lostnhurt - That is good the kids know what to do. Another thing you can let them know is the "bottom line" theory. That is, you decide ahead of time, what you will do if someone threatens you or grabs you. If they have a gun, your response must be "kill me right here".
You don't want to go anywhere with a person with a gun. Did I explain it right?

I am home today with a bad cold. I feel miserable, but am getting some stuff done. Hope you can rest up and not get sick.

Believer, I am sorry that you feel miserable. Try one of my remedy:

4 slices of ginger root
2 tbsp brown sugar
2 cups of water
boils for 10 minutes

After drinking it, cover with 2 or 3 layer, let yourelf sweat. Then you will feel better after a shower.

lostnhurt - Thanks for that recipe. I will try it.

How are things with you?

Believer,

I am here for my student's final. I will be done this week. Thursday I will go to see my Pastor in Windsor to pray for Plan B. I didn't let Wh know that I end my class one day early. Sat will be last meeting for another class. Next week I will be totally off. I am debating myself whether I initiate the Plan B or let him do it. I will talk to SH next week.

Today I spent 4 hours for driving D. Then came to work. I am ok physically, but emotionally, i am still weak. I just called this number to pray: 1-800-541-pray. I prayed for you too.

Oh thankyou, lostnhurt. I need prayer. But I am doing very well, except for the cold. I had the house painted, and Saturday, put in new toilet.

My sister and I are planning a trip together - to Europe. So my life is moving along, without WH.

Hang in there, Plan B might be the best bet for you.

Believer, that is great to go to Eroupe. Is your sis married? Will you go with your boys? When will it be?

Last time I went to Euroup was 10 years ago. Wh never had interest to go places. Every time I suggested to go somewhere, he said that he felt liked I was using him. I will have to make some plan to places with the kids. Any suggestion?

My sister and I are going alone. My boys are going to have to fend for themselves.

My sister was married, but soon got a D. She then went to Harvard and is now a lawyer. I am very proud of her. Now she is very busy and has no love interests. But, she does have a good life.

My sis has a daughter (my neice) who I dearly love. Her name is Libby. She is a good girl. I am sending all the family jewels to her (since I have 2 boys). So my grandma's rings, and my grandma on the other side's rings are going to her.

I can't leave the rings for my boys, as they would probably give them to their girlfriends.

Wow, I envy Libby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have no jewel at all. My parents didn't give me any, in-laws gave me a necklace, but it was broken. I can buy some if I need it. But I would rather have my H (if I have one) to buy them for me.

lostnhurt - Well I am so glad that I have lots of family jewels for my neice. My boys would probably give them to their girlfriends. So I am sending mine to my neice.

Believer, did you try the ginger water yet? How do you feel now? I wish we are closer so we can go out togehter or cook food together. I enjoy cooking, but need someone to enjoy the food. If Wh is not home, kids won't eat much. in fact, WH never said anything about my cooking. He said he didn't care, just finished everything I cooked.

lostnhurt - I am doing fine. How are you doing?

Believer, i am glad that you feel better.

I don't know how I feel now. I don't feel myself. I feel numb, it is better than painful and hurting.

hey lost, again i'm not getting much done at work so i'm going to have to make things short today. glad you are meeting the pastor from windsor and i'm sure it will help to talk to someone in person. let us know when your appointment is w/SH and what he says. still thinking of you often and send prayers to you, RR

It is another long day. This morning on the way home from dropping D, I got stucked before the railroad crossing for more than 30 min., the train just stopped there. I was late for the oild change appointment which took me another hour. Then I had to rush to pick up S. Now in few minutes, I have to go again, drop S to cousin's and go to meet with D's therapist and the Dr.

Last night, I told WH that we both have to meet with the Dr together with D. He said why can't you go alone? I said that Dr. request both of us to be there. He said just two of us? He probably think I was setting him up for counseling, what a paranoid guy. He was so reluctant and said I don't want to go, why don't you ask them again and call me tomorrow. I siad ok. Then I told him that D's couseling session is almost up(20 sessions per year), we may have to pay for later counseling. He siad you don't send her to. SHe is fine, you just make up all these things. I just didn't know what to say, all I was thinking was why did I M this idiot.

When I came home, D had her friend over playing. I told S to take a shower, but he was dragging and it took him about 30 min, still not in the bath room. So Wh took him in the tub and turned on the shower with his clothes on. S was creaming and said I want mommy. I came along, but I didn't resuce him as before(guess what I did before was not right). I just told him to obey dad and take a shower now. He said you are mean. I siad that I will talk to you after the shower.

