I learned my H was having an A 6 weeks ago. OW is old high school girlfriend who is M with 2 DD. She has been involved in at least 2 other A. While we were dating, we briefly broke up and then BF immediately met her at a hotel room for a one night stand. OW was married then too. H and I reunited and married, but she has always been a thorn in my side. She has consistently reappeared in our lives for the past 12 years, always looking for a weakness in our marriage. She finally found it this past fall when I was immersed in starting a new business and H felt neglected. A 4 month PA and EA ensued - hotel rooms and hours on the cell phone. OW had A thing down to a science! She even has a friend who helped her by getting her an extra credit card on her account so OW could reserve hotel rooms!
I eventually found cell phone bills and exposed the A. H pledges he never loved her and just needed to feel loved. He seems to be earnest in saving our marriage, and doing all he needs to do.
In fact, our relationship is better now than it has ever been. We are very romantic and loving toward eachother, but I am plagued by Rage and Pain! It seems that WH got a revitalized relationship with me, OW goes back to her life and OWH with no concerns and I am left holding the bag! How is that fair? I want very much to tell OWH, but am ashamed it is mostly for revenge. I have not told him yet as I do not want to cause him and his DD the pain my family has experienced. Also worried about what he could do to my WH. But OTH, doesn't he have a right to know his WW has been unfaithful during most of their marriage? I also feel that exposing OW is the only way I can make sure she stays away for good. Help!

My God, the man has a right to know what has been happening in his own life. Who cares what your motivation is? This man has every right to know so he can protect himself and his children from this woman. She has been allowed to continue this way for YEARS because noone would expose her.

The pain is caused by the AFFAIR, not the truth. He is being destroyed behind his back and can't protect himself because no one will tell him.

Would you tell your friend if his bookkeeper was embezzling money from him? Or you would avoid it saying that you didn't want to "hurt" him?

Again, its the BEHAVIOR that hurts, not the truth!

Tell this man TODAY!

Stop protecting her!

i agree. OWH should be told.

I would think ideally talking to your H first would be good, getting his input and hopefully his buy-in would be extremely beneficial to your marriage. I would expect H will not want to do this at first but i would hope that if you take the time to explain why it is manditory with one very big reason being that it will force OW out of your lives forever, that he will end up agreeing with you.

i think no matter what OWH should be told. I just think that it is to your advantage to have it be a joint decision between your H and you that this be done.

GOOD LUCK!

I will respectfully disagree with FL on this one. Telling the WS beforehand is a huge mistake, because A) the WS is unlikely to agree to expose himself B) it will cause an unncessary lovebuster and C) the WS will forewarn the OP so she can spin it her way to her BS.

And when she forewarns the BS the story is always spun to make you look like a nutjob. "JoeBlow was coming onto me and since I turned him down, he has turned his wife against me." blah blah blah....

Telling the WS in advance usually ENSURES that the OP's spouse NEVER gets the straight story and you are just portrayed as nut.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

OWH does need to be told but take the high road when you do it. you want to be able to look back at what has happened and be glad at the way you handled the situation. If you were able wouldn't you want to spare anyone the pain that you are feeling right now? not definite but telling the OWH may be what is needed to help end the A. Most of all the BS want to do the one thing that will make that happened and you don't want to look back and say "if only I had told the OWH." I feel for you, i really do but i am glad that you have found this place because if will help in so many ways. prayers to you.

i hear what you are saying melodylane but you are making the assumption that not only will her H not agree but that he would choice to help the OP instead of doing what is best for their M.

i made my suggestion based on:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He seems to be earnest in saving our marriage, and doing all he needs to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if that is really 100% true, then what you are saying, that H will tip off the OW, would not happen. of course that is in an ideal world. if H is still in a fog at all, then what you are saying might happen.

as far as it being a LB, wouldn't doing it without discussion be more of a LB? in that scenerio she is not even giving her and her H a chance at being in agreement. i wouldn't expect H to easily agree but i guess i was thinking that if presented well to her H, that he might understand and therefore be able to agree and then they can do it as a team. what a gift that could be for her H to give her. for her to be able to go to her H and say, i need you to do this with me, i need you to choice to do this because... and then list out reasons.

just my 2 cents.

You have heard the answer. Tell the other woman's husband. He needs to know. Give no warnings to your husband. Once the affair is exposed, it will likely end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want very much to tell OWH, but am ashamed it is mostly for revenge.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should tell, but not to get even. Not because you're angry that OW is getting off scott-free. You should tell because OWH deservest the truth. There are big problems in his M and he needs to know about it so he can choose to fix them or move on. Put yourself in the proper frame of mind before telling OWH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not told him yet as I do not want to cause him and his DD the pain my family has experienced. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think someone else already said it but I'll reiterate - YOU aren't causing any pain. His W caused the pain. YOU are offering a path to knowledge and eventual healing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also feel that exposing OW is the only way I can make sure she stays away for good.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you think exposure would make her stay away? I wouldn't count on it, at least not in the short term. It probably *will* take some of the shine off of the fantasy, and that is a good step.

Thank you all for your insights. While I have friends who are helping me through this, it is different to hear from people who really know my pain.
H is OK with me doing whatever I need to do to get through this and wants to support me - even if it means telling OWH. I do not believe he is in a fog, and do believe the affair is over.
You are all right, I did not cause this pain and I do need to get my head on straight. I often think, if this man were my friend I wouldn't waste a minute thinking about this - I would tell him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H is OK with me doing whatever I need to do to get through this and wants to support me - even if it means telling OWH. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is OUTSTANDING!!!

there is nothing to consider then. tell!!! like you yourself said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I often think, if this man were my friend I wouldn't waste a minute thinking about this - I would tell him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God wants us to love everyone. It would be due to the love you feel for your friend that would push you to tell him. Tell the OWH for the same reason.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
[QB]
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He seems to be earnest in saving our marriage, and doing all he needs to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if that is really 100% true, then what you are saying, that H will tip off the OW, would not happen. of course that is in an ideal world. if H is still in a fog at all, then what you are saying might happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear what you are saying, but earnestly working on the marriage in no way means the WS is trustworthy, is prepared to bust himself, and won't forewarn the OW. No matter how far into recovery, it is very unlikely that the WS will do this willingly or can be trusted. And very simply, there is no reason to tell the WS beforehand. The WS might be told afterwards and that should be sufficient, but there is no reason to take the risk of the OP's spouse being headed off at the pass resulting in more lies.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hey Morgan,
Tell the owh- I did that when my ex was cheating on me with my friend- I went to his house- told him to get in the car and I took them to the parking lot where they were parked- I let him deal with my husband and her together- it wasn't revenge- they had 3 kids- it was her 2nd marriage and her husband was too good to be left in the dark while she was lying and coniving- consequences are there no matter what-you have to face them sometimes- it is tough- but this ow sounds like a piece of work- it will stop anything in the future and it will send a message to your husband that you won't tolerate it at all anymore.
Good Luck!