Finally, after 4 weeks after I confronted, we are seeing a MC tomorrow. We saw this MC last year, but quit going b/c of sked conflicts. Now we are making the time, W wants to go too. Here are some items I want to discuss:
*My need to know more about A. So far I know very little, she does not want to talk about it. Partly, b/c it hurts, and I want to respect her need for time to heal. But want her to understand that I do have questions, and I will need to ask them sometime.
*Concerns about trust and respect. I need to know that she is being completely honest with me. Still very protective of her cell phone, gets defensive if I even question her about it. I feel pretty confident that there is NC, am positive that she has not seen him since I confronted. I am a little concerned about text messages. She recently got a new phone, and said initially that she was not going to learn how to text on the new phone. But we have started messaging each other, just want to be sure that she is not messaging him.
*Start the dialogue about what thing(s) are missing in the M according to her. What do I do or don't do that we need to work on.

What else should we discuss? We only have 1 hour, suspect that it will be action packed. Any advice on stuff to bring up and what to expect would be appreciated.

Good start. I think you have enough for tomorrow.

After, read His Needs/Her Needs and both of you do the EN questionnaire. Not wrong to take it more than once to see where the EN stands for each of you.

See if you can schedule a phone session or 2 with Steve or Jennifer.

L.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 03:06 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Don't expect miracles in one session. A lot of times, BS comes away feeling bad. Often the whole session is about what BS did wrong, so be prepared for that.

Also your wife may not even know right now, why she strayed. So look at this as an opportunity to work together.

There is no way I can come out feeling worse than I have at many moments over the last 4 weeks. Another question, should I limit my contact with W after the session to reflect, or should I call later in the day and tell her something nice? Don't want to appear to be trying too hard, but do want her to have no doubts about my feelings for her and this M.

betrayedman, I am afraid you will be disappointed if you expect her to be honest with you in counseling when she won't do it at home. I hope it does happen, don't get me wrong, but few counselers are miracle workers and many are just flat out BAD. Many are not pro-marriage and know very little about recovering a marriage.

What are you going to do if the counselor says this is all none of your business? Some say that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am afraid you will be disappointed if you expect her to be honest with you in counseling when she won't do it at home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that the 1st session will be tough, and I do not expect a quick fix, but I need to put out how I feel. I can be a little patient here.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but few counselers are miracle workers and many are just flat out BAD. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we have seen the counselor before, very soft-spoken and very pro-marriage.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What are you going to do if the counselor says this is all none of your business? Some say that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that will happen. But if it does, and that is what it takes to move this marriage forward, so be it. Again, I don't think that will happen.

betrayed, that does give me hope. I think you are on the right track with your discussion topics.

I hope you also keep your eyes peeled because it sounds like she is still hiding something.

Originally posted by MelodyLane </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What are you going to do if the counselor says this is all none of your business? Some say that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed man:
I don't think that will happen. But if it does, and that is what it takes to move this marriage forward, so be it. Again, I don't think that will happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would just add that this will NOT move your marriage forward, that is my point. Some counselors tell the BS they have no right to know, which is insane. It is THEIR LIFE, and they do not recover unless they do know. This is very bad advice that I would never take.

sending your thoughts in prayers for you session tomorrow and i don't think you will come away from it feeling worse than you already have. make sure and let us know how it goes.

Betrayed Man, I don't want to bum you out here, but be wary of your W's honesty right now. Before my H's A he was a very honest man, and we had no secrets from each other. I am still amazed at the lier he became. It took one month to just get info about the A. It went from "I have feelings for OW but never told her", to (2 weeks later) "We've been telling each other we love each other for months, but that's it", to finding out it was a PA through me asking him and him not responding. Then I found out the true facts through snooping. Love letters she wrote him told me everything I needed to know about time frame and what they did sexually.

At this point I'm thinking I know everthing. We were in counseling and H was 4 weeks with NC. He told me honestly he wanted to call her every day, but called me instead. We talked often on the phone. I was comforting him. On 3/28 he was so guiltridden he confessed he saw her once (no sex), and proceeded to call her every other day for 2 weeks. When our therapist found out he told H there has to be complete honesty in therapy, so that is why we weren't getting anywhere.