When S was screaming, I was talking to D's old counselor on the phone, she kept calling me and seemed to try to make friend with me. Probably she felt guilty for what she did, and she said that you are a good mom, that was the only time she ever said since we saw her.

After S finished his shower, I told him to get the Bible and had him read Ephesian 6:1-4 to his dad and had him appologize to dad. Later S told me that dad didn't believe in GOD, it is no use. I told him that GOD knows what to do, you just have to do what GOD said.

After D's friend left, WH screamed at her and told her to clean up. He said look at this house, what a mess. THen he said that our neighbours house was so neat, look at this one. I siad what do you want? Why don't you tell me exactly or do it yourself. He then yelled at D, when you have your own house I hope it is not like this. Some of you already saw how my house looks like, he is just making a fuss out of it. That moment, I felt so bad, I wished he was not there.

Just not too long ago, an idea popped in my mind. I may just take the kids to TOronto for the entire summer, that will be how my Plan B start.

Girl...I am thinking about you. Head north, my friend. I will meet you in Toronto and we will have a great time! :-)

LNH,

I have finally had time to catch up on your thread over the last week. You really had a tough week, didn't you!

I truly understand some of your difficulties with your daughter's behavior and dealing with people who threaten to turn you in if you don't get her treatment. I didn't get that from a therapist. My DD's school principal and office manager turned her in to our state back in April, which prompted her overnight stay in the pscyh ward that my insurance has since denied (and for which I am now fighting an $1,800 bill! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) I had no choice. I had to do what the state said. Tried to tell my insurance company that. They don't care. Their "doctor" determined that the overnight inpatient stay wasn't necessary.

First, just from what you've written, your daughter's original therapist would quickly be written off my list. It's good that you got her in to someone else, and I'd have done the same out of fear. Having our Department of Human Services chasing me was NO FUN! All I could think of was, "what if the state takes my child away from me and puts her in foster care because they see my messed-up family situation and think they can provide better for her somewhere else?"

My DD also doesn't like therapy. She doesn't have to go again until July, but she says it does no good and I think with that attitude, it probably doesn't.

Just learn from what you read from my posts though and love her, but don't be too easy on her. I've let my DD get by with way too much and now I'm paying a dear price with her behavior.

She was pretty good in Florida, other than whining about missing her friends and going back to the hotel each evening and running down my cell phone, but the first night back (last night) she blew her curfew. Now I need to come up with consequences.

As for your WH, I may not be in the majority here, but I do think you would be much more at peace if he'd just move out. Granted, that has it's own problems. I'm not sure what my WH and I are doing anymore. We're just in limbo. But it's more peaceful than having them technically living a home but being hateful and angry and leaving all the time.

You are getting stronger. I can see a change in you from not thinking you can live without him to realizing that you can, just like it happened for me a couple months ago.

LL

I am physically and emtionally drained now. My eyes are red and wet, my boddy is shaking and I am ready to scream.

You all knew that I left at about 2pm this afternoon. I didn't get home till 8pm wiht hunger, anger and tireness.

I got to the center at about 3pm. WH not there yet, but the therapist was late too. We saw her at 4:15pm. In the waiting room, Wh started complaining and whining. He is tired, he is bored, he is angry. THen he told D, what did you get from here? Did you gain anything? You have better bahave so I don't have to drive this far, blah, blah. Then he said to me: why did you take her to see Jill(the old counselor)? It is you who start all these, why did you drag me in? I just didn't want to argue with him and said nothing.

Finally we got in with the therapist. She said that D is very depressed and something inside her she can not let out. Only she knows what, but as parents we need to communicate with her and help her. I agreed and told her my frustration. Then she helped and gave few suggestions. WH didn't say anything, just said that she had better behave. Then she asked whehter we have more to say, I siad to D that does she have anything to ask her dad. She said Dad, can you stay home more often? He started defend himself, didn'tI stay home enough? What do you mean? I coooked for you yesterday. Blah, blah, sounded like he was a perfect dad. But time was up.

After that, it was almost 6pm. We had to see the phychatrist. And waited again for another 30 min. D was complaining hungry, WH bought her chips. Kids like him better for buying things, I am very strick about that and I didn't want them to have the idea that money is easy.

