Last year about this time I was visiting my fiance who was stationed for one year away from me, and found some e-mails that scared me. The e-mails were actually from a year earlier that he did not delete (he does not delete anything). During a week long period, he had written to a bunch of his past hook-ups, and said a lot of explicit things. One e-mail in particular was very bad because they had actually met for lunch and there were some scary things insinuating that some things may have happened. She had also sent him explicit pictures.

I confronted him about these e-mails and I have been determined to give him the benefit of the doubt on the scary one (even though I am haunted by the thought of it every day). He did not see what was so bad about everything, and I had to explain to him how much it hurt me. I asked him to not ever talk with these women again because it hurt me so much. And he said he wouldn't.

A year later, which was a few months ago, I found out that he had still been periodically calling the one girl whose e-mail had scared me the most. I confronted him about it and told him how much it hurt me that he had promised me he would stop calling her. It turned into this huge argument that ended in complete disagreement. I told him that I didn't feel safe in the relationship. In turn, he said that it wasn't right for me to ask him not to be able to contact these women. He said it made him feel like a little kid.

Everything's been fine lately, except for my emotional status. He has not been contacting them (and believe me I'm checking everything), but I'm scared and nervous all the time now (I try to hide it from him). It really wears on me.

However, the other day, I found (through constant snooping that he doesn't know about) that he had e-mailed one of these girls. I was hoping that this wouldn't happen, because I was finally starting to trust him again. The e-mail wasn't very bad, flirtacious but not explicit.

The question is: What do I do? We are supposed to get married in a few months. Does this mean I have a lifetime of worrying about these contacts? Do I not marry him? Does this mean he will philander? The worst part is that I can't trust him - he said he wouldn't contact these girls, then changed his mind saying I'm treating him like a child. I didn't think he WOULD contact these girls again since he knew how much he hurt me.

What do I do???

Honey...if you don't trust him before you get married then how will you trust him after you are married?

The word marriage does not just invoke trust...it's something that is earned...and he isnt earning it and obviously doesn't see anything wrong in what he is doing....and doesn't seem willing to quit.

The question you need to ask yourself is...."Do I want to marry someone that I can't trust and obviously doesn't care enough about me to stop doing something that hurts me?"

You are lucky that you found out this stuff BEFORE you married him so that you know full well what you are getting into to. You will be marrying someone is in no way committed to you and has no intention of giving up his girlfriends. He simply is not marriage material and has demonstrated this to you LOUD AND CLEAR. He is untrustworthy so you will not be able to trust him.

Now, if that is the kind of guy you want for a husband, then you have your man. Just don't complain when he continues to do this after you are married, because you went into it knowing FULL WELL what he was like. Only it will be harder to get out of it when you have 3 little kids, no job and a huge mortgage.

And please don't delude yourself into thinking you can change him, you can't. Dating is a TESTING period to determine if someone is good marriage material. For most women, he wouldn't pass the test.

We've been together for almost four years and have sacrificed a lot to be together because of some extensive training he's had to undergo. If I have no proof that anything's happened physically, how do I know that he's not just keeping himself aroused mentally?

He thinks that he should be able to use his own discretion with who he talks to and about what he talks about, and that I should trust him. Isn't this true? If he truly is just innocently flirting to build his ego, is this grounds for me not to trust him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've been together for almost four years and have sacrificed a lot to be together because of some extensive training he's had to undergo. If I have no proof that anything's happened physically, how do I know that he's not just keeping himself aroused mentally?

He thinks that he should be able to use his own discretion with who he talks to and about what he talks about, and that I should trust him. Isn't this true? If he truly is just innocently flirting to build his ego, is this grounds for me not to trust him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you actually come back and read what you just wrote?

Now you are making excuses for him. That's called enabeling.

He should need NO ONE but you to arouse him mentally or physically if you are to be married.

He should also need NO ONE but you to build his ego if you are to be married.

You should trust him though he's already lied to you.....hmmm....okay...whatever you say honey.

You've sacrificed alot to be together huh?
Then why can't he sacrifice the relationships with these OW for you?

No proof of anything physical?
It doesn't have to become physical to be an affair....it already is an affair. It's called and Emotional Affair.

I'd much rather my husband "bang" someone for the heck of it than become emotionally attached to them....which is what your fiance is doing.

Your finace SHOULD be able to use HIS discretion about who he talks to and about what he talks about......but when it causes a problem for YOU and makes YOU uncomfortable...then his priority should be to stop whatever makes you feel uncomfortable.

Tell me this....if he beat you...and it made you uncomfortable and you wanted him to stop but he didn't want to....would you expect him to stop beating you or keep making excuses to keep doing it?

There is no excuse for continually and knowingly hurting someone that you claim to love.

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dubious:
<strong>

He thinks that he should be able to use his own discretion with who he talks to and about what he talks about, and that I should trust him. Isn't this true? If he truly is just innocently flirting to build his ego, is this grounds for me not to trust him? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you can live with it, I say go for it! But just don't be deluded into thinking this will change. And just know that he does not care enough about your feelings to stop this behavior even though he knows it bothers you. [it would bother most women]

He should be able to use his own discretion about who he talks to. He is a grown man. And he also has a right to sneak around and lie to you all he chooses. That is his right. And it is also your right to use your discretion about what kind of marriage you want.

