lostnhurt - You are too smart, too pretty, too wonderful to go through all of this. You have done a solid Plan A, like the MB poster wife.

I want you to seriously consider Plan B. I think that is what it is going to take for WH to wake up. I hope you can wait til June, but maybe not.

You need to take care of you and your kids. Forget about WH. He will be back.

Believer,

I know all you said. I was lying on bed and thinking, what my life would be if WH is gone forever. But I couldn't think of anything. It is very boring. I can't think of anything fun. I took the kids to garage sale, library, dollor store, etc. Still feel so empty. But now I am going to take a walk, with S.

I just call you, your line is busy. I know you must be on line. I just want to talk to somebody. I will be ok after the walk.

Believer, I am back from walking. I tried to call you, your line is busy. It is ok. Kids are hungry, I have to make them dinner now. I can try again, stay online, do get off for me. We can talk here.

LNH,

I feel your pain when I read your posts. I wish there were some way to make you feel better.

I know it isn't what you want to hear, but if your WH isn't ready to commit to your M yet, I believe your feeling better will come when you distance yourself from him. I can't go so far as saying Plan B, because I really haven't even done that yet.

But distance and time made the difference for me. It did me good to be away from WH so I wasn't wondering about him each night. And then I'd say mid-April was my real turning point where I started to feel good on my own and realized I didn't need him to make me happy. I really haven't started doing anything too exciting yet. I haven't even made it to Al-Anon in the past couple months. I stay busy around the house and working in my garden and at work.

I actually have a lot of things I'd like to do. I am thinking about taking a beginners motorcycle riding class at our local community college. I'd like to learn how, even though I may never get a bike of my own. I have some redecorating I'd like to do with my house now that I have the new furniture in the family room. If I can find a short painting class, I might look into that this fall.

I have a lot of ideas--just a lack of time and money.

Truthfully, I think time will make a difference for you, even if this thing with your H drags out. If I found out about WH's A in October, and my turning point was April, then by my calculations you should start feeling better by about July. That's just over a month. It may seem forever, but I'll bet when you get to that point you'll be able to look back and see you ARE better.

Actually, even though you're very sad, I think you're sounding better now and coping better than you were just a month ago.

Hang in there. God will never give you more than you can handle!

LL

praying that my H is talking to SH right now, his appt was at 8am.

lost,the only thing that i want to say now is that you know that all this is not about that it will take for your H to make you happy. i can tell this from your posts and i know that is not your goal. i know that i can go on and evenutally be happy again but the point here for US is that we want to do all that we can to save our M. that is what it is for you and me (as well as others) and therefore the hesitancy of going to plan B. SH tells me to do what i can for as long as i can because w/time many things can change and as you also know it is a chipping away process that takes a long time to happen.

your goal and mine, is still for M recovery. i can talk all i want about that you need to do this and that but as you know when it comes down to it, it's you who have to decide and be able to handle whatever comes what may. I think that at this point you need to give yourself a timeframe, deadline, goal, etc. believer keeps referring to the end of june, is this what your "deadline" is for plan b implementation? if so, then you NEED TO JUST SWITCH GEARS AND STICK TO IT. which means continuing to plan A until plan B. if you don't have a timeframe in mind then i think you need to think and pray on this RIGHT NOW. i think this will help you and give you some control of YOU. because we know we can't control the WS.

so pick a date, work on the plan B letter, and continue to plan A until then. i liked the story about the candles and it makes sense. i'm curious though about your transition from china to the U.S. and your transition from Budhism to Chritianity. pray to God the first thing in the morning and make it the last thing you do in the day before you go to bed. we are here for you and want to support you. when is your next session w/SH? prayers to you, RR

Hi, friends, I know what you are talking about getting ready for Plan B.

I am afraid that he is getting close home, but I am pushing him away by doing that. Everyone is different, I know he is the kind of people who only takes the soft approach, I have to know the right dose. When Believer mentioned end of June, it is b/c I ma done of teaching that time. I will be home for the next two months.

Yesterday, Wh called when we had dinner at 6:30pm. He said he is coming home for dinner in 30 min. I said that we are eating already. He said ok, I will just make some noodles for myslef. I told him that he could have the left over. I knew that it would take him much longer than 30 min. to arrive. So I made another dish for him and he finally arrived at 8pm. The kids got Man in Black II from the library, we watched that movie together, Wh joined us.

