gotta go for the day, will check back tomorrow and i really pray that your H talked to SH today. i will need to be asking my H soon to talk to SH again and i'm really scared to do it. it almost seems funny to feel that way but i do. i haven't talked to my H in over a week maybe even close to 2 weeks. i still attempt contact every other day like SH wants me to. sometimes it's through the mail, via email, or leaving messages on the phone. anyway, now that my H has talked to SH once (april 12th), he knows it's through MB, i'm not sure he will do it. i went from the approach before that it was to help me and that even though it was MB that it was counseling for me and that MC takes both spouses.

anyway, i have no idea where my H is at right now, both mentally and physically. i talked to SH about talking to my H about talking to SH again. i have to make it a request from SH not from me when i talk to my H. but do i just call him up and tell him SH would like to talke to him? or do i wait until i get him on the phone about something else and then tell him about talking to SH? well anyway, i guess i'm asking for some special prayer about that. for God to put the words in my mouth that i need to say and that God will help my H to be receptive and more seeds will be planted. but this whole thing about trying to arrange a counseling session is kind of difficult. first, me and my H aren't in the same house or state, you have to make the appt for the WS, if it you don't cancel the appt by noon the day before you're charged $95, plus the big thing of SH usually always running behind and making it that much harder for the WS to call or making it easier for them to change their mind. you know what i mean?

well, now i really gotta go, hope you have a good night and talk to you later, prayers to you, RR

RR, see you tomorrow.

Believer, when will you go to Seattle? I will miss you. Have a good trip.

lostnhurt -

I'm going to Seattle on the 25th of this month. I can hardly wait. I left home when I was 17 and have only been back once, when my oldest son was 1. He is now 22.

My parents and sister have come down to visit over the years. I talk to them every weekend. Now my dad has prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and legs. So I really want to see him while he is still getting around.

I have missed posting to you. I've been so busy at work, and in the afternoon I've been trying to help my neighbor with her cheating H.

I'm glad you had a nice weekend. Hopefully things will get better.

In church this Sunday, the sermon was from Luke 6:46-49, about the man who build his house on the rock, and the man who built his on sand. Both houses were useful and seemed the same, until the storm came.

It made me think of the place we BS's are in. Our lives looked fine, until the storm of adultery came. But those who have built on the rock will survive the storm.

LNH,

I'm really sleepy for some reason tonight so am only going to post a brief note, but wanted to tell you I finally read your weekend post. It sounds like, considering the situation you and WH are in, that you actually had a fairly decent weekend. And it's great that he takes such an interest in participating in his childrens' activities. That's something my WH never really did, even during the best of times.

Stay strong. There are no guarantees in life, but your situation sounds more hopeful than it did.

Mine is the same as it was. WH sends text messages, but rarely calls. I rarely call him either--just text back.

There hasn't been much substance to the messages either lately. In reading RR's post to you, I sort of feel like I'm taking the easy way out now and just giving up, but I don't seem to have any energy left to do a warm & fuzzy Plan A anymore. I'd say it really is more like a modified Plan B with text contact.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LL

hello ladies, i'm going to be starting a new thread today so please take a look at it if you can but only if you feel up to it. i'm not sure what i'm going to say but i'm not doing to well.

lost, hope you were able to get some sleep last night and update us on the session w/SH when you get a chance.

believer, you truly are a great support and thank you for continuing to post to so many people here.

LL, i hope my post to LNH wasn't discouraging to you. that's the last thing i want to do these days. if you do "give up" it's okay but only if you're ready. i guess a lot of where i'm coming from is because even though i am the BS that if i had been the kind of wife i should have been or even half that then i probably wouldn't be in the situation i'm in. so part of what i say is that i'm trying to make things right and because of that i can't give up and want to try and help others who aren't ready to "give up." i just wish i had known about HN/HN a long time ago but if my wishes came true then i wouldn't be here in the first place.

wishing you all strength and prayers.

Good morning, my friends. Thank you for your posting. RR, I will definitely read your thread. But it may not happen till this evening. I am going to a seminar now. Believer, have a good time, being busy is a good thing. LL, I know how you feel, when I am done with this posying you know what I mean. Sometimes our feeling is so strange, how can we not to follow our feeling?

That was what I talked to SH.

