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#1133675 05/28/04 05:08 PM
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Lostnhurt,

I am not sure of your whole story (am not here very often) however I certainly could not leave a call for help...

Please believe me, I too have thought that I waould just like to end this. My OD is certainly a handfull, everyday life is stressfull enough some days and then to have this to deal with, oh it would be so easy. But would it? On the news this morning there was the report of body found (drowning) she was a mother of three children (were those children too a 'handful'?). I thought to myself what would have happened to my Ds if I had 'followed through on this fleeting wish'. I taught a child (13 yr) today that shared his confusion and pain from when he was taken away from his mother bc she drank her pain away...he cried in class as I read his work/confession (I have only know him for a few weeks - and he trusted me a virtual stranger with his pain) This event happened almost 8 years ago!!

Lostnhurt, there is hope, always ther is hope. It might not come in the form that your think it should but it will come....do not loosen your grip on it.

Sorry this is so disjointed (many distractions)

I shall think of you, and send you strength and clear thought.

AG

#1133676 05/28/04 05:29 PM
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Thank you friends, I am still hanging here.

I am about to give up everything. I may not just let the kids do homework which is due tomorrow, and let them watch a movie. But that way, am I losing my authority over the kids. But If I stick with the rules, it is too painful with me now. This thought just keep haunting me. Please help.

#1133677 05/28/04 05:35 PM
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Tell them that they have to work on thier homework for 1/2 hour and then for a treat they can watch a movie...hey what can I say a due date is a due date and the teacher probably has to get final marks in very soon. Althought that depends on the grade.

Glad you are here

#1133678 05/28/04 06:01 PM
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Hi {{{lost}}},

I can understand your hopelessness and those feelings.They seep in and start to take over.The best thing to do is get busy and do anything.I had similar down thoughts this morning and MADE myself go out and mow the lawn again.I kept myself busy all day until I am now feeling better about things.The feelings will pass you just have to know how to get through it.

It's a heavy load we all have to carry,keep asking for God's help.HE is there for you at all times.Keep talking to HIM.I am thinking of you.Hang in there.

O

#1133679 05/28/04 06:03 PM
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LNH,

Been busy today and am just getting around to catching up on your posts.

DON'T even think seriously about S! If you find yourself thinking about it, think also about how your kids would react and how they would feel if you were gone. It's entered my mind in months past, but along with my feeling its Biblically wrong, I also tried to imagine my kids' and my loved ones' reactions. That helped me to regroup.

God will give you the strength you need. Remember, take things minute by minute if you have to.

As for kids and rules, if you can make them follow rules, that's great. If they don't on occasion, don't beat yourself up. Mine have gotten away with way more than they should have through all this because I didn't have the energy to deal with them, especially with DD. She still has LOTS of issues that need worked out, and she shows no respect to me (although she's friendly about not following the rules now).

My point is that you can't do EVERYTHING all the time. Sometimes a few things have to slide or I'd go nuts.

LL

#1133680 05/28/04 06:20 PM
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hi lost,

you've posted to me in the past so i'm returning the favor. i like alot of others i've had the thouhts to. its not wirth it,if you do get into plan b and it dosent work out its better to get revenge(just a joke)by being their all the time and moving on with your life.

so hang in their,ok
wishing you peice of mind. dmb1967

#1133681 05/28/04 06:29 PM
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I appreciate all your support so much.I just don't understand why the one I love would hurt me so much, but everyone here I even don't know could love me so much. I can't help crying.

I still feel miserable. Headache, chill, fever, and shaking. The worst is this thought. I have to stop it. I am going to read the Bilble now.

#1133682 05/28/04 06:30 PM
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I question myself, what do I live for? I have to make my day minute by minute. Each moment just to say I survive another minute or another day? Why so i feel so hopeless?

#1133683 05/28/04 06:53 PM
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Lost,

Listen.You have to know that what you are feeling is normal ok?? It really is an awful feeling but a normal one just the same given how horribly you have been hurt.I know.We all know.It is unfathomable how our loved ones could hurt us this way.There are just no words to really describe it.That's when I really feel down too.The one person that I really need to be able to understand the pain is the one who caused it!

Right now you live because you need to.You have children that need you.This may sound severe but when I am feeling that down,I think about what it would be like for my children at my funeral and BOY does that snap me back.My girls NEED me like your's do too.They need a stable loving parent that is looking out for them FIRST.Not some selfish hurtful spouse looking out for their OWN self interests.

Please think of your kids.Think of how worthy YOU are.I was so wrapped up in my WH all my life that when he did what he did,I was hopeless too.Had I ever really lived for me? That I qestioned in the beginning and I realized that I did.I was happy if my family was happy.That was how I wanted to live my life.That is changed now only minus one,my WH.Think about what it is in life, other than your WH, that inspires you.Surely you had thoughts and dreams before you married.Think about that for awhile.