After kids went to bed, I read the HNHN again. I don't know how much he heard that. his attitude wreally made me sick. You are right, maybe when I am more distant to him, I will feel better.

hang in there kiddo, sounds like another "good" night last night. for what it's worth I would give your H to 7/6/04. that's 6 mos post DDay for you and you will be done w/teaching for the summer. you will need all the free time you can get in order to start taking control of your life and learning/coping with doing things on your own (mowing the lawn, driving kids places, etc.). so okay, now we have a date right (well i just suggested that date)? doesn't that make you feel better?

of course lots of things can happen between now and then but again, you just have to contiue doing what you can for as long as you can. plan A, plan A, plan A until plan B. if/when you go to plan B because you can always change your mind BEFORE you start plan B. anyway.....i've got to sign off for now and get some work done, since i am at work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Thanks for the prayer for my H this morning. SH didn't call me to take the session for myself so i'll take his lack of call to mean that my H did talk to him.

strength and prayers to you, RR

I pretty much just sit here and read other's posts today. I can imagine what will happen when summer comes and kids out of school. What do i do with them. I could not remember what I did before, my mind is so blank now.

D just called me from school asking whehter she can go to her friend's house after school. I said no. She said why? I told her that she needs to be home woth her borther before her father is home. She said daddy leaves us alone, why can't I go? I just told her the same thing repeatedly and calmly. She finally said ok.

But what kind of example WH is setting here? I am just so mad.

On the other hand, WH called earlier and asking whether he needs to take D for conseling. I said yes and told him the time. But after that I had nothing to say to him. I feel very frustrated that I have nothing to say to him, and how to have a conversation? Without conversation, how do you build a relationship?

maybe that's what you should be doing at this point, not having a conversation w/him unless there's a reason. not sure.

anwyay, i printed out the pictures from the email they didn't all come out okay but i one of them that has the 2 signs on it was good enough so i have that taped up on my wall next to my computer.

if you have a chance go to learning lots post titled "help help help" he's wanting some encouragment from those who have a strong faith. i know you probably don't think you are strong but you are. many people in our positions wouldn't have done what we have done, plus you always say you have to give it to God and rely on him and you can't go wrong w/saying that.

luv and hugs, RR

RR, I know that I have to trust GOD. But I still have these weak moments. I need to ask GOD's forgiveness. In the lesson, one of top 4 needs to be fullied is conversation. That is why I want to have converation with him, especailly when he called.

i understand totally sweetie where you are coming from about your need being conversation. but unfortunately plan A is not about our needs being met <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> unless the WS is willing to meet your needs (i.e. wants to work on the M) then he will not be able to meet your needs or take care of you. SH told me not to expect my H to care for me now because he can't. i think the same thing applies for you. it really stinks i know. or you could look at it from the love bank standpoint. yes, that when he doesn't meet your need for conversation then he is making withdrawals but he still has a pretty hefty balance in your love bank. on the other hand you have to consider what makes withdrawals from your account w/him. it's very hard to make deposits in someone's account when they won't let you. i think it's more helpful to look at it in this way, that as long as you are not making any WITHDRAWALS in their account then you are doing good. it's when his account w/you get's too low is when you need to go to plan B and that's why you just do what you can for as long as you can.

sounds like his account w/you is draining but what do you think your account w/him looks like? if your H is still w/the OW no matter how little or how much hopefully she will began to make withdrawals from her account w/him or at the very least not making any deposits. it might get to a point where all the accounts yours, his, hers are all the same (maybe they are close to that already) and that's when the steps you take are most important, if all the accounts are equal then what you say or do next will either make a deposit or withdrawal from his account.

again, i know that this is not the way that it's supposed to be. that we are supposed to be meeting each other's needs no matter what but all of us know here that's not the case. when it comes to needs being met, our concentration has to be on making deposits/meeting needs to the WS and/or not making any withdrawals/LB's to the WS. the feelings of the BS are valid, honorable, and acceptable but unfortunately those have to be put aside to a certain extent in our attempts to do all that we can do chip away at our spouse.

i hope this isn't discouraging to you and i don't see anything wrong w/going to plan B at the end of june. we will do what we can to keep you in plan A until then if that is what you want. if you want to just take one day at a time, then you have to let us know and you have to be prepared w/the letter. i have just started to think about my needs a lot lately, not sure why. i've never been one for SF, i'm mean i was always glad when it happened and was always glad afterward but never really saw that as one of my top needs. i'm starting to get a little depressed since i haven't had SF since last october and not sure when or if i will ever get to be w/my H again and the thought of being w/someone else just make me sick. yet, he's continually getting his SF, it's not fair. i'm also starting to have dreams about us, about them, about stuff in general and i haven't had those until now. what does all this mean? i don't know, only that i'm really wanting to be w/my H right now and mostly for the SF, is that wrong? i know it's not wrong to want to be w/your H but it's just kind of weird that i'm really starting to feel this way now 3 months after dday.

anyway, again, i'm spending too much time on the computer and not doing my work. prayers to you, RR

oops double post

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR, thanks for writing such a long post to me. I feel that I need to learn more about how to write and how to talk.

