I am at my lowest point this morning. I am scaring myself at the thoughts I am having. My WS and I had a really rough day yesterday. I know for a fact that he has not had contact with OW for 5 weeks now. He still has no feelings for me and he is frustrated with my lack of trust for him. I have been trying to do Plan A but to be honest I am not so good at it. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I ask him so many questions that it makes him sick. He stated last night that he is at the end of his rope and he sees divorce as an only option. He does not know where else to go.

My problem is that we live 5 doors down from OW and I don't feel that he will fall back in love with me with this environment. I am constantly worried about him contacting her and he is dealing with so many memories. He is not ready to make a committment to move or do anything in the way of plan for the future. He says he is not sure that those feelings will come back for me (Is this withdrawl/fog talking or what??).

I guess I sit struggling. You can't force someone to love you right??? Do I just let him go even though I feel like this marriage is not giving a fair shot?? Continue with Plan A and hope he changes his mind?? Stop asking him questions?? Any advice on where to go from here? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Update - when my husband woke up this morning he is not going to call a lawyer. He just going to wait and see what happens. Seriously how do BS handle this up and down?? Is it really the fog/withdrawl?? I am feeling like dirt all the time and that makes it tough for me to do Plan A. Any suggestions??

Hi faithfull,

I'm sorry that things have been tough on you but honestly,it is way too soon for your WH to be expecting things to be alright.The withdrawal stage for some people can last up to 6 months or more but the question is if he is really NOT seeing this OW even by chance since she lives so close.Is that happening? If he is seeing her in anyway,he is going to keep feeling poorly even due to that limited contact.Any chance you could consider moving?

If he is not seeing her at all then he has to realize that he may not develop feelings for you for a while and to give it time.If he is in a big hurry to get feelings back he is setting himself up for failure.Did your HW actually send a NC letter and when was that?

Your WH needs to be reminded that what happens before A's is what can happen again after A's and by that I mean,many of us that are married go along not tending to our marriages,getting stuck in a routine and habits form.An A really shakes up the premise that we are all fine when in fact we are not.You both have had a huge wakeup call and the chance to have the kind of marriage you both want but it's not going to happen unless you take ACTION.Like Dr.Phil says if you want those changes to happen then you have to DO IT.If you just sit back and wait to "see what happens" then again,failure looms around the corner.

My WH was like that.He was hoping by sitting around and doing nothing that some train would come by and drop off a bunch of new feelings for me.He didn't want to do the work either.So,that lead to more pain and confusion and well, we aren't doing well at all.Your WH also has to understand the questioning.That is a very important part of YOUR recovery.I know he doesn't like it but that's too bad.He has to face all the pain he's caused from his decision to have an A.

Have you tried to suggest having your WH come here for support? Are you in counseling? Are you taking AD's? What are you doing on your end for recovery? Sometimes it can take one person to turn the marriage around but not forever.At some point he is going to have to contribute to this marriage reconstruction or things will get worse.

I know it's hard.Hang in there.

O

I am positive there has been no contact. My husband did not do a no contact letter. We both talked with OW friend and told her there would be no contact and to inform OW. I hate to have him do a NC letter because if she gets it and her husband finds out he will KILL my husband.

My husband and I have talked about moving but he can't make a decision about where or when we are going to move. He just wants to sit here doing nothing to improve our situation. I don't believe that his feelings can come back staying here. I love my husband so much so it kills me. I am seeing an IC but when I mentioned AD she did not seem as though I need them. I am feeling so low though. Do all WS go through this up and down? Is it going to be possible for me to win him back when he is not willing to give much effort? His idea of effort is just being in our home.

Hi Faithful! I am so sorry you are going thru this. I do understand your emotional pain! This is not going to change overnight! It is going to take months or years!