Here is where I am and why I am confused:

1. WH went to MBW seminar, and listen to the CDs.
2. He is available to take care of the kids whenever I request.
3. When he was home, he did all the house work, more than what he did before.
4. He cooked dinner for me.
5. He watched movies with me.
6. We had SF, not very frequently.
7. He does not say D any more.
8. He gave me mother's day gifts.
9. He helped my father for his computer.
10. He went to my company picnic, boy scout day camps, etc.
11. He kept saying why didn't you do this before? Meaning it is too late to do that.

These are all positive things deposit LU.

Now:
1. He is still distant from me, he slept in different room.
2. This is killing me: He disappeared in some days, he was somewhere out there over night. He didn't tell me where he was.
3. All his personal belonging were home.
4. When he came back, he did not change his clothes.
5. He claimed his A was over, how do I know?

These all withdrew LU.

Why did he behave such conflict? Why si he thinking? Even SH is confused. I don't know what I should do.

So now I don't have a plan. SH said keep doing what I am doing, one way it seemed to have some positive signs, on the other hand, his disappearance is very destructive. I need to find out what he was doing. I am leaning to find a PI. During the session, SH kept asking what I think I should do, how I feel what to do. I guessed he is as confused as I am.

We missed one lesson Sunday night, so last night we made it up by listening the CD. The second CD was about affection, which he didn't care to practice. What we listened last night was the sencond half of it. It was about SF. He wanted to practice that but without affection.

So there we went, straight to sex. I was ok the first time. But he kept waking up at night, came straight to me two more times. I just couldn't do it. I told him to hug me, and touch me, especially my shoulder. Guess what he said, why do I need to touch your shoulders, I have shulders too, I need to touch something I don't have. Oh, my gosh. How am I going to deal with this. It is back to where we were. That was how our problem occured. Now I know that I didn't have my need of family commitment, domestic support, and affection met. He is doing the other two, which made me feel good, but withour affection, I just don't see how we can have sex. I felt that I lost lots of love to him. I couldn't imagine being with him like that for the rest of my life. He kept asking me, am I too strong? I lied. But I thought so, it seemed that he lasted forever. Can someone invent something like anti-viagra? We both agree to sleep seperatly tonight so we can have better sleep. Please give me some advice, I feel very frustrated now. I think that he is disappointed too.

well lost, i'm not sure what to say about last nights events for you. but i still see it as tremendously hopeful that your H wants to be w/you. again, i don't know how you feel, i hear your frustrations w/your H being the way that he is (confusing) and how you feel. i say that i wish my H would be w/me that way but maybe it's best that i am indeed living in another state. God only knows and that's the truth, only God knows. I just have to resign myself that others have been in our positions and are now in recovery and i also hope that the OW starts LBing my H, i'm doubtful but i can hope.

prayers to you.

I am feeling these anxiety again. Maybe I am so afraid that he is going to disappear again tomorrow. I canit just live in this fear constantly. WH is so cold, like a stone. I think that he can't wait to get out of the trap. I just have to pray to get more strength.

LNH,

I do feel very bad for you. You are in a tough spot. On one hand, you aren't ready for Plan B--I believe that. On the other hand, it's very difficult for you to constantly have to deal with your WH's coldness and fears of him not coming home at night. I lived that.

All I can tell you is that I do believe eventually you will become more numb to it all if it continues. I didn't believe people when they told me I would, but it has happened. I was helped significantly when my WH moved out, even though we didn't Plan B, and even though it really took a while after that for me to feel better.

Obviously, I'm still not in great shape, or I wouldn't have had the emotional breakdown today where I was unable to stop crying for a while. But I feel SO much better than I did.

One way or another, you have to get to the place where your life doesn't revolve around him. Easier said than done when he's around, but I believe that's the key. If I sit around and think about my WH and where we are now, I get sad. If I keep busy, I don't think as much about things, and I don't get sad.

And then it's sort of like a cycle. When I was sad and depressed, I didn't eat well and didn't sleep well which made me feel that much worse. Once I've started to eat better, (and I've been sleeping better for a couple months now--ever since he moved out), my appetite has come back and I've put on about half the weight I lost, I have a little bit more energy, and I feel better.

Are you getting enough rest, or are you still having problems sleeping? (Last night doesn't count--I read your comment about "anti-viagra" and had to laugh. I know it wasn't meant to be funny--it's a serious subject. But the idea did provide a chuckle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I will keep you in my prayers. Stay focused on God and just keep remembering he doesn't allow any of this to happen without a reason. Somehow, it's for our benefit--maybe here on earth, or maybe in Heaven, but there is a point to it all.

