that our spouse NOT do something. Although technically this is not a Demand but a notification that they are in violation of POJA, unless you are both on the same page about that policy, it will be a love buster.

The way to avoid making demands is to state what it is you would like, and then to ASK, "How would you feel about doing______?" This statement forces you to take your spouse's feelings into account, and to accept,"No," courteously.

2. Disrespect. This is anything that imposes your value judgment on your spouse. It can be as small as rolling your eyes at something he/she says, or as large as name calling, put-downs. One that is common for BS's is to question the WS's morals, standards, ethics, care of children.

While we may all agree with those assessments, to state them to your spouse is disrespectful. You can THINK whatever you want, but you need to monitor what comes out of your mouth.

3. Angry Outburst. Losing ones' temper and having a screeching tantrum is easy to recognize.

But an AO can be quiet and just as cutting. It's an action that is punishing in some way. (This does not include removing oneself from abuse or pain or neglect.... unless you hurl a rolling pin at his head on your way out the door.)

Threats are included in this category. So if you are planning to go to Plan B, then you need to make the plan and do it. Threatening would be an AO.

4. Annoying Habits. Things like slurping coffee, snoring, leaving your shoes all over the house, and collecting junk. All these are annoying habits. Things you do that make your spouse insane with irritation.

5. Independent Behavior. Monday night football, affairs, shopping with the girls, hunting, your religious practices. Lifestyle choices that are planned and executed without the enthusiastic agreement of both parties. Business travel falls into this category.

6. Dishonesty. Leaving your spouse in the dark on any of these subjects: 1. Past history 2. Present activities 3. Daily plans and schedule 4. Future plans, hopes, dreams, 5. Feelings and reactions... particularly to your spouse's behavior 6. Anything else you know to be true about yourself

Now, no contact in order to protect yourself from further pain does not fall into one of those categories. Will the WS be unhappy with that? Duh!!! Of course he/she will. But his/her unhappiness will be the direct consequence of his/her betrayal of you and his/her vows.

You are not hurting the WS. He/she has chosen to hurt themself by hurting you. No one, and least of all Harley, believes that you should be in pain in order to save your marriage. If you ever get a chance to hear him, he speaks about this all the time. That his concern is with YOU, the BS. He does not want you to suffer any more than you already are.

If your spouse is unhappy with n/c, then it's up to him/her to do the things HE/SHE needs to do in order to have you in his life.

[ October 26, 2002, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]

--------------------

Thank you Ark. I like that you are straight forward with your advice. I need that right now.

I printed out some Plan B letters and am going to work on constructing one. I am trying to decide if I should go to Plan B soon or wait until after my sister's wedding on May 15th. I would rather not answer questions about H's whereabouts from family and I'd like him to see how my family loves him (see below).

I called OW's mother this evening and I am very glad I did. She thought A was over and is so hurt by her daughter's actions. She had to go on anti-depressant meds to deal with her and the whole family is upset and ready to disown her. Her parents have made clear to her that they want nothing to ever do with my H. Mother is worried that father would shoot him (literally) because he is black. This really scares me. We cried together about how our loved ones have changed. Mother indicated that OW is having serious financial problems. She is going to stop giving OW money and groceries now. I was glad for mother's empathy and agreement to help end the affair. She wants her "old" daughter back and wants no part of H.

I am thinking of confronting H with this information from mother and threat from father before going to Plan B. My family is totally accepting of H and loves him. I don't know why he would do this...answer I suppose is fog. I worry about H's safety. Forcing him to live with her might give him a taste of their financial picture. And here he is upset with our finances! Unbelievable! I am going to open a private account to put my paycheck in to make sure it goes for necessities and not OW.

Thoughts anyone?
firefly

firefly -

You have done a great Plan A for a long time. I really believe your H does love you, but is just enjoying his cake-eating too much.

Get your money into your own account. Let him go with OW, and see how well she meets his needs. Do not worry, he will be back.

up up up...................

Well my world is spinning this very moment. I just got a call from WH. OW's mother sent her an email message indicating there really wasn't to talk about since OW was still living in fantasy world and she put my home telephone number on the it.

I am annoyed that OW's mother gave away that I spoke with her, but I can understand why. The woman is very distraught by her daughter's actions.

I told WH that I had spoken with the mother and what she had said to me. He said our relationship was over and he was moving out because he cannot trust me. I said that he could trust me and that I was dedicated to doing what was necessary to end their relationship. H hung up on me and I haven't been able to reach him.

