Believer, I feel so sad now. I don't know how to write this Plan B letter. I even don't know he has the A or not. What is the condition for contact?

RH: he told me today. He feel that I bacame very strange now, he doesn't what I think and what I want. I asked him that is the change good or bad. He said that there is no standard for good or bad. Than I said do you like my change. he didn't answer. He just said he didn't know how long it will last. He said let's seperate and see what happen.

Believer, did you recieve my pictures?

LNH,

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it seems to me if he's acting this way (staying out all night, talking about separating, not recognizing the effort you are making) that he is either still in the A, or thinking that if he gets out he might be able to continue it.

It's some of the behavior I got from my WH after the first time he and OW became physical, and was when he was telling me that was all over with and that it only happened once. He was still seeing her and being honest about it, but was telling me nothing was going on. (It was before I found MB).

I found later that things were still continuing on a very physical level the whole time.

I have no room to talk about Plan B and when to do it, obviously! But I agree that you should be preparing your letter. As a starting point, use some of the examples on here, or the one in SAA, if you have the book.

LL

Sis and talk about how to Plan B.

1. How to due with kids. We think that he should be responsible for them, but don't want him to get away to easy. But don't want him to just visit lightly with no responsibilities. She suggested to have the kids each person per week, is that fiar for the kids? If I take care of kids all the time, is that fair to me?

2. I still don't want to do it, is there alternatives?

I am weak, very weak. Please help.

LNH I think your weak because of all that your H has put you through. How many more sleepless nights will you go through? I think you need to go into Plan B. I want to tell you something Jennifer told me. Plan B is not selfishly just for you, it's for you and your WS, might be the eye opener that he needs to realize that with or withour him you are moving on. If you don't like the way he's treating you and he's hurting you so much, how much more can you take? JMHO

Timan, I know all your said. My sis said the same thing. I told him that my emotion and logi are fighting. I need to pray very hard.

I will pray for you also lnh.

Timan, thank you for the prayer.

I have these symptoms aain, shaking, cold hand, sad and headache. But I managed to drive home safely. Praise GOD. Sis was worried. I called her.

When I came home, WH was here. But now he is taking a nap. What do I do with an H like this. If I talk to him, what should I say? Talk about how to seperate? Since this is what he wants, he will get it. Do we come up with an agreement of some sort?

Lostnhurt -

I really think it is time to write the Plan B letter. Your WH is going to make you sick. You can do this. Plan B will make you stronger.

It is obvious to me that your WH is still having an A. Married men do not stay out all night, unless something is going on. I know you don't want to hear this. But it is the truth.

Don't look at Plan B as the end. It is the best way to get your H back. It will force him to depend on OW for all of his needs.

Letter should be something like this:

Dear H -

I love you and always will. I am sorry for the things I have done to bring our marriage to the state it is in.

When we married, it was my desire to be with you for the rest of our lives. It has now come to the point that you are unhappy. As a wife who loves you, I cannot keep you here against your will.

To preserve my love for you, please have no contact with me unless you feel you can truly commit to the marriage.

The children love and need you. I am confident that we can work out a schedule for them to spend time with you.

Should I discuss the seperation with him today and hand him the letter?

Lost..listen to Believer and the rest...they have been there and know what they are talking about...you know with the way WS is treating you now is affecting your health ...you need to be strong for your children hon...you will be in my thoughts and prayers...

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

MO, thank you. I will do it. But when? I don't knwo whether I should wait till Monday to talk to Dr. Harley or SH, or just just do it today.

Lostnhurt -

There is no hurry. Wait til Monday and talk to the Harley's. But you do need to start thinking about Plan B. Also get your letter ready.

You may be able to work out the start of Plan B so it is the best timing for you. When are you done teaching?

Plan B is wonderful. You will be able to concentrate on you and family, and will not be sick and hurting all of the time.

My WH is still with OW, but I am doing fine. I am closer to my boys than ever. We do things together and have fun. I don't have to worry about what WH is up to.

Today I got the tub for a pond. I am going to have a backyard pond with koi. I have some water plants from last year and am going to work on pond today.

Hope you can move on to Plan B, and get your life back. I am very worried about you. You work too hard, and get too little sleep. Let your WH go, I really think he will be right back. Right now, he is not thinking about you and family. But that can change.

I am not in hurry at all. I will be done teaching by the end of June. Then I will be free. New semester will start in Sept., but that is too far.

Wh slept fo 3 hrs this afternoon, who knnow what he did last night.

When he got up, he sat in front of the computer again. After sedning D to her friend' Bar Mitsva, I asked Wh to take a walk, he refuse. So I asked him what he likes for dinner, he said anything. So I cooked chickend wing and cauliflower. Wh said S wants McDonald's checken nuggets, I said let's ride a bike there. He said, you can go with him. I decide to just not go. S loved what I cooked.

After dinner, S asked whether dad and mom can go a bke riding with him. Once again, Wh sai d mom can go with you. S just went out, he already used to be w/o dad. By the time i went out, he was playing ball with neighbor's kids. So I told him to keep playing, b/c I want him to have more interaction with the kids.

When I came in, I found WH was clean up S's room. S had nose bleeding so much, the few spots in the wall was full of bloody boogers. I tried to clean few times, but they all sticked there. I was thing to paint over them. He was trying very hard and complaining, how could you stand such ugly things. I said you are really good at cleaning, you did a good job. let me help. He stopped his complain. Then he tried to to the headboards in the guest room's bed, but the bed was bigger then it, he had to give up. I thought at least it is an excercise that can get him moving.

