yep, keep it up, God is w/you always and it is his will for you to be w/your H. However, many pastors and counselors will tell you that at some point you will come to a fork in the road and have to make a decision. what's frustrating is just knowing how long it is till we reach that fork because it's different for everyone.

i spoke w/SH this afternoon and i'll update my thread w/what we talked about. i'm just so sad and disheartened that i don't know when i will get to talk to him again. because every time i do talk to him i feel so much better and more focused. but maybe that's because i don't have a mixed signal sending husband like you do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> if SH is confused, i think that says a lot and just means you need to stick in there for a little while longer. i think you have class tonight so good luck w/the lesson and prayers to you.

RR, I am glad you talked to SH. Please don't feel sad if you can't talk to him andmore. GOD will help you in some way.

Not much happening today. Before I left home, WH called and said: I am leaving work to pick up S and D now. I thanked him and told him that I have dinner cooked for them. He is taking D to the conselor. However this morning, I asked him whehter he can go to D's concert tomorrow evening(remeber it is his desinated diappearing night), he said no, he will go to bar to watch basket ball game. I just ?????.

Yes, I have few minutes before my class.

well then make sure you know how the game went, the scores and any particular good points of the game and then you ask your H about it. for example, "can you believe the play that kevin garnet made in the third quarter last night? the pistons really had a lot of turnovers but the pacers made a lot of good plays too." i have no idea what basketball game your talking about but i think talking to him about the game would be an excellent idea.

get yourself familar w/the players on the teams, or at least the players on the team he likes and learn more of the language of the game (ie. turnovers, field goal, technical foul). maybe you are a basketball fan and don't need to be educated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> just trying to give you an idea of how to handle the situation.

i gotta go, have a good night, and Lord willing tomorrow is another day. prayers to you, RR

When I came home, WH was dressing up. Before I asked him, he dashed out and said I will go to the bar to watch the game. I said that you told me it is tomorrow, he it is tonight. Then are you going to D's concert tomorrow? He said maybe. Will you be home tonight? No? How about our lesson? Well, maybe tomorrow.

I just feel angry and sad. I don't know how to work on an M like this. Is there still an M? Should I just give up?

Today it just occured to me that our anniversary is July 8. Should I wait till after that to go to Plan B? Plan B this word is popping more often to my head now. I hope I can sleep tonight.

I was angry with WH for his thoughtless leaving. So I was impatient with DD, but she was so GOOD and calm tonight. She said to me quietly, mom I know you don't feel goo, please don't yell at me. I felt so guilty. So we just had a little talk before bed time. SHe told me what the conselor told her. SHe said that as long as parents are happy, it is ok to have a D, she understands. This is a good conselor. I didn't mean that D likes parents to have a D, but for her understanding. I sincerely appologize to her and told her that mom doesn 't want a D. I want a whole family. We prayed together, we both prayed that WH will open his heart to GOD, and then come home to his family. I cried really hard. I really praise and thank GOD for all this. My prayers are answered.

Lnh,

Your H is being disrespectful. Your children know it. It is up to you how long you will tolerate this type of treatment.

He knows he has the lesson but has made other things more important than you and your family.

Plan B maybe needed before your anniversary. I know this sounds harsh but really you and the rest of those around you know this is your anniversary but he may not care. Will that knowledge hurt you? If you wait to plan B until then, you may use up all your love bank and leave yourself vulnerable to more hurt.

Think about it and discuss it with Steve or your MC. I am glad your daughter was able to have a chat with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid, I know that he is being disrespectful. I know that I have to go to plan B. But my faith is so weak. I am so afraid.

Also, should I ask him to move out? I don't know. It is killing me.

Yesterday, he mowed the lawn. I am not going to take away his job yet sicne he liked it so much.

Orchid, I want to have my love bank level drop to negative, would that be easier and less painful to go to Plan B.

Lostnhurt,
You will know when you are ready to go to Plan B. For me, there came a time when I realized that I didn't have a M and that I was willing to give up the trappings of M rather than settle for disregard. A man is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church.
Cherished

Chrished, how long were you in Plan B? When did he return?

I don't know I am ready or not. When I say I want the love bank level drop to zero or negative, maybe that is the time I don't want the trapping M. Maybe that is the time to go to Plan B.


Should I call him to tell him how I feel about his direspectful act? Is that LB?

Lostnhurt,

I never went through Plan B. In December, I said we can go through MB or not -- your choice. I was ready to file for legal separation.

Last week, I told him that we have been tracking our hours together for 19 weeks and we have never been alone together for 15 hours, which is what the MB program requires. I said we need to do that -- we need to give this program a chance. He said, "If we only go to 14 hours, do you divorce me?" and I said, "I think so." We made it to 15 last week and are on track to make it to 15 this week. Again, I was at the point of quitting before a change was made.

I have a long e-mail exchange with Dr. Harley on the private follow-up under the topic of affection, so you can see what he says.

People are different. This is just my experience. I had to get to the point where I was ready to file before there was progress.

As for whether you are ready for Plan B or not, I think that Plan B doesn't work very well unless you go into it not with the intent to save your M but with the intent to protect yourself from additional harm. If you use it as a ploy to regain your H, you may find yourself receptive to any indication from him that he is willing to reconcile. You fall for token gestures of consideration which are distractions from the entrenched attitude that "I am a separate human being and so I have the right to make my own decisions regardless of their impact on you."

It's the entrenched attitude which needs to go. I do see that my H is working on it. I tried to be the self-sacrificing wife who was always willing to have sex, so he never had to be concerned about my enjoying sex; who spent as little money as possible, so he could enjoy golf and lunches out, including with another woman; who tried not to impose on him in any way, so we went a year without a bathtub when we had a toddler and a baby, etc., etc. I ran out of energy, and finally fell apart emotionally, as I clung to the illusion that I was doing what was best for our family. I clung to the memories of being in love with him even though he was openly showing more concern for another woman and being violent. But that is my story... It seems to me, and the reason why I follow your story, that your H and mine have something in common, which is the willingness to show complete disregard for his wife's feelings.

Cherished

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for whether you are ready for Plan B or not, I think that Plan B doesn't work very well unless you go into it not with the intent to save your M but with the intent to protect yourself from additional harm. If you use it as a ploy to regain your H, you may find yourself receptive to any indication from him that he is willing to reconcile. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cherished, you hit the point. I know that I can not let go yet.

Our situation is a little different. He wants a D and still wants it. He was not like this before. He always told me where he went and let me know. Of course, most of time, he was home just after work. He would call if he was out of town for business. He support the family finacially well, even now he gave me most of the money. My major complain before was that he did not support me for house work, and did not pay much attention to the childres.

However, things are opposite now. He cared about the children and talked to them, take them to places. He participated family activities. He did all the house work he could when he was around including cooking, laundry, mowing, shoveling snow and taking out of garbage, etc. But he acted so disrespectfully. That is why I feel confused, and love bank unit did not drop. I don't know what to do. I do want this M, but I don't know how to get around it.

today is another day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

lost, i just emailed you back. words can't say of how i feel about what you had to say and i'm truly touched.

just take it one day at a time and look what a great night you had w/your daughter, look at what a good example you are setting for her and also how much you can learn from her.

i think you will need to ask your h to move out when and if you go to plan B as for my understanding of what plan B is. gotta go, prayers to you, RR

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Oh, I forgot to mention that D was selected the student of the month by the Sheriff. I am so proud of her.

lostnhurt - Well here I am up in Seattle. My boys and I had a nice trip on the airplane. I used to be terrified of flying. I just kept telling myself that Brett (here on MB) said Southwest was a good airline, and the plane a good plane. It really made me relax.

It is beautiful up here, with tons of trees and lakes. I had forgotten how lovely in is.

Hope you are hanging in there. I would like to see you (STILL) doing more things on your own, instead of just waiting for WH.

That will give you some self esteem and also something to feel good about, and something to talk about.

Believer, I am so glad to hear from you. I am vry happy that you are safe and sound now.


Seattle is beautiful. We were just there last July. We went crabing and MT. Renaine. It hurts me a lot when I think about that. Will there be more of family fun time like that?

I still have hard time finding things to do for myself. Basically I did a little yard work, then I sit here to listen to some messages and read books. I am listening on the topic of Praising GOD. After listening so much, I know that I need to get rid of my own bitter feeling and let GOD in, have joy. I am trying so hard, but still not there yet. I had a little taste of it last week, now I have to regain it again.

I know that I should take care of myself. But I can't control it now. I am chill, heart beats up, shaking again, I want to cry. Oh, GOD please help me. I am listening to this tape Praise GOD. It said that praising GOD is to accept everything HW gave you. I knwo that. But I just can not control myself.

I have no one to talk to. Every one is at work.

I couldn't stop crying, very hard. I am ver ver saaaaaaaaaaad and depressed. I prayed so har, but why do I still feel so bad?

{{{{{{{{{{{lostnhurt}}}}}}}}}}}}

i'm so sorry that no one (besides God) is right beside you for you to talk with. i got your reply to me and i'll still reply via email but will also say some things here. maybe you start another thread about "things to do." just an idea. what do i do in my free time? let's see...... actually pretty pathetic but i don't have kids so i have to take what i can get. mostly i work out although not as much as i should be. working out doesn't take the thoughts about my h and the situation away unfortunately but just gives me something to do.

i do like to watch TV and movies. i have some favorite programs like "the golden girls" on lifetime and any of the "law and order" shows. i rent some movies and i go to the movies by myself. i also take some work home and work on things that i wasn't able to get done at work. i take a lot of baths and i talk on the phone a lot to my mom and my sister. although my last phone bill was almost $200 so i might have to "chill" out about that a little bit. i try to read things that are interesting to me like stuff about forensics. i also just read entertainment type magazines and i love to look at catalogs.

i go to church 3 times a week. twice on sunday and then on wednesday night. i work monday through friday so going to work and going to church takes up most of my time. if nothing else i just sleep. i've never had a problem w/sleeping. i probably sleep too much but sometimes that's my only outlet. i really don't have too many dreams about my H or the situation, just every now and then. they seem to come in spurts. so i'm lucky in that regard.

other than that i haven't been real motivated to do anything else. i've had an article published in december and was working on another one but when DDay happened i just kind of let it go. maybe i'll start working on that again. i also have a cross-stich project that i've been working on for years that i really need to finish. i probably haven't touched it in at least 2 or 3 years. once i get in a place of my own. it will give me more stuff to do like unpacking and decorating, cleaning, etc. the place where i live now w/my friend we have only lived in since october so nothing is really dirty plus most of the stuff belongs to my friend so i'm not really motivated in doing things w/her stuff and she probably doesn't want me to anyway.

once i get a place i'll soon be having my dogs and can't wait to spend time w/them. i plan on going camping some when i get them. i really like being in that kind of atmosphere and i love the smell of a campfire and roasting marshmellows and hotdogs. of course i would love to be doing that w/my H but i'm okay w/it just being me. i just love the smell of the outside air, looking at the stars and listening to the bugs churp (as long as they're not on me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) i tried to go camping (first time in probably 4-5yrs) in march when i was at our house but i ended not being able to stay the night because the zipper on the tent broke and i couldn't keep the dogs inside the tent and at the campground i was at said that the dogs had to be on a leash. so needless to say i miss camping.

there's a really good zoo near where i live that's free and i plan to just go by myself one saturday when i get a chance. i love animals and just watching them brings a smile to my face, especially squirrels they just crack me up and are so cute. i've even taken a loaf of bread and went and fed some geese that are near where i live and they were all too glad to gobble up what i had.

i would probably go to the mall more or to the store more if i had more money but at the same time i'm really trying to change that part in me. my H and i have not been good w/money. i've always just kind of bought what i wanted even if it was just stupid. i didn't realize how much i did this until i had a yard sale in march at our house and i went through our house and just gathered all this stuff that i had collected. it just made me sick and sad to look at all this stuff. there was just so much that i bought without any regards to how it would impact our financial situation and without any regard to my H. i made so many decisions w/out him. well needless to say i sold the stuff at rock bottom prices. i actually made almost $300, even though all that stuff cost probably $1000. but i have bough a few books to read which i feel are good investments and i also bought a few clothes. not a whole lot because i do have a lot of clothes they are just at our house in another state. i still can't wear a lot of them because of my weight but i'm on my way. the clothes i did buy was because i had lost so much weight and i wanted to look good for my H when i saw him in march. i let myself go in our M and i'm trying to remedy that as well.

anyway, so after all this i probably didn't give you a lot of ideas of things to do. i'm not sure of just how much time you have to yourself or if you're not able to because of your kids. i'm not really one to tell you about the kids stuff and how much time you should spend just by yourself. but that is just my take on everything and now i'm praying hard for you as you do for me.God bless, RR

RR, all your ideas are great.

The problem is that I don't want to do them or I have no interest. I have to work hard to bring up my interest.

Today, I had whole day by myself. I try to call sister, she was in a friend's house. Called another friend, found out that her father died yesterday. Another friend was at work. Called the pastor, probably he was out of town, I left a message with no answer. Of course, called Wh no answer either. I just feel so lonely. I felt like I am forgotten by this world. Just my feeling, i know it is not true. I know that GOD always loves me and be with me. So I was listening to the Christen messages.

I wanted to go shopping. But all the stores are the same, I had no need to buy anything. I have so much at home, why spend more money on the item I don't need. I don't want them either. I even did want to go out of the door.

I read a lot, but after so much, it is enough. I don't feel like to watch any movie at all, even there are bunch of them in the draw. I guess that problem is me. I need to make myself to want to do things.

The only thing I like to do is gardening. I planted tomoatos, rose, trim the bushes. There is only so much to do. I am done with them.

I will restrat my celexa, it may make me feel better.