Lost, you know how badly I was hurting in SF...I love my WH dearly, but his A was killing me...Now that I am in Plan B, I feel much better. I dont have to hear the hurtful babble he says to me...although you saw what happend today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I assure you Plan B is solely to protect US the BS from any more torture. My WH is hurting right now, I am sure of it. I can see the confusion in his eyes, the pain he is feeling, although he says s otherwise. Hang in there sweetie

lostnhurt -

Who told you that Plan B is to prepare you for divorce? To me it is to let WH realize what he is losing.

The other thing it does is let the BS get their self-esteem back, and get stronger. I was so hurt at first, but since being in a fair Plan B, I am doing well everyday.

I've been really busy with my neighbor. She is LBing like crazy. I keep telling her to stop, but she can't.

I just think that you need to detach a little from your WH. It sounds to me like he is trying to do just enough to keep you hanging on.

Mom, thank you for your encouragment. You are hurting so badly, but you still help others. You are really a good person. I do feel that Dad will come back one day.

My Wh is very different. His mind is already set. He thought we were seperated already. He is coming home just to help. He is very distant to me.

lostnhurt -

Chin up, girl. Since I have been here, I have heard many people in your situation that are now happily reconciled. And their WS was just as bad as yours, or worse.

I do think it is going to take Plan B to shake him out of his addiction, but if you can wait until it is more convenient for you, I would do that.

Lost, Dad has been seperated from us for a long time. He was gone months ago...I saw something in your WH in SF...he was much more attached to you than my WH is to me...he was kind and seemed genuinely interested. You saw mine leave before it was even over. Chin up girl. Yes, I am hurting, but so are you. I am not hurting nearly as badly as I was yesterday because I was sitting here waiting for the phone to ring for it to be WH or watiing for him to come home. Now I know he wont call me and I know he wont come home. It is a releif. I am not encouraging you to go into Plan B, but I will tell you that I do feel much better now. I can finally be free and not wait for him.

believer, Dr. H said that Plan B is a preparation for Divorce...

Lost,
It sounds like you are in the same situation as I am. I really need to wait until summer to plan B my H. He watches the kids in the mornings and picks up oldest from kindergarten. I teach and can't take anymore days off and can't deal with all this and work. So, when summer gets here and I don't have to worry about a babysitter every day...plan B. Until then I am going to give my marriage every chance I can.

I feel the same way about Plan B...it's going to drive them away, but eventually something has got to change and that seems the only logical step left.

Wh just called, I didn't picked up the phone. He was asking D to pick up the phone.

I finally went in and asked him where he was about. GUess what he said, by hte lake watching other people fishing. That is the funniest thing I ever heard of.

lol, he has no place to go! Plan B hime!

lostnhurt -

Yikes, so many excuses. Girl you have to detach, detach, detach. Your WH is in the fog - find some things to do until you can Plan B him.

Kids are not behaving. D didn't want to do her homework, she said she did most of them in the librayr before I picked her up. But she has to do HCinese, and play her violin. SHe did not do it. I just don't know what to do.

I know I have to detach, but the thing he was doing keep hooking me back. Do I just not go to family activities with him? Do I not allow him to do any work around the house. I am confused and torned.

Lostnhurt-

One of you is completely lost in the fog. The other one (you) is temporarily the strong one. Come along side your children and help them. Forget about WH. You can do this.

I am quite sure your WH will be back, but until then, you have to detach.

You need to get your emotional/self esteem needs met elsewhere. You have been going too long without.

Take up a hobby - Stained glass, horses, dance, body building, fishing, astronomy, basket weaving, cooking, something.

I know you have a mortgage broker job. I work full time, and also started my own property management company. Plus I do volunteer work at the hospital, help my neighbors son learn English, joined a women's support group, etc.

So I suggest you get busy. You can do this, but right now are too tied up with WH

Believer, you are very right from the bebinning. I know I have to detach. I am working very hard on it. But he kept doing these things making me feel more that he is the H I want. Oh, it is so hard.

How is your WH? Does he still knock on your door?

Last night, I prayed so hard when I went to bed. I prayed that I could sleep without any pilss. But I was semi asleep. S had nose bleed 2 times before bed, then one time after he went to bed while I was still posting. At 1am, I finally took a Xenax to help me calm down my anxiety.

But when I finally fell asleep, WH came back at about 2am. He saw me awake and asked me, there is nothing wrong with the computer, why did you have D call me? I was no idea what he was talking about. Then I said that the computer she had her file in was not working, that I knew. But I didn't have her call you. Now I found out that when he called last evening was not because he thought about D, he just returned D's call. D told him that she has to print her homework out which is due today. He thought I was using D to get him home. I won't do things like that, but I didn't explain. Why would I make things more complicated.

Then at 2:30am, S came to my room, he had nose bleed again, I was semi concious. When he settled down, I fell asleep in his bed. I had to get up at 6am. Now my head is nodding, I think I need to get some more sleep.

This morning, when igot up, WH was up to, I asked him whehter he can send D to school, first he didn't say anything, later he asked me whehter I still need him. I said that I am ok. He went straight to bed again. A church friend called, her husband took her car keys, she was asking me to pick up her D's to two different schools. I drove like being drunk for more than 30 min.

I am tired. I need a rest.

You are tired, and you do need a rest. Can you go to bed earlier? I am concerned about your health or you falling asleep at the wheel.

