Lost, I think we aer on the same wave length. I have had to start taking my Xanax again too. I had stopped for about 5 weeks. I didnt' take one in SF and you saw how I was. A blubbering idiot.I take 3 a day now...Last night my WH called at 1:00 AM...Then my oldest son had nose bleed this morning. Baby wet the bed twice. I am exhausted right now. I hope you are diong better now. I tlaked to Steve today. I will updat in a bit. STay calm!

RR, I teach math, caluclus, Stat. etc. Probably too boring. Just finished teaching. I teach M. T. TH. evenings and Sat. morning for summer. I will be totally off by the end of June.

Mom, I knnow how anxious we are. I can not take too much Xenax, you see the effect. I have to take half pill in stead of one. Be strong and staty in Plan B.

lost, hope you are getting caught up on your sleep and that you and your family are doing okay. you teach match subjects huh? wow, at least you can help your kids w/their homework. i know my parents never could. i actually like algebra if i'm doing it but it's true that if you don't use it you lose it and basically have to start over learning it every time i have to use it. i actually didn't mind statistics too bad either when i had it (i had psychology stats). now the calculus is just way over my head. at least the subjects you teach don't take a lot of preparation for class, am i right? sometimes it's those small comforts that get us through.

i think i finally got caught up on my sleep. hoping today is better for you it's a new day none the less. God gave it to us so let's use it. is there anyone that you can talk to frequently for support? i know you have your sister but didn't know if you had anyone else. you know we are all pulling for you, prayers to you.

RR, good morning. I am feeling very very sad now. I just found from his cell phone he called OW yesterday. I didn't know what to do, should I congront him? I wrote the phone number down and put it in the island and hope he sees it. But he didn't or pretent didn't.

His heart is NOT here at all. He is very very distant from me, he doesn't not want this M. I just feel doomed.

Last night 0pm when I got home, he was cooking the fish I like. I asked him why he was so late, he said that the kids ate already, but he was waiting for me. I thanked him and had dinner together.

After that I loked at S's stuff. He wrote something that his teacher didn't like. I will post in the ohter thread. I told Wh about it, he didn't think it was a big deal and thought S was joking. But anyway, by the time kids went to bed, it was already 11pm. Wh was watching basket ball. I sat down to watch with him for last few minute, usually I don't do that. It was Laker against Spurs. I was saying that Lk is gong to lose when there was only 0.4 sec left, Laker was 1 point behind. But they made it, they got 2 points in the almost impossible 0.4 sec. It really ispired me. I will work till hte last minute.

Then I said that we have to have our lesson, he sat down in front of the computer. I read chpt 3 of HNHN. I don't know how much got in his hears. He said that you didn't want me to touch you at all, why now? Do you just want to have me back? I said that I want to have you back and want you to be happy. But he went to sleep by himself.

I am receiving all these confusing messages. I feel sad and sad.

lostnhurt -

Your H is still home. Don't give up. The reason he behaves like he does is that he is still addicted to OW. I think you can make it another month, and then go to Plan B. That is what will wake him up.

And just keep loving him back to the marriage. Do not give up. Seeds have been planted, and they will grow. On this board, I've seen many, many happy outcomes. And often they are very sudden. Someone will go through months of trying without hope, and then all of a sudden the miracle happens.

I would like to see you do more with your children or by yourself. You need to detach from the outcome of this and start enjoying your life.

Basketball is an exciting game. You never know what will happen till the last second. And you are right, never, ever give up.

Believer, what do I do with myself and children? Do i just abandon him and go out by ourselves? I am very confused.

He is going to picnic with us tomorrow, Sunday we all go to boy scout outing. the more he goes with us, the more I want him. How do i detach?

Go with him and do things when he will go. But also plan some things to do with kids, invite him, and if he will not go, to alone with your children.

He needs to see that he is not your whole world. Also it will give you something to think about besides him.