When I said that I feel that I had nothing to say to WH, I meant I didn't know what to say. My topic of conversation dried out. I am a quiet person, even in parties, I just listen. WH probably felt bored, he said he had a lot to say with OW. So I need to train myself to have converation with him. I showed my concern to my sister too, she said that I have to find topics. But there was no much going on here except reading a lot in this forum. I don't think it is appropraite to tell him what is happening here, except some of my thoughts.

Good morning friends.

Last night when I came home, the whole house is a mess. Kids didn't finish their homework. I spent more than an hour to get their hwk done. I was exauhsted when they finally went to bed.

WH was very very distant to me. He never hug me, just a gentle hug. I felt so tired lately and fell asleep right away. Didn't know when he went to bed. He was like usual, took out gabage, did not want to talk to me. But he did one thing that is good for me, renewal of the internet subscription.

I got to pray more to detach from him.

IMHO, GOD asks us to FORGIVE but not to TOLERATE. Plan B is for those people who are willing to forgive but not to tolerate. It sends a clear message. The message is that you are a human being who deserves respect and consideration, and you are not the blame for your husband's inconsiderate and thoughtless behavior. The basis of love is care and under care is manners.

I think it is in Matthew that Christ tells his followers that, if someone does not welcome them, shake the dust from their feet. Leave!

hello lost, i have to make this quick because i have a lot of work to catch up on and i'm not having a good day already. i hit a pole in the parking lot at work (i got too close to it when i was turning) well it messed up one side of my truck. it's still drivable but it's ruined now. i don't have the money to fix it even w/the deductible. but i'll still call my insurance to let them know.

anyway, while i respect the opinion of Cherised and what she wrote, we do have to accept the fact that we are dealing w/human behavior. we BS are trying to get the WS to do something they are not interested in doing or are motivated to learn about. God did make us the way we are for a reason. maybe it would be easier to deal w/if our WH treated us badly and then we could detach more or altogether but when you have a H that is nice or at least decent w/his interactions w/you no matter how "cold" they are,, it still gives us hope that things will be turned around.

if you believe in the MB concepts and are in the counsel of SH then that is what you should go w/in addition to trying to do God's will. plan A is not for wimps and clearly puts all the work on the BS so that when the WS sees the changes and needs are "met" or that there are no LB's or lovebank withdrawals then the M can be worked on TOGETHER. but you and i both know that plan B is not for wimps either and we must be prepared entirely for what is to come once that plan B letter is given to the WS. we are talking about a 6 week period approximately to the end of june if that is the time you have chosen to implement plan B if things don't change in the mean time. so pick a date and prepare accordingly.

of course, don't let your H know what you are planning but just continue to plan A the best you can. if you don't know what to say or how to bring up topics, ask those questions here or ask SH. i'm very specific w/SH and ask him what to say if this topic is brought up or what should i say if my H should say this. we have known each other for 12 years so i would like to think i know some of how he is thinking. i write down what SH says in my notebook and have it w/me at work and then if i talk to my H i take it out and refer to it and say some of the things that SH has advised me to say. because AGAIN, we are dealing w/human behavior and we are supposed to be using marketing techniques so that our WS will eventually become convinced to work on the M. we are supposed to always be re-inforcing our positives, making ourselves attractive, and giving the WS a reason to come back when if fact they don't want to.

sorry if this post was kind of blunt but felt it kind of needed to be today. if you want to go to plan B sooner than you have got to tell us. you could even put it in your signature line "plan B on june 30th if things don't change." then we will help you w/your letter and help keep you in plan A until plan B. toleration is an ugly word in my book right now. what would we do if God didn't tolerate what we do on a daily basis? this is a "roughroad" but God has given us the tools and the armor to get through it. prayers to you, RR

Thank you friends for you opinions.

RR, I feel bad for you. But don't be beaten by an inccident like this. We may not know what is after, it maybe a blessing afterward for the things we see bad now. I know you have a seesion with SH today, I will pray with you.

I totally agree with you about Plan B. Cherished, I know your good intention. There is a fine line between toleration and Plan B. SH told me that there are three elements for a good plan A, feel like being a doormat, unfair, feel like forever. He said that I am doing a good one. Since I am a human being, I cannot LB WH, so I come here to whine, complain and vent. I admit that I don't have a courage to go for a Plan B now, but some day, I will.

Lostnhurt, I wrote that post too hurriedly because I gave impression that I think you should move to Plan B. You are giving your H the opportunity to turn a corner, and while it can be very disturbing to see him vascillating, that seems to be what he is doing. Your H is showing some willingness to participate while at the same time showing great inconsideration. A gentle hug, after all, is still a hug.

I think you are doing a GREAT Plan A!
Cherished

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished, thank you so much for your understanding. When I told everybody about WH's action, they all said that he is sending a mix signal to me. Even Sh was confused. One way he is willing to do something, on the other hand he is being so thoughtless. That is my major mix up. I guess I will continue doing this Plan A for a while, then if things are not turning around, then Plan B.