My WH only comes around every 10 days, just like clockwork. Although the last time it was only 9 days. Then he completely disappears again. So next week I am going to be gone on the 9th and 10th day. Hee Hee.

Did you hear about Mom's WH crawling through the doggie door? Too funny.

lost, i hope it's a good morning for you. i'm sorry i didn't reply more to you yesterday but i just seem to be in some kind of funk and i left work really early and just went home and slept. i'm sure satan has his hand in the way i'm physically feeling and hope that it only lasts a few more days. i know that i need to workout and continue to improve myself physically but finding it's getting harder to do. anyway, that's a whole other topic.

thanks for your words of encouragment and know that i really want to do the same for you. i don't want to keep telling you to stay in plan A if you just don't feel like you can. i just still don't feel that you're ready for plan B. it's good that you did the letter and i won't post that in a separate thread to get more responses. it looked good to me but i'm not exactly the best one to probably critique it. maybe it would be better to just give yourself a timeframe to work with? like someone said above that she's waiting until the kids are out of school, maybe that is a better way to look at it.

i would still write down the questions that you are asking here and discuss them w/SH the next time you talk. about whether or not to continue to do family activities together or let your H do things around the house, etc. I guess i'm kind of confused about why your H says he's not going to come home at night as long as you are there, why wouldn't you be there? it's not like you have a night job or that you are having an A and need to stay out all night. but anyway, ask SH how you are supposed to handle the situations and what you are supposed to say.

again, i don't know how you are feeling and how hard this is for you, i don't have kids and i'm not even in the same state as my H. i don't know why but i actually don't think a lot about what he's doing everyday and if he's going to call etc. SH said that my H can't meet my needs right now so i'mm trying to treat it that way. also i have the experience of being separated from my H many times during our marriage due to the military and i'm kind of used to doing things myself. don't get me wrong, thoughts still come in my head and i do get wrapped up in them sometimes but for me i just have to tell myself that it's God's will for me and my H to rebuild our M and i just have to be patient and continue to work on myself. I would rather live w/the hurt of doing everything i could to rebuild my M and it still not working out then to not do everything i could and looking back and realizing that i didn't and feeling regret. does that make sense?

i think about giving myself time frames but now i'm more thinking that the longer i can hold out than the greater liklihood that the OW won't be able to hold out. but again, i still get discouraged and i just want to do a lot of sleeping lately and just want my H to give me a chance to show him what i've learned and now i know what it means about HN/HN and LB's, and how things can be better than ever. i just have to keep clinging to the hope that i will be given that chance. maybe i'm naive but if i can believe that God saved my soul and that i'm going to heaven then what's wrong w/believing that God can work a miracle and allow my H to come back?

there's a lot of ways to look at what's going on and the best thing you can do is to continue to pray. pray for you, your kids, you H, the OW, etc.
you know that you have our prayers and if nothing else gets you throught the day then just take one day at a time. God bless, RR

Slept for almost 2 hours like death. Next time I have to remember take half of the Xenax only. I still did not want to get up, but I have to take D for conseling at 2:30pm, then have to teach.

I tool a shower which made me feel better, but still shaking. I got to eat something. Wh didn't call me at all. I know that he will be pretty good at it if in Plan B. I am sure he won't be here or call at all.

WH just called and asked whether he needs to pick up D. I told him no, I will pick her to conseling. He said what kind? Her headache? I said that you know how unstable her mood is? Since conseling she is better. D told the conselor about our R. She just worried.

Then he heard my voice and asked me you don't feel well. I said yes, I didn't sleep well last night. He said that did I bother you? I said not you entering the bathroom midnight, but your not coming home. I couldn't sleep until you came home. Later S woke me up too. He sighed.

{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

RR, thank you for the huge hug. As i said before, I feel so much love of GOD through you. Hugs for you too.

I have to go now to pick up D for conseling. BTW, I teach at evenings, that is why Wh has to come back to take care of the kids. I am a college prof.

right back at you kiddo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I knew you were a professor but didn't realize you taught at night. do you teach every week night? do you teach all year long? what do you teach?

remember you're in a marathon and you got to take care of yourself in order to stay the course and finish the race. Pray to God w/confidence and dedication and expect him to answer your prayers and for his will to be done but don't expect it to happen anytime soon. that way if it does you will be even more glad. remember we are talking years here. say your H comes back tomorrow under all the right conditions (NC, POJA, etc.) it's been said here that the average recovery time is 2 years. neither one of us is in recovery but we are both still in the first leg of this race.

we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow and maybe we should be glad that we don't. if i knew that my H was definitely not coming back i think i would be having a lot more difficult of a time than i am right now. i wish i knew the words to say to you or knew what to tell you to do but just know we are here to support you and things (the M and your H) are not hopeless. go back to taking your walks and following your words w/your actions, set an example for your kids and get some sleep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> if you have to take a break from the forums in order to sleep, then do it, we will understand. you know i can't do the forums at night or on the weekends and that probably is a good thing. but we all have to do what we have to do.

i'm really missing my dogs and it makes me really sad to think that they are probably not even getting a scratch behind the ears every once in awhile. i have no idea if my H is just leaving them outside for days and not coming home and they don't deserve what's going on anymore than i do. i'm planning on being in my own place by july 1st so that i can have them. i sent a box of dog biscuits to my H and asked him to give them some every once in awhile, the poor things are probably pretty lonely and neglected and i know how that feels. anyway, i gotta go myself and wrap thing up at work. take care and i'll talk to you tomorrow, luv & a prayer, RR