In the Dr.'s office, he told us that D's test result was very good, she is extremely intelegent. All her scores(reading, comphresnsive, math, vocabulary etc) wer about 98 percentile. But her performance(don't understand the difference) was below average, which means that she is under a lot of stress. He was very straight and said D knew what was going on, dad had better tell. I told him the first time I met him. But WH refused. Dr. said I didn't mean the detail, let your D tell you what she thinks. Here is what D said: I think that dad did not love mom anymore. WHy? I think that he thought she is getting old and ugly. Dr. laughed and asked Wh: Is that true? Wh didn't answer directly, he said we all get old. Then the Dr. said to D that, your mom is not old and ugly, you are just too little. We will all get old, do you think your dad is old. Do you think it is ok for him to DV if he think your mom is old and he get someone younger? D said that I just want them to be happy, if they are happier after DV, it is ok with me. It may take me few weeks to get use to it. I said that is the idea she got from Jill and I didn't like. WH budged in and defended for Jill, all she was saying is to not let D feel the guilt and etc. Then we discussed about how D should be helped. Dr. let D out and talked to us alone.

Here goes:

Dr. How old are you(WH)?
WH: 18.
Dr. How old?
WH: 18
Dr. Did you mean you behave like an 18 year old?
WH: I am 42.
Dr. How old is your wife?
WH: She is 41.
Dr. Do you think she is too old and not pretty anymore?
WH: She is still the same person, just I don;t have the feeling for her. There is no chemical between us anymore.
Dr. Do you have a girl friend?
Wh: Well, wehn I was joking to find someone else, she always said go ahead. She sounded like no one would like me, she was the only one who would take me.
Dr. Do you have a grilfriend?
WH: Well, we don't love each other anymore.
Dr. Do you love him(asked me)?
Me: yes.
Dr. Is there any chance to reconcile?
WH: It is not necessary.
Me: I am not giving up.
Dr. I see. Can we help you?
Me: I am counceling with SH.
WH: We went to MB, but it is no use. Itis not necessary.
Dr. It will be very hard and painful on you(to me).
Me: I've been hurting since Dec.
Dr. You got to be strong.
Me: I know, I;ve been strong too.
(All the time I was crying)
Dr. You still have to come next Monday.
Wh: Why? It is so far.
Me: I will come.
Dr. You are the father. I invite you over. It is up to you whether you want to do it for your D.

Dr. hugged me. WH zoomed out and spinned off with no trace. D said did you cry? I said yes. She said why? I don't want to say.

Then I called cousin about picking up S. She took him out shopping. I met them in a store and came home with all the sadness. Even though WH said the same thing over and over since January, hearing him saying it again in fron tof Dr. and me hurt me ssoooooooooo much. I came home and locked myself up and cried, didn't eat dinner. D and S ate the left over from yesterday. I am so doooooomed.

When I said I am counsleing with SH. WH said I pasid for it. Dr: Doesn't she work? Doesn't she make money? WH couldn't say anything.

WH alway thought he was the one who raised the family. I am like nothing.

My heart broke one more time. Just told, atually yelled, to the kids after several attemps to let them go to bed. S asked: why are you so strick. D: she is not strick, she is stupid. That broke my heart.

Why do I deserve all these? I spent so much energy and time to take care of her. SHe thought I am stupid. WH thought I was using D to manipulate him. He even asked D how do you know I am not home? WHo told you that? Is that your mom? A 12 year old doesn't know her dad is not home? What kind of question is that?

I am angry, angrrrrrry. My head spins.

{{{{{{LNH}}}}}}} (hugs) {{{{{LNH}}}}}} (more hugs) {{{{{{{LNH}}}}}}} (even more hugs...)


I am so sorry to hear about the events in your counseling session. My WH and I had to do court-ordered counseling during his first A because he got a DWI and counseling was a part of it. It wasn't MC, but the therapist at one time asked him who he loved more, me or OW. He responded that he loved the OW more. Counselor told us we had a disfunctional M and basically told us we needed to D.

We held it together for 12 more years after that statement, and probably would have still been together had we have really gotten MC after his A ended instead of just pretending nothing happened.

My point--it's not necessarily over, even if he says it is.

Second, I know personally how much it hurts to have your child call you stupid. My DD does it to me fairly regularly. It's tremendously disrespectful, but you are NOT stupid and she knows it. She's just hurting and she's also at that age where she wants to be independent and not have to show that she needs you or her dad. Just keep loving her. She loves you and needs you very much right now, no matter how she acts.

And please know you are a very smart and very caring person!! You are not doing anything wrong. You are dealing with a difficult daughter and a very hurtful situation with your WH and then keeping up with your business and school and all on top of it. You are much stronger than you realize!

LL