I dont have a lot of time, but I will try to anwser some questions for you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
He just wants to sit here doing nothing to improve our situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your marriage is not going to get any better if he just sits there and does nothing to improve it. he says he wants to see if those feelings come back...but what is he doing to get them back? Certainly he was not PERFECT before the A. your H needs to realize that you had NOTHING to do with this A...His actions were the cause of it. Is there anyway, he will come here for support! Have you guys read Surviving an Affair and HNHN? You can do whatever it takes to change YOU, but he has to be willing to change HIM as well! Have you filled out the EN questionnaire?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe that his feelings can come back staying here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, they can come back, but your H must bee willing to work on the Marriage and not just sit there and t;hink it will get better on its own. If your car is broken, are you going to take it to the shop to get it fixed, or are you going to let it just sit there and fix itself? Same thing in a marriage...you have to work on it to fix it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when I mentioned AD she did not seem as though I need them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is not a decision that your H needs to make for you! If you feel that you need then, then get them. Why is he telling you that YOU dont need AD's. You make that decision yourself and go see your DR. Your H has no right to tell you what meds to take or not to take.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do all WS go through this up and down? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">absolutely! This is what they call the rollercoaster ride of the century. Hold on tight! My H had a bad day on Friday. You just need to take it day by day. You are looking to far into the future! Think of it as, today will be better that yesterday! Not tomorrow will be better than today! Dont even think about tomorrow, today is the day you need to worry about! Do all you can to meet his needs today! Dont talk about the A...Stop bringing it up. If he says you are asking too many questions, drop it. That will come later! You are obessessing too much about it. Let it ride out. Yes, you do have a right to know, but that will come in time! Work on YOU right now and meeting your H's EN's...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it going to be possible for me to win him back when he is not willing to give much effort? His idea of effort is just being in our home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is he doing to make you feel secure now? Does he do anything? or just sit there...from what I am reading I am picturing him just sitting on the couch like a bump on a log. Tell me what he is doing to make you feel good?

is it going to be possible to win him back? YES! You two CAN fall in love again and the feeling will be wonderful! Can you do this if he is not willing to give much effort? I dont know, but I would think he would need to put in some effort! I mean, the man doesnt' really think he is perfect does he? Does he honestly think that he has NOTHING to change, that it is all you! Was he meeting all your EN;'s pre A?

Answers to some of your questions...

He is not sitting on the couch doing nothing but his idea of trying is just being in the house. He does little things to make me feel good. He will kiss me and hold my hand. Last night he held me while I cried. He is still so confused which is probably normal but I am giving my all and I don't feel like he is giving anything.

I think we both need to be striving to meet each other's needs right now right??? If we are both going to fall in love again we have to both fill each other's needs. He does not want me to do anything for him, no SF, no affection, no recreational companionship etc. We did the emotional needs questionere but he just does not care what we learn from it. He is annoyed if I try to talk to him about the "surviving an affair" book.

My husband is not telling me I don't need AD. My counselor did:). My husband would not care if I took them or not.

I do not believe my husband thinks he is perfect. He knows he has made mistakes but he does not know how to get his feelings back. Well sitting there is not going to make it happen that is for sure.

You asked if I could do it without him. I don't know if I can keep going on this ride. When he wants to give up I wonder if I should just let him. I know it takes time but shouldn't he be giving something at this point if he really wants to work on it??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it takes time but shouldn't he be giving something at this point if he really wants to work on it??

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That depends on where he is at in his withdrawal stage. it sounds like he is still deep in withdrawal. If the WS is still so deep in the withdrawal stage it is impossible to work on recovery. I had a post some place that someone explained this to me perfectly and it just clicked for me. I will try to find it. But right now, faithful, you have got to work on you and stop obsessing over HIM! Your H is doing a lot right now for you! MUCH more than my H did at first and maybe even now. Yours is kissing you and holding you..That is a big step! I have to ask mine to do that stuff! He is trying, but I want more. BUT, I dont push him.

This all takes so much time and I know it is so hard to wait it out and watch your H go thru this. It is hard because the man you love is still emotionally attached to the OW and not attached to YOU the way you want him to be. I know it kills you. I am going thru the same things right now. I have just had to detach myself and take it day by day. Have you read any of CV55's posts. She is going thru a very difficult time as well. I will see if she can come over here and give you some support! In the meantime, sit back and keep posting. K? And dont LB him. I know it is hard!

Mom -

Thanks for your support. Have you ever contemplated giving up the whole thing?? My husband is giving to me, and I am not so good at recognizing it. I just want more but I am pushing him to hard. He says he has not desire to be with OW now but he is still struggling with his feelings for me (is that normal??) I want to be there for him, last night he asked me to hold him. I want to be strong but it is such a scary ride you know.

I appreciate all the support I get at this board. It is nice to be able to post when I am stressing instead of taking it out on him, which I am not so good at:)

BTW - my husband also came out to the door this morning as I was leaving to give me another kiss goodbye. I already had gotten one from him but he ran out and said wait a minute and gave me another one.

Would you guys just kick my butt for not giving him the credit?? I guess I am just wanting him to go through some of this MB stuff and see if it will help his feelings:) To much to ask?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but he is still struggling with his feelings for me (is that normal??)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, that is perfectly normal. My H is struggling with his feelings as well. You need to accept what he is giving you and run with it. The feelings will come back, but it will take time. I KNOW how you feel...Believe me. I dont think I can love my H anymore than I already do, and I KNOW he is not "in love" with me yet, but I am taking whatever I can get right now. I am being as patient as I can be.