H also said it was over when I talked with OW's husband. However, he didn't leave. I feel rather conflicted. I am still glad I contacted the mother and will follow up with her this evening possibly. I am not as upset as I thought I'd be about H saying he's moving out. It would be what is needed to propel to Plan B. On the flip side, I am rather scared.

H has the car today. He dropped me off at work so I have no way of getting home to see if he really is moving out. I have a late work meeting so I won't get finished until about 8pm. I hope this turns out to be a good thing. I was going to wait until after my sister's wedding to go to Plan B.

firefly

He said our relationship was over and he was moving out because he cannot trust me.

Did you bend over grab your gut and laugh so hard at the insanity of that you peed your pants...

did ya...
cause you should have...

insane...you can not be trusted......!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So what plan are in firefly...

If you wait for him to "officially" leave and hand him a plan b letter when heading out the door ....do you think that is very effective?

plan b works best in the midst of a really effective plan a....

these actions are not very plan A...if you look at them realistically...

why would you want a man that has no applicable idea about marraige right now...to disgrace your sisters wedding ...and all it stands for?

and most importantly...

what are you doing to make friends..
what are you looking in to become involved in something...
what are YOU doing for YOU...

or are you just gonna keep down the path of pining for your husband...and listening to his insane comments of you not being trustworthy...

your sister is getting married in fifteen days...
time to immerse yourself in family and in the celebration....

have you written a plan b letter yet...
are you ready...

ark

No, I didn't laugh. But I believe that he is wrong that I am not trustworthy and that our relationship is over. Only time will tell though if we can get over the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>
So what plan are in firefly...

If you wait for him to "officially" leave and hand him a plan b letter when heading out the door ....do you think that is very effective?

plan b works best in the midst of a really effective plan a....

these actions are not very plan A...if you look at them realistically... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need some clarification here. If part of Plan A is exposing, then was talking to OW's mother wrong? Now OW cannot hide the A from her parents. How are my actions not very plan A? I am doing my best to meet EN and show my changes.

Also, don't many BS's go to Plan B once their WS's leave? How is this different? I haven't given him the Plan B letter yet, so I can't give it to him until I see him again. Right now I'm not sure when that will be. So where do I go from here?

Ok, I totally agree that I need to do more for myself. This A has really hurt my self-confidence so sometimes I have trouble putting myself out there. However, I made a number of really significant changes: a) I became a Christian after claiming to be an athiest for 12 year; b) I attend church weekly and also go to church functions (the little old ladies have adopted me); c) I have lost 72 lbs on Weight Watchers; d) I have become exercise-oriented; e) I know a whole lot more about relationships and marriage from all the reading I've been doing. So, I still have room for more, but I'm not completly inept in developing myself. I feel I've grown significantly. But I do have problems imagining my life with WH.

fire away....

firefly

firefly...

if you wait for him to leave you...and while walking out the door..and you hand him a plan b letter...he will read it INITIALLY and say...

so what...
isn't that what I am doing...

IF you can go to plan b..right in a midst of a good plan a...then it has more effect....

I mean the wedding is a perfect catalyst for you to do this...

again why would you want someone who is acting like him in attendance to celebrate your sisters marriage...

even him thinking he should go watch someone exchange vows is laughable...

I am not trying to discount your plan a...it has been good...but lately it appears it is running a little amuck..

confronting him last weekend about the money when that was a perfect time to just show him the changes you have made...

and you don't have to share one ounce of info you exchanged with OW mom or anyone else...

leave him wondering about you...

what exactly would happen if you were to go out tonight after work...

what if you were go him with him sicne you only have YOUR car....and then immediately turn and go out somewhere...

bye dear...I have some plans...back later??

also plan bing him with him not having car...interesting...
hope he likes the bus...

ark

Ok, I certainly see your point about how to go from Plan A to B effectively. I suppose I missed that opportunity now. Of course, I knew all along you were right, I just couldn't bring myself to face it.

I haven't heard from WH yet, so I guess all I can do is wait to see if he packs up. If not, then do I go immediately to plan B or should I hit plan A really good for a few more days and then do it? If he has already moved out then do I still give him the letter? Too many questions, I know!

One of WH's complaints was that he didn't feel I put him first in my life enough before. So in trying to correct that perception, I have tried during Plan A to be very accessible and giving of myself. If I start to do my own thing, will he think I'm back sliding?

Thank you Ark for your help. I am getting a better picture of my actions.

firefly

Ark,

Just to follow up on your comment about WH having to ride the bus...

Not only does he not have a car, he only works part time too. OW lives 45 minutes away so that is going to be a big pain and she is only working part time and having financial problems. And now her family is even more mad at her.

This has all the right ingredients to end the fantasy. I just hope it happens.

firefly