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Joined: Sep 2003
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I have posted on In Recovery about the OW doing things to "be in my face" lately. Driving down my street every morning (not necessary - way out of her way), just generally being "right there" on the occasions that we run into each other (which is frequent b/c kids in same grade, go to same church, etc.) Summer is coming and kids are in baseball, etc. so there will definitely be run-ins there.

Most pple's advice is to IGNORE her. Yes, I agree. It's hard but logically it seems best.

Here's something that I want to get people's opinion on:

Was at my therapist this morning. Told him about her being 'in my face' and how annoying it is and how if it werent for that I wouldnt have so many trigger days. I tell him I ignore her, look past her and dont give her the satisfaction of my attention.

He agrees that it is not right and she should not be trying to "rile" either H or I.

Then he says, "Lets think about this. She obviously has major issues b/c of the fact she goes after married men. I am not sure what she is looking for by pushing herself at you guys but maybe she just wants to be acknowledged. Just once. B/c she broke a societal taboo by dating a MM she is shunned, pushed away in a corner (yea, so?) and her feelings are escalating and usually they wont dissipate until something happens, or they will eventually die away but at what cost to you and H?
I wonder what would happen if the next time she is "in your face" you simply look at her and even give a very subtle nod, then leave it at that. Maybe that alone will dissipate her feelings and it will stop."

What do you think?? Anyone ever taken this approach?? I am willing to try anything to jsut move on with things! And having her doing these things is making it so hard.

Honestly I have been trying to have empathy for her (trying to be a good christian, etc) b/c lets face it, I do feel sorry that she can't foster a healthy noraml relationship with a single guy. I pity her to some extent. It doesnt matter why she is doing this, it is not healthy for me or my M to harbor all this ill will. I can seem to have some peace with her & the A when I DONT see her but the second I do see her - WHOOSH!! all the affair feelings come rushing back.

I really feel I need to come to some sort of conclusion for this soon. I do not want our recovery progress to be stuck or even thrown back b/c of this.

Any advice out there?? I'd appreciate it! Thanks!

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My WH's OW is the same way. She is in my face all of the time. She lives right down the street, and always honks her horn when she drives by.

I feel sorry for her. She has to be very sick to do this. She has left her husband and daughter to be with my WH. I completely ignore her.

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I am sorry that you have to put with that. Why do these women do this? Yes they need our pity I think. They need the world's pity.

take care ((((believer)))))

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Fraggles/Believer -

I honestly think these women are doing this to get a reaction. They are looking for you to freak out to give themselves some sort of freakish satisfaction.

I'd be willing to bet that their self esteem is very very low and for some reason being in your face makes them feel some sort of sick power.

I'd say show no reaction. Remain calm. I like the idea of a head nod and nothing else. That would be enough of a reaction to show them that you will not give them the power they are seeking.

Even if you do run into the bathroom and cry afterwards. They do not have to know that.

Stay strong for yourself and your children. I have great pity for these women. It's just so sad....I'd rate this cruelty right up there with torturing puppies or pulling wings off of butterflies....normal people just do not do this type of thing.

I'll have to say though...my lack of self control would make this behavior dangerous. I'm a fairly calm person most of the time but if my children are in danger or I feel threaten in anyway I tend to flip out. I guess it's the fight or flight mode...I lean towards the fighting side. Not such a good thing. I think it would be very hard not to flip out in a situation like this. But then you have to think about it....

Where would that get you? If you just stopped this women in the street and said "what the h#ll are you doing you freak twisted idiot" and then got in a scream bout in your yard...where does that put you?

On a similar level as them. You do not want to bring yourself down. I can promise you that by being calm and going on with your life you are doing more harm to them then they will ever do to you.

You can lay down at night knowing you are a good person. They have to lay down at night knowing what they did and that they didn't do anything to seek forgiveness. Not only did they have an A with a MM but they are torturing you.

It's sick, sick I tell you. Pray for them. Pray for them to wake up and see the error of their ways. That's all you can do.

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A subtle nod is probably the best thing to do.

I don't think I'd be able to stop at that, though. Wouldn't it just KILL her if you gave her a radiantly happy smile? And, the lil' devil on my shoulder would probably be telling me to start humming "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man." Bad idea!!! Don't do THAT!

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I pass by OW and her best friend in the hallways at work. I just smile and wave.

I figure anything is going to be fodder for discussions, this falls in line with the saying, "Smile, and let them wonder what you are up to".