From what you are saying, I think your H is trying very hard to show you he cares and is trying to work on it. You are expecting too much too fast. This take time and patience. relax and stop obsessing over it!

Did I ever want to give up? NO, not after my H moved back into the house. I had my moments when he was gone though, but I KNEW I wanted my marriage more than divorce. And I will not ever give up on my H. I have forgiven him for what he has done and I am moving forward. I dont talk about the A unless he wants to. I take his signals and go from there. This mroning we had a nice long chat about OW and the A. He wanted to talk, so we did. But I do not push him to talk. Have you forgiven your H yet?

Marriage is HARD work. It is a constant chore, and you must be willing to work on it at all times in order for it to succeed. You cant just want to give up on it. Change your attitude and start treating your marriage like it is the most important thing in the world. If you want to save it, then YOu must be willing to work on it and help your H thru this emotional roller coaster! Be there for him. It sucks, but it is worth it.

Mom -

Hoping you are still out there. Just talked with WH and now he wants divorce again. He says it is pointless because he can't do this up and down anymore. I am trying not to be up and down, anymore. Do I try to beg him to stay and continue with Plan A or just let him go?

Faithfull, Mom asked me to read your posts hoping maybe I could help you out. First off, I'll say what I have often said since the truth of my H's A began dribbling out on 1/8/04, and that is THIS WHOLE A EXPERIENCE SUCKS! So do you feel better now? This experience is one big roller coaster ride. There our days when I feel hopeful, and if you read some of my recent posts, there are days I feel so badly I want to quit. However, something has made me keep on going. You are not at the point of giving up yet.

Now, concerning H's not having the feelings for you yet. He is in withdrawal and is totally confused. I can't even imagine if ow lived 5 doors down from us, besides the fact that I'd want to kill her on a daily basis. Anyway, you have to give your H some time. I was the master interrogator in the beginning. My H had trouble giving me details. I then had to take a break. I also realize that I need him to be in a place that he can really help me with the pain of those details. Now I go through phases of questioning, but not like I used to.

In the very beginning of this nightmare my H didn't even want me to touch him. I then offered him tons of head rubs, stomach rubs, back rubs, etc. He was an emotional wreck. You'd of thought he was the one who had been betrayed for 9 months. He started to loosen up and couldn't believe I was being so kind to him. Our sex life came back fairly fast in the beginning. Before that he actually didn't think he was attracted to me anymore.

Ow worked for him and continued working one month after D-day. When she officially left that is when H's withdrawal really kicked in. Suddenly he was not interested in me. Two weeks later he resumed contact, saw her briefly once, and spoke to her on the phone for 2 weeks. He confessed to me and now has had NC for almost 5 weeks.

I have hated this withdrawal stage. Seeing your H grieve for another woman, all I can say is YUCK! What has gotten me through this is venting like crazy on this board. Several weeks ago I got to the point of wanting to Plan B him and he didn't even want to leave. I just was so sick of comforting him. The good MB folks here talked me out of that one. I am now seeing my H, the man I knew pre-A, more and more. At first he showed me very little affection and now he does often.

When I wanted to Plan B him I decided we needed help from Steve Harley, so we have begun working with him. We were in MC, but I decided we needed to get stronger before hitting the deeper issues.

I'm not sure what else to say. Your H is showing you affection, so that is a good sign. Also, this is very important, GET ON AN AD! I am a counselor and was hesitant to get on an AD myself. I told myself I had a reason to be so sad. Two weeks into this I called my doctor and said I thought maybe I should be on an AD because I was in a crisis. Her opinion was if it takes the edge off and helps me cope better with the situation I should go for it. THAT was the best decision I made. Before the AD I was crying all the time. It really did help me cope. You have been traumatized. Doubly so because your H had an A with your friend. I can't even imagine! I don't know why your therapist would not recommend an AD, but you have experienced a serious trama. Call your doctor today! I am on Lexapro and it is very fast acting. I was surprised how quickly it kicked in. Some ADs can take 4 to 6 weeks.

Sorry, this post was kind of long. Hnag in there! Just remember we are all here for you. This MB stuff does work. Now that I appear to have my H I'm not always sure I want him, but I doubt we'd be here if it weren't for the way I reacted because of MB. Take Care! CV

CV -

I have been pushing him to hard. He wants to get a divorce now. I need to back off. I really want to ask him to see Steve Harley with me. Is it a bad time to push him??

Faithfull, did he just tell you he wants a divorce? I'm confused because your H seemed like he backed off of that idea.

I don't think I'd force anything on him now. Get yourself stable. If you have a doctor call him/her today and check out an AD. When you are calmer you will be able to give better. It really sucks that we who have been so damaged are the ones that must give in the beginning, but it does work.