I am listening to the tapes about humble. I really need to be humble, obey GOD's will and have joy in my heart. I pray to GOD, please work on me.

you can never go wrong w/prayer, you're strong lost, just look at what you've gone through. but things don't work in our time frames but work in God's time frame. He will reveal things to you and if nothing else look at how close you are to him right now and how much you can help others w/what you know and in your continued growth in Christ. totally immerse yourself w/things of God and get your kids involved and all will come together.

RR, I am working so hard on myself. But why am I still so sad? I asked GOD to change me, come in my heart, give me patience and wisdom. But I still feel so bad.

I made an appointment with SH for next Monday, then called WH to see whether he can talk to him. He just called back and said in an very angry tone. I am busy, I don't want to talk to him anymore. It doesn't help. You can talk to him if you feel comfortable. I was so shocked. But I just simply say that it is next monday at noon, I hope you can talk to him. He softened down and said, well, I will see next week. Then hung up.

WH just called me and asked me to make appointmnet for S's nose bleed. I did and called him back. He just said thank you and ready to hang up. I wanted to talk more. I guess I am so addicted to him. I asked him whehter he will come home tonight, he said maybe. I said what is that mean, do I wait for you for dinner? He said that you never wait for me(????), why now. You just go ahead to eat, you don't have to wait for me. He sounded angryly lately when never I tried to offer something to him. He always said you didnt do this before, or why didn't you do this before, then he just walked away.

Oh, what did I do to make him so angry and so unhappy? What can I do to make him happy?

He is angry and unhappy. That is his problem. Who knows what he is thinking about?

I would stop calling him and go out and do things. Take kids out for dinnner, or to events, sports, something. Go out with your friends, or join a support group.

Believer, I know I know. I am working hard on this. But he kept depositing LU to me while doing other things. I just have to pretend I did see it.

I just sorted out some pictures. Now I am going to paint the doors with lots of finger prints.

LNH,

Sorry I haven't posted much since I got back. I've been really tired, and there's so much catch-up work to do here the office.

In response to your post of:

Oh, what did I do to make him so angry and so unhappy? What can I do to make him happy?

YOU didn't make him so angry and unhappy. Oh sure, maybe some of the things you did may have, but HE is the one allowing himself to remain angry and unhappy. If he let you think you did something nice or good, then he'd feel guilty for what he's doing. If he stays angry and unhappy, he can blame it all on you and keep from feeling guilty.

My WH is this way, and keeps telling me how the OW has nothing to do things, and how he is unhappy and all our problems are because the house wasn't clean enough, the kids didn't show enough respect, blah, blah. Those WERE issues, but not big enough issues to make him go have an A. He chose to do that on his own. He feels guilty because he knows it's wrong. He convinces himself that it's my fault, and that way he isn't the guilty one.

Sounds exactly like what your WH is doing. Try not to take it to heart. Instead, concentrate on the fact that he still is willing to come home and do things with the kids and you, and maybe even talk to SH again.

I think he still cares about his M. On the other hand, if he keeps this up and things don't improve, I think it's going to be very hard on you if he stays there and you have constant contact. Like I said over and over, my WH's moving out has allowed me to start to find a life of my own with the kids, and it's been much more calm and peaceful.

He was at my place all night last night because he helped assemble DD's waterbed and then it was late and he stayed. He actually came in and gave me a hug before he left this morning and then text'd me to "have a good day". I almost feel uncomfortable now because I don't want to let feelings come again for him only to have them dashed. He's still seeing, or at least communicating with OW, because there were two messages on his phone when I saw it before bed.

I'd rather just stay away from him for the most part until things either change in a big way one way or the other.

