I am going to talk to SH soon, in few minutes. Please pray for me.

Lostnhurt,
I hope you will be able to see a clear path for you. I was just listening to a tape of Harley's radio show about what can be done if a spouse has an affair? His response was that it is all up to the spouse who had the affair. Can that person work with his spouse to recover the marriage? It is the responsibility of the spouse who betrayed to change behavior.

That has been a hard lesson for me to learn. You have handled yourself far better than I.
Cherished

Here is what I was listening to from Harley's radio show that reminds me of your situation:

Counseling from my perspective is an opportunity to change somebody’s mind, to change somebody’s thoughts, to change somebody’s attitudes, to change them. And a lot of times you got to begin with their attitudes. But that’s not where you end. You can’t end with attitudes, because you have to end with behavior. I’ve known a lot of people that fully believe that they should not be beating their wife, and yet they can’t stop because they haven’t learned to stop doing that…So the first step is to recognize that there is no excuse for an affair. If her husband were to tell me, every time I have an affair, I feel guilty, I feel like I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned against my wife, I’m a horrible person to be doing this. Then I would say, “Now, what we have to do is create an environment where you’re not going to have another affair. And it’s going to be very restrictive, at least at first. You’ve got to be watched 24 hours a day. You’re not going to be able to do and say what you want to say. It’s just like helping a person overcome addiction to alcohol. You can’t be working in a bar when you are trying to recover from being an alcohol. This woman’s husband says, “It’s your fault that I’m having an affair.” And I’d say, “What can she do to get him to stop?” And the answer is “Absolutely nothing. There’s nothing she can do. She has to walk away. She has to turn her back and walk away from him. Otherwise, she’s going to continue to be hurt by him the rest of her life. The same thing is true of men that beat their lives. The same thing is true of men or woman who are verbally abusive. The question is: “How do I get my spouse to stop being abusive? How do I get my spouse to stop hurting me?” The answer is, “There’s nothing you can do. It’s all on the part of the person who is doing the damage.”

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

always praying for you but said a special prayer right now. i put something in the mail for you today. God Bless.

Thank you for your prayer, RR. Chrieshed, thank you for the insight.

Talked to SH this morning. Went to drop off D, then went pick up S. I feel extremely tired now, I have no engery to post much. Will head to the road in about an hour. I may post the detail tonight. I predict that WH won't be home tonight, so I can feel the peace.

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

This is a hard fact to face:

And the answer is “Absolutely nothing. There’s nothing she can do. She has to walk away. She has to turn her back and walk away from him. Otherwise, she’s going to continue to be hurt by him the rest of her life."

I wish you the best. I think time in Toronto with family can really help you.
Cherished

Another run around day. Finally home from talking to the Dr., picking D up and drop her off to her friend's BD party. I am exauhsted from doing all these. Thank GOD, she is finally discharged.

Today, I talked to SH very early even before WH got up.

I updated him for what was going on and asked him is it time to go for plan B. He said that WH is doing something significant keeping him distant. He was doing it his way, he doesn't want to reveal it b/c he thought revealing will hurt me and the kids more. It may be time to do plan B. Then I borught up the idea for going to Toronto. He said it is a good idea, but the legal issue. I should go ASAP, but don't give him the plan B letter. I should do a "reduced" and distant Plan A while I am TOronto. THat way I can avoid the legal issue and have time away from him. I should treat this as a nice vacation. When I present it to WH, I should say it positively, present it as his idea.

Plan B should be done when I am in the house. Otherwise it will be me to abandon the house and take the kids away. I should give him the Plan B letter when I come home. Regarding the coming up anniveray, I can just give him a card. He doesn't care anyway.

So I thought about this plan. I may just ask WH to drive us there if he is willing to. We will see. I don't expect to see him tonight, he will be somewhere out there.

I feel extremely sad. I don't know how people deal with them for such a long time. I feel constantly tired. I drove to the road shoulder twice today b/c of drowseness.

You are starting to scare me. You have to take care of yourself better, and get some rest. You could get into a bad accident. That will not help things.

I think you got good advice on going to Toronto. It will give your HW time to miss you and the kids. Maybe he will find out what it is like to be lonely.

I tried to rest as much as possible. Last night I went to bed early. Sis porbably called twice, I didn't pick up the phone. WH iddn't either. But with all I am doing, and the stress, I am stretched to the limit. I am down.

Lostnhurt,
SH's advice sounds very wise. You can regain some perspective away from your H and yet give him yet a few more weeks to come to his senses. Coming home to an empty house, preparing his own meals, not being in day to day contact with the kids... may wake him up. And, if he is still in an A, he may start to see some warts.

It's time -- you need to be there for your children.

Cherished

lostnhurt - I really feel for you. I still believe your WH will be back. However, I don't know if you will want him by then.

LNH,

I also think SH's advice is very wise for you. It prevents the legal issues of looking like you're taking the kids and shutting your WH out of their lives, yet allows you to get away.

My week away was wonderful. I wish I could go back--RIGHT NOW! I need another vacation.

I'm sure it would not only do you good but would do your kids good as well to be in a different environment for a while.

LL

It is a wise idea, but WH disappeared again, I have no one to talk to about going to TOronto. If I just go, I will be kidnapping. Isn't that rediculu? I set myself in the prison now. I am sick and tired of this whole thing.

Next time he shows up, make sure you talk to him and get his approval, and then you can go when you're ready.

LL

I feel that my health is getting worse now. I am weak, fatigue, and lose another 5lbs. Diareha comes back again. Fotunately I can sleep better now. This morning I didn't get up till 9am. I still feel sleepy. Now after sending S to his camp, I sit in the library.

If I have to send D again, I am going to die. WH still had no trace. He even didn't want to call about the kids. yesterday, S told me that he wanted to spend more time with his dad. I said that you tell him. I feel so sorry for the kids. Why is he so cold hearted?

Finally, I am not as busy today. But I feel hollow, empty. WH didn't call and didn't show up. I want to go to Toronto. Should I call him to discuss? I don't have energy to take the kids out for whatever, but I feel bored at home too. What a pitiful life.

Be careful about going to Toronto without his approval -- but try to go as soon as possible. You'll get some much needed care, support, and perspective.
Cherished

LNH,

From what I read, he seems to show up every couple days or so. You do sound like you are physically drained again. Just try to focus on God and hang on until he shows up again. You know he will. He always does. And then talk to him about Toronto, get his okay, and you're free to go.

I think it will do you so much good to get away.

LL

LL, how is your DD? I feel that I am in the prison for long time. I hate this. You are right, I am physically drained. I don't know how long I can hang in.