Then his sat in front of the computer again. I got out the lesson CD, we did our 3rd lesson. When we almost done, D called and asked to pick her up. So he left to picked her up now. I said I will read him one more chapter of HNHN. He said ok. I hope he will when he came back.

lostnhurt -

I cooked chicken too. Also made some potato salad. It was yummy.

I went to the garage sales this morning with my 2 friends and found "His Needs, Her Needs" for only 50 cents. I read the first couple chapters.

Hope your H will do the homework with you.

Sounds like there was some good food being prepared. On my end, I was busy with the house and forgot to eat this evening. I ended up painting my fingernails (trying to get ready for this Florida trip I don't want to take on Monday), and then I fell asleep on my bed waiting for them to dry.

I woke back up at 3:45am and couldn't sleep so have been up since then. Normally I'd try to sleep some more, but I have to get up at this time Monday morning to catch the flight I'm on, so figured if I stay up now, I'll be good and tired early tonight.

LNH, I think it's promising that your WH is willing to listen to the lessons. I know he's not where he needs to be yet, and Plan B may well be in your very near future. But if he didn't care at all I don't think he'd do the lessons at all.

LL

LNH,

You've been silent on this thread today. I haven't had time to check your others.

I hope things are going better for you and that you and your H got a chance to do your lessons.

I am flying to Florida early tomorrow morning so am taking care of some last minute posts on here and then I won't be back on until Wednesday night or Thursday.

I'll miss all you guys!

LL

hello lost,
i don't have computer access away from work so i'm just now getting caught up on your posts and wanted to check in with you. again, i think you know pretty much from where i stand but in regards to what has transpired lately this is my opinion.

as long as your h is doing part of the lessons and talking to SH,i wouldn't plan B. that's not to say that you can't work on a letter and at least be prepared to give it should the need arise. you have talked to SH and agree to what he says so continue to do that.

you can still plan A if your H is out of the house and just because he moves out, it doesn't mean that is when you give him the PBL. that may be indeed when you give it to him but i'm just saying that a + b doesn't always = c in these cases. go w/what SH says. you know you can't control or change your H so if he leaves then let him but SH said not to do things to help it along. now of course, i don't have kids so i don't necessarily have that to worry about. but we have a lot of bills and a house, we're not in the same state, and my H's income is not the greatest.

i still don't think in your heart that you are ready to do plan B. because when and if you do that you have to stick to it until he agrees to the terms you have laid down. i think if you did plan B and your H contacted you or did something then i think you wouldn't be able to stick to NC w/him and that's not what you want to happen. you didn't get to talk to SH very long friday so talk to him again this week and get more focused. but always stay the course.

keep up the prayer and keep working on you, continue not to have any expectations of your H, and continue your great plan A. prayers to you, RR

RR, thank you for your insight. I am not ready for Plan B at all. My emotion wants Plan A, my logical thinking wants Plan B. But if I have to I will, I know that it the right plan.

Yesterday was a long and good day, I considered. In the mornig, kids gave me gifts. They seldom gave me gifts, except cards made by themselves. Wh never gave me anything, b/c I didn't give him too much etiher. I thought whateve he wants he can tell me to buy, boy I was so wrong. Kids told me that Wh took them out to buy the gifts when I was in cruise. I was so moved.

The gifts were six different color polo shirts. They were all size S, but were definitely too big for me. When I put them on, kids said it was like my sleepware. I just thank the kids and him and smiled a lot. I really wanted to returned them and changed. But Wh said it lloked good on me, and said that if I washed them they will shrink. So I put all od them in the washer and left for Church. I did invite Wh to go with me, he said that you father doesn't go to church, why do i have to go. I told him that whehter he wants to go, it is his decision.

After we came back from church, it was almost 3pm. He was home. I asked him that whether we can go to buy the computer for my dad he promised a while ago and spend some time with my parents. He said ok. While we arrived the computer store, the roads were blocked by poilicy. We saw them standing behind the policy car and holding guns to one direction, one policy was holding a shut gun infront of the store. But it didn't see to be to tense. So we decided to go grocery shopping fisrt. After we came back, the police were gone, but the store was closed. It was after 5pm.

Then we went to parent's apartment for dinner. Wh was fixing my dad's computer. He cleaned all the cluster and said that it can be used for a while, but he still needs a new one. We will have to go to the store some other time again. It was good time for the whole family sitting together for dinner. I cooked most of them. One the way home, he complimented me about the food, he said that it was healthy and tasted good. We talked many different things, he kept using the word "we".

When we get home, we had a lot to unload from the car. He was doing all of them while I get the kids for a shower and put them to bed. He usually didn't do any of those things. It was 10pm when the house was quiet and settled down. I asked him whether he wanted to watch a movie. he said ok. So we watched a Chinese movie bought from Toronto. Oh, it was the most boring one I ever saw. The motion was so slow, for almost an hour, there was about 20 sentences talked. Finally he said he was too tired to watch such a boring movie. I agreed and stopped. I asked him whehter he want to sleep in my room, he said no, I can not sleep with you. I said ok, good night.

This morning, I realized that I forgot one thing. So i told him right away. I told him that I was very happy yesterday and appreciate everything he did.

I wish everyday is like yesterday. Even though I want him to be more intimate to me. Every time he is with us, he is depositing LU to my bank, but when he disappears, it hurts me more. I don't know what to do. If I don't love him, it may hurt less.