A partner that sneaks around, lies, and carries on relationships with other women is usually not considered marriage material. You might not agree with that, though. If you can live with a man you can't trust, who has no respect for your feelings and who persists in carrying on relationships with other women, then you have your man. But I sense that it bothers you intensely or you wouldn't be here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dubious:
<strong>If he truly is just innocently flirting to build his ego, is this grounds for me not to trust him? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, you know it's not just innocent flirtation and secondly, why would you trust an untrustworthy person? He told you he would stop and continued to do it. He lied to you. He sneaks around behind your back and talks to these women.

Is that the behavior of a trustworthy person? No, thats not even the behavior of a man who is committed to you, Dubious. That is not the behavior of marriage material.

A committed man gives up his girlfriends. He has not done that. He refuses to do that.

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

So is there a Plan B if you are not married? I love him deeply and have invested so much effort into our relationship. I also feel that other than these things that I've mentioned, which occur so infrequently, he's perfect for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dubious:
<strong> So is there a Plan B if you are not married?</strong>

Yes, its called - "I have the right to choose what kind of man I want to be married to, and you have proved by your actions that you cannot keep your promises to me. If you cannot commit to a relationship based on total honesty, mutual respect, and caring for each other, then I do not want to see you again. It's better if we face these issues now, rather than after we are married."

I know that it hurts to hear these things, but the people who are talking to you here have been married for many years, most have children, most have experienced the pain caused by dishonesty and lying. You are setting yourself up to marry a man who has already lied to you, demands his right to a private life with other women, and got away with hurting you already without facing any consequences.

And what do you say?

<strong>I love him deeply and have invested so much effort into our relationship.</strong>

You love him deeply BECAUSE you have invested so much effort into your relationship. Its YOU who is fully invested in this relationship, not him. He is skimming the surface of "commitment" as he sees it. He is NOT ready for marriage. He thinks he has found someone who he can manipulate, someone who gives him a lot of what he needs, and when he "needs" something a little more, he will help himself, because you have already let him get away with it.

Take control of your life before it is too late. YOU are the one who determines how the men in your life will treat you. Right now, you are letting the man you have chosen do whatever he likes with no consequences. Believe me, you have already set the pattern for your future relationship.

One thing it took me a long time to learn - when a man really loves you, he will do everything he can to try to make you happy - he will see making you happy as his mission in life - and if he has done something inadvertantly to hurt you, he will move Heaven and Earth to change himself in order to please you.

Your man is not doing this - in fact, he is already yelling at you that you are trying to control "his life". This is a standard tactic when men are uncommitted - to try to throw the ball back in your court by accusing you of being "controlling". Don't buy it. It's a clear sign that he is not willing to be committed. One marriage counselor, in fact, told me, "When one of the parties in the marriage starts saying 'Trust me', then all my antenna go up - then I know there is something REALLY wrong."

I also feel that other than these things that I've mentioned, which occur so infrequently, he's perfect for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, he's perfect for you if you want someone who will lie to you and mistreat you once you are married, because being married will not change things for him. And I would suspect that these things do not occur "infrequently". They occur whenever he feels like it and whenever he thinks he can get away with it.

I know that reading these things will sound harsh, so to help you, ask yourself some questions.

Why do I feel I need to be married to him, even though he has lied to me and yelled at me when I told him how much this hurt me?

Why am I making excuses for him, even going so far as to allow him to "arouse himself mentally" by having explicit conversations and sharing explicit pictures with other women?

Why am I tolerating being treated this way?

Do I want to live the rest of my life feeling the urge to spy on my husband?

If he lies to me about this, what else might he lie about?

Is there anyone in my family who is an alcoholic?

I ask the last question, because as the adult child of an alcoholic, I know first-hand the tendency to "look the other way" at glaring faults, rationalizing that "no-one is perfect". Adult children of alcoholics will often tolerate all manner of dishonesty and abuse, and are drawn to men like your fiance, who are almost guaranteed to mistreat them. Adult children of alcoholics get stuck in the hopeless pattern of trying to "change" the person who is "otherwise wonderful in every way".

Which brings us back to your first question - is there a plan B if you are not married? I suspect you asked this question because you are hoping there is something you can do that will bring about a change in him. There is nothing you can do to cause change in him. You cannot manipulate him into changing by threatening not to see him unless he "changes". You can only control yourself. You have to decide what is right for you. Plan B is a tool, for married people, designed to separate the wayward spouse from the other person - it is a last resort, and in order to be effective, the betrayed spouse has to be prepared to accept that the wayward spouse will not return to the marriage. Effectively, the betrayed spouse says, if you cannot be committed to this marriage, you must go, and until and unless the other person is out of your life completely, and you meet my requirements, I will have no further contact with you. This is not meant to punish the wayward spouse, but to protect the betrayed spouse. For the wayward spouse to return, he has to demonstrate by his actions that he is willing to live in such a way that the protection of his spouse and his marriage come first, not his own selfish needs.

So ask yourself one last question - do you feel safe with your fiance, and do you feel that he is willing to protect you and your relationship above all else?

Right now, I would say the answer is no. He is putting himself and his own needs first and is expecting you to do the same. Not a recipe for a good marriage.

Have the courage to be honest with yourself, and save yourself years of pain. Stand up for yourself and get out of this relationship.

All the best,
LIR

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Dubious--I have a very simple standard. Anything he feels compelled to lie about or not tell you is CHEATING. If you do no set your boundaries now, it will be much harder to command respect later. Just keep that in mind... --DT