LL

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Yikes lostnhurt, no wonder you are tired all the time. I think SF is good - even without the affection. So just do it, and think about some math problems in your head.

Believer, I only had this one after the MB weekend. I was tired b/c of his disappearance. I am sorry to hear about your father. Please spend some good time with him.

LL, thanks for sharing your experience. I do have up and downs now. But as Believer told me couple months ago, the down time is shorter and the up time is longer. I will get over it. I just have to trust GOD.

lostnhurt - Hang in there. You just have to hold on a little longer. I think there have been encouraging signs lately. But don't get your hopes up.

When I pulled in the neighborhood at 9pm, I saw WH's car. He stopped and told me he got a call from work(not OW?). He had to go to work to fix computer network problems and told me that he would be back in 30min to an hour. But it is 10 45pm. There is no trace of him. I am too tired to think of anything. I don't care if he comes home or not any more.

hello all,
today is another day.
lost, when you say that your H is just waiting to get out of this trap, what do you think he is waiting for? is it that maybe you will give up and stop the changes you have made because he knows they wouldn't last anyway? just more reason for you to continue to do what you're doing. just expect him not to come home that way if he does you'll be surprised instead of disappointed. i know easier said then done but believer and LL have said some good advice and i hope i have too. prayers to you, RR

RR, we post to each other at the same time.

WH did come home at arounf 11pm. I was so tired, I guess he was too. So we didn't do our lesson last night. He told me that he had to work Saturday. I asked him how about the kids. He said he will take the kids to Chinese school, then go to work, and will pick them up too. I thanked him for being so responsible. He IS really changed. He was not like this before, I was the only one taking kids to places and run around. But he is more willing to do all these work. But he is just distant to me.

This morning, I checked his cell, he called OW at 6pm yesterday, it was less than one minute. But she can call back to his work. I don't know. I am very disturbed.

S had another nose bleed. I will take him to the Dr. Friday. When he came down, I gave him milk and cereal bar. But he said that he wanted chicken noodle soup. I said it is too late, but WH cooked for him right away. Monday, WH cooked a dish for D at 9pm at her request. I don't know what was going on in his mind. But after eating the soup, S threw up everything. He was ok and sent to school.

Hmmm. Sounds like he is changing. I would have a nice dinner Friday night, put the kids to bed and lure WH into the bedroom. Then I would keep him up half the night and send him off to work Saturday.

Believer, good idea. But the problem is that I even don't know whehter he will be home Friday night. Becasue that will be the day I am off, he said by default, he is NOT coming home.

hey lost and others <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> just got off the phone w/SH so i'll be posting on that in my 2 threads. but i wanted to say i still have some energy left and so do you lost. do what you can to give yourself more energy whether it be by praying, coming here, talking to SH, etc. the truth is that we are still going to go through a lot of negatives before the positives start to happen (per SH) and we just need to use time as best we can.

thanks lost for pointing me to buttonzoo's post it was a good one. make several plans for friday night. by that i mean, have several contingency plans. no matter what have something for you to do if your H is not there or until when and if he comes home, have a plan that if he comes by this time we can do xyz, if he comes home but not until 3 am then just leave a note where he will see it that just says something that is pleasant/thankful/affectionate, etc. continue to reinforce the principles and follow your words w/actions.

love, hugs, prayers, RR

Just call WH to remind him to take DD for conseling tomorrow. But he forgot and told me that he can not do it. I just said that I am glad I called. I had to reschedule the appointment next week. I asked him whether he will come home tonight, he said don't wait for him. Another night of disappearance. I don't when is the end of it. I just feel so baaaaaaaaad.

okay, big 2x4 coming your way lost !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do you keep asking your h if he is coming home?! don't do it!!!! you are just setting yourself up for disappointment and grief. any time you start to ask him that question, just think to yourself "don't do it lost" and think of the pain you are saving yourself. not to mention that your H might be seeing this as an LB and we don't want to be doing that!!!!!! you want to be doing everything you can to work on your M and yourself right? then consider that by you asking your H if he is coming home is sabotaging all your efforts and any ground you have covered so you are in fact NOT doing everything you can.

please know that i'm only trying to support you and maybe i'm way off base but i don't think so. continue to pray to God to help you have the words to say when these instances occur and for goodness sake ask SH what to say. well, okay enough of the 2x4's. continue to work on yourself and balance b/w taking care of what is necessary like SLEEP and doing what you need to do to stay busy. continued prayers to you, love and God bless, RR