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I'm with the nod and smile at 'em approach. A genuine, warm smile. We cannot choose how other people act, but we can choose how we act.

Plus, as was mentioned, she'll wonder what the heck you know that she doesn't.

dewt

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Dear Fraggles,

Ows tend to do this (not all but some) because they crave attention. For these types you may find that the OW eventually will want to control you or get a rise out of you as much as she does out of the WS. In other words, these psyco types want to control all around them and when that is taken away, then they start to do desparate acts.

I dealt with one who thought she was playing with a novice. While I am not an expert a having an A, learning how to identify the OWs weaknesses, is something I learned quickly.

If you are dealing with such a psyco OW, learn to use her weakness to protect you. The OW in my case, thought she could predicte my reactions to her antics and when I didn't follow the script it sent her into a tailspin. I learned to do that several times. Once it prompted a warning e-mail to the then WS to 'watch out for 'L' (aka: Orchid), she is to quite right now and must be up to something. She (L) is probably planning to do something against me (OW).'

What was I doing? Nothing. I had grown tired of the OW's antics and finally figured out that I wanted OFF the rollercoaster. I was sending the WS back to the OW since that is what she deserved (a WS). I deserved an H and when he acted like a WS, I sent him to her.

Later OW wanted to play let's make a deal by requesting she and I share the WS. In her eyes she was being quite generous by giving him to his family for 4 days and she would take 3. WOW, I used that one right away. I called the WS and told him of her offer. I used his own words and reminded him that he had said he wanted his 'own time' but it now seems like OW was dictating his time. So when was he going to schedule 'his time'?

That sent him and OW into an LB fight. I got to sit back and watch.

I finally saw OW face to face in court. She filed false RO against the Xws. She did it as a revenge since we tracked her e-mails and calls to our home and my work. She made 10 calls to my work (some and about 100 to my home in a 3 month period). We have yet to tell the judge since it has been a few months. We also know it was revenge since she had told the WS that she would contact me to 'tell all'. Her 'tell all' was quite dull. No more reaction out of me. The OW did not even deserve a response. Xws asked me to go to court with him and I obliged. OW later passed us on the way out and I didn't even notice her. LOL!! She tried to smile at me in the courtroom and I acknowledged her with a polite nod. Remember the Xws was sitting with me and not even glancing at the OW. He said the more he saw her the more he hated the sight of her. Good. For an OW that accused me of looking like a man (which I don't - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , the OW came dressed in slacks and from a distance could look like a man or sorts (we have a lot of those kind around this area of the country). I had already seen a pix of her on her website and I thought 1 pix was of a man but Xws said it was her. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> OW isn't a pysically gross looking person but her ugly disposition sure marred what physical beauty she has.

So a good tool is to ignore the OW. If confronation is unavoidable, simple nod is sufficient. If anyone asks why you are not more sociable with the OW, you can just mention she has a bit of a stench about her that makes it difficult (stench of the A - without saying it). If asked further then say something like, her reputation preceedes her and I choose not to associate with someone who does those things. You don't even need to clarify what those things are. If the party asks the OW what those things are then she is on the spot.

It does take time to get to this level. Be patient. You will get there.

take care,
L.

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I wonder what would happen if the next time she is "in your face" you simply look at her and even give a very subtle nod, then leave it at that. Maybe that alone will dissipate her feelings and it will stop."

What do you think??

Well.... I like your therapist's idea.

Here's my slight alteration.

I would look right at her and not waver and look away first. No glaring. No angry face.

Just a plain relaxed face looking directly at her.

If after 20-30 seconds she is still looking at you (an eternity, she likely will not last this long) I would do this...

While maintaining eye contact, I would touch the side of my nose with my finger. As if to say:

"I know".


Then go about my business.

Pep
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good grief, is this how yankeefolk handle their problems? y'all need to ask a gal from TEXAS how to handle this! This OW would do this about ONE TIME to a Texas woman and then would find herself glued to the pavement after we opened up a can of Tejas whoop-[censored]! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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The OW is in my face also. I feel for you. I found out this OW is on Yahoo personals with pictures and all. For her match, she put that she didn't care if they were married or not. How low can you get? What fun I could have...

She will get hers, as the OW in you face will get hers. Give it time.

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I'm in a similar sitch. Frankly, I wouldn't do anything at all to bait the OW. You don't know what her trip is. My OW, after my H broke off with her the first time, wanted to be "friends" with me. She was still trying to leach off the situation, which intrigued her.

Don't get dragged into their drama in any way. Ignore, or at most a nod.


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