I actually spoke to Harley before my H. It was very helpful. Why don't you talk to him and see what he says.

Truthfully there are other people here that are much wiser than me concerning the MB principles. I am still struggling through it all myself. What I can tell you is that the pain does decrease. Last Thursday it was triggered for me again, but overall it really does get better. Take care of yourself. If your H is a good dad and loves his children that also can help keep him going while you rebuild your love for one another. Don't expect a lot from him now. CV

I really want to ask him to see Steve Harley with me.
I recommend YOU talk with Steve Harley first. It does not have to be joint counseling with your h.
Your h doesn't need to even be involved at first, especially if he is not open to doing much right now.

My husband had backed off of the idea but he called and said he is still thinking about doing it. I sent him a text message asking him to reconsider and to see Dr. Harley with me. I think I will call and make an appointment for me. It is so expensive though. I know it may be worth it but...

I am going to call my doctor now. I can't stop crying and crying and crying.

Waiting to hear back from my husband on what to do next.

i don't know how to do the link thing but if you go back a few pages under this forum (GQII) you can read my post about my sessions w/SH. it's starts "4th session w/SH and the "plan" I've had 4 session w/SH and my H has had one. I had 3 sessions before my H talked to SH. just from my own experience you would probably need at least 2 sessions w/SH before you could really "suggest" that your H talks to him. simply because of the fact that the sessions are at most an hour long and the first one by and large is you telling him "your" story and maybe answer a few of your questions.

I really think that reading my post will give you an idea of what to expect even though our situations are not exact. i have my next seesion w/SH tomorrow and will post on that as well. prayers to you.

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Listen, calm down! It's good you are calling your doctor. There are many different ADs. I just liked the Lexapro because it was fast acting for me, with little side effects. Everyone reacts differently to an AD. See what your doctor thinks. Also, if you aren't sleeping mention that also.

Try to be the clear one here with your H. Tell him you don't want to give up on your M. Your family is important to you. Divorce will adversely effect your children's lives and it is nothing to jump into. You both have been through a trauma and you need time to recover. YOU are not the one who will pursue the option of divorce. If he chills out, then you need to chill out. Come here and vent, but allow him to become more stable. These WSs are so confused they need us BSs to be stable. Not easy! Just remember you aren't the one who had the A. You are clear about your M. He ran away into his fantasy world. You need to help bring him out of the fog. This isn't the time to push. Just fill his little love bank so he starts to feel hope again. CV

Thanks for all of your comments. I did ask him about Dr. Harley but I think I am going to make an appointment for myself anyway. I am trying to calm down and I am going to see the doctor in the morning. I am just hoping it is not to late and my WH does not file before then. In the message I sent him I told him that I would stop pushing him and that I really valued our marriage and believed in us. Hopefully he will come home later with a different attitude but I am not all that hopeful. Any ideas on how I can at least get him to stay so I can complete my plan A??

Faithfull, sorry I had to run out and again I dont have much time...parents are due in any minute now...Dont listen to your H right now. You are taking everything he says literally! It is like listening to an alcoholic when he is drunk! You cannot believe what they say! People will tell yuo to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME! In the beginning you need to take it ONE MINUTE AT A TIME!

You also need to stop pushing him so much. You are trying to MAKE him do something he is not comfortable with. back off! Let him ride this out. He has a lot of things to sort out in his head. I know it is difficult to sit there and watch this, but if you want to save your marriage you must let him detox! He is still addicted and is still withdrawing.

As CV said, I also almost Plan B'd my H a few weeks back. We are all human, and we as BS can only take soooo much pain before we explode. I exploded one day and told H to just leave. Matter of fact, I did it two weekends in a row! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I would not suggest you do that. It is not the solution. Since then, I have learned to come here and vent!

About Steve Harley! Make your appt. ASK, do not tell, your H if he would like to join you! Say...H I have made an appt with Steve Harley for such and such date, I would like it if you could join me on the session, but if you are not comfortable that is ok, I understand. I am going to however talk to him myself"...then drop it. If he wants to talk to him, he will. That is what I said to my H and he talked to him. My H was still in his A too. He had just left OW and came home for his session. We didnt' talk for the entire 45 minutes before the session cuz Steve harley was running that far behind that day. We just sat there and stared at teh walls.

Faithful..you need to calm down and get on some AD's. I am on Effexor, but I have heard it causes low libido. Wellbuterin is good too. There are a ton of them out there. I have tried at least 6 of them. They work. Also, ask your DR for some Xanax to calm your nerves.

And do not listen to the babble your H is telling you! I will be back this afternoon to check up on you!