I agree with ML, your W sounds a bit suspicious. Just watch, and if you feel like you aren't progressing there's probably a reason. Good luck! CV

Good God, what a f-ing kick in the teeth. Went terrible, if it went at all.

Started out with MC asking why we were there. Gave her a very short version, said I wanted a realtionship w/W and my kids to remain intact. Then she asked W why she was there. W said part of her wanted to work on M, but other part wasn't sure that if there was any hope or if she could stay in the M after all that had happened. MC then said (stand by sports fans!) that if we both didn't want basically the same things out of counseling, she could not see us, and recommended W go to IC! I was floored, I thought that if we agreed to go to counseling, that was enough! I can not beleive this, another set back, we need to move forward. We were in and out in 25 minutes. Damn, this sucks. I sked an emergency appt with my shrink today. Man, she is gonna earn her pay today. How much does a counseling appt on the phone w/Harley cost?

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:30 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

bm

Look for another counselor. This is my third already.

And next time ask to talk to him or her, and flat out ask on how he/she feels about M!. Make a quick recap of your situation and ask, it will not cost you nothing, and it will give you insight on if it will be a MC or not.
There are "MC's" that are against M, I wonder how come they are still in bussiness.

Betrayed M, sorry you had such a crappy MC experience. Even before this A happened in my life I have seen this scenerio play out with people I know just having M problems, and one whose H was having an A. The therapist immediately recommends IC. I think it's because they don't have the skills to negotiate both people's problems, and so IC is just easier. I just got my counseling degree in August and I am extremely paranoid about crappy shrinks.

Our MC, who we had seen in the past, is very good. However, after this A was revealed I was even nervous about seeing him. I had H make sure he was pro M. When we began H was as wishy washy as your W. Total fogland! Our MC approached him very logically about the statistics of A's and how they rarely work out. I could tell he was really trying to crack H's fantasy. As I wrote yesterday, H began calling the "B" and so withdrawal just kept going on.

After H came clean about contact the REAL withdrawal began. Not fun. I suggested H call Harley 2 weeks ago to help him with the withdrawal because he is an expert on this. H couldn't talk to him, so I did. I was getting to the point of just wanting to Plan B H so I wouldn't have to look at him anymore.

I've talked to SH twice and H did once. It is expensive, but cheaper than a divorce. I decided to drop out of IC for now because most of what I'm talking about is the A and H. I don't feel screwed up at this point. I come here to vent, and don't need my shrink to vent to anymore. H is in IC, which he needs. And we are putting the MC on hold to work with Harley. Our MC will delve into the deeper issues. I'm hoping SH can help us get our M on solid enough ground so we can get to those issues.

This site has an article on how to pick a good MC. Read that. Don't go to any therapist that does not having traing in marriage and family therapy. There are ICs who think they can do couples work. I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.

Hang in there. this is a ride like you've never been on before. This site saved me and it will you too. CV

BM, I am so sorry about your MC experience and hope you don't get discouraged. the harley's only do counseling by phone and it's $185 per session. don't get me started on how i think that is outrageous to charge people that much when they are going through such difficult times in their life but........steve harely is soooooo good and even though i'm putting myself in debt (credit cards) to pay for the sessions, i feel that my M is worth it and if that's what i have to do to help me in this battle then i almost don't have a choice but to do it.

of course ideally, it would be best if you and your W counseled w/SH but if it's just you it is still extremely helpful. I am glad that you are going to IC as well and that you feel that you mesh well w/her. i have been very diligent in posting about what we discuss in my sessions w/SH. so take a gander at those posts, it's under this forum under "4th session w/SH and the "plan"..... it's actually 1-4 of the sessions but you get the idea. I have my 5th scheduled for next week and my H who does not want to work on the M has talked to SH once.

i'm wishing you much luck in finding a MC that is the best for you and i will have to agree w/others it might take awhile if you're not able to counsel w/someone from MB. OF course, the best counselor of all is God. prayers to you.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 07:51 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

I agree with Matilde, please find another counselor. Like LIR said, a MC is supposed to faciliate maritial reconciliation. Its too bad you aren't in the US, you could counsel with Harley. He wouldn't waste your time.

Betrayedman, in the meantime, you can work on ending this affair via Plan A. There must be some way you can find out who this guy is. If you could find out who he is, you might be able to hasten the end of the affair by exposing him to his family/boss.