Dear Dylan,

While we were on the phone tonight, I said I would put this thread up, so here it is.

I hereby invite you to unload all the baggage you are and have been carrying around with you for all these years. Every little or big thing that has made you hurt, or unhappy or resentful, give it to me right here, right now. Get it all out. From my past infidelity to that groaning noise I make when I eat... all of it.

Once and for all.

I promise not to be hurt. I promise not to react. I promise not to come back and post anything to devalue or 'correct' your feelings.

What I will do, is apologize for the things I feel I need to. Explain my actions where I can, though not excuse them. And maybe at the end ask if there is anything I can do to reassure you that these issues will never be a factor again.

I do wonder what I should do (if anything) if there are 'facts' that I don't feel are accurate. Hmmm... I guess I will have to speak up on that, but I can promise to do it in a non-confrontational manner.

The reason I open this thread is two-fold.

One: I want to give you a chance to get this all out. Once and for all. Wether we make it together or not, you cannot carry all this in you and expect to ever have a happy life. Enough is enough. It's time to get it out.

Two: although I already have an idea of much of what you will post, I want to have a clear, accurate list of where I went wrong. Wether or not we make it together, I want to own up to my mistakes. Face them and learn from them.

So the offer is open and here. We cannot have a hope at all for the future until the finger pointing stops. I can't shake the feeling the finger pointing won't stop until you feel that you have expressed yourself and been heard.

The catch? I'm going to read your post. I'm going to reply to it. I'm going to keep it and my reply. If we decide to make a go of saving this family, I will keep this post and take it to heart. Once you are done posting, there will be no need for any more finger pointing or blaming. You will have done it. If you forget something, you can always add to the list here, but there will be no need to drudge things up or carry them around inside you unless you feel that I haven't gotten the message. Sound fair to you?

So there ya go.

dewt

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Hi Dylan,

Nice to meet you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Please excuse me for a moment.

dewt, how can you promise to not be hurt? You can promise not to react to hurt, but how can you promise to not feel hurt?

These will be WORDS dewt:
What I will do, is apologize for the things I feel I need to. Explain my actions where I can, though not excuse them.

Then you said this:
"And maybe at the end ask if there is anything I can do to reassure you that these issues will never be a factor again."

MAYBE???? MAYBE you will ask dylan if there's anything you can do? dewt!!!! For Pete's Sake!!! Take action!! DO something!!! Find the nearest pen, pencil or crayon. Then find a piece of paper or write on the friggin' wall if you have to!! YOU make a list of what actions you are willing to take that you believe will reassure her. Then ask her to go over the list and tell you what actions will reassure her and which ones won't. Invite her to add to your list but if she doesn't, start DOING the things that will reassure her and ADD TO THE LIST YOURSELF and then ask her to go over the list again.

dewt! Don't ask dylan to do ANYTHING that you can do yourself or can at least ATTEMPT to do!

Take care dylan and dewt

Alright, so maybe a few things will sting a bit. Still, I'm asking for radically honest communication. If something hurts, well, I'm willing to face it.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe. She may yet decide that she doesn't want me to try to fix anything. She may decide that after everything, she's done. A reply to that effect may be inappropriate.

As for actions that I may reassure her or help her believe...

I've spend the last 4 months scrambling to do just that. Trying to guess what actions she was looking for. Eductated guesses, mind you, but guesses nonetheless. And many of these things have improved me significantly in my daily life.

Still, this thread is not about me. First and foremost, this thread is about her. About giving her a chance to vent her unhappinesses and angers. And one thing I cannot do is write this post for her. And if I tried, it would defeat the purpose.

I'm still wondering if my reply should be anything more than, "I hear you."

dewt

Huh?
"I'm still wondering if my reply should be anything more than, "I hear you." "

I'm guessing that you've had a lot of words over the years since your first affair--followed by little or no action in the areas that needed it the most for your relationship to be rebuilt.

OF COURSE your reply should be more than "I hear you". What about this....?

I hear you and THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO because of what I heard.

And if you're asked 'what will that do about what I said' take that as a cue that you misunderstood what was said and ask for further explanation so that you do hear.

You said:
"I want to give you a chance to get this all out. Once and for all."

dewt, are you expecting to have all the pain go away if dylan gets it out "Once and for all"? It won't dewt--that takes recovery and rebuilding steps, you know, actions, consistent actions over a period of time.

Are you sure this is something you two should be doing on your own? What do you think about getting the guidance of a qualified therapist?

I had my first session with my psychologist last week. I'm hoping Dylan will join me. (He does personal and marriage counselling)

And when I say 'get it all out, once and for all,' that's pretty much what I mean... lay it all out on the table. Recovery takes time, to be sure, but acknowledging the issues seems to me to be a good place to start. It's not all about my affair either. We have many issues. My affair happened for a reason too. (No excuses, there, just an acknowledgement that there are issues that predate my infidelity)

And, yes. I agree that my reply should be more than just "I hear you." I was just trying to be not so 'martian'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

dewt