LL

Lost, just hang in there and if you remember what SH said to me in my last session (tuesday) in which i posted on when i asked him a similar question. when my H brings up that he gave me years to change or that i wasn't like this before or why am i like this now is that (pretend i'm talking to my H) "i had a different belief system that no matter what i did you would be there. i'm not trying to justify it but just that i'm sorry and that part of me is gone. did SH talk about conditional love? it's not about right or wrong, it's more how we are wired and feelings are conditional. if i expect you to feel about me a certain way than i need to give you a reason to feel that way and if we work together things can be better."

if my H were to say something like "i just don't feel that way about you anymore" i could say something along the lines that "i'm sorry for and the person i was doesn't exist anymore and i believe that there is a way for you to get those feelings back, especially if we work together." if he asks how then that is where SH steps in and you tell your H (or i tell my H) to talk to SH because we (the BS) are not really in the position to explain or educate our WS. but we need to continue to create the conditions that would allow our WS to be in love w/us.

i'm taking all this from SH but granted this is for my situation but i still think you can apply it to yours. i'm glad you have a session w/SH on monday. so between now and then any time you think of something you want to ask or anytime a situation comes up that you want to discuss right it down. make sure you also have paper and pen to take notes on what SH tells you. SH can be specific w/you because he knows your situation and has talked to your H as well. don't expect your H to take care of any of your needs because he can't right now and continue the chipping away process.

listen to what believe says too, post your plan B letter in a separate thread in order to get more replies and maybe just working on your PBL will help you feel some control and feel prepared for if and when the time comes to give it to your H. Stop asking him what he is going to do and if the opportunity arises that you invite him or he asks you something then you can go w/that lead. does that make sense? especially stop asking him wether or not he is coming home but that is JMO.

sounds like you have a good project going w/the pictures and painting, just worry about getting through today and take one day at a time. prayers to you.

RR, thank you so much. I am working very hard to do the things you said. I know that Satan is working on me. I have to gather my strength from GOD to kick him out.

Pictures are done. Doors are painted too. I will do few more next week. I just went to pick up D, and we got in a huge storm. Nut now it is sunny. I think that I am in storm now, when will the sun come out? I just have to be patient.

I want to talk to someone so much. But I don't have any one to talk to now. Everyone is busy. I want D to do her homework, but she doesn't want to. S will be home soon, then I will have a homework issue. One line in the poem S wrote me is : SHe always says: DO your homework.

do you mean your son or your spouse says that you always say "do your homework?" well anyway, help them w/their homework and always do your own homework which is 1)praying and trying to do God's will 2) taking care of you so that 3)you can take care of your kids and 3)eventually be able to take care of your M. taking care of you includes getting enough sleep, enough to eat, exercise of the body and mind, and preparing for your session w/SH, and try to find someone else to be supportive. Hopefully, God will send someone your way soon that you can talk to in person.

develope a routine that doesn't include your H but always includes God. Just say, "satan get behind me, i don't want to deal w/you anymore." this may sound funny and i do hope it made you smile a little. but it's true, just pray to God that he will take whatever thoughts, words, and actions away from you that prevent you from doing God's will. even though i question it myself sometimes, it is God's will for you and your H to be M. Well, I gotta go, you know i won't be able to post over the weekend but know i will be thinking about you and praying for you along w/everyone else on the MB forum. These weekends can be tough. God Bless, RR

RR, thank you. I will do that. Have a great weekend. I miss you. See you next week.

I am not very fond with Plan B, Michelle Davis called it "after the last -resort techniqe", Penny called it the Protection Phrase. Whatever name it is, Dr. Harley said that it to prepare you for a D. Here is what Michelle said:

You shouldn't do it unless you are prepared to end your marriage because that is just what it might do. However, it might serve as a wake-up call to your spouse. It is hard to predict what it will happen.

I think that a lot of people think that Plan B will bring the spouse back. It is very risky, SH warned me too.

Lostnhurt,
My IC said that people D when they are willing to give up the trappings of M. A wise priest told me that he respects my commitment to M, but I don't have a M. Are you willing to settle for how your H treats you? God asks us to forgive but does not expect us to continue to be hurt.