O

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

#1133684 05/28/04 06:59 PM
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There are two of myself inside me. One is emotional, one is logical. I just took a shower, oh, it was terrible. I was thinking what kind of letter to write to each person, how my life insurance will go, and all my money will be going to my children. I have to shake my head to get them off me.

Then D asked me, are you really going to D? I almost cried. I said that mom will be with you. She said that is not enough. How do i give her enough?

#1133685 05/28/04 07:11 PM
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You need to get YOU strong before you can be strong for the kids.

A verse for you:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:13

I know you don't feel strong right now. Can you go out somewhere with your kids, to a store or something, just to get away from the house right now?

LL

#1133686 05/28/04 07:21 PM
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LL, thank you for the verse. I need it. I just took a Xenax, now feel very sleepy. But the kids are restless.

#1133687 05/28/04 07:31 PM
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This is serious, lostnhurt. I replied on the other thread about how your might want to die. But you are really thinking about this, planning it out.

YOU NEED HELP NOW. CALL A LOCAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LINE.

Where in MI are you? I am in MI too.

~ Snow

#1133688 05/28/04 07:36 PM
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Snow, I am in the metro Detroit area. I just want to sleep now. Like a peaceful sleep and forget everything. But I am ok, these are just thoughts. I am a christan, I can't do that, right? I have to fight with it.

#1133689 05/28/04 07:41 PM
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I am near Ann Arbor, lostnhurt. If you ever need a get-together...

I am a Christian, too. But Christians commit suicide every day. I have a sister who has tried to commit suicide three times so I have a little experience here.

Take your nap. But promise me that if you are can't stop thinking along these lines that you will to call for help, immediately.

~ Snow

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

#1133690 05/28/04 07:48 PM
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Oh, that is great. I am in the wext side. So probably about 40 min from Ann Arbor. I had few clients over there.

I promise you that I won't do that. But these thoughts just kept coming. You know that they just come, with no warning. I know that satan is working on it. I need to gather strength to fight with it.

I do want to get together. I am so lonely, no one near I can talk to. How I wish someone can hug me. All my relatives are far away. My mom could only cried and be sad, which made me feel worse. My tears keep coming out now.

My e-mail is kzmath@hotmail.com

#1133691 05/28/04 07:55 PM
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I'll email you my phone number in case you want to chat. Call anytime! Hang in there.

~ Snow

#1133692 05/28/04 08:08 PM
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Hi lostnhurt,

I don't know what to say that might help, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Take care

#1133693 05/28/04 08:32 PM
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Girl...listen...I want to remind you of something.

The bible says in John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Think about this. The devil would love nothing more than to break up your marriage (which, by the looks of it, he is accomplishing). But, hold tight, because we know our God is mightier than any unclean spirits that may have and influence over your husband, through his fogbound emotions, thoughts, and "feelings" right now.

And, don't you think it really pisses satan off to see you holding your head up high, trusting God, having faith, that everything will work out for GOOD in the end?

Or, do you think he is dancing with glee at the thought of trying to plant thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, or doubt in your mind.

Girl, I want you to say a prayer, OUT LOUD, that says "In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind any unclean spirits, any spirit of hopelessness, rejection, abadonement, or suicide. And I cast you out, to dry, uninhabited places, NEVER to return. In the name of Jesus. And in it's place, I fill myself with the grace of God and cover myself with the blood of Jesus. I trust his words, spoken in Roman's 8, that says "14 because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." And I trust that God, my father, will gather me up like a child, now in all my pain, and sooth my hurts, and reward my faithfulness, and defeat my enemies by fighting my battles for me."

And then, KNOW that you are not going to stand there and let those evil, destructive thoughts bother you anymore.

There is a song that we sing at church, that I sing at the top of my lungs, especially when I am really hurting from my present circumstances. It says "I am going to go to the enemies camp, and I will, TAKE BACK WHAT HE STOLE FROM ME. I WILL TAKE BACK WHAT HE STOLE FROM ME. I WILL TAKE BACK WHAT HE STOLE FROM ME!

And then, we sing the chorus that says "He's under my feet, he's under my feet, he's under my feet, he's under my feet, satan, is under my feet."

Look, this may sound kooky, but I FELT LIKE YOU DID when this was starting a few months back. And I have tried, unsuccessfully to committ suicide before in my life almost 11 years ago, due to disruptions in my relationship to THIS VERY SAME MAN (my then boyfriend, my now out of his mind cheating husband).

And, I will not let the devil destroy me. he is not going to destroy me. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

I love you and am praying for you.

#1133694 05/28/04 09:49 PM
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All my friends, I feel better now. Expecially saying the prayer from Serendipity. How I appreciate this board. So many helps from GOD. Thank you. I will take a good night sleep and pray for